approach-rejection dance

[MagnoliaJane]

I was supposed to be on my way to the subway station now. Except my ex wrote me a few hours ago he won't be meeting me on the train, as supposed to. Because I told him this morning that last night I was shocked by his hostility. Not directed towards me, but towards a friend/colleague (who he was nice to in the face last night but as soon as the man had turned his back he called him an *******). To me it felt like he played his anger out on everybody around him, including me, in a non-verbal way (I could see his face was tense and he walked in a very stiff way). And it affected me deeply. I even thought of calling off our date, but then decided I would tell him on the phone instead this morning about my feelings last night and decided I wanted to go through with our date (because in spite of everything that has happened I care a lot for him).

 

He told me on the phone his reaction last night had nothing to do with me, that I shouldn't take it on me, and that now because of me making a comment about it he does not feel fine anymore. Tells me it reminds him of past times in which I criticized him. It hit me so hard. Finally I understand why he broke up with me twice (he only gave me the "I am not ready for a relationship" quote). Because I do not adore him every single second of the day. Because when I don't agree about something, I am honest about it and tell him. I am never mean or nasty though. When I say something, it is because the frustration has grown so much, that I can't ignore it anymore (like about his former drinking problem, or his desire to buy a whole apartment building when he is in so much debt). And I try to explain it as careful as I can, with a lot of hesitation and stumbling over my words. But now I understand he exclusively wants to hear good things about himself. I mean, what kind of a reality is that? He himself is allowed to be angry, call his friend an *******, tell his 73-year old mother that she must take the bus instead of the car when she comes to pick him up at the airport because of global warming issues (I answered him you can't force someone into your believes which he dismissed).

 

He broke up with me twice with no explanation but keeps coming back after a few months and I don't hold the breakups against him. Then he asks for a date on which I agree and next thing he writes me a few hours before that he will not be meeting me on the train because he doesn't feel fine after our phone call.

 

Still, I can't help feeling guilty about myself and my critical nature. Apparently I don't express my love well enough, or maybe not enough. I am not a "light" person. I take everything pretty seriously. Still, on the other hand, I stood by him in difficult times and have always been willing to talk things out, no matter how long it took. His reaction was always the same, to distance himself from me, or send me home to think about "my behavior" until he decided it was time to come back. After the last breakup I did not make any effort to talk to him for 3 months, and all of a sudden there was his email inviting me to the movies.

 

I feel like I am in chaos right now and the amount of selfdoubt is so deep that I would like to dig a hole and stay in there for the next couple of months. I really feel like a horrible person who is unable to make someone else happy. On the other hand there are these thoughts "don't be pathetic and get your act together". Everything seems to contradict. I am so confused. It begins with me telling him I don't agree with something, or don't like something, and him calling it off and holding a mirror in front of me about my flaws. And that's where the interaction ends. With me. And what I've done wrong.

 

So, where do I go from here? How to move forward with a more positive mind and as a better person? How to get over all those rejections that seem to cut more deep each time? I would really like to keep something positive from the end of this relationship, but each time this seems to be more impossible and it depresses me deeply.

[notmakingsense]

I think that you should move beyond the relationship with this man and spend the time it takes to analyze the situation. Try to figure out if it is really your criticality/seriousness that is the issue, or rather the type of people you are attracted to. You may simply be attracted to people who don't work well with your personality. In other words -- don't take this all out on yourself, think more about the types of people that you get along with best.

 

Sure, we all have parts of our personality to improve on, and I'm not saying you shouldn't do that also -- but that type of effort becomes nearly impossible when you surround yourself with people who are judgemental and not accepting of who you are.

[MagnoliaJane]

Notmakingsense,

 

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate input right now because my selfesteem is totally out of the window. I have tried to move on from this relationship, done everything except blocking him from my email. I even don't have a cell phone anymore so I am cut off from phone contact at my house. Still. He keeps breaking up with me and then coming back. The unbelievable thing is, he is a very deep person and I admire him in so many ways and hold him dearly. That's why it's crushing to understand now that whenever I say something he doesn't like he apparently does not see how much I care. It's not that I am nagging. Besides, we haven't really spoken the past two months since he broke up with me in August and I am so careful about giving him his space.

 

After the second breakup, I found some consolation in the fact that he isn't really capable of connecting with someone. He's a loner who works every day, even when he doesn't have to, and got only two friends and one of them he called an as*hole last night. But now that idea of not connecting has changed into he does not like who I am. And that's a horrible thought. Apparently he holds the blame on me for the failure of our relationship. Hence, my thinking, am I such a horrible person? One thing is clear, he is not getting from me what he needs, in spite of all my love for him, and my good intentions. So I agree he's better of without me.

 

But it's so quickly said, we didn't match well together, look for someone else instead. I did feel he appreciated me for the first year of our relationship. In fact he put me on a pedestal. And then one day, without me realizing, he had not only removed me from that pedestal, but also turned his back on me. The sad thing is, I was unaware of that until he broke up with me, then believed he didn't really mean it when he came back, then broke up with me again and now... now I hardly know who I am.

 

My problem is: I don't find the way to the lightswitch anymore. I'm in a dark, creepy place where I don't even feel accompanied by myself. Sure, I still function at work. Sure I try to keep busy. But I don't know if I can like myself anymore. That's pretty pathetic, I know. If only I knew where to go from here??????????

[notmakingsense]

Why are you measuring your self-worth based upon whether or not the relationship with this man is successful? This is a trap that many people (including myself) fall in to from time to time.

 

You are worthy of a great relationship, but you happened to fall in love with a man where this is not possible because of his inability to get along with your personality and appreciate fully who you are. 1 year is not really that long of a time. People learn more about eachother and issues that are easily buried start coming to the surface. This is all normal.

 

It is not pathetic to have low self-esteem, it is a common ailment. Don't just get busy, but get busy doing things that make you feel good. Get busy meeting lots of people and forming friendships. Become happy with yourself and what you contribute to your work, friends, family, and so on. Study and make note of the type of people whom you really click with. It will be soon enough when you will end up meeting more romantic interests.

[MagnoliaJane]

I guess I am so tangled up with him because he's the only person I've been really connecting with these past two years. He's pretty much been my whole world, even when he wasn't around. I mean by that that I've isolated myself, just moved back and forth between my work and my apartment every day. And yes, I know that's bad, but it seems to be all that I'm capable of right now. Besides, whenever he comes back I seem to be unable to say no to him. I couldn't even say I wanted him to leave my apartment that evening when he broke up with me the second time. So we just sat and sat there, for hours, together, silently, and I felt numb. It's not that I am usually a doormat. I consider myself a pretty strong, independent person, overall. I don't go crying at his doorstep. I keep my act together and keep my distance whenever he turns away. But when it comes to him, it keeps happening over and over that he approaches, then leaves, and I am standing there, doing nothing. I hate myself over this. It's not that I haven't experienced breakups before. But I have never reached this base level in 37 years. So paralyzed...

[notmakingsense]

You already know how bad it is to make someone your whole life. You need to learn how to set boundaries and build up your self esteem. End your paralysis and get out of the apartment. I'm not a big fan of therapy, but it helps some people. I'd just focus on widening your social network and realizing that you have a lot to offer to all kinds of people.

 

No matter what, please don't let him back in your life. You've been down that road already... now you deserve better. It will be hard for you to realize this until you start living a balanced life again, so focus on that.

[MagnoliaJane]

You make a lot of sense. I know you're right. I have a boundary problem. I'll try working on that. I did the therapy already though, but after the second breakup literally wasn't able to open my mouth to my therapist. So imagine silent therapy sessions for weeks on? I just couldn't bear it anymore and stopped...

 

I want to say 'no' next time he tries to come back. He suggested on the phone we maybe could re-try the date next week. So him. To punish me like a little child (or so it feels) and then 'give me another chance'.

 

Saying no to him will feel like cutting my own hands and feet, but I can't cope with his rejections anymore.

[notmakingsense]

He has all the power now... that isn't good. Scary to be sure, but just try it on for size. If you can do that, and stick with it, you should feel proud of yourself. It will be a step in the right direction. Now, go work on making friends. Join a gym -- endorphins and looking good are real esteem boosters. You will also meet people. I can't stress the importance of building up your network of friends. This is crucial.

[miss snoopy]

MagnoliaJane - there's a book called "he's scared, she's scared..." I've been reading it all weekend and it has given me great insight into my ex and how things went horribly wrong...and I know my relationship has many similarities to yours. If you can, buy it, you can dip in and out of it but I promise you it'll help you immensely.

[MagnoliaJane]

I guess I have to stop thinking of him as my friend. My only friend here.

 

It's not too hard to stop thinking about the relationship part. But I think very highly of my friendships. I do not make friends easily, and the ones I have are longterm and scattered all over the globe because they like to travel. I myself moved to the US from my home country 2 years ago, then met the ex-bf 3 days later, and he made it sure he filled up the entire space in my head. I have to admit that I was more than eager to give him that space.

 

So. Two loners who bonded. How 'bout that? I couldn't have felt more connected to anyone else. And more abandoned now.

 

I guess the real problem is I don't do anything else besides investing nearly all my time and energy in being a scientist. It has been like that since I'm 18. I never really liked going out, drinking, and all that small talk about clothes, boys and nothing in particular. My colleague at work who never stops trying to get me out of my cave is a sex-and-the-city type. In the morning she checks my clothes first. Sure she's a good person and always babbling and supersocial but I get sick of hearing her talk about nothing all day.

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Miss Snoopy,

 

I've read a book about commitment phobia, browsed websites and forums, and understand it a bit better now. But still... It doesn't explain why a smart, adult man does not want his friend to speak her mind. One day he complains nobody cares for him, and that he's lonely, but at the same time you're not allowed to touch upon the subject yourself. Yesterday, how he trashed his lifelong friend calling him an as*hole was so shocking to me. If this friend is an as*hole then I'm sure I am a b**ch in his mind. But then, saying that I was shocked by his harshness makes him decide I am criticizing him again (although he also acknowledged later that he knows I care for him) and thus he punishes me (but am sure he doesn't see it like this. It seems he just has no clue how his behavior affects me and instead turns the mirror on me and blames me that my behavior affects him).

 

HE asked me out again and two days later HE breaks it off. I have looked at it from every angle. Sure he's scared. Sure he doesn't trust people. Sure he had a tough childhood with abandonment issues and neither a father nor a mother who were emotionally available. These are perfect explanations. But he makes it his justification for lashing out and hurting. And the worst thing is, you can't say this or say you're hurt, because then you're criticizing him. He's really starting to get me nuts. I'm hitting rock bottom.

 

Still, I for sure won't be hurting the way I am today for months. That's when he's back again. And since we never really have an argument (he just withdraws whenever he doesn't like something) there is never a clean cut. And while I can react in the heat of the moment, I can't bare to stay angry for longer than 10 minutes. I am just unable. So after a few months I am unprepared again to face the approaching phase.

[notmakingsense]

Too much analysis going on here... I guess that's the scientist in you, huh?

 

You do need to widen your social circle. There are lots of people who are not 'socialites', and perhaps are even introverted, with whom you can make friends. You can't go on having any individual fill up most of your human-bonding life -- even when you are in a relationship again. People need to have outside interests and friends, otherwise things get out of balance and healthy people will feel smothered.

 

Lets stop focusing on him now. Lets focus on how you can better function in a world where "hims" may come and go until the right one surfaces.

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS, I know my mother's native language is not English, otherwise I would suspect it's her talking

 

Touche, you have a good point. Widening my circle of friends. My Achilles spot. I'll confess something. I'm not proud of it. My sex-and-the-City friend has asked me to celebrate X-mas with her family. I won't be going home to my parents this year because I feel so tired after all the traveling I did (I spent 4 months this year in the Dominican Republic for social science related fieldwork and 1 month in the Bolivian jungle with indigenous tribes). However, I was already looking for a good excuse to bail out from this invitation. That's not nice of me. I know...

 

I'd like to learn to dance tango but going to a place on my own seems like an impossibly frightening task, not to mention I'd probably have to meet up with the local geek and dance with him, if there is one. That is not very nice of me either, and I'm ashamed to admit all these flaws, but I'm trying to be honest...

 

Besides I just got a visit from a former neighbor from my home country. She stayed 10 days at my place and around the 7th day confessed her undying love for me. She was really unhappy I didn't reciprocate but it really left me shocked because I wasn't ready for anyone trying to break my walls. I usually have them up high enough. I'm also not a lesbian. I actually was relieved to be on my own again... First of all, I'm really used to be on my own, and secondly, I felt she was smothering me.

 

Hence so far my social interactions. Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case.

[notmakingsense]

I think you should go to X-Mas with you SITC friend. Practice being gracious, charming, and sociable even if you'd really just rather be at home. You may just end up being pleasantly surprised. Same goes for going out with her. You don't have to do it all the time, just broaden your horizons a little.

 

The Tango dancing is an awesome idea. Even if you end up with the geek. The geek may end up being a really good friend of yours. Remember, you aren't out looking for a new romance, you are simply widening your circle of friends and activities.

 

I like the direction that this conversation is taking. Its all about you now. He should be fading into a distant memory.

 

You are in to science... start experimenting with yourself!

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS... you're right but... I already did the part of going out with my SITC friend. Wasn't too bad, but after three times I now exactly know how the next session will be. Lots of blabla, everybody always saying how great everything is, and tequila. I'd rather sit down talking with a friend over a good meal with a glass of wine. Can't put that in an ad, right? Besides, that kind of friendship is not a bargain. But true, I like to dance, so yes, I could go out with SITC again sometime. Thanks for encouraging me.

 

It still doesn't take away the void in my heart though. That is always there, no matter where I go or what I do. Only working really really hard and feeling useful makes it go away sometimes. Some say Europeans are depressed by nature

[notmakingsense]

You'll get there -- we've all experienced the void feeling. Ok, so hanging with the SITC woman may not expose you to potential true friends. But true friends will fill the void, so think creatively about where and what you can do to increase that. If you are away from your home-land, then you'll need to work extra hard because family isn't all around to encourage you in the mean-time.

 

You are smart. You will think of something. Even if you are predisposed to being depressed.

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS, you made so much sense with your posts and I want to thank you from the really really deep depths of my hearts for creatively pulling me through this dark phase today. Being smart does not necessarily include emotional self-intelligence, does it? Or should I say self-assurance? It's true that by coming to NYC I have experienced a sort of loss of sense of background/roots. I'm uprooted. An uprooted European countrysider who came to live in the big city. And met the man of her dreams 3 days later. He exclamed poetically I was all he had been waiting for 43 y long.

 

OK, won't be going back along that road again. I think I will be able to write a critical review of a science book now (should have done that last week) (smile). And then go to bed. And sleep. Instead of nerve-racking and pacing up and down my room like a caged tiger. My brain neuromotorcircuits are calming down...

 

I realize I have to do some cutting of hands and feet soon though. Or before I know I'll be caught again like a little mouse in a trap while looking for the cheese aka Love.

[notmakingsense]

It has been my pleasure. Helping you is helping me help myself, because I have and will again wrestle with similar issues.

 

Get through that book-review and have a very peaceful night's rest. Know that there are many people out there that would love to have you as a friend, and that you are not alone in your plight.

 

And about your upcoming challenge? Focus on the inner pride that will ensue if you are successful!

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS, funny thing is, I have always been such a proud woman and no man before has ever taken that away from me. I'm not ugly either, so I never faced lack of attention. It's just that I don't feel like that proud, sexy woman anymore. For one, after the first break-up my hair started falling out. Just like that. I had long, curly hair, and I've always been very happy about my hair. Imagine the horror of it falling out. I also barely ate and lost about 20 pounds, in addition to already being slim. So, yeah, my hair has been starting to grow back a bit now, but way too slowly and I'm still struggling with gaining weight. I know all of that has to do with me being too stressed, too perfectionist, too unable to cope with all of this, and too naive probably to, so I shouldn't blame anyone else. It's clear they're all the symptoms of a deficit, or my inability (in my mind) to live up to his expectations.

[notmakingsense]

Don't lose focus MJ, you are starting to focus attention on you vs. his expectations. Wrong... cut that out. You will get to that point of feeling good about yourself again. I promise. Quit letting your mind drag you back into measuring yourself in the eyes of some man whom you are placing far too much credence.

[MagnoliaJane]

right again. Definitely the wrong thing to do before going to bed. I'm afraid you will have to remind me about that several times again because it seems to be a bad habit. OK, I will try to focus 50 min on my critical review again (smile) and be all science no emotions for tonight. And tomorrow is a new day. The beginning of the rest of my life.

[spring123]

MagnoliaJane,

 

I know exactly how you feel and what you went through. Although my case is a little different, but I was with someone whom I had a very special relationship and deep bond with, and he kept breaking up with me (because he's "doesn't want a relationship") and coming back to me again and again and again and again. Every time I thought I would never speak with him again and thought he'd never call me again, he ALWAYS comes back. This has made impossible for me to forget him. Problem is, I, this strong, smart and social person, was just not capable to say "No" to him every time he contacted me.

 

I tried, I ignored his contact for days, at the end I always ended up talking to him again. I have dated (btw I also live in NYC) but have never connected with someone so deeply on so many levels as I had with him. It was apparent this went both ways and he told me that (before i said so). The connection between us was so powerful that both of us was not able to let it go. If first time he was confused and I was patient, I just could not understand why I am still here after all these. And I'm simply incapable of letting go of him. In a way I probably did not want let go of something so special. I'm very attractive and intelligent and never lack mail followers, but I simply I am hopeless when it comes to him (he was pathetic himself too!)

 

So now I'm at this weird place. Apparently this is over, but who knows. But in a way now I know how it feels to connect so intensely with someone in every way, I refuse to settle for anything less. But the possibility of that happening again seems to slim to me, that I am scared.

[notmakingsense]

Spring, MJ,

 

Isn't this another variation of "what we can't have we want even more"?

 

That's how I look at it anyway. For all of our good looks, smarts, worldly-ways, and so on -- it is that person that keeps rejecting us that drives us crazy.

 

The lesson that we (yes, me too) need to learn is that the sooner we cut ourselves off of the toxic-dance, the sooner we can look past it all.

 

I know, much easier said than done. It took 3 years of that dance for me!! I'm not fully healed, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Spring and NMS,

 

I've been thinking these past two days: what if these thoughts of that "special person, special connection" only exist in MY head, as an image from him that I want to hold on to?

 

NMS says to you, Spring, "isn't that true for all of us?" I think he's right. We all believe we've found our "special one" but sometimes that isn't true for the SO (even if they express so, but STILL walk away). Again and again I come to the conclusion that this toxic approach-avoidance dance is all about power. Master and slave.

 

The world might seem so much brighter and exciting with him by my side when he decides things are fine (we climb mountains, go camping, go caching crabs in Assateague), but it sure is hell whenever he bails out. And more importantly, the relationship with him is NOT REAL, it's not a real, down-to-earth, respectful, two-way relationship. I am merely the object of his temporary attention.

 

I am once again picking up the pieces of myself and realize now I hold the power to change my destiny. The real conflict to fight lies within me. It's about saying no. No thanks. Not anymore. Never again. And at the same time facing my very strong, powerful, abandonment fears.

 

Spring, how do you think you want to deal with it next time he comes back?

 

I can see that there's a void that needs to be filled with meaningful others. But you just don't go shopping for friends, so building up a community of friends takes time. I guess there will still be a lot of hard, lonely, lonely times ahead, and that's hard to deal with after a hard day of intellectual work and coming home... Still, I know many of us are fighting the same battle and that's a lot of consolation.

 

NMS, tell us a bit about your story and how you are coping.

 

Magnolia

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS,

 

I just read your post in another thread about the holiday season approaching. I'd honestly rather prefer the following scenario than spend X-mas with my Sex-and-the-City friend and her family: buy a good bottle of Merlot, make or get some great food, and watch a good movie (something like The Secret Gardener, or Quills). That would (for now) be the next best thing for me after spending the time with loved ones. It really sucks to be alone, BUT there's nothing worse than feeling alone with someone else present...

 

I'll also listen to the following song: "let us make a brand new start. Separate and STAY APART!"

 

Ha!