silentalways Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 [FONT=Arial Narrow]What good are lessons learned if u do use them?[/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]I believe by now some of you know the story of me and my ex pretty well. Last night I drove downtown, and spent the night post/chatting. And I am not pleased with myself because I should have been in bed instead of doing whatever this is type of communication is called – I am really not a big fan of it because to me it’s really not communication in the sense that its not immediate, it is simply text, being responded to with text. Also, I am now exhausted and I of all people need to take better care of myself. Not to mention all the important things I have to do, do well, and stay on top of such as court dates so I can try and get my co-parenting rights back. This is huge so I must ensure that I don’t slip up. I start back with Rideauwood tonite and just getting back in their was a job in and of itself and I needed to do that for myself first, my daughter second, and third – the next person I start dating. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]See I just went thru a relapse that was pretty scary – and that’s why I am in the mess I am in now – not because something my ex [i hate saying that – I want to use her name for pete’s sake] did to me, although she contributed quite well with her affadvid. I also understand all the factors that played a role in that. I also know the ex went through a pretty rough time with me while I was sick. I remember one morning at the height of my addiction and depression, where I had pushed her buttons to beyond anything she had every experienced in a relationship. That has had to had an effect – why do you think I was trying to find where she was? I knew the hurt – so we have both suffered dearly for the sake of making each other better people when you think about it. Which brings us to the point of this post [Nice lead in mah boi!]. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]I would like to say a little something about, yup, u guessed it NC – acknowledge first a positive and then a negative . Ok, first thing is this - THE EX is the one that forced NC on me – us. And that it is probably one of the reasons, I ended up doing, and will continue for a long time, the work needed and WANTED to getting things back on track in my life. I also have lawyers, doctors, work, addiction, abandonment, relationship, cognitive, child, house activities to do and that’s a lot for a guy that just went thru a fairly serious traumatic event and bounced back pretty quick – which once again leds to the negative. My ex’s ability to not only stay absolutely, fully and completely within ‘the guidelines of NC’ – and that is tough. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]Now here’s the problem First NC is a major reason I ended up arrested [i really should called it what it is – picked up and taken to hospitals], it is/was the enabler because it twisted my mind – and silence does that. However, saying that I also recognize that my ex might have NEEDED to do that to take care of herself. Bad part, because there has been ZERO communication, I really have a huge gap in my knowledge / time /space info regarding simple things [they all add up tho when u are sick] such as - what in the heck has she been doing? did she even buy a house, how is her health and daughter’s, is she still working where she was? Does she even come to these sites? How is her daughter? Did she go on dates? Is she even in a relationship now? How Elley is doing with her illness? etc. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]See, I really have no been given by her and real proof that she has been online chatting with me? And I cannot and will not play the ‘guessing’ game part of this because that also led to me getting sick – hey, you folks think about trying from inside my shoes and see how much fun that is. I also don’t know what she might want, if any thing, regarding me, a relationship? Just dating? Every possible out there. And she would know full well, that because of how much time has passed, and I am sure she feels the same as I do about that, meaning I have waste enough of my valuable time on the past – and the exchange of info has been completely one-sided – its like 90 – 10, and that is now way to start repair things – same deal with using this type of medium to communicate. And I really have no idea how she views me, etc. There is way too much confusion here for two people to actually do anything to move on – this is quicksand. For example – lets say, she gets up the courage to contact me? Which she knows SHE HAS TO DO and all the legit reasons why. So, I have no idea – how, what, where she sees things – lets say she still LOVES me – long shot I know, but, pretend with me, lets say, she has spent the entire time, just like I have make herself better, and longing to be with me – but, we were a long term couple – so what way does she feel is best for her for us to be ‘re-introduced’ – say she just wants to be friends with me – then there is no real rush or pressure – we just chill whenever. Lets say, she, like me, is tired of having to do this and wants to have some fun for a change and have u rebuild things by dating just like we did when we first meet. Lets save she feels that she believes we are still a couple [we are not – in the eyes of the law that is - lol], and in that case, are we to start where we left off, you know planning for future, marriage, home, kids education, you know. Maybe she doesn’t feel any attractive anymore to me, maybe the past has turned her off, there is no spark [but that is easily fixed – wink] maybe she has questions she needs to ask me before she feels better, maybe she still needs time to just talk now, maybe she does and doesn’t know if the things she worries about were part ‘of me’ of a fluck of rotten timing. I have told her, fire away I can answer any question with honest now – and she should know and BELIEVE that anything I did that caused her problems back then shouldn’t be an issue – like, gee, do I want to spend another 67 months in a basement, snorting and watch porn, and staying uip all the time? I really don’t have to answer that. How is my temper? Everything she can think of, all she has to do to feel better and believe is this – do you think for one second I did those things on purpose, that I want to screw up more facets of my life and the spend another 7 months searching? Nope. Lets say she doesn’t want any relationship at all – just the chance to say HI and move on? See what I mean – she knows where I stand – always has – why in the world would I go thru what I did for nothing – although, if she doesn’t – that’s ok – I’ve learned and applied that lesson well – the one about space, identity etc.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]Now here is the biggie – NC has impacted us both hard – but in my case, because I am back to the original Goldie Boi only much more improved, I know I will have no trouble jumping back into whatever happens – I am not nervous, or anything HECK – I MISSED HER. I would look forward to that so NC’s impact on her has been extremely hard in that all she has to go on right now are frozen memories of me at my absolute worst ever. And that would be part of any hesitation, worry, concern, fear – etc. I don’t want to use words to show her that she just has to BELIEVE in just one thing for right now and that is she needs to understand that its ok to talk with me, do things with me, etc. I didn’t go through all this just to not use my new skills. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]Now here’s the catch I have spent a good portion of the last few months, here and there on the Web doing stuff like this and to be honest – and I am getting a little tired of it. It served its purpose but I am done – I want to get back to normal life. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]Let’s say she says I’ll be ready to ‘see’ if I want to in march and that’s all the info provided and still no NC. Sorry but that will not happen – either we act like the adults we are or I will move on. I know what I want [wink] but jebus this started almost a year ago – a year of nothing but hard, negative, u know – I done with that – I want happiness – commitment and a good woman by my side and if not her, then someone else – that’s how it works. I don’t want to wait to have a life again – doing this is not a life. She should know by know, like most who have seen what I was and where I am know as a person, health – etc. This is a sweet and delicious package and early bird shopper with inside access to the store before opening hours only lasts so long – eventually to have to let others come in and browse [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]She knows I am dedicated and committed to doing everything I can to ensure that the things that happened to me, mostly by my own hand, do not happen again. I want to live a live ‘OFF’ the computer for awhile. She know she can ask to see my computer [opps don’t have one now, anything really and that is no different then before, she knows [because I have already said this] that we could do the reverse of last, I move into her house – so many options eh! As long as I can have you in my life, that’s good enuff her me. But I want to do things again, like go for walks on a nice winter day, window shopping, restaurants, the gym – you know, things that normal, well adjusted people do every single day.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]Finally, the closing of the deal – she really needs to step up to the plate and bust a move. We are not kids – this is high school. I have already asked you to call, letter, movie, concert, etc. And nothing, hence, I have to get off these sites. Real people met and talk with Real people in Real places. So, I would think with 2 burpdays coming up, Christmas that would be a great time to start – but I have no idea what she wants – she knows my side. I want to start living a healthy, happy life an not spend hours on a computer waiting. So, I have to say this, if Christmas comes and goes with silence – then I will move on ok? Just BELIEVE that the way you expect to be treated and want will happen - that's all.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow]G[/FONT] [FONT=Arial Narrow] [/FONT]
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