noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Noforgiveness is my user name. I have chosen this as a constant reminder to never forgive my best friend no matter how much i may miss the years we spent together. She was truly my bestfriend lunchbuddy, shopping buddy, spabuddy, gymbuddy etc etc. She went through a bitter divorce recently and got much support from my husband and me. From my husbands support she tried to develop it into much much more. from emails and text messages to him beginning with how lucky me his wife is to have a man like him, then to how he would make her feel complete, then to oh how jealous she is that he is going to go make love to me now. etc etc. It got pretty bad. Basically she wanted my husband and was making a huge effort to accomplish that. He was hiding many of her mesages until someone else brought it to my attention. I have forgiven my husband. He's family,he's the ather of my kids. I personally do not feel i need a cancer such as that in my life or in my family's life. She is not a friend. A friend does not do that to a friend. I will never forgive her and allow her back into my life. Would you?
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 If you have read any of my posts, you would see that my ex cheated on me with my bestfriend. She asked for my forgiveness. I did forgive her. I made the decision to forgive her because I could see she was truly sorry. We had been best friends for a lifetime before I found out. I honestly can't say she is my best friend anymore. There was damage done to our relationship, but we are still friends.
a4a Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I would not....... there are much better people in the world to be friends with. A person of that caliber is not worth my time. But then again don't friends share everything........ maybe that is what she thought and just figured your H was up for grabs too? You kicked her to the curb and you should keep her there..... but that does not mean that you have to go on hating her. She hurt you, she cannot be trusted, you dealt with it...... now forget her. I think you may still be angry and hurt with her........did you get any closure in the matter? IOWs did you tell her off, discuss it, or did you just close the door without you making your feelings clear to her?
blind_otter Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You can forgive someone without associating with them. A big part of my therapy for PTSD from being raped was learning to forgive the men who hurt me. It's not like I'm calling them up for coffee or anything. Forgiveness is a private matter of the heart, and it is something you do for YOU. It helps you let go of any bitterness or anger that you hold in your heart because there's nothing you can do to change the past. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you let them back into your life, nor does it mean you forget how they betrayed you.
Author noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 If you have read any of my posts, you would see that my ex cheated on me with my bestfriend. She asked for my forgiveness. I did forgive her. I made the decision to forgive her because I could see she was truly sorry. We had been best friends for a lifetime before I found out. I honestly can't say she is my best friend anymore. There was damage done to our relationship, but we are still friends. i have read that and i honestly don't know how you could have forgiven her. I just don't have it in me. Didn't she sleep with him the day before you were married? Imagine the heartache she could have saved you if she told you before the wedding. Maybe then you could have forgiven for saving you from this man and showing you him but not to sleep before your wedding and tell you years later. I don't know how you can do it. Was it after you got rid of the man though that you were able to forgive? I can not imagine ever going after a friends husband or boyfriend.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I honestly don't know if I would be able to forgive, let alone trust her again. I'm not a bitter person, nor do I hold grudges, but I think there are some things that one can't get past - This is one of them. A bestfriend who betrays like that...How do you even begin to re-build the friendship? Is she showing ANY sort of remorse? Asking for the friendship to continue? Just wondering if she's contacted you or your husband. I know you said recently her mom (sorry, or was it her dad) died and he wanted to send a card of condolence.
Author noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I would not....... there are much better people in the world to be friends with. A person of that caliber is not worth my time. But then again don't friends share everything........ maybe that is what she thought and just figured your H was up for grabs too? You kicked her to the curb and you should keep her there..... but that does not mean that you have to go on hating her. She hurt you, she cannot be trusted, you dealt with it...... now forget her. I think you may still be angry and hurt with her........did you get any closure in the matter? IOWs did you tell her off, discuss it, or did you just close the door without you making your feelings clear to her? :laugh: I totally gave her my opinion of her before locking that door. I do need to forget her but she is still a thorn in our marriage occasionally. Just different reminders of places we have all been together. My husband said he never got closure because i put an abrupt end to any conversation between them. I offered them closure with me there. She would not do i.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Forgiveness is a private matter of the heart, and it is something you do for YOU. It helps you let go of any bitterness or anger that you hold in your heart because there's nothing you can do to change the past. Otter's on the money here. You don't forgive to make them feel better. You do it for yourself. To let it go.
Author noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Is she showing ANY sort of remorse? Asking for the friendship to continue? Just wondering if she's contacted you or your husband. I know you said recently her mom (sorry, or was it her dad) died and he wanted to send a card of condolence. She has called him a few times that he's ADMITTED to. Many times he's not answered others he's told me he talked to her for just a short time which i don't agree with. No remorse no. She's angry with me for other lost friendships she has suffered over this but she chose to tell the story not me. I kept it all quiet. She thought she would get sympathy and i would come off as jealous but i have never been jealous so my friends knew what was up.
Author noforgiveness Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Otter's on the money here. You don't forgive to make them feel better. You do it for yourself. To let it go. I agree. I just don't think i could do it. at least not yet.
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 i have read that and i honestly don't know how you could have forgiven her. I just don't have it in me. Didn't she sleep with him the day before you were married? Imagine the heartache she could have saved you if she told you before the wedding. Maybe then you could have forgiven for saving you from this man and showing you him but not to sleep before your wedding and tell you years later. I don't know how you can do it. Was it after you got rid of the man though that you were able to forgive? I can not imagine ever going after a friends husband or boyfriend. Part of it was because I could see she was truly sorry. And not just sorry for being caught lol. To me that is a huge difference. She and I even talked about what you just brought up about the heartache that could have been saved. We talked alot about it, what happened, how it happened. I told her exactly what I thought. The betrayal hurt me deeply. It was like a kick to the head. I told her that she obviously didn't hold our friendship in as high esteem as I did. She may not deserve a good as friend as me( not to sound conceited, it was just the only way I could think of wording it) But I am what she is getting. I am not changing who I am just because she wronged me. To this day, I will still do just about anything for her. Even though she was a bad friend to me, I won't be a bad friend to her. If I could not see any remorse, if I couldn't tell it bothered her, our friendship probably would have ended. She accepted responsibility for what she had done. She didn't try to blame me, or him. Another poster just said just because you forgive someone you don't have to have them in your life. I agree with this. I think I am beginning to sound like a broken record,but I will say it again. Anger and hatred will eat you alive. I believe it will literally destroy your soul if you let it get out of hand. I made a choice to forgive my friend. I didn't have to. If I chose not to, I would still have had to have found a way to let the anger go.
2sunny Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 after a 20 year marriage ending (that was amazing) - my heart goes out to you at this time. i had no choice but to say that it was finished. however, you seem to have a choice. i have a best friend (fortunately - as well as her hubby - not in THAT way though) that i could never live without. i would lay down my life for her - and she for me. i would never want any pain or hurt for her! you have two choices... either stay stuck in a negative mindset... or move forward for more happiness! hang tough! you can pm me if you so choose.... hugs - 2sunny
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 She has called him a few times that he's ADMITTED to. Many times he's not answered others he's told me he talked to her for just a short time which i don't agree with. No remorse no. She's angry with me for other lost friendships she has suffered over this but she chose to tell the story not me. I kept it all quiet. She thought she would get sympathy and i would come off as jealous but i have never been jealous so my friends knew what was up. He MUST go NC with her. HE owes her nothing! And he's lucky as hell you took him back, so why the F is he still talking to her? That's not a good thing. She sounds like a messed up person and her ways of handling herself were so wrong. I'm sure this is something you never thought she would do, right? And the fact is, her even attempting to call your husband just shows she's not interested in any forgiveness from you. She's only thinking of herself, what she wants - Basically screw you and your marriage! Sorry, don't mean to get you going, but I don't get how a bestfriend could do such a thing to their own BF, let alone all the stuff you've done for her, helped her out. Back to your husband, he needs to make his own closure. IF he opens the door more to her, things will get worse even if he thinks it's harmless and innocent...He has to decide what his priorities are, staying married to you or being in contact with her. He can't have it both ways. Make sure he understands this and that you won't put up with it. (He has ALOT to lose if he continues speaking to her...)
a4a Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 well if they are still chatting..... he is talking to her probably more than he admits to.... The little affair is not over with. No wonder you cannot forgive because what you are supposed to forgive is still going on!!!! If it were me I would expect my H to confront her and tell her to cease any contact. I would then confront her and tell her to cease all contact with me. Both are totally disrespecting you. How long has it been since you first found out about this?
Moose Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Holding resentment towards anybody for anything does nothing for you but make you ill, bitter, and miserable.......so unless you prefer to live that way.....let it go!!
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Moose, you just can't say "I forgive" and move on. And especially so if her husband is still talking to the exBF. It's still too soon.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Moose, you just can't say "I forgive" and move on. And especially so if her husband is still talking to the exBF. It's still too soon. I agree with this. You have to go through all the phases before you're ready mentally to forgive. It's a mind-consuming process. You can't just flick a switch but if you could how nice would that be?
Pink_Tulip Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 :laugh: I totally gave her my opinion of her before locking that door. I do need to forget her but she is still a thorn in our marriage occasionally. Just different reminders of places we have all been together. My husband said he never got closure because i put an abrupt end to any conversation between them. I offered them closure with me there. She would not do i. What exactly does he need 'closure' from? There was obviously a lot more than just a friendship going on between them, and sounds like there still is. I'd really look into that if I were you.
lost06 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 why do u feel like u should even doubt the fact if u should forgive her or no....of course u shouldnt this person tried to tear ur family apart and ur still thinking if u should forgive her, ur way 2 good of a person as i c ...and if u forgive her it will bring u nothing but more trouble
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 What exactly does he need 'closure' from? There was obviously a lot more than just a friendship going on between them, and sounds like there still is. I'd really look into that if I were you. It sounds like he's still emotionally attached to her, and because of that he may feel he can't be cruel and ignore her, and be in full no contact. This is why it's SO crucial for him to let go, and focus on his wife, noforgiveness! His emotions won't let this go yet, and he has to just cut her out of his life completely in every way possible. I can understand why it's painful for you both, losing a close and bestfriend, but for him now to still be acting like he misses her and wants her in your lives again (or atleast his) is so wrong.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I would hardly know where to begin to start forgiving my so called friend if she had an affair with my husband. NF you need to put boundaries down and make him choose one or the other - or accept living in a state of limbo forever. I would also presume the affair is still ongoing. You cant go backwards once the relationship took this illicit turn, you know what I mean? They are just too familiar with each other now to go back to just friends again. If your husband doesnt understand that then he is treating you disrespectfully. I do know what it feels like to have a best friend stab you in the back. This story I havent talked about with anyone. Not even my FWS... In high school, I was pregnant and confided in my best friend (since grade school) Julie that I was two weeks late. She was the only person who knew. I was giving it until the next month to be sure about it before I told my boyfriend. I was seventeen and terribly afraid because my boyfriend was abusive and dangerous. She knew this as well. Well, my best friend told my boyfriend about it and she also had a ONS with my boyfriend on the same night. Double betrayal. He turned on me because I didnt tell him and he seduced her, but as far as forgiving her, our friendship had come to an immediate end. I never spoke to her again. I found out when my boyfriend kicked in my front door drunk and high on cocaine and went completely psycho on me. Told me about the ONS with Julie, too. He chased me around the house with a broomstick (he lit on fire) and told me to get it yanked. Get rid of it, he said. I know people I could have you killed for a dollar, he said. My parents werent home and I locked myself in the bathroom until he left. Julie came over the next morning saying she was sorry, but I wouldnt come to the door. I never saw him or my best friend again. I quit school and moved away and I never told anyone where I was and never went back there, nor attended any of my HS reunions. No forgiveness. No second chances.
crazy_grl Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 If one of my best girl friends did that I would be devastated. I started tearing up a little just considering the possibility. They're like my family and the only people I've learned to rely on. If one did that, I could possibly forgive her, but I could never have her as a part of my life again. I could never trust a person who would crush me like that again. I can handle a lot of sh*t but I'm not sure I could recover from that. I think I would lose faith in people. I'm sorry this happened to you, noforgiveness. I'm impressed that you're doing as well as you are with it. I hope things get better for you soon.
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 I think you should forgive her, but I know that it takes time. It may take you 2 years to even consider it. And I certainly understand the hatred and bitterness you feel towards her. What makes it worst, is that you KNOW your husband is still talking to her and LYING to you about it. THAT sucks. If you don't want to entertain forgiving her right now, that is your option. My religion says that if I don't forgive, then I should not expect to be forgiven. But that doesn't mean for a minute that I just utter some words and its a done deal. Its a process. And the deeper the wound, the longer the process. You and your H need to see a good MC. He needs to understand what is actions are doing to you and your M. What you are feeling is SOOOOOO normal and understandable. Many people don't get it because they simply haven't been there. But, I have to say this: the anger and hatred will eat you alive. You will become a shell of your former self if you stay in this phase of your grief and healing. And that means, that one day, you will need to reach acceptance of the situation whether you attempt a reconcilliation of the friendship or not.
Author noforgiveness Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 Thanks everyone. Wow romeo what a horrible sad story. I don't know how women can betray one another like that. Don't you ever wonder what she is doing today and if she ever thinks about how awful she was? No he is not still talking to her and lying. He is showing me and telling me if she tries to call and he finally after numerous numerous calls in a row decided to answer and told me about it. Granted I only know what he is telling me though so i will always be cautious. I often wonder if he is only telling me 10%. I guess you just have to trust your gut which i am doing right now because everything is going so well. No I will never forgive but others have told me i should and have gone so far as to make fun of my user name so i was looking for other opinions on it.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 But she is STILL calling, making attempts to get into your husband's good side...Maybe together you BOTH can call her and tell her to STOP calling, to move on, let go....Be to the point, don't let her explain or talk too much, just tell her to stop calling your husband. .. Or he can tell her. You're nowhere near forgiveness right now, obviously seeing as she still calls, she's not ready to be forgiven either. Maybe in 6 months or a year when she disappears out of your life - That could be the time to quietly forgive her inside your heart and move on. Hope that makes sense...
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