kymberann Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 So it has been four weeks since MM split from the R. It sure isn’t easy, but I can honestly say it is getting better. Today was a difficult day because we always had Sundays to spend together. I am going back through and remembering little moments, rationalizing, hoping, still trying to make sense. I find there have been days I don’t think about him as often. One morning at work I spent almost the whole morning NOT thinking about him. It shocked me once I realized that, that I almost wound myself up into a tizzy, perhaps…just to hold on and not forget. Holding on in order to not forget. That is what I am struggling with. I don’t want to forget. Why do I lose out? Now I question was it real? Did we really do the things we did? Out of all of the Rs I have had he has been the most compatible I have ever been with. And it is all gone. He even used to tell me how “we fit”. When I drive around town, I always look for him, even though I don’t know what I would even say or do. I am scared of the future. We really did a lot together, and were planning on doing more. Now he’s gone. Letting go sucks….. If I let go does it mean that everything that ever happened meant nothing to him. Will I get to the point that it means nothing to me? I don’t want that, at least not right now. I went to the gym today, ran 9 miles, getting used to not having MM around at the gym. He was the motivation to run long distances. THe most I have run was 16 miles with MM and he used to tell me "You keep me going". He used to go to the classes that I teach. I ran into a friend/neighbor of his. They are both on the same road riding team. Well his friend invited me to join when road riding starts up again in spring. I cringed, but kept a smile on my face. Graciously thanked MMs friend. MMs friend has seen us together at the gym and at one of our 100 mile riding events. We had to camp out, so friend knew we were camping out together as he invited us to his cookout and we were there together. Yesterday when I taught my spin class I just begged and wished upon the gods and goddesses that MM would walk on in, grab a bike and be happy to see me. Didn’t happen. So yep, I feel better, still fee l lost. Still mourning. Still miss MM. Still ask why did he decide to do this and why did he say all the things he did in the first place if he wasn’t going to follow through. Makes it hard to trust anybody’s word with that. There are moments of clarity though. Sometimes stronger than others. It has been a relief to not wonder and worry where the R was going. To not sit and wait around for him. No more crying after he left me when we did get together. No more hoping for more and no more hiding. I have noticed that my esteem is back, but not the happiness. Here is to another week…
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I'm sorry this is so hard...but you are making it through...the happiness will return once again...just take it one day at a time...letting go doesn't mean that everything that ever happened meant nothing...it just means that it is a memory and can be a good memory if you want it to be...letting go simply means that you are moving on... My thoughts are with you...GEL
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 keep strong. i just lurk here but i am same person that got a similar email to "hi" after 3 weeks. Today is 4 weeks for me too!! I completely understand what you are saying and I am praying that we'll continue to have strength and JOY. I have noticed so many blessings through the last 4 weeks, sometimes those make it bearable. Other days are really rough, but I actually made through several hours today without thinking about him!!! Staying busy is the best medicine, as well as being still and just getting the tears out. Sorry you are feeling pain, you are not alone! We are on our way back to our futures and we will make it and not get back on the roller coaster!
movinon05 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I really feel for you. Its such a tough road, but you sound like you are doing remarkably well. Although it might not feel like it at times. Its ok to question things said, things left, and the whys of it all. But in time, as you live your life, those answers will come to you. Somehow, it will start to make some sense, and you will have new experiences to help you put it all behind you. You're doing ok. One day at a time. My best to you.
addicted2love Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I'm right there with ya girl! I know misery loves company! It's been over a month for me too. My MM emailed me on friday with just one word "Hi" that's it. It actually made me feel better only because he acknowledged my existence for the first time in a month. I didn't respond to him though. I think the biggest problem for me was feeling like he was in control of the situation. As silly as it sounds I feel better knowing that he might be waiting for a response to his "hi". He's not going to get one. I too wondered if every thing that was said and done meant anything. I choose to believe that it did. I choose to believe that he's just confused and can't handle how he feels. I know my MM very well though and know he shuts down when he can't handle his emotions. Either way it gets me through the days and nights. These men are human...they might not be sitting around hurting for us like we are for them but you better believe that there are daily reminders of us and we do enter their thoughts frequently. I don't know anyone who can just turn off thier emotions like that. Men pretend to because they've got to be "strong". But inside they are vulnerable just like we are. So yes...everything that you two did together meant something to both of you. He will miss you and remember the good times. Hang in there and keep doing good things for yourself. Take that negative energy and focus it on you! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. A2L P.s. do you have yahoo messenger? I would love to chat w/ you seems like we have some things in common
Author kymberann Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 HI all, Thanks for the replies. Every day is different that's for sure. This has really put a lot about my life in perspective. It's weird, personally I struggle as I look at the whole situation from my view point, but when I talk with other people about their situations it all makes sense. I am able to be objective about their stuf! Guest, can you PM? A2L I don't have yahoo, but I have MSN messenger. Do you? And BTW I can'r believe MM did that to you, I think I posted on that current sitch of yours. Stay in control! Best!
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