Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I can maybe understand her wanting to tell the wife if their affair has been a very long term thing, but after 6 months??? WTF. Most single people involved in a relationship that ends, especially if only 6 months, don't freak out. They accept it and move on. Sorry to sound harsh but the reality of the situation really is, she knew he was married, has a child (Obviously she knew his wife was pregnant when they got together) he's changed his mind and she's freaking out over it and now is looking for revenge. First of all I didn't expect such harshness. To begin to reply to your post: it isn't over between him and I, so I have nothing to freak out about. I am not looking for revenge because I have nothing to get revenge over. And obiously I didn't know about the wife being pregnant at first that didn't come until after the affair had started.
Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I agree and this probably will not be his last nor was it probably his first A. Wouldn't have been lovely if he brought home some herpes or aids to his pregnant wife. I guess she got lucky this time he didn't. Which will hurt her more........ a nice potentially deadly disease or her finding out the truth so she can protect herself? Your making me sound like a "dirty" disease infested animal. The job that him and I have make us get tested for AIDS and if a man had AIDS there would be symptoms. Maybe infected with HIV but not AIDS. Guess she did get lucky that I didn't give her something
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 First of all I didn't expect such harshness. To begin to reply to your post: it isn't over between him and I, so I have nothing to freak out about. I am not looking for revenge because I have nothing to get revenge over. And obiously I didn't know about the wife being pregnant at first that didn't come until after the affair had started. Then why do you feel the need to tell his wife? What real purpose and what do you expect when you tell her? Once the affair started and you did find out, you had a choice to end it, but you didn't. I guess I don't understand how you can expect him to leave his wife and child for you only after 6 months...Even if he has told you he will, he's lying to you, to himself and to his wife. I hope you see that. Sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but sometimes harsh advice is the best kind, it stops and makes you think. I'm not going to pat you on the back and tell you all is going to be OK when the reality of your situation isn't, especially if YOU choose to tell her. Be prepared for the all fallout. He isn't stupid, he's going to figure out that you told her even if you put it in a note annonymously, and he will cut you out of his life so fast and turn it all on you.
bonehead Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Your making me sound like a "dirty" disease infested animal. The job that him and I have make us get tested for AIDS and if a man had AIDS there would be symptoms. Maybe infected with HIV but not AIDS. Guess she did get lucky that I didn't give her something She wasnt saying YOU are have a disease. Her point was that more then likely this wasnt his first or last affair. How many has he had? HIV and AIDS are the same virus. Only difference is on is Presymptom the other is postsymptom. So if your infected with HIV you have the potention of developing AIDS, or you could just be a carrier of HIV in which case you will never develope symptoms but can still spread it with will lead the other person to develope AIDS. Same disease, different stages. As far as telling, Yes I think she needs to know, but now is not the time. With a new infant she needs to focus on that baby. I would also have concerns with postpartum depression. She is going through hormonal changes right now, and that may trigger it. She may also end up seeing the pregnancy as the trigger for the affair and hold some resentment towards the child. Hormones can do some funky things to the thought process
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Your making me sound like a "dirty" disease infested animal. The job that him and I have make us get tested for AIDS and if a man had AIDS there would be symptoms. Maybe infected with HIV but not AIDS. Guess she did get lucky that I didn't give her something Yes she did get lucky. If you did have a disease, she wouldn't have any chance to not get it. She has no idea if you have a disease or not and she deserves the chance to make that choice for herself. She has no idea what you do and don't have. Just because you know you are clean doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to know who her husband has been sleeping with. * edited to add * She doesn't even know she is/was competing with an OW. If you had a spouse, wouldn't you want to know what they were up to? I suspect if you got brought home a disease or two, you might understand what we are talking about.
Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I didn't post this thread to talk about STD's. Everyone who has spoken about STD's should know that I never said this was a sexual affair. You can have a strong emotional affair without the sex part. I care about MM alot but I do not know if I am in love with him. We have a strong emotional connection. I do not want to break up a home and that's not my intention. If that would be what would happen then that's what would happen. That would be be beyond my control. I do not feel that i am being selfish because I do not expect him to come running to me once the W found out. If he did great if not then I'll deal with it. Her finding out would result in her taking the child away from him or so he thinks. Both of our jobs would be at stake, as well as his embarrassment of his family as well as both our embarrassment at work. I am ONLY looking at it from this aspect of her finding out, I know that if it was me this was happening to, I would wantto know. She has the right to know what her H has been up to. The only reason why he is staying in his marraige right now is for the child. There is no physical connection there between them. Or should I say he hasn't been attracted to his wife for some time now. We were friends before any of this started, so I know alot about his situation before I got involved in it. ANd by the way, by know means do I believe that what I am doing with the MM is right. I am just not willing to give him up, but if his wife found out and he did, then I would deal with it. So please stop the STD thing unless you want to start another thread about that..
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Ok, STD's aside, I will repost what I said. If you were the spouse at home, who thought everything was ok, wouldn't you want to know if your spouse had been cheating on you?
Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Ok, STD's aside, I will repost what I said. If you were the spouse at home, who thought everything was ok, wouldn't you want to know if your spouse had been cheating on you? That was my main point. I know that I would want to know. I think she should know. She should know what her H is up to. Regardless if I loose him or not. I've already excepted the fact that him and I may go no were or may go somewhere. I just believe that she should know. I honestly want what is best for him. I know the wife finding out will cause more problems between them but in the end maybe they can work it out. And if not then everyone in the situation (including me or excluding me I don't care ) would be better off. As far as the child is concerned, just because the child would grow up possibly without both parents under the same roof, wouldn't it be better than having a father who constantly is running around on his mother? That's why I started this thread.
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Whoknows- my posting about STD's maynot apply to you. But it can apply to other people who read this thread. Every time he sleeps with anyone else other than his wife, she is being forced to be exposed to all sorts of things she may not want. I am sorry if you are offended by it being brought up, and I am sorry for assuming you were having a sexual affair. (sorry that was on my mind after I posted) I believe that if a person is going to mess around on their spouse, they should be prepared for the reprucussions. That includes someone telling the wife. She deserves to know what kind of man she is really married to. You posted "Regardless if I loose him or not. I've already excepted the fact that him and I may go no were or may go somewhere." My question to you is....if you are willing to tell his wife what kind of cheater he is....Why would YOU want to be with him?
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Sorry this is whoknows I just didn' sign in. The reason why I would want to be with him is more about our friendship than anything. And I don't even know if I want to be with him. It's more if he was doing it to me, meaning if I was the wife and not the other woman I would want to know...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 A new mom cannot possibly take care of an infant the way it should be taken care of after learning of an affair. It was all I could do for a year to keep my own head above water, good thing that my kids could help themselves. You and he are hurting her by what your doing, but you want her to know because YOU would want to know. That's crazy, YOU wouldn't want to be betrayed, yet you are party to the betrayal. Do NOT do this to an infant. How could you? If there were not small children involved I would say tell her if you must. He WILL hate you for it, that I am sure of.
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 A new mom cannot possibly take care of an infant the way it should be taken care of after learning of an affair. I was taking care of an infant a month after my spouse died. I realized that I had to buck up and take care of him no matter what I might have been feeling at the time. The situations are not the same, but a parent has to be a parent no matter what is going on. ( a good one anyway) When is the woman supposed to find out what kind of man she is dealing with? When the poor kiddo involved is 18? Good news is, Even if the OP doesn't tell, Chances are he will repeat his behaviour. Well that's not the good news, but if he is a repeat offender, he will eventually get caught.
norajane Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I think she should know. She should know what her H is up to. I honestly want what is best for him. I know the wife finding out will cause more problems between them but in the end maybe they can work it out. And if not then everyone in the situation (including me or excluding me I don't care ) would be better off. So altruistic and kind of you! How sad for all of you that you didn't come around to this way of thinking BEFORE getting involved with this man. Why did your desire for honesty and openness and doing the best thing for him not come to your mind when this affair was beginning so that you could avoid getting into it? Would that not have been best for him? As far as the child is concerned, just because the child would grow up possibly without both parents under the same roof, wouldn't it be better than having a father who constantly is running around on his mother? That's why I started this thread. Getting a divorce is obviously not the only option. Some options are worse - a few posters have explained what those are: the mother of that child is post-partum - meaning, her hormones are all over the place. If she finds out about her H's emotional affair now, yes, she might resent the child, she might go into a depression where she cannot care for the child - the child will suffer!
addicted2love Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Whoknows....I recommend you take a step back and really think long and hard about your situation. I think you are completely twisted up inside emotionally. My guess is because this MM of yours is manipulative. You say that you aren't willing to let him go...but you don't know if you truly love him. Then you say that if you lose him because the wife finds out then so be it. Sounds like you should just walk away from this situation while you still can. If it's meant for his W to find out then she will but it isn't your responsibility to hurt her or her child. I agree with everyone who says now is NOT the time. I'd also like to know why you feel it is your responsibility to be the one to tell her. You aren't doing her a favor. If you have your own guilt about the situation then you need to handle that for yourself. You can't have it both ways....a.) putting yourself in her shoes you would want to know...and b.) be the other woman
Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Not that this matters really. But I can remember before him and I ever started anything and were just friends. He was telling me and a few other peolple who are friends that he wanted to get a divorce because his marraige wasn't worth it anymore. He told the W he wanted to get a divorce if things didn't change. Well not expecting any thing less he still slept with her. He was telling me that he found out that the W stopped taking birth control and lied about it saying she did. Then didn't tell him for 3 months that she knew she was pregnant. So in the end the only reason why she got pregnant was to hold on to him. What type of person is that?
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Not that this matters really. But I can remember before him and I ever started anything and were just friends. He was telling me and a few other peolple who are friends that he wanted to get a divorce because his marraige wasn't worth it anymore. He told the W he wanted to get a divorce if things didn't change. Well not expecting any thing less he still slept with her. He was telling me that he found out that the W stopped taking birth control and lied about it saying she did. Then didn't tell him for 3 months that she knew she was pregnant. So in the end the only reason why she got pregnant was to hold on to him. What type of person is that? I will caution you about this. MM will make up the wildest(or not so wild) stories for OW. He might be telling the 100% truth. I don't know, and neither do you. Read some of the other OW stories here, alot of them found out their MM were lying about all sorts of things to get sympathy, laid, or whatever.
bonehead Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Not that this matters really. But I can remember before him and I ever started anything and were just friends. He was telling me and a few other peolple who are friends that he wanted to get a divorce because his marraige wasn't worth it anymore. He told the W he wanted to get a divorce if things didn't change. Well not expecting any thing less he still slept with her. He was telling me that he found out that the W stopped taking birth control and lied about it saying she did. Then didn't tell him for 3 months that she knew she was pregnant. So in the end the only reason why she got pregnant was to hold on to him. What type of person is that? What type of person does that make her? It makes her a mother before all else.
MOMMIE Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I just want to say that you should be really careful. A girlfriend of mine is no longer alive because of a similiar situation. I don't think she ever realized how serious and dangerous the situation was. The woman who killed her is now out of jail. It was considered a crime of passion so she received a slap on the wrist. So, just please be careful.
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 What kind of person is this? LOL, Your typical WS. Thats who!!! My FWS said all kinds of terrible things about me (cut and paste everything you said) and so did his buddies who were anti-women because we always had what they wanted. They were enablers and they would talk about this, that and everything else when it was clearly none of their business. Their M is none of your business either. He makes all this up to justify leaving her. What kind of person is that. And what kind of person are you getting involved where you have no business being? You are a hypocrite because on one hand, you want her to know, but on the other hand, youre also the one who is sticking it to her. That is why everyone is saying that you are doing this for spite. I feel the same way.
stevensgirl Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Here's a bit of advice for you..... How would YOU like it if someone called YOUR parents to tell them that you are having an affair with a married man??? Leave his wife alone, look for a single man next time and then your "problem" won't seem so big!! You are just as selfish as the cheating husband, maybe more so because it sounds like you will stop at nothing to get him!!
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I am agreeing with the majority here...Don't tell her. For all the reasons listed and the fact too, YOU knew he was married when you started this affair. Once you found out about his wife's pregnancy, YOU continued the affair. Now that things aren't exactly going your way, you want to tell her. Karma will come around, he'll get his one day but if you spill the beans, you're opening up karma to come at you big time. Honestly, maybe if you poured your heart out and were truely inlove with this man and wanted him, most may be posting differently, but because you say you're not even sure if you want him or love him, the whole thing is crazy. You're messing with people's lives, innocent people, like that poor child. This thread is making me feel ill to my stomach. You want out? Then end it with him and revenge is - LIVE life happily on your own and don't worry about him or what goes on in his life. You're not GOD, you're the OW who is trying to control everything.
bonehead Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 As far as the child is concerned, just because the child would grow up possibly without both parents under the same roof, wouldn't it be better than having a father who constantly is running around on his mother? I agree with this thought IF THE CHILD WAS OLDER. right now its not about the child not having both parents under the same roof. Getting a divorce is obviously not the only option. Some options are worse - a few posters have explained what those are: the mother of that child is post-partum - meaning, her hormones are all over the place. If she finds out about her H's emotional affair now, yes, she might resent the child, she might go into a depression where she cannot care for the child - the child will suffer! This is my BIGGEST concern. Why didnt you say something BEFORE the child was born? Whats wrong with just ending it and letting it go and telling her later?
Author whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Actually this whole thread is making me sick to my stomach. I guess I should have known better than to expect help from a forum. I apologize for starting this thread because everyone seems to jump down my throat. But I will add that there have been some that have given good advice. I agree that it isn't my place to tell her for the most part. I was just looking at it from the other way around.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You should have known better than alot of things, asking for help from a forum probably being the least significant! You asked, advice was given. I hope that you and MM are able to be together someday, you seem perfect for each other. My prayers are with W and child.
addicted2love Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Actually this whole thread is making me sick to my stomach. I guess I should have known better than to expect help from a forum. I apologize for starting this thread because everyone seems to jump down my throat. But I will add that there have been some that have given good advice. I agree that it isn't my place to tell her for the most part. I was just looking at it from the other way around. You asked for advice...I think you have gotten excellent advice from everyone on this board. We have given you reasons, examples and personal stories regarding your situation. We've been there and done that. It may not be what you want to hear right now but the people here are very genuine and wouldn't give you bad advice just to "jump down your throat". Just about everyone here expressed concern for the baby and the mother. They are trying to get you to realize that this should be a concern for you as well if in your heart you want to do the right thing. Does telling her really have any positive benefit to you? I don't think it does. Telling her only hurts EVERYONE including yourself. What good can come from that? None that I can see. It won't make you feel better...I promise. In the end you will make your own choice....just make sure it's one that you won't regret.
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