scaredinlove Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 MM said in January he will decide if he is really leaving his wife or not.Don't ask why he has to wait untill January but that is what he said, he also said I have the power to make him leave but he is still hooked to the fence. So last night I told him I am giving up on us. He got pretty p*** because January is so close , I waited four years why not few more weeks. i am so afraid to hear the answer that I told him I am out. Is this crazy? He got jealous and asked who was the other man, there ins't anyone I just feel very anxious and I can't deal with either answer. Am I crazy or what? There is 50/50 that he will choose me but I freaked out. Now I feel liberated. What am I doing? Why give up when I am so close? I just feel liberated, I am not even suffering, maybe a little said but not like 4 months ago when the W found out and he dumped me,just to call me back later.It has being crazy we are togheter and than we break up. In the meanwhile I separated from my husband too. I guess I feel like I cannot deal with no deceptions anymore. I am telling myself,That is is move on, I don't even feel like contacting him. But there is this sturborn hope trying to come up and tell me I still can get him. man I feeel so drained that I don't want to hear it I just want to move on, heal! I just cannot take another deception... Does it makes sense, to give up when you are getting close?untill today I had zero chances, he would always say never, now he is saying it is possible he my leave, there is a chance and I walking way. Can anybody help me understand it?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I think that the best thing is for both of you to leave your M because you are not happy in them, not getting what you need from it, not giving what the other person (SO) needs...and not leave FOR someone else...you have to be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with someone else... Maybe you are not believing what he is saying and are ready to start fresh with YOUR life...you may still end up together, when you're both at a better place...or not...
norajane Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Maybe because after 4 years, he's still hooked to the fence, and you don't feel he's worth fighting for. Because what will you end up with even if he chooses you? A guy who needs you to use your "power" to get him unhooked. Weenie-man can't make a decision for himself, poor thing.
Author scaredinlove Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Maybe because after 4 years, he's still hooked to the fence, and you don't feel he's worth fighting for. Because what will you end up with even if he chooses you? A guy who needs you to use your "power" to get him unhooked. Weenie-man can't make a decision for himself, poor thing. I feel that too, I feel that he is kind of coward. i was unhappy ,I told my husband the truth ,took the consequenes and moved on 2 months ago. He is still unsure ,I think he is waiting to her to kick him out.He told her we are just frinds but she knows he is lying , he said we had a emotinal affair and he loves me but we never got phhysical
Author scaredinlove Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 I think that the best thing is for both of you to leave your M because you are not happy in them, not getting what you need from it, not giving what the other person (SO) needs...and not leave FOR someone else...you have to be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with someone else... Maybe you are not believing what he is saying and are ready to start fresh with YOUR life...you may still end up together, when you're both at a better place...or not... You have a good point, maybe if he really leave her one day we will be together or not.Right now I just feel like running as fast as I can, maybe I am having cold feet. I know their chances of being togheter are not good because she wants out and he is hooked to the fence. But I feel that I have to be as far away as possible when it happens, and I am scared of thinking that it might really happen. I was thinking that since I separeted couple of months ago I am really happpy, maybe the fear of having someone that I have to respond too again. On the other hand if they really separate he probably will want some space too.I feel like packing and moving away. Both choices seem painfull to me and if he chooses to leave it is painfull and scared. Could this be guilty? Could I be feeling so guilty thats why I want to run? Man this is a weird feeling. Does anyone out there felt like that?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 It's probably just the unknown that is causing so much anxiety...separating in and of itself is going to cause that...your life is in upheaval right now and you're having to rebuild...you can rebuild your life now however YOU want... It's probably good that you are as far away as possible when it happens so that he and his W are able to make the best decision for them, the way that you made the best decision for yourself... And there's nothing wrong with you not wanting to be with him anymore...You have a whole new world ahead of you and it's your choice who you want to share it with... GOOD LUCK...GEL
Author scaredinlove Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 It's probably just the unknown that is causing so much anxiety...separating in and of itself is going to cause that...your life is in upheaval right now and you're having to rebuild...you can rebuild your life now however YOU want... It's probably good that you are as far away as possible when it happens so that he and his W are able to make the best decision for them, the way that you made the best decision for yourself... And there's nothing wrong with you not wanting to be with him anymore...You have a whole new world ahead of you and it's your choice who you want to share it with... GOOD LUCK...GEL GEL You are genious, I feel that my life is a open road and I can go anyway I want. Made me thinking that I don't want to make anychoices I want to look around, check things out .It is great to be single after 14 yrs of a bad marriage.I probably feel that if he is free too, I won't have as many choices. Selfish? maybe. Believe me I love him still, my feelings toward him haven't change, but I just don't think he is the right choice right now. Maybe because he is linked to all this ppain ,lying and violence I lived in the last few yrs. I feel like I should start fresh. I also fear if another man will want me knowing I cheated my ex-H and than left him and than refused my lover when he was thinking of chosing me. Man, What have done to myself? I don't even trust myself with relationships anymore. I guess i just want to start fresh like you mention, I have a whole great world ahead of me....
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I have a whole great world ahead of me.... Yes you do!!! Don't waste it, LIVE IT!!!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 SIL, I feel for you. I think that it's wonderful that you took the power back. He is unlikely to leave his W, and instead of having to hear him say "never" , or worse yet, string you along yet again, you took the punch-line out of him! Now, no matter what, do not look back.
movinon05 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I can totally relate to you, SIL. I told my exH the truth and moved out and then waited and waited for yrs for exMM. All the while, I was building my own independence, having so much lovely time to myself that, at times, I thought, do I really want to have to start taking care of another man again? It was sometimes truly wonderful being free. The more that time went on (waiting), the less I was willing to completely give up my new life, let alone make any more sacrifices than I already had. Men are somewhat different. They either need to be taken care of immediately, or they suddenly experience the same feelings of being independent and wanting to scout out what's out there. Don't be in a rush. Your feelings are quite normal.
Author scaredinlove Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I can totally relate to you, SIL. I told my exH the truth and moved out and then waited and waited for yrs for exMM. All the while, I was building my own independence, having so much lovely time to myself that, at times, I thought, do I really want to have to start taking care of another man again? It was sometimes truly wonderful being free. The more that time went on (waiting), the less I was willing to completely give up my new life, let alone make any more sacrifices than I already had. Men are somewhat different. They either need to be taken care of immediately, or they suddenly experience the same feelings of being independent and wanting to scout out what's out there. Don't be in a rush. Your feelings are quite normal. After coming clean from the lies did you feel like you were being giving a second chance? i feel like I am 19 yrs old again and I am starting fresh. But better because i already have kids ,i was married, I have a job and can support myself.I feel I can go anywhere or no where but it is up to me to decide.When I was single and younger I had worries like :Will I marry?Will I find a job? How many kids will I have if any? Now I feel I paid my duties to society.I married ,had kids, got a job to pay my bill...Then I went astray for a while but now I have being redemeed by doing the right thing,ending my awfull marriage and telling the truth. Giving myself and my exH a chance to start fresh, although he dosen't see it like that yet, eventually he will. I feel like it is ME time. MM I love him dearly but he still living a lie, and I don't want to be part of it anymore. Maybe if he grew some balls and faced reality it would be different. But even than I don't fell like sharing my ME time anymore. I am on my late 30 but I don't think I will be married again.At least right now I just want to raise my kids and have some fun. Did you feel like that?Like you said i don't want to take care of man anymore, enough of that!
movinon05 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I was in my late 30s as well when this all happened. My exH is another story. We don't communicate as he never got over it but has gone on to his own life. As for me, I threw all my energy into the kids, being both a mother and a father. But the times they were with their father was ME time! And it was exhilarating. (Although there were TOO many lonely and frustrating times while waiting for MM.) I went through a hard time of it financially but what I have gained for myself is priceless. I'm a new independent woman who has succeeded on her own with most of the familial frustrations behind me. Two of my sons are grown and I have one more in 9th grade. All I see for myself now is doing what I love to do and that is what I have been doing, while giving my last son everything he needs to finish out his years in school. I have also brought this attitude with me while dating. So many men fell head over heels with this independent woman, but most wanted to settle into a marriage way to soon and would plan MY future with them. Well, I can tell you, that sent me running in the other direction. After being liberated, there was no way I was going to have someone else plan MY life for me! lol! I'm now with a man who loves me for everything I am, but respects my decision to see my children through, and treats me better than anyone ever has. He respects my private time and relishes the time we have together. Not enough is said (especially on this board), for all the benefits of ending a bad M AND a R with a MM, both of which can suck the life out of you. Enjoy what you're feeling. Trust me, it only gets better. At the same time, should you wish to continue the R with MM, ON YOUR TERMS, you will find out soon enough if its worth it. The more you experience personal freedom, the less you are going to want to settle.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 The more you experience personal freedom, the less you are going to want to settle. I loooove this, MO! You have grown so much - emotionally, that is! Remember how you were last year? Now, you speak with such wisdom and strength that I think is passing onto me!
movinon05 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I loooove this, MO! You have grown so much - emotionally, that is! Remember how you were last year? Now, you speak with such wisdom and strength that I think is passing onto me! LOL! Yes, remember me last year! I was only halfway there. Trying to move forward, still having exMM mess with my head, and still trying to keep my independence. What can I say? I'm living proof. And I would have been the last one to say that because I never thought I'd see this day! lol!! I guess what it takes it time. Time to live each experience, new experiences, deal with the day to day things that are thrown at you, the crap from the exH and exMM, and one day, you wake up, and you're a whole new person!! I can actually say I like myself a hell of a lot better than I did back then! Who wudda thunk? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author scaredinlove Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 LOL! Yes, remember me last year! I was only halfway there. Trying to move forward, still having exMM mess with my head, and still trying to keep my independence. What can I say? I'm living proof. And I would have been the last one to say that because I never thought I'd see this day! lol!! I guess what it takes it time. Time to live each experience, new experiences, deal with the day to day things that are thrown at you, the crap from the exH and exMM, and one day, you wake up, and you're a whole new person!! I can actually say I like myself a hell of a lot better than I did back then! Who wudda thunk? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MO I am so happy for you that you made it.I have three kids too between the oldest is only 12yrs.Since my husband left my relationship with my 12yrs is amazing we are becoming really friends she tells me everything and I know she is proud of me.My H was very abusive with all of us and they have blossomed in this time he is gone.He still try to manipulate them and say nast things about me, but last time my daughter told him to stop they don't whant hear no more. He is still trying to manipulate me but I decid to ignore, he sent me a caouple of nasty e-mail and I just pretend I never recieved and he stopped. I decided not to play his game. I love to hear that you feel the same feelings I have now and that it gets better. Someone said I am finding my voice. You are a real inspiration. As for MM he is not really a jerk just a chicken, but anyway I want to move on to a free life. Be as independent as you are now and find someone that will respect that. Thanks for the inspiration.
lovernotafighter Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 good for you SIL!! I wrote recently my exMM begged me to be his friend and he screwed up big time with me...after 6 weeks! technically 3 months though since we had physical contact and our relationship started to disintegrate. and though I am still a mess Ive come a long way and started to feel like the happy person I was before this mess I got my self into started... this time he really told me allot of BS, which months ago would have saved our relationship (of coarse cause I have blind love for him and trusted him) ..now..it's just to late, it's just a bunch of MM mumbo jumbo. he told me how I was not replaceable, in love with me, thinks about me non-stop, and will divorce when his son is 10..two years from now and even said he will not try to suck me back in to affair so we can 'save our future'. the time to preserve our future was 3 months ago before my heart was ripped to shreds. there is a true expression though I'm learning..we were in NC..and that's what got him to think..lay his heart on the table...go NC with this man see what happens.. for better or worse..either he will leave and come to you..or you will start to be able to move on from this heartache..if you stay in contact he is still getting some of you he doesn't deserve now. good luck, and stay strong.
Author scaredinlove Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 good for you SIL!! I wrote recently my exMM begged me to be his friend and he screwed up big time with me...after 6 weeks! technically 3 months though since we had physical contact and our relationship started to disintegrate. and though I am still a mess Ive come a long way and started to feel like the happy person I was before this mess I got my self into started... this time he really told me allot of BS, which months ago would have saved our relationship (of coarse cause I have blind love for him and trusted him) ..now..it's just to late, it's just a bunch of MM mumbo jumbo. he told me how I was not replaceable, in love with me, thinks about me non-stop, and will divorce when his son is 10..two years from now and even said he will not try to suck me back in to affair so we can 'save our future'. the time to preserve our future was 3 months ago before my heart was ripped to shreds. there is a true expression though I'm learning..we were in NC..and that's what got him to think..lay his heart on the table...go NC with this man see what happens.. for better or worse..either he will leave and come to you..or you will start to be able to move on from this heartache..if you stay in contact he is still getting some of you he doesn't deserve now. good luck, and stay strong. Lover that is what I think I am trying to do, he needs time to decide where to go and I need time to have some peace with myseelf. Today is special difficult because I am off and he is at work which means I will have all day to be tempted to call him. But the good thing is I don't want too. I miss him but I know if I talk to him I will hurt myself. talking to him lately is more painful than anything else. So I will concentrat in keeping myself busy all day hope 5 o'clock will come soon. I feel like a acohoolic giving up drink I will take one day at a time. Thanks for you support and good luck to you too.
bonehead Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 It's probably good that you are as far away as possible when it happens so that he and his W are able to make the best decision for them, the way that you made the best decision for yourself... I fully agree. While yes its nice to know there is going to be someone there when you do end it, it shouldnt BE the reason you end it. Yes the relationship with the OP quite often seems 100% better then the marriage ( when the A has lasted that long ) to the party leaveing the marriage. When my MW backed way off on our relationship ( that was the reason I found this place ) I was upset and really confused. But after she explained it it made total sense.
oyster Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 When my MW backed way off on our relationship ( that was the reason I found this place ) I was upset and really confused. But after she explained it it made total sense. so your MW backed off meaning you 2 stopped seeing each other, NC, etc? During that period, she tried to fix or end her marriagE?
bonehead Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 so your MW backed off meaning you 2 stopped seeing each other, NC, etc? During that period, she tried to fix or end her marriagE? total no contact, no. We really couldnt do total no contact because we do rely on each other for things with the kids quite a bit. But there was ZERO relationship talk. Contact did drop ALOT. No they didnt work on the marriage, she basicly took a stress break. There was some major things that had to be taken care of before she left and once she had that taken care of she just took a break from everything. She went through and inventoried EVERYTHING in the house, some major cleaning, and quite a few days of just sitting around doing nothing. lol
silentalways Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 am i the only one here that can read this entire thread and come away with no idea what the heck that was about? do most people know each other in here?
oyster Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 am i the only one here that can read this entire thread and come away with no idea what the heck that was about? do most people know each other in here? well I did a lot of reading of other threads, when it is not clear, I ask for clarification before I forget. I ask for it in the thread as it might be beneficial for others. I only know people from people's posting.
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