whoknows Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 My situation is that I have been involved with a MM for over 6 months. He just had a baby with his wife a few months ago. He also said that he doesn't know if he wants to leave the W because of the child. He said it's difficult at home and if he could be with me he would but he doesn't know what to do. The reason why I am posting this is because my mind is pretty much made up that the W needs to know about what her H has been up to. I am going to send her an email without identifying myself. I am going to tell her that I am a W of someone her H works with. I need to know if this is how I should do it or if I should do it another way. I also know that this probably will not get me any closer to being with my MM but I believe that she needs to know. I know if I was married and my H did that to me I would want to know.
stillhere Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I do not believe this is the way to go. You should not be the one telling her. Did you know that he was married 6 months ago? Right now she has enough on her plate as a new mother. This is something she does not need in her life at this moment. If you do not plan on staying with the MM, just walk away and don't look back. Don't be the one to destroy their family. Maybe he will see what he has done and make it right.
BenThereDunThat Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Coming from someone who wanted to tell the wife...BADLY...don't do it. I knew that my motives were purely selfish. If I really thought I would be doing her (the wife) a service, I would have. But honestly, that's not why I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her so that she would feel that "punch in the stomach" feeling like I had felt all those months. As much as I hate it when people tell me this, it's true -- Karma will take over. Karma does show up. I know it sucks waiting for her, (BELIEVE me, I know), but it does work out. If you live your life, be happy, take care of YOU, it does work out.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You knew he was married when you decided to have an affair with him. Obviously you knew his wife was going to have their baby - And now because he won't leave his wife and his new family, YOU want to tell her about the affair, but pretend it's someone else? To get even with him? Ruin her life, their child's life? Listen to the others. DO NOT DO IT. You're reacting on raw emotion and you're about to do something you can never take back, and you'll probably regret it for the rest of your life. IF you do tell her, be prepared for the fallout and all the consquences and series of events that happen when she does. She WILL come to talk to you too. Bottomline, things changed and now he is changing his tune. He doesn't know if he wants to leave. You knew going in (unless you reallly thought he would end his marriage, leave his child to be with you all along?) he was married, you helped him cheat on his wife...But, it's THEIR marriage, not yours and it's not your place to tell her.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Don't tell the W...you are doing so for purely selfish reasons...the W doesn't know about you and is going through enough without you deciding to turn her world upside down...it's obvious that you think what he is doing is wrong, so why are you a party to it? I am an OW myself and I think that you should keep it to yourself...it's not your place to tell the W...
pureinheart Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Hey Whoknows, Don't tell her....if it is meant to be exposed, it will happen.....I wanted so bad at times to tell her, to expose the lies and manipulation....each time there were different motives corresponding to the current situation. One time, I wanted her to know thinking he would run to me...Second was to stop the lies....towards the end it was about getting him back, vindictive. Personally, don't see any future in that relationship....life has been so much better for me without MM
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Since I'm not an OW and have never been but have been cheated on, I'll give you my view. I'm the type of person who wants to know, regardless of who tells me. Better to know that he wanders than to continue in a lie and potentially acquire some disease from his wandering. A wife with a new baby is something else. She does need to focus on the baby. Be certain you're doing this for her sake versus an act of revenge. I can only be disturbed by the MM's behaviour that just because he couldn't get it at home because she was pregnant, he went elsewhere. Not much of a man in my eyes.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I can maybe understand her wanting to tell the wife if their affair has been a very long term thing, but after 6 months??? WTF. Most single people involved in a relationship that ends, especially if only 6 months, don't freak out. They accept it and move on. Sorry to sound harsh but the reality of the situation really is, she knew he was married, has a child (Obviously she knew his wife was pregnant when they got together) he's changed his mind and she's freaking out over it and now is looking for revenge.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Length of time means nothing to the wife. He's put his twinkie elsewhere...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I think that she meant 6 mos for the OW in the R is not a long time...
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Yes, I did understand that. Keep in mind that I'm posting from the other side of the spectrum.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I know...I wish WWIU would come back and explain...but I interpreted it as why is the OW starting to get vengeful when she went into it knowing he was married and had a pregnant W...that was my take...
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I am against the grain. She deserves to know what she has been exposed to. Your reason for telling her might be selfish, but she deserves to know. She has no idea that she is being exposed to other people. She deserves to be able to make the decision for herself, if she wants to be exposed to all the people her husband might be messing around sexually.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I know...I wish WWIU would come back and explain...but I interpreted it as why is the OW starting to get vengeful when she went into it knowing he was married and had a pregnant W...that was my take... What would you like me to explain? I think that she meant 6 mos for the OW in the R is not a long time... That is what I meant. Length of time means nothing to the wife. He's put his twinkie elsewhere... I agree, she's going to be pissed off and upset either way.
pureinheart Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I can only be disturbed by the MM's behaviour that just because he couldn't get it at home because she was pregnant, he went elsewhere. Not much of a man in my eyes. Hey TBF....I was thinking the same thing
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Hey TBF....I was thinking the same thing Not surprising pureinheart, it did beg to be said.
mizzsmiley Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 i think you have selfish motives. you dont want to tell his wife because she "needs to know". You only want to tell her so she would kick him out and he would come crawling to you. The baby is the one who will suffer from a broken home if they end up spliting up. He should be the one to tell his wife he had the affair with you.
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 i think you have selfish motives. you dont want to tell his wife because she "needs to know". You only want to tell her so she would kick him out and he would come crawling to you. The baby is the one who will suffer from a broken home if they end up spliting up. He should be the one to tell his wife he had the affair with you. Yes he *should* be the one to tell, but what are the chances of that happening? The woman deserves to know what she is being exposed to, no matter who tells her.
a4a Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Yes he *should* be the one to tell, but what are the chances of that happening? The woman deserves to know what she is being exposed to, no matter who tells her. I agree and this probably will not be his last nor was it probably his first A. Wouldn't have been lovely if he brought home some herpes or aids to his pregnant wife. I guess she got lucky this time he didn't. Which will hurt her more........ a nice potentially deadly disease or her finding out the truth so she can protect herself?
lasan Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I agree and this probably will not be his last nor was it probably his first A. Wouldn't have been lovely if he brought home some herpes or aids to his pregnant wife. I guess she got lucky this time he didn't. Which will hurt her more........ a nice potentially deadly disease or her finding out the truth so she can protect herself? By now most of you know I feel very strongly on this topic. My ex-husband gave his new wife something permenant. I am to thankful that I was spared that! My Sisters found out her ex-husband gave her chlamydia (which is why he is the ex lol). It could have been worse. Alot worse. The woman deserves to know.
cowgirl6 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I know a part of you is hurt by MM and wants to get back at him, but telling WIfe is not the way to go. She did not do anything to you and as others have stated, it is not your place to tell her or to do something as to give her a "Hint" so she finds out on her own. I get it, I would want to know as well, but she has a new baby and TRUST me, that baby will suffer while she is freaking out over the affair. Sometimes I have heard that the spouses wished that they never found out because the pain that is associated with the deception is unbearable, much more than your pain that your dealing with right now. (Trust me- I was the wife that found out- IT HURTS LIKE HELL AND YOU"LL NEVER GET OVER IT). He will HATE you if you do this and if he ever plans on leaving her, it will make the divorce very nasty and chances are the two of you will not make it anyway- NO man likes an irrational woman...all it does is make them realize that home life is not that bad...in a couple of years, he will realized why he strayed and do it again. Trust me on this one....the less irrational you are and the more sympathetic you are the more you will get out of him. He will come to you more because your not nagging him. I KNOW I KNOW easier said than done. But please try It wil be in your best interest.
addicted2love Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You seriously need to listen to what everyone is saying. I found out my H cheated on me when our child was an infant. No one told me but I found out because my gut wouldn't let me ignor his behavior. Here's the thing...when it was finally all out in the open I was so devastated that I could barely take care of my infant daughter. She looks just like my H and every time I looked at her I cried. It was hard enough being a brand new mother and then finding out the solid family I thought I had was falling apart was just crushing. My child suffered too. Children feed off of the mothers emotions. My happy little baby was as sad and miserable as I was and I was so hurt it was very difficult for me to console her. Don't do this to them. She didn't ask for this. Yes your MM is a jerk for doing this to ALL of you. However the W and baby didn't ask for it. If things are that bad for your MM at home nature will take it's course. You don't need to help it along. Don't be selfish...think about the effect it will have on the child! DON'T DO IT!!! Karma will take care of this for you! And if you think he's going to come running back to you after you've broken up his family you are WRONG WRONG WRONG....TRUST ME they chose the wife 90% of the time! My H came crawling back with his tail between his legs! And I took him back. Anyone who has never been a BS will say "I would never take my H back if he cheated". They don't know what they will truly do until they are in that situation. (Never) flys out the window when push comes to shove and your family is at stake. Trust me on this I've been on both sides of the fence. If you think she will throw him out, think again. When it happened to me my first thought was..."IF he thinks he's going to go screw around while I"m here raising his kid he's got another thing coming." At first I took my H back strictly so that my daughter would have her father in her life everyday. A2L
JamesM Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I agree that she needs to be told, but I do not think now is the time. If I remember my wife during the first few months of a new baby...expecially the first, her emotions were much more fragile than later. Let the wife handle the new baby and make a routine. And many women have postpartum blues...adding this would make it worse. I do not think that this is necessarily more than a first affair for him. Pregnancy does mess up people. No, I don't think he should have had one and certainly not during the pregnancy. But it happened. Telling her will not change it. My guess is that she will do everything in her power to make it work out with him. She will do what she can to keep him from you. You will not get him. Why do I say this? Because she just had a child with him. Not knowing anymore than what you said, I am guessing she will want to try to keep this marriage together for the baby's sake. If your motive is revenge, it will probably backfire. If your motive is to make her "see the light," I am guessing she will ignore it. If your motive is to get him for yourself, I think you will lose. Walk away from him, and realize that you missed a bullet. If you stay with him, you could be her someday.
frannie Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I am against the grain. She deserves to know what she has been exposed to. Your reason for telling her might be selfish, but she deserves to know. She has no idea that she is being exposed to other people. She deserves to be able to make the decision for herself, if she wants to be exposed to all the people her husband might be messing around sexually. I agree with this. The wife needs to know. And if the OP is telling the wife without exposing who she is, then I don't see that it's ANY different from finding out from a friend or anyone else. Just because the OW is doing it to kick the MM in the pants doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. If it were me, I'd want to know my husband was wandering when I was busy having his baby.
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