MW fell Madly in love with MM-Any advise

[cowgirl6]

First off....I have been reading most of your stories for some time now and I just now registered, so hopefully some of you can lend the same support to me.

 

So here goes...I might be worse off than many of you here..your relationships seem to come from people you know that things "Just happened". I was in a stale marriage- tried to leave several times but Husband always cries and lets face it- HE IS A GREAT MAN. If I could be in love with anyone it would be him. I never have been..married for the security and the thought process of "What are you left with when that love thing fades" I do not work and I have two children and a family who would disown (Did I spell that right?) if I even thought about leaving him.

 

So I am not in my 30's my sex drive is going up an bit and I thought I would try one of those dating websites for married people. So..I actually went looking for the affair. Met someone after some time and some weeding out the creeps and we started a friendship first. (How is your search going, talk to anyone yet, meet anyone yet, etc. etc.) We both had never done this website thing so it seemed a little weird. Eventually one night at dinner it took only about 10 min...we looked into each others eyes, and it was like sparks were flying everywhere. I have only had that feeling about 2x in my life and it was not with husband. I chalked it up to the excitement of the affair that was about to begin.

 

Let me say that both of us connected because on most of those "Married but looking" websites, its a bunch of horny men not getting any at home. I found MM cause he was looking for an emotional affair He wanted to fall in love- VERY RARE. I was not that even into him at first because he was older than me and a bit too straight and nerdy. But soon I fell head over heels in love with him.

 

For those who do not know these type of affairs have rules, typically, "I am not going to leave current situation, neither should you" I made that VERY clear from the start. So did he. You are basically in it for attention and a little love that your not getting at home...and the excitement.

 

Holy crap this is long- sorry...I will finish- just wanted to give you the history...well now 5 months later I find myself in love with a Married man who will never leave, but hates his marriage and is staying for the kids as well...I am starting to feel like every other mistress that gets dumped on...BTW he has never said he was going to leave so there are no promises, but I wonder what the heck is going on I am stuck in this relationship rut of now its supposed to take the next step of going on vacations and meeting parents, etc. etc. etc. and I am wanting so much more with him and I know I can't- how do you cope with that.

 

I am beging those of you who feel the need to make negative comments to yourself and let those in similar sitations reply- thanks in advance.

Cowgirl

[bunset]

Cowgirl,

 

I am now more than 6 months removed from the end of my short A.

I only have gloom and doom to offer, here.

 

When the A was exposed, his W found a way to track his computer and phone use, MM quickly was remorseful and begged reconciliation with his BS.

Susequently I was phoned by his W and she (as politely as possible) told me I should respect their desire to R and cut contact.

Well, my M wasn't worth saving at the time and I only responded politely to MM that if he wanted me, the door was open. He tearfully begged my forgiveness for returning to his W and I continue to respect his choice.

But that didn't stop me from losing my mind with the heartbreak. If I hadn't fallen for him so hard, I may not have respected his choice as much.

I exposed my A to my H and all hell broke loose! Mostly because I tried to hide xMM identity - again out of respect for his choice.

My H and I are working at reconciliation, although it was only a %5 or less chance for sucess...

6 months out we've started over in our marriage. Gotta give it shot, the alternative is disappointment for both of us.

My only advice is to end it as cleanly as possible, as soon as possible.

I have seen success stories, but they are so very, very rare and often involve terrible pain and sufferring.

I can only hope that you find the love and comfort you seek, without any further pain.

[ladibird]

Hi

I really understand where your coming from, I too fell for a MM and i'm also married with a baby. I met him a few times, i know not as much as you but it doesn't matter to me that just that I can't get him out my head which isn't really right when your married to someone.

he ended it the other week cos he realised he had started getting feelings for me and it was becoming more than just fun which is what we both said it was going to be and nothing more.

I know I hadn't been seeing him long but we sent about 30 texts a day some just general chit chat some very raunchy. I met him on a wk end away so unlike you I didn't go looking for it but my marraige is also stale, I love my H loads and wish i could change how I feel but s*x isn't there anymore & I don't feel the same way about him.

I ended up meeting MM 2 week after initially meeting we went for a night out and then back to a hotel well you know where that went it was the best.

I did feel guilty the day after but that was all I was hungry for more.

we met again the following week and spent a day in the country really nice so it wasn't all about s*x, we got on like a house on fire.. I met him one more time b 4 it ended just for a drink after work and the following night when he wasn't with me, he told me he liked me to much and wanted to see me all the time.

Even though I shouldn't have I was over the moon that he felt like that and I told him I liked him to much too.

His head ended was a mess mixed with booze and he realised what he was doing was wrong and people could get hurt. He told me by text he wanted to finish it. I was gutted. Felt sick for days.

Anyway where still in touch said we'll be friends I saw him last week for a xmas drink and I text him all the time too much sometimes but I can't let go sad I know. But I believe we where meant to meet. He lives not far from me yet we met miles away overa football game on tv we both went to see our teams play and we ended up sat at the side of one another and just got talking nothing happened then but I bumped into him again at night even though it was heaving with people and gave him my number just as a mate thing or deep down maybe not.

I'm sorry I'm not much help I just wanted to let you know your not on your own hun, believe me.

I know he'll never leave his wife and family and so he shoudn't although wrongly I woudn't say know in the future if he wanted to be with me.

we had a raunchy text session again the other day so still a bit more than friends.

I am leaving my H after xmas it's hard and I feel sick about it but I need to or I'll end up hurting him in a way I don't want to.

Again i'm sorry I wasn' much help let me know how you get on...

[Guest]

What a sad story.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see a terrific ending for it.

 

First and foremost, if you feel the way you do, you should probably end the affair. It really has nowhere to go but downhill, if you both are dedicated to keeping your families intact.

The stress and anxiety it will cause you will affect every facet of your waking day; trust me, the sooner you end this, the less pain you will inflict on yourself and your loved ones.

 

Talk to your MM and tell him you didn't plan to fall in love, but it happened. Because of this, you need to initiate no-contact immediately. Let yourselves express your feelings to each other, then part ways.

Will it hurt? Oh yes, like nothing else you've ever experienced.

 

I think the only thing that could hurt worse is something happening to one of your children.

 

Find yourself a therapist to talk to, to help you manage your feelings and cope with the loss. And spend some time reflecting on why you are unhappy in your marriage.

 

Have you and your husband ever tried marriage counseling? What is it about him that keeps you from falling in love with him?

 

I wish you luck, no matter what happens

[cowgirl6]

Thanks everyone, last night I did try to end (I will explain) and explain that although we started this to receive unmet needs that we were not getting at home, it became so much more to me. (I know...kiss of death) I explained to MM that he asked me to fall in love with him that he needed more of an emotional attachement so I gave it to him..too much if you ask me. In my mind He was everything I wanted H to be....isn't that always how it works?

 

So I told him I can't do this anymore- its not fair for me to be feeling this way and you another. He was a little pissed and upset, but like a true man did not show feelings. Then told me that He understood my concerns and would do things differently, I told him I don't want someone who doesn't do things on their own and is unaware of their actions. I am starting to feel used here. His wife never shows him attention so thats why he comes to me for me to tell him how hot he is and how much I love him, cause wife won't do it. (See where I am going with this- He wishes it was wife giving him attention really not me)- Easier to walk away at this point.

 

He asked me to lunch this week that he really wants to see me and make this right and work out, then asked if he could hug me. I wanted to give him a hug because we have been through so much that It felt right- You guys know what happens next...I don't even need to tell you. For those clueless he kissed me, I went weak at the knees, he Loves me....blah blah same story happening to different woman. NO I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. I was going to stand my ground somewhat.

 

Someone asked about My H. He is a good man and I do feel aweful about this but counseling will not help the fact that He has never made me feel like this. My own fault for marrying him in the first place- I know this..but he was secure. I did try leaving him before kids and EVERYONE...including my family said he's wonderful (Husband) why on earth would you leave him..I tried explaining that I did not love him like that- noone understood because they all saw what every married woman is missing...attention affection, compliments, which I appreciate, I just don't have those love feeling for him, I never really have. He was a good friend that I married. I know that sounds so cruel, but belive me, he has done his own share of things as well...which is why this is easy for me. He strayed the same reason why my MM is straying- no attention at home.

 

SOOOOO...SOmebody please explain to me this No contact thing- what are the rules....I need to follow through with it and be firm. I am going to start by cancelling lunch plans with MM....but where do I go from here?

Who has that list of no contact rules...I can't find it anywhere.

 

thanks guys- BIG help- and thanks for not judging or bashing me

[bunset]

Cowgirl,

 

No Contact means just that!

I surely hope you do not work with your MM...

You have to be strong, for the best results.

It's OK to get mushy and philosophical on your goodbye. It's even OK to claim that the door is open for a relationship "under different circumstances"

Understand, leaving the door open does not mean periodically 'checking in' to see if the circumstances have changed!

 

If your circumstances change and his do, only then could there be the best potential for your happy ending.

This ending is not exactly happy, but if you close this chapter, knowing that your love for him is based on respect for his success and happiness, then that is a comfort, small though it may be.

Everytime you want to break NC, think of how painful it would be, if his circumstance hasn't changed, or if his marriage improved, or he had issues with his children. Or even if his wife knew, at all....

Keep in mind that this NC is an act of love, all by itself.

Allow your short time together to be frozen in time as happy, and not tainted by turmoil, pain and bitterness.

Ending 'clean' allows you to keep the relationship as a fairy tale to think of with reverence from time-to-time.

Just end it like that.

God, I know it's hard, but make it a treasure.... because if it gets exposed, before you do... it can break-down into your own slice of hell.

At least that's what happened in my case.