How do I find the strength?

[Baileykeg]

Ok..LS friends. I really need your help! If you've seen my current post they you already know that I'm still in the same situation of my separated MM being unable to file papers. He tells me that he will file the papers next week to show me that he is at least trying and that he will serve the W in January. He says that he is still unsure whether he is ready to end the marriage because he has doubts about whether he "tried everything he could" to fix it and he feel guilty about that. He says that he knows if he doesn't file the papers next week that he will lose me.

 

My problem is why am I so weak as to not be able to walk away from this? We've been doing this for a year. We've tried NC while he figured out what he wanted to do and even during that time I couldn't not call. I'm just not capable of walking away. I know that I should, but I can't. I need help. I've made a list of things that should be clear reasons as to why I should just tell him it's over until he gets divorced:

 

1. We've been dating for a year now with him telling me when it comes time to file that he has "doubts".

 

2. He's separated from his W but still has once a week conversations with her because they are friends he says.

 

3. I found out this weekend that she spent the night there once a few months ago. He swears nothing happened and that he has never had sex with her the entire time we've been together.

 

4. He says he loves me, loves being with me, has said he wants a future and children with me but yet he's still having "doubts" about ending his marriage.

 

What is my problem??? Why on earth can I not find the strength to walk away from this? I know how this sounds and if this was one of my friends I would tell her that she was just plain stupid at this point. My problems is that I love him and I don't want to lose him. Some of you will say...well you don't have him. I don't feel that way. He spends every second he can with me and I believe in how much he loves me. I believe that his marriage is over based on the things I have seen the past year. I've asked him repeatedly if he wants to spend time with her instead of doing something with me and his answer every time is "No, I want to be with you". He says that she's asked to spend time with him and that he has told her no. She knows he and I are together. As far as the night she stayed with him...that happened during a time when he and I had agreed to NC so he could figure out what he wanted to do. As stupid as it sounds I believe him that nothing happened.

 

Why can't I walk away from this until he get's divorced? Why am I so weak? I think part of it is that I am afraid to lose him and be alone again. I love him so much and I know he feels the same about me. What is it going to take for this to stop? He agrees that this cycle has to stop and he feels like filing the papers in December will force him into that decision. Am I stupid to wait to see if that is true? By doing this "plan" of Dec./Jan. are we not just delaying our ultimate break-up? How can we be together for the holidays with this hanging over us and act like everything is fine? Why does he want to spend the holidays with me if he isn't sure what he wants? He could just as easily spend the time with her if he chose to do so yet it's me he wants to be with. Please tell me what to do here....

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought about going to see someone professional to talk to? Just so you can cope better?

 

I think you totallly need to back off and leave him alone. You pushing him is only making it worse and he's freaking out, not sure what he wants to do. He is giving up his whole life, everything as he knows it for you...I bet he's overwhelmed too, and yeah, not 100% sure if he's making the right choice. He needs time, and so do you.

 

Try to go on with your life, with your family and friends, keep really busy. Get some therapy in too...Just don't sit and wait for him because he may not do what you want him to do.

 

Are they separated or is he living with her? I just don't understand how he can skip out the holidays and not spend time with her, without her knowing what is going on?

[Baileykeg]

Yes, I did see a counselor this summer but it just felt like a waste of time. All she did was listen to me talk and didn't give me any feedback. I need help now, not someone to just listen to me talk.

 

As far as his living situation...he has lived separate from her for almost two years. They have completely separate lives. She knows that he spends his weekend and free time with me. His family lives in the town I do and we're supposed to be spending Christmas together with them.

[whichwayisup]

You need a different type of therapist then. Try one that specializes in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) that should help more. They talk too and get you going. (I see one for my anxiety disorder.)

 

As far as his living situation...he has lived separate from her for almost two years. They have completely separate lives. She knows that he spends his weekend and free time with me. His family lives in the town I do and we're supposed to be spending Christmas together with them.

 

Well, if this is the situation then I guess I've misunderstood...Why wouldn't he get the papers done and move on? Something doesn't seem right...She knows all about you and yet he is unable to decide if he wants to end things completely?

 

To me it sounds like he likes things as they are. Doesn't want anything to change.

[frannie]

BK I've just responded to you on your other thread.

 

You said in your post here twice: you're afraid to lose him. Is this really how you feel..? That if you don't wait for him he'll go back to her or something..?

 

You talk about his family and how you're going to spend Christmas together with them..? What do they think about him not yet being divorced?

 

Where I am, unless there's a reason for the divorce (a fault), it takes two years separation for a divorce to be granted anyway, so I'm expecting all this IF he actually leaves.

 

How does your MM view counselling..? You've given him plenty of 'space' from what I can see... so it's not like you're putting him under pressure... or is he feeling that way? It's a really hard situation for both of you.

 

Why doesn't his wife file? Or did I miss something there..?

[BeenAround_N_Back]

You cannot walk away because your emotions are invovled! But you even stated a bunch of things that work against you. He may be telling you a bunch of sweet nothings and it's just things he knows you want to hear. You "found out" the W spend the night before.... did he openly tell you the day after?? Do you trust that he is being completely 100% truthful?? If he is not 100% truthful then I doubt that he is the man you think he is and he is certainly not the man you love. Because the man you love would not lie to you and be dishonest....

[movinon05]

This situation is really bugging me! He's been separated for two years now! What exactly is the hold up? Does she still want to be married to him?

 

I know your heart is breaking. My heart is breaking for you! Although my heart was broken many times too, I can't imagine you being so close, spending all that time with him AND his family, and now he's getting cold feet!

 

What was his point in telling you the W stayed over one night? To me, that just says that he's trying to tell you something or at least amplify how undecided he is. Maybe he was even testing you.

 

BK, you have got to step back to protect yourself. Don't cling on him. This man is seriously not in a position to do this IMHO. Have you thought about what he is going to be like if he files? His feelings are not going to change overnight. He's still going to question what he did. HE is NOT ready to make any commitment to anyone!

 

I think if I were in this position, I would be damn angry right now! And yes, hurt, but it would be enough for me to say, we need space. You need to figure out what you want without me. He is seriously putting you through the ringer!

 

What is it that is going to take for this to stop? Its going to take YOU. And somehow, you have got to dig deep and find the strength. Your biggest fear is the unknown. If you take the needed steps, the unknown will then reveal itself and THEN you will know exactly what you're dealing with and can take it from there. You're not as weak as you think. I thought I was too. But not anymore. Never will I let a man take me down that path again.

[puddleofmud]

What are YOUR plans for the holidays? Where do YOUR family and friends factor into your plans? Will he be attending with you?

Will you be having any parties at your home or work and will he be attending by your side?

I do not ask this to be cruel, but rather to nudge you to plan for yourself rather than just "follow his lead".

[kymberann]

Hey Bailey, any update with your situation?

[yousaveme]

I didnt read your prior posts I am sorry about that. I am also in love with a MM. He is still home after being caught. For the kids. They are both in the marriage for the kids.

 

I never heard him say he had doubts about me. Our doubts in " did he do everything" to save the marriage. The underlining thing with him and I is the kids.

 

I think you need to tell your guy. That you need him when he has no doubts. Because if he files and has doubts about anything that includes you and leaving his wife. Then he will always have them and blame you later for them.

 

I hope I'm making some sense here.

 

The reason you cant walk away is because you love him. You dont have doubts about that.

 

I hope I made some sense. And didnt upset you.

[GreenEyedLady]

BK: none of us can tell you what to do...you have to find your own truth...You seem really fed up and you have every right...End it if you feel that you should...

 

If you believe the plan is legit and want to go for it, what does it matter if anyone thinks that it's stupid or MM is just stringing you along?

 

There are no guarantees in life...whether your married or single...when you're single and dating another single person, there's no guarantee that even if you go out or live together for several years that you'll end up happily ever after...or that you if you do marry, that it'll be happily ever after...the best thing that you can hope for is that no matter what YOU make your own happily ever after...

 

If you stay with your MM, stay because you love him and think that it will work between you, not because you're afraid of being alone...that is a fear that keeps women in situations that are not good for them...

 

I feel for you BK...You need to make the best choice for you...and only you know what that is...

[Baileykeg]

Thanks everyone. I'm still so confused but here is the update as of today.

 

First, to answer some questions in earlier posts...our plans for the holidays are to do everything together with my family and his family. I had a holiday party at my home a few weeks ago for about 50 people. His family and my family both attended. Christmas we will be together for 5 days. My family has Christmas Eve dinner and his family has Christmas Day dinner. We will be attending both together. New Year's Eve weekend we will be together for 4 days. We're planning to go out of town in January to see some mutual friends. This coming weekend I plan to go to see him. We spend every weekend together. He has even driven home (2 hrs.) during the week to have lunch with me and then go back that night or to have dinner and go back the following morning for work. He makes a tremendous effort to spend all of his time with me.

 

As far as the W spending the night...we were talking last weekend about his "undecided" feelings and "doubts" about his marriage. I asked if anything had changed as far as she was concerned or the time they were or were not spending together. He says he has an occasional phone conversation with her but that he had not seen her. The last time he saw her was almost a month ago when she came to get some of her things left at the apartment. I don't recall how it came up in the conversation but he told me about her staying the night. He told me the circumstances and that nothing happened. As foolish as it sounds, I believe him. If anything, he and I are honest with each other (even if it is something painful) so I do believe that if something had happened that he would have told me. I think if something had happened then it would show that there's more going on with his relationship with her than he thought and he wouldn't want to continue pursuing our relationship if that was the case.

 

I know that I'm at the point where I should walk away but I just am not ready to give up on what we have. We've made it this far and he's agreed to file in Dec. and serve in Jan. so I feel like at this point I have to stick it out until then. If we get to Jan. and he can't do it then I'll have no one to blame but myself for continuing beyond then. As disfunctional as we are right now I believe in what we have and I believe that his marriage is over. I just don't think that he would be making all of the effort to spend all of his free time with me, have me spend time with his family and to talk about our future if he believed there was hope in going back to her.

 

We talked briefly yesterday and agreed that we want to spend the holiday together as planned and go forward until January. From there, I don't know what will happen. I love him and I want to have a future with him so I'm going to try to stick it out a little bit longer.

 

I can't believe that all of the things that have happened this year as far as his marriage goes would have happened if either one of them wanted to hang on to it. He moved back to my state (where she also resides) and didn't move back in with her, he no longer pays here any financial support, she has collected 90% of her stuff that he still had and he is including me more and more in things with his entire family. I just don't see how any of that could indicate that things were going in a different direction. I know that time will tell. I believe we'll get there eventually. It just doesn't seem to be on the time table that I would like for things to happen. If none of those things had happened and we were still in the same place today then I think I would be more skeptical. As it is, I feel like there still may be a chance for us to work it all out so I'm going to give it a try.

[GreenEyedLady]

BK: Good luck to you...My hope is for you to have what you desire...Sorry it is such a long, bumpy road for you to travel...we are for you when you need support or just want to talk...

[oyster]

You have the right approach, be patient, spend the holidays as planned.

 

Just let nature takes it's course and don't worry about what is out of your control. If you want to keep your sanity.

 

If you did all you can to support him and he still does not make a decision, then you make a decision for yourself.

 

Be strong