Sexually Frustrated Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I know that this is a popular topic, but I want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. Well, here it is, I don't enjoy sex with my husband anymore. When we were first sexually active, there was a ton of passion. He could kiss me once and I'd be on the brink of orgasm. Now, it's nearly impossible to turn me on. I have no idea what is going on. Yesterday I almost cried during sex because I wanted to want it, but I just didn't. I know how important sex is in a marriage, especially for men, so I'm still "putting out" but I also know that if I'm not enjoying it then he has to be picking up on that and it can't be satisfying his needs as much. Maybe important info, maybe not: I can get turned on. When I read erotica I get heavily turned on. There was a guy that just brushing up against turned me on. (I got out of there, told my Husband, and haven't seen this "OM" in 6 months). I have never had vaginal orgasams, but usually get off well with oral. Lately I've been bored when he's "down there". Vaginal sex feels really really good for about 5 seconds right before he orgasams, but then it's over. The rest of the time it only feels pleasant. The other thing: I know this is supossed to be some type of indicator about the rest of our relationship. The thing is our relationship has never been better. I love him, I love to be around him, and I feel the same things from him. I have strong strong love feelings toward him, and they grow daily. I'm sexually frustrated and I don't know what to do!
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 It just sounds like you're in a funk. It happens and hey, for now why not just enjoy him? Pleasure him, and really get into that aspect of fooling around. Maybe that will help you get turned on more. Another thing is, how long has this been going on? Because I find depending where I am in my cycle, and the time of year it is (like end of Oct and most of November SUCKED for me sex wise because I felt crappy and not sexual at all), Xmas coming up, stresses etc., gets in the way. Maybe also change things up abit. really talk to him in bed, dirty talk etc...See how that goes. And LUBE!!! DOn't forget that, it's your little helping friend.
Sexually Frustrated Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 It just sounds like you're in a funk. It happens and hey, for now why not just enjoy him? Pleasure him, and really get into that aspect of fooling around. Maybe that will help you get turned on more. Another thing is, how long has this been going on? Because I find depending where I am in my cycle, and the time of year it is (like end of Oct and most of November SUCKED for me sex wise because I felt crappy and not sexual at all), Xmas coming up, stresses etc., gets in the way. Maybe also change things up abit. really talk to him in bed, dirty talk etc...See how that goes. And LUBE!!! DOn't forget that, it's your little helping friend. It's been going on for about a year, but it's worse right now. I think maybe because I've probably given my self "performance" anxiety. thanks for the advice, it is very much appreciatd.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Do some yoga and learn some relaxation skills, this way not only your mind but your body will relax and not feel stressed. It will help you in and out of bed. Also, get a full physical done, just to make sure your Thyroid is OK and you're not anemic. I lost my sex drive due to low B12 levels, and now I'm getting shots once a month which is helping alot. You're welcome and keep posting! I really hope you get things back to normal.
blind_otter Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 are you taking any medication since this began? Antidepressants and some forms of birth control can effect libido. Hell even blood pressure medication can tone it down.
norajane Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 If reading erotica turns you on, maybe you can find a way to incorporate it into your sex life. Perhaps you can read a story with him before sex...or maybe you can write a little erotica starring your H and thing that turn you on and give it to him? Or you can text or email little erotic snippets during the day and think about what you can do together when you get home? Maybe add a little lapdance or strip tease to your sexplay? Have sex in the shower? Fantasize about those erotic stories while you're having sex with H? It sounds like you've lost your erotic self - perhaps if you explore your sexuality with your H and expand your boundaries, you can find it again.
Sexually Frustrated Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You all are making me blush! I have been on BC, but I can't really remember if things were different before the BC. Other than that no medication. It will be time for my annual exam next month, so I could ask the gyno about this as well. By what you ladies are describing, it sounds like I have a pretty boring sex life. We don't do any of that stuff. It's basically: My turn. Me telling him to give up. His turn. Not very exciting or exploratory. He seems happy with it, but he has limited experience. This might be a bit personal, but could you describe a "standard" session in which you incorporate those things? I'm just unsure how to go from the "turn" based sex to more interactive, if that makes any sense.
CynicalP Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Sounds like sex has become a chore for you since it is the same rountine over and over. I agree with Norajane. What in those novels turns you on and can you take charge sexually to recreate those stories in bed ( willing partner of course ). I guess it would be close to role playing. However being in the same conservative sexual boat as you, it so much easier to talk about having spontaneous passionate sex than actually having it. The hardest part is engaging in something without having your inner voice saying 'This isnt really me' or ' I feel foolish doing this'. Also concerning your lack of the Big O during intercourse. Do you get on top and take control and grind those spots that feel good to you? I find this works well for the wife where it get's her spots but rarely gets my spots. So basically she can grind for as long as she likes at whatever pace she likes.
Sexually Frustrated Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Sounds like sex has become a chore for you since it is the same rountine over and over. I agree with Norajane. What in those novels turns you on and can you take charge sexually to recreate those stories in bed ( willing partner of course ). I guess it would be close to role playing. However being in the same conservative sexual boat as you, it so much easier to talk about having spontaneous passionate sex than actually having it. The hardest part is engaging in something without having your inner voice saying 'This isnt really me' or ' I feel foolish doing this'. Also concerning your lack of the Big O during intercourse. Do you get on top and take control and grind those spots that feel good to you? I find this works well for the wife where it get's her spots but rarely gets my spots. So basically she can grind for as long as she likes at whatever pace she likes. Exactly. A chore. Even when it's him trying to please me, it's still a chore. I'm up for role playing, I just don't know how to do it if that makes any sense. I told him tha I wanted to try something different last night, but he was to tired so it didn't work out. He as willing to please me, and after about 1/2 hr, I took over and finished myself off. It's very frustrating.
Sexually Frustrated Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 What do you think about going to a place like Spencers and buying some sex games? Does anyone have these, which do they like, dislike?
dropdeadlegs Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 The thing is our relationship has never been better. I love him, I love to be around him, and I feel the same things from him. I have strong strong love feelings toward him, and they grow daily. I'm sexually frustrated and I don't know what to do! I agree that you are in a short term sexual funk. They happen! That you say that you love him. love to be around him, and those feelings are not waning...it will get better again. Be patient. A year sounds like a long time but if you still feel the love I think you will feel the passion again. Life gets in the way sometimes.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I'm sexually frustrated and I don't know what to do! As you say, this is a popular topic. However, I think what you'll have to understand and accept is that the burden is on the spouse that wants the change. Additionally, he or she also is responsible for defining the change and communicating the parameters in a way that one's partner can understand and respond to. This pretty much eliminates most forms of common marital communication - yelling, arguing, nagging, picking, venting, criticizing, debating and sarcasm. The question you have to ask yourself is this: "If this positive change occurs, what will my spouse get out of it?" Makes for a much easier selll Mr. Lucky
LittleLady Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I've read somewhere that birth control pills lowers libido over time. Might want to look into it. Like in the asian news: "The pill which has proved to be an effective birth control method could cause long-term problems, including sexual dysfunction." Although i bet most american doctors would probably not tell you that cause it's looked down upon to have unsafe sex and they dont want to be responsible if you do get knocked up.
Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 As you say, this is a popular topic. However, I think what you'll have to understand and accept is that the burden is on the spouse that wants the change. Additionally, he or she also is responsible for defining the change and communicating the parameters in a way that one's partner can understand and respond to. This pretty much eliminates most forms of common marital communication - yelling, arguing, nagging, picking, venting, criticizing, debating and sarcasm. The question you have to ask yourself is this: "If this positive change occurs, what will my spouse get out of it?" Makes for a much easier selll Mr. Lucky WHEN U MAKE SOME FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES THEY WILL SHUT DOWN IN EVERY WAY - I DID THAT AND I AM SORRY - THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN IN MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
loggrad98 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I read this with interest, since this most often seems to come from the man's perspective (eg. she does not want sex anymore). I think there is something to be said about how relationships develop. There are phases we all go through. There is the "honeymoon" phase, when we are hot and passionate almost all the time, holding hands constantly, being overtly horny, etc. This can last for a few months or a few years. I think this time is important because we do not really know this person yet (typically) and it helps keep us together to get to the next phase. That is the "comfortable" phase. For my wife and I (now married 15 years) this phase hit at about our 3rd year. We had one kid and one on the way, and my wife noticed we had progressed when she noted that she was not uncomfortable that I was in the bathroom with her while she was doing her "business". I had no idea this had ever NOT been comfortable for her, but interstingly we both discussed how we felt safe around each other, and we now knew each other better. This is inevitably followed by the "holy crap, life is SOOOOO busy phase". This is when we had 2 kids, one on the way, I was in college, she was working 3/4 time to help make ends meet I was working full-time on weekends, etc., etc. This phase has lasted now about 10 years (4 kids now). I noticed that early on in this phase our sex life went through something very similar to what you described. It was not that we did not want to be together, but you hit on it in one of your posts...he was tired. I am sure this is a common theme in this type of experience. We would go to be naked, ready to do the deed, and end up waking up naked 6 hours later when the alarm went off...deed un-done. It does truly take work to get through this part of the relationship, but the rewards can be great. It helped us that we planned a regular night out, and always tried to do things that we did while we were dating. This helped us remember why we "fell" for each other in the first place...incidentally this is almost always a sexual attraction of some kind. Seldom are you attracted to your S.O.'s ability to be a parent (since most of us do not know what that is yet), but rather to his/her cute butt, or the way they move on the dance floor or the way they kiss. We also tried to plan in a regular retreat. We took ourselves to a hotel somewhere and spent a day or 2 just exploring each other. It helps that you want to want it. This is about finding time to devote just to each other, and not to spend it talking about work or kids or whatever. Now we have been married 15 years and we are constantly looking for ways to spice up our sex life. We recently moved into a new home and spent a very memorable evening on the deck making love in full view of anyone with a flashlight. It was a huge turnon for her especially (my wife has this thing for PDA's) and that, in turn, turned me on. The other day we had put our youngest to bed and the other 3 were doing homework around the kitchen table. I was sitting on the couch in the living room. My wife came in and straddled me on the couch, then started kissing me. Then she reached down between my legs and...well you get the idea. We had to keep peeking at the kitchen to make sure the kids did not walk in on anything too graphic. It was a huge turnon and we ended up spending a good chunk of the night that night playing around. I think often it is easy to get into a routine of comfort and safety that is counter-passionate. It is fantastic that you want to be with your S.O. in every way, and not just sexually. I know several couple who have split up because if they are not having sex, they do not know what to do when they are together. Just take that and move it to another level. Try going a week with a heavy make-out session each day, but no sex. That can drive you both wild. Anything to liven things up will probably help, but remember even spontaneity can be planned. You need to take time for each other. Take a bath together and explore each others bodies again. Get to know each other on a different level, or deeper than you ever have before. It does take work, but it will be well worth it. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 That's great!! And keep on sneaking kisses, fooling around when you get afew moments to yourselves. It's healthy and it's good for the kids to see how much mommy and daddy love eachother! (Well, as long as it's not x-rated)LOL It's true, as long as the good thoughts and intent is there, then the sex life will follow when you have the time. Sometimes I tell my husband (when we're in a dry spell)"I'm not worried, I know we have the rest of our lives to have sex with eachother."
loggrad98 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 You know, something I forgot to mention is just what whichway pointed out. TALK ABOUT IT. Communication is what drives a relationship. He will want to know what is on your mind. He knows when you are connected (in the "act") and when you are not. He probably wonders and does not know how to approach it. Make it easy for him. TALK TO HIM. Also from what whichway said...you have the rest of your lives to have sex. That is true. My wife and I help keep ourselves going with a goal we set when we were in the "honeymoon" phase. We were determined to be a couple who had sex 3 times per week even after 25 years together. So after a dry-spell, from either of us (believe it or not, men have dry spells too =), we try to make up for it. Trying to sneak it in a 3 or 4 times in one saturday is a challenge and a lot of fun, and can help keep things fresh and alive (and keep the kids wondering why you keep locking yourselves in the closet =).
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 One more thing...DO NOT over react during a dry spell. Just because one may not be having sex with their spouse doesn't mean things are bad. Keep it in perspective! It all depends on how busy life is, how stressed you both are etc...But if the verbal intimacy is still there and there's cuddling going on, talking and laughing, then going through abit of a dry spell is normal. It sounds like you have a very happy and healthy marriage and relationship!
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 One more thing...DO NOT over react during a dry spell. Just because one may not be having sex with their spouse doesn't mean things are bad. Keep it in perspective! It all depends on how busy life is, how stressed you both are etc...But if the verbal intimacy is still there and there's cuddling going on, talking and laughing, then going through abit of a dry spell is normal. It sounds like you have a very happy and healthy marriage and relationship! OMG...MAYBE THIS WILL HELP THE LINK IS FROM PLENTY OF FISH [ I SHOULD NOT HAVE READ THE POSTS - ITS BEEN TOOOOOO LONG SINCE...] http://forums.plentyoffish.com/2085392datingPostpage24.aspx
Sexually Frustrated Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Wow! Thanks for all the encouragement and great advice. I hope that we can get through this quickly. I have increased my BJ's for him since I'm still not that interested in sex. I bought one of those sex board games to give "him" for Christmas, so I'm hoping that will help me loosen up and get into it more. I have been under a lot of stress lately, although we don't have kids. We started talking about having kids last night when we were in bed, and ironically that got me turned on, but since I'd given him a BJ earlier, he didn't have much to give. Only in rare occurrances can he go more than once in 24 hrs. I envy the 3 or 4 times on a Saturday, WOW!!
Scrivdog Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 The question you have to ask yourself is this: "If this positive change occurs, what will my spouse get out of it?" She doesn't get dumped?
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