I think i'm depressed... ! I hate crying all the time!

[EllieBear]

So it has almost been 3 months since my ex and I broke up and have spoken to each other besides 2 text messages which I sent and he nicely wrote back one being a holiday and the other me being to drunk to drive home and he said he would come get me but that wasn't until the next afternoon and I didn't need him...I just can't get over him! Why won't he return my calls? He said he wanted to be friends! But he won't call me! He's 31 and i'm 24 and I want to be friends and he's being a jerk and ignoring me!

 

We dated for 9 months and he is the one that finally said enough was enough...our relationship was good...we really didn't fight, and we had a good time together we enjoyed each other so much. What ended it was me I guess wanting to see him more, and he didn't have enough "time" to do all he wanted and be with me...I know that I should be happy but I can't...I go through each day pretending to be ok...he is all I think about and can't help it! I wake up each morning and go to bed each night thinking about him! It hurts sooooo bad! I want to go back to when I was happy, but I can't! I think I need some professional help! My friends I feel are tired of hearing about him but I want to talk to someone....I don't know if i'm depressed or just hurt that he won't call me back!!! I just don't know what to do anymore...I wish that my life would be over so I wouldn't have to feel this pain...

 

I feel lonely and lost and not sure if anyone can help me anymore...and I don't want to pay someone to tell me what my friends tell me...and I don't want to talk to someone over the phone...I guess time heals all but it's been 3 months and I still feel like ****....

 

I wish I could change time...Will it ever be ok??

 

I want him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sarah05]

Was age ever an issue before? Did he ever hold the age factor over your head by using phrases like "Oh your too young to understand" or anything like that?

[Cossette4]

Sorry you are feeling down

 

Your post caught my attention because I feel so depressed too and I'm getting really sick of just breaking down at the most random times and sobbing on my bathroom floor.

 

It's been 5 months since my break-up (you can read my other posts for the ridiculously disrepectful and immature way my boyfriend of 5 years decided we wouldn't work out, and then moved in with a skank 2 weeks later.)

 

The only thing I can say is what others are saying to me--this WILL pass. We CAN'T hurt like this forever because it just isn't humanly possible, and EVERYTHING happens for a reason--so if it's a lesson we are supposed to learn, if it's a lesson they were supposed to learn, if we get stronger, and wiser, if we find someone 10 times better....something good has got to come out of it.

 

Make the most of what comes and the least of what goes.

[D-Lish]

Yep, been over three months for me, and the last two weeks have been particularly diificult. I'm still prone to acts of weeping and intense depression over it.

 

I just want the pain to stop and be over it already.

My ex has never responded to any texts or e-mails I've sent- not a one.

He's been as cold as ice. Which is hard to deal with because he broke up with me over the phone, said some nasty blameful/hurtful things and then never spoke to me again.

 

I know there isn't a chance in hell he'll ever come back, and the manner in which he broke up with me- allowing me no closure whatsoever, has caused me a whole lot of heartache.

 

Yeah, I know it takes time. But it doesn't feel like I'm close to recovering.

I keep going over the blameful statements and have internalized that blame and guilt. I felt like I was getting better about a month ago, but I haven't felt good at all lately.

 

I'd love to give you some insight on how to get over this quicker, but I'm at a loss too. I can only tell you that you're not alone in your pain (I know that doesn't help much).

 

Take care,

D

[Summer2000]

Hey there,

 

I totally understand what you are dealing with.. More then likely you are depressed and you have every right to feel upset.. Its totally normal..

 

I was with a man for a year and he broke up with me as well, come to find out he used me for the entire year for sex.. Yeah, nice guy huh?

 

Each day will get better with time, I promise.. A few months ago I was going to kill myself, I felt so lost and did not feel I had anywhere to turn, I felt if he could let me go then I was useless.. It has been almost 4 months now and each day is getting better for me.. I started to date different people and I have been having fun.. My ex is not the only fish in the sea, and neither is your ex..

 

I loved my ex very much, I thought he was my world, over time I am realizing that he is not everything, and I am finding myself again.. You are only 24 years old, you have so much more love to give and to share with someone, don't let this fool change on who you are..

 

Try and go out and meet new people, find yourself again..

 

Your ex said that he wants you and him to be friends, and maybe in time you can, but right now I think you both need some space.. The less you talk to him the easier it will be for you to move on..

 

If you have pictures of him, throw them in a box, anything that reminds you of him, throw in a box.. You are a strong person and you will get past this with time.. I promise

 

We are all here for you and we all know how you are feeling, you are not alone..

 

Summer

[Summer2000]

I don't know if you read or not, but a couple of months ago I went out and bought a book called " Its called a breakup because its broken " its by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.. Anyways this book made a lot of sense to me and seemed to help me though my break up.. Maybe it could help you as well.. It helped me make sense of the sitautaion..

 

Its just an idea..

 

Summer

[EllieBear]

Was age ever an issue before? Did he ever hold the age factor over your head by using phrases like "Oh your too young to understand" or anything like that?

Age was never an issue for us...I never thought of him as 31. Age didn't matter to us...I knew he knew I was young and that I wanted to be married one day and he didn't...one of the reason's I think he knew we should break up...bc he doesn't want to get married..and I did one day.

[EllieBear]

Thanks to all the wrote to me. When reading each of your posts I knew i'm not alone in what I am feeling...I just want this pain to go away...it only hurts the most when I'm at home alone...

 

I totally understand what you are feeling D-Lish...my ex won't respond to me...and it sucks...how do you get through each day...looking at your phone and him not calling...why do you think they aren't in contact?

 

I know time heals all but I just want him back...I feel like we could make this work, but apparently he doesn't want us to bc if he did he would be in contact...I'm doing NC right now and will send him an x-mas card and a merry x-mas text but thats all i'm doing...maybe in the new year we can be friends...but I guess right now I just have to put on a brave face and move on....even though I don't want too...

 

Summer thanks for referring the book...I have read that and it's a good one! I have been reading those kind of books and they help to numb the pain for a little...

 

I just wish that a man that apparently doesn't care anymore about me wouldn't be on my mind all the time....

[BannaBee57]

I'm sorry for your pain

 

I know how hard this is for you, but how do you think it would help you to talk to your ex.

 

Trust me, talking to them will not make it better...especialy if they have no interest in ever getting back together with you.

 

It only hurts me to see my ex out and about, as we have mutual friends. Now he's even envading "my" bar! It's getting to the point where I'm afraid to go out on the weekend cuz I know I'll run into him and he'll pretend like we're just mere aquaitances. It hurts so bad , but I just pretend like I'm having a ball.

 

So, I think if I were you, I would stop trying to make contact and be friends...because he obviously doesn't want it...no matter what he said when you broke up.

[Summer2000]

I agree, don't make contact with him anymore.. It will only hurt you.. You need to let him go, and if he wants to get back together, well, he knows your phone number and he knows where you live..

 

Don't send him anything for x-mas or New Years.. Trust me on this..

 

It was my ex's b-day last week.. Guess what, I did not call him at all, in fact I went out on a date to get my mind off him..

 

If you keep calling and staying in touch with him, you will not be able to move on, you will keep hoping that he will tell you that he wants to get back together..

 

The more you contact him, well, you could also be pushing him away.. You need to give him some space and you need the same.. If you and him are meant to be together then it will happen, but let it happen natural, not by pushing it..

 

I hope this makes sense..

[D-Lish]

Not being in contact has good and bad ramifications.

Bad= no freakin closure

good= no knowledge of what he's doing.

 

I struggle every day. I can't understand how this man that I loved and apparantly loved me can be two different people. I don't know how I do it- but I do it. And you can too.

 

I want to call, I want to e-mail~ but I don't.

I just keep telling myself that he doesn't want to hear from me.

And that stops me from contacting.

 

Gawd it's hard. But it's better than putting myself in the position to be rejected.

 

One day at a time, that's how to deal with it.

Oh, and I joined a gym! That helps!

Meeting a lot of new people that way!

D

[cole]

You guys are life savers. Honestly.

I am right where you all are at right now too - the hurt, the sadness, the anger (I need more of that! Less crying, more righteous indignation! Heh.) ... the just plain-ol' gut-wrenching loneliness is crazy-making sometimes, it's so g-d sneaky!

I prepare for my weekends because the likelihood that I'll have a run-in with my ex (and his now well-established new girlfriend ... a lot can happen in four months, it seems) is pretty good, and add that to the tactlessness of our mutual friends gathering strength for what I could run into, attacking any self-defeating thoughts with a warrior-like intensity, and fighting back slivers of memories from sucking the fun out of my free time with my real friends. But days like today? When it's rainy and dark, and I KNOW that there the likelihood of a chance encounter with my ex is slim-to-none (I want to see him more than I don't want to ... I aggravate myself that way)? It's impossible to ignore.

I took the long route home from work today to cry my eyes out (one good thing about winter - you can sob successfully on crowded streets before 9PM without anyone being the wiser!), and I was shocked by how sad I really was. I feel so run-down from the frustration of the entire situation, and I beat myself up for still caring too.

But you know what? Emotions are so powerful, and we are incredibly lucky to be in touch with them, even though they may make us question ourselves. There are far too many people in this world who are so afraid the feel, to cry, to get mad, to love ... they are missing out on the chance to fully connect their minds and bodies, to be at one with themselves.

Emotions are - ugh - OVERWHELMING sometimes. But crying is pretty cathartic, isn't it? I imagine that it's really hard for my ex to cry, even harder for him to accept any sort of heavy emotion, and hardest of all to understand that his ability to cut-off and shut-down doesn't mean that his feelings don't exist. But what's impossible for him to grasp is idea that not only are other people aware of their feelings, but those feelings impact what they do and why.

Yuck. No passion, no empathy ... I too am so sad and lonely at this moment. But being able to come to this site and reach out feels good, I feel better, I feel connected.

My ex, and probably many of your exes, will forever be alone in a crowd. They aren't able to be "there." They don't want to be. Maybe that sounds awesome today, when you're just so OVER IT, but imagine going through the rest of your life all wrapped up in a fog? Sounds more like a padded cell to me (which is, ironically, where I sometimes think I may find myself if I beat myself any longer)!

I gave him and the relationship, my all ... I bet we all did. We need, must, and have to give ourselves are all too. Cry when you want to cry. Yell, kick, sulk ... I am more afraid of NOT being rocked by my emotions than anything else! It's harder to love when you have no clue as to what love feels like, right?

Pep-talks never hurt either. Yikes ... there's so much to work through. I want it to end too, but at the same time I know it's not easy. If it was, then I still be with my ex - he is the laziest person I've met! I gotta work on this if working on what was is not an option.

I went on a self-help book SPREE (online bookstore - too embarrassed to buy them in a store, which is also an embarrassing admission), I think I bought 14 or so. Some weren't so good, but the ones I liked:

1. Men Who Can't Love - Steven Carter & Julia Sokol - wow. My ex in book form. I learned a lot (not so useful now, of course, but I'm already getting better at spotting the men who should be wearing flashing HazMat signs - thank gawd!)

2. Emotional Vampires - Patricia Evans - saw myself in it a bit too. gulp. Necessary to face my stuff too, though it's not all that much fun.

3. Go Away Come Closer - Terry Hershey - a calming, accepting, nurturing way to look at the intimacy issues we all have. He's spiritual but never preachy. I felt good after reading it, he reminds you that to err is human.

I read a few "humorous" breakup books too - "It's called a breakup because it's broken" for instance - and though I did enjoy them too, I didn't take as much away from them as I was hoping to. But they do make you laugh!

Hope you all are feeling better.

[silentalways]

my 2 cents

 

i posted earlier that the best thing for people to do, when they want to do something that comes from the heart but lack of trust is blocking that]

 

then u have to just work on that and understand that's the thing to focus

 

thinking u have to make a decision about any thing is just pressure

 

you are putting stresses on yerself

 

remember u don't need anyone other than a healthy you - ok?

 

if i can help anyway just let me know

 

u sound like you might be a depressed a bit

 

let people that u already trust in your life right now

 

because you don't want to be posting here instead of working ok

 

i think everyone just wants u to be u and not to worry about anything else

[cole]

Please, whatever you do, try to do whatever you can to STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX, whether iit be by texting, email, phone, smoke signals, voodoo dolls, astral projection, the gossip train, errands that "happen" to be in your ex's neighborhood ... THE COMFORT OF CONNECTING IS ILLUSORY. It only lasts for a moment, but the damage that's been done to the space you've built for yourself, the energy you've refocused into making your goals, wants, and desires happen, and the healing you've achieved in the process, is irreversible. Every time.

IRREVERSIBLE. The game starts all over again.

Let the ex prove his interest in working on a relationship with you, that he can be an equal partner.

There's always a chance that the ex will miraculously get it, get you, and get how to treat you, but ... it doesn't necessarily last unless the two of you have been facing up to your own stuff, and that requires TIME. I'd guess it takes probably enough time to move on while you're waiting.

Easy is alluring, and I have gone down the break-up / make-up road a lot recently! Unfortunately, I've learned that it's mind-numbling easy to start fresh, but really hard to keep it fresh. If you two are stuck doing the same stuff, then that's where you'll inevitably end up, together, AGAIN.

Focus on your strength and confidence, find balance with some tears, and don't let the bastards steer you off your path. He can follow you this time.

[Summer2000]

I don't know if this will help you or not.. But as I have said before a few months ago I was so close to ending my life.. I kept calling my ex, begging him to stay with me.. I made a fool of myself.. With in time I realized that I needed to just get away from him and find myself again.. I myself gave him 100% of my life.. If I had a date with friends, and my ex would call I would just break plans with my friends to go and see him.. It was really bad... Anything he wanted I would do, no questions asked.. Why, because I loved him..

 

To make a long story short I stopped calling and e-mailing him.. Guess what, he keeps calling me and sending me e-mails now.. He wants to see me.. I told him a few days ago I was busy, he asked me with what.. I told him I had a date.. He got upset.. I told him he let me go now he has to live with it..

 

I know I can have him back, but you know what, after he hurt me so bad I don't want him.. With in time you will feel the same way..

 

How could you want to be with someone that broke your heart so bad? Could you ever trust him again? If you went back to him would you just try harder and lose yourself more in the process? Think about a few of these things..

 

Also, I know that you are more then likely sitting back and thinking of all the good moments that you and him have had.. but start looking at the negitve things.. No one is perfect, but it seems to me like you put more effort into the realtionship then he did..

 

Do you really want to go back to that?

 

I have come to terms with the fact that I thought I loved my ex.. but what it really was, is that I was alone and I just wanted to love someone again.. He was not the man for me and neither is your ex..

 

Read books, go out with friends, go to the gym, watch funny movies and get a tub of ice cream.. Thats what I am doing now.. I actully am going back to school now.. I will find myself again and so will you..

 

Don't ever give up..

[Cossette4]

Summer,

 

Just out of curiousity, how long was it before the roles were reversed and he was begging for you to answer the phone? Did he date anyone inbetween and blow you off during that time?

 

It's been 5 months, and I haven't contacted him for 3 months.

 

He had a new girlfriend since a week after we broke up, and they moved in after two weeks.

 

We were together for 5 years and he treats me like I never mattered, even though during those 5 years, he treated me like I was his entire world.

 

I wouldn't want him back either after all the hurt he put me through, but it would feel damn good to have him be the one begging and pleading and feeling stupid and unwanted like the way he's made me feel for 5 months.

 

Do you think it's too late to hope for that?

[Summer2000]

My ex started to contact me about a month and a half ago or so.. We broke up about 4 months ago now..

 

I know that he cheated on me a few times with the same girl.. I guess they never worked out..

 

But if this helps at all I will tell you a story..

 

I once dated a man for 7 years.. We lived together for 6 years, and then got engaged.. Well at that time I had a great job and he hated his, so I got him a job with me.. ( big mistake ) Anyways, the weekend I was going to look at wedding dresses I found out he was sleeping with my co worker.. The egagment was off, I had to move, lost my job since I was so depressed and had no friends at the time.. I use to only hang around his friends..

 

Anyways, he dated this girl for 3 years right after we broke up.. He now calls me and tells me she cheated on him and it was the biggest mistake ever to let me go..

 

He tells me that it is hard to date someone right after you end a long term realtionship, as all you are doing is filling a void in your heart..

 

I can tell you right now your ex is probable not happy, he may seem happy to you, but more then likely he is not happy.. He is probable trying to fill a void too..

 

With in time your ex will probable start calling you and telling you how sorry he is blah blah blah, but when that time comes you will have moved on and you will be happy with someone new..

 

I am single now, I date, but nothing serious as I am still finding myself.. My ex fience and I are great friends now, but I have no intrest in ever going back to him either..

 

Once again, if they can break your heart once they could do it again and they don't deserve that second chance..

 

I have to admitt, it is nice to hear how sorry they are and how they made a mistake, as the same time I almost feel bad for the suckers for being so dumb!

 

I hope this helps..

 

Also- there is a book called " woman who love to much" that is a great book!

[Summer2000]

Oh yeah, right after the engagement was off, he treated me like crap too.. Its normal, they feel guilt..

 

Also, he once told me that he dated so soon after we broke up because he wanted the " excitment again"

 

You know when you first date someone and you get all the butterfiles and you can't wait to see that person.. Well, when you are dating someone for awhile I guess sometimes you loose that feeling..

 

So your ex could be doing this for the excitment as well..

 

I can tell you it will probable never last.. You just sit back and enjoy the ride.. It may look like he is out having a ball and is in loveland right now, but with in time, things change.. I promise you that.. It always does..

[silentalways]

hi again

 

i have a serious question regarding health issues, cocaine and past relationship - if anyone have some good background and solid advice that they might pass on to me - would anyone care to talk Instant Message style for a bit? I have really been looking forward to getting back to something most would considering but for me it would heaven.

 

stay kewl

[Summer2000]

do you have yahoo mess? if so let me know and we can talk.. My mother used a lot.. so I know a lot about this stuff

 

If you all have noticed, I don't have the best of luck! hee hee

[silentalways]

broken hearts are great

 

the mending is fun

 

and that part of love

 

yes i am in the courtship stage

[Guest]

Rats! What a day a difference makes. Or does it? Sometimes, well usually when I try to convict myself to some dillusion of sorts, it hits me. The closure of a r/s or contact that seems never ending in your mind. Was it lonliness that entailed me to continue my path? Surely it wasn't the conviction of egotistic reactions/ people can say the meanest things with a smile on the face. You know...

 

But, I have realized in my time, that there are individuals that have such impact, whether it comes pleasantly across or definitely; it contains neither right or wrong but instinctual, hard into your heart and soul. There just isn't any denying it. The boundaries of life may dictate such, yet I have found in my life that these type of emotions are truly rare and you just can't go looking for it. Dam-! Don't you just HATE it?! Yes and know. The more you may question, the more difficult it must be to analyze it all for all the right or wrong answers. It may appear easy at times, but truth be known, as time in life may allow, young vs old, white or black, gender be told, the chemistry is two-fold or with all your might find reason within the strength to carry on.

 

I didn't go lookin, matter of fact I avoided and tried to shield my feelings for what I believed to be 'whats fair in love and war'. F-ck, I got it/! Then again WTF am I doing? Would or could this be fair? The pro vs con obliviate me to no end. I hide behind the guise of whats' right... Or the upbringing of catagorized beliefs. But then again, I've never been one to follow.

 

Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, but really a cluck? Hmmm. Elementary dear watson, =no. It wasn't and ease on down this road. Time will tell. And it will envelop what we cannot do. Atleast in my case I hope it will. It drives me to no end of why, when as time goes by a little piece of my heart goes with it.

 

Dam- , now that made alot of sense...shish

 

Time on my side? Time will tell doesnt it?!

 

Haz

[bubbalump]

Hey, guys...well seems to be mostly gals on this one!

 

BUT....

 

Im closing in on 50 days NC after trying to be friends with my ex gal after she ended our relationship. We split mainly because of our situation with gradschool and her not knowing exactly what she wants in life. I looked at her, and saw the woman i was going to spend the rest of my life with! and then well....it all ended.

 

I was a wreck for the first month and a half, then slowly got back on my feet.

 

Im at a weird stage right now, im like a yo-yo. BIG TIME UP and DOWNS. One minute im saying hey , im gona call her up and tell her lets try the friends thing again!

 

Then the next minute im back in the dumps. One constant though, i miss her. Not only as my girlfriend and lover, but as my friend. We were friends before we got involved and its something that hurts to lose. I told her it was just too much for me at the time to be friends.

 

DO i care for her ? HECK YA! do i love her? sure. But im coming to the realization she came to 3 months ago...it wont work for us now. And its not a horrible thing. You can go on without your ex, and you will. To move on , i think the most important thing to realize is IT. IS. OVER. When you arent waiting for them to comeback...is when you truly start to heal. You were a great person before you met them , and you are an even GREATER PERSON NOW!

 

I look on these boards ( which have helped SO MUCH!) and you realize , breakups happen...hell, over half of the people who get married get divorced.

 

Im learning to love myself, its a process , but once you put yourself first, its a wonderful thing.

 

PS. just a little trick, if it helps ya , use it!

Whenever i get down , i picture my beautiful ex ( ill never be able to take her beauty away from her lol ) point blank telling me "its over".

 

And its does sting like a pinch for a few seconds, but its effective. I have to remind myself SHE MADE THE CHOICE to end the relationship. And i can only do one thing in response.....Love myself!

[silentalways]

gawd

 

i've waited so long to hear yer side

 

and i'm banned

 

i'll just sit back and u let me know when or if not ok

 

i came back for clarification and plan because this, as u know, is the important and dangerous stage

 

how this works really determines the future

 

and if u need to do what u do [knowing that i have told u how it will effect health - that is fine]

 

hope to talk soon

[EllieBear]

It's been almost 3 months with NO contact...that mean's he won't ever contact me...if he hasn't now...why will he in the future??? That is why I'm soooo depressed! I just don't understand why he's not calling atleast to just see how I am doing...He started off doing that we talked twice right when we first broke up and BOOM over night he stops all contact...I hope he's not with anyone new...I just want him back! I've grown up alot and I want to try again...I just don't want to be the one calling all the time being that psyco girl! I know everyone here is going through the same thing and it's great to see that I'm not alone!

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I will never understand men!