mav100 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Well, the anger I felt earlier this week, as predicted, has subsided.... I ended up apologizing to her via email on Wednesday for our argument and my subsequent nasty message calling her a whore on her voicemail on Tuesday, and asked her to call so we could sort things out that still need to be taken care of. My email: "Can you call me on my cell on your lunch break? We need to talk. My voice is still a little off but better that yesterday. I’m sorry about the message last night. I was angry, and it was uncalled for. We are done – we both know that. You have Brian, I’m kinda seeing Julie but nothings official on that front yet. Regardless, with all the finger-pointing, there isn’t any going back now. So I’d like to take a few minutes to sort things out, part amicably, and maybe sometime in the future we can be friends. No more finger pointing, no more he-said she-said, no more trying to hurt the other side. Let’s end the war. Agreed?" Her response was textbook: "there is no reason for talking, nothing to sort .....its understood by both we are done..... sorry doesnt cut it on the nasty message you left me on my cell .... figured I'd keep that recorded if needed at a later time .....;no "friend" does that to another..angry or not" She did not respond right away, so I sent her this: "OK, since you haven’t bothered to respond, I take it you have no intention of calling. That’s your choice. If you change your mind, I’d appreciate the call. Until I do hear from you, the issues that are left will have to go unresolved. As far as my message last night, I know you didn’t “cheat” on me. I thought about it last night after the call. I lived with you, so there was no time for you to sleep with Brian up until I left to come to my mothers. However, with the suspicion there, obviously I have to wonder what would have gone on had I just stayed at my mothers the entire week and kept my head buried in the sand. I’ll never know. I’d like to believe you that it was all innocent however given the circumstances, I’m sure you can see from my point of view it’s a tough pill to swallow. The message I left was night was left because I was so angry yesterday, and that’s what I’ve been talking about. We BOTH are guilty of getting angry and saying some pretty nasty stuff to the other person lately. That stops right now. It’s not like I don’t know that this has been hard on you too. You don’t just walk away from what we had and feel good about it, especially given the circumstances. I heard the frustration in your voice when we talked about what was going on and you flip-flopped back and forth on what you wanted. I saw you had printed some of the emails I sent you about my feelings when I was moving my stuff out. People don’t do that unless what was written touched them in some way. So yes, I know you had to make a choice. You chose Brian. It may have been the best choice considering everything that has happened. I figured we could try to shed some of the hatred and walk away knowing that while we screwed things up during our relationship, at least we could do the right thing when it ended. It’s clear at this point we weren’t working. I thought about leaving you, but I didn’t. Contrary to what you believe, I stayed because I wanted to be with you. That’s the same reason why when I first met Julie when I was out with Eric and she hit on me, I politely declined – I thought I was happy with you. In retrospect, it may have been the proper time to move on. Though they aren’t ever going to go anywhere, admittedly there are still going to be feelings on both sides, both good and bad. We had a lot of good times, and a lot of bad times. Both of them will stick with us for a while. Sooner or later the bad ones will fade, and we’ll remember the good ones. At that point, a friendship wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Unfortunately right now we are both so angry with each other that’s all we see. It’s going to take a long time for that to fade for both of us. Good luck to you with Brian. I really mean that. I hope you get what you are looking for out of life. Take good care of yourself Bubba." She wrote back again with another brief response: "I'm not ok to speak with you over the phone yet .... don't really wanna converse with you after last nights message .... you talk about me being cold ...." To which I followed up with this: "I understand. Hell, I sent you an email yesterday telling you I was angry and I'd call you when I had cooled off. It was pretty moronic of me to pick up the phone last night knowing how mad I was, but then again, I am on a dart team called the "Chicken ****ers", so we know I must be pretty dumb. I didn't mean to be cold. It just kind of came out, and I am truly sorry. I believe what you said Janay, and while having Brian over wasn't the brightest of ideas, I should have used my head before jumping to conclusions. I've always used my heart when thinking about you, and seeing him in the car with you that night broke it, so I haven't been thinking right since. You have to keep in mind though that sometimes some of the things you've said or done to me have been pretty cold in my eyes too. You may not always view them that way, but I do have my own point of view, and its not always the same as yours. However, hindsight is 20/20. Let's just let some of the nasty feelings cool down for a while before we speak again. The next time I talk to you, I don't want to be in a pissing contest. I kinda miss laughing with you over things. You always had a funny outlook on stuff. I really mean what I said. Someday, when ALL of the anger is gone on both sides, and any residual feelings of love we have for each other are down to a dull roar, I'd like to become friends. You were my best friend for a long time, and that's what I miss the most. Cool down, I'll cool down, and lets part ways without wanting to kill each other. Call me when you are ready to talk, OK? If I don't talk to you beforehand, have a good Christmas, and I hope you have a great time in SC. Make sure to hug the dogs for me too. I miss those little furballs." That ends the chain. We have not spoken since. What is my problem? One minute I'm mad because she cheated, and the next I'm telling her she didn't cheat. While she may not have slept with him, just contacting the guy, at least to me, pretty much shows intent. She may not have decided what she wanted until I caught her and forced her to make a choice, but she was still in the wrong. Why is it that I have such a hard time seeing that *I* was wronged here? Why does my effen heart still want her, when my head knows she screwed up and I'd have a hard time trusting her ever again? If she ever *does* make the "I screwed up" phone call to me, I know I couldn't just take her back, and I'd have to think about it. So why can't I get her out of my head???
Author mav100 Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 WOW! 10 hours and not even one reply? Doesn't anyone have .02 cents to throw in on this?
inde4544 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I was in a situation similar to yours and I think your best bet would be to walk away. I know it will be hard but at this point there is nothing you can do but put time in b/w what happened and work on improving yourself. My ex cheated on me and we tried to work on things and eventually she broke up w/ me. I went thru the anger and called her wh*re and told her she was a peice of you know what. I felt terrible afterward and decided I could not speak to her so I cut all contact. 2 weeks later she started e-mailing me begging to be friends. She has a new guy now also and what can I do but find someone new. We actually ended up hooking up one night. I decided to cut contact again because I found it to hard to be placed on the back burner while she is with this other guy. I wished her luck and told her to contact me if she wants to work things out. This way I can work on myself and not have that hope of reconciliation ya know. But anyways I hope the story helps as it is similar. You said your apologies and what else can you do. I would go no contact and just keep yourself busy. Lifting weights is always good to let off some steam, music, hang out with your boys. go crazy do whatever it takes not to talk to her. If she really loved you she will call. Hope this is helpful man. Good luck.
inde4544 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 oh yeah and it is emotional attachment that messes with your head man. I know I dont even really like my ex that much as a person but its the emotional attachment and thinking about good times and what you thought would happen. It is also pride as well. Give yourself a good solid month of no contact and really work on improving yourself and having a good time and youll be thinking differently. You may not even want her at that point or at least you'll be in a better position to take her back if things were to workout. Be strong dude.
D-Lish Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Well, the emotional roller coaster is a normal response. Fluctuating back and forth between pain and anger, indifference and desperation. It's all part of the process. I'm livid one moment, and sad and remorseful the next. I go through periods of intense self blame, then I blame him, then I cry... it's all messed up. My ex made me feel like s**t with the things he said when he dumped me, and I ended up apologising to him and taking responsibility for everything, even though a lot of it was his fault. I regret not being able to stand up for myself now. Now I'm just tired of being in pain and all I want to do is get over it, but I struggle with that still everyday, even after 3 months. So, everything you're feeling is normal. It's hard to know and love somebody in one light, and then see them acting in a completely different way. It's like the person you once loved isn't even real anymore.
Author mav100 Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Yeah, thats pretty much how I feel D... It's like Janay no longer exists. The person I knew and loved had just been erased from existance. I was just sitting here getting ready for bed, and of course, Believe by Brooks & Dunn came on, and I cried my eyeballs out and had to log on. I guess when we went to the concert and she cried when they played it I saw her at one of her weakest moments - crying about her mom. Hearing the song just reminded me again of how much I cared - I felt so damn helpless when she broke down and cried, she was so weak and vulnerable... I had no clue how to make her feel better. Why the f**k she would want to go back to her ex, who ABANDONED her when her mother got really sick, when she really needed him and didn't even show up at the wake or funeral I'll never get. I know damn well that asshat doesn't feel even an ounce of what I feel for her. Off to bed, and yet another day without her tomorrow.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 For someone who is cheating, it's very difficult for them to admit it. The reason why is that they will then be forced to review themselves as the person they are. Your angry/not angry responses aren't unusual. Part of you still loves her and wants her back and the other part hates her with the same passion for putting you through the pain. As another member so succinctly put it, you don't have to be friends after the breakup. If after an extended length of time you're completely over it, you can try being friends then. Keep in mind that right now, you matter and she doesn't. Help yourself.
Author mav100 Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I realize its much easier for her to pin everything on me and tell herself I'm the ******* here. Unfortunately through my actions since I caught her, I've given her the ammunition to do so. Am I correct in assuming that even when cheaters find a way to pin the blame on the other person, that deep down they know they are the ones who did wrong? Being that I am a person who has never cheated on someone, I have no personal experience on this. I dunno, I keep flip flopping back and forth on what I want. One minute I hate her. The next I miss her like crazy. I can't believe that this is so damn hard. She cheated on me. Why can't I just snap out of it and be done with this and just move forward?
Rooster_DAR Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 I realize its much easier for her to pin everything on me and tell herself I'm the ******* here. Unfortunately through my actions since I caught her, I've given her the ammunition to do so. Am I correct in assuming that even when cheaters find a way to pin the blame on the other person, that deep down they know they are the ones who did wrong? Being that I am a person who has never cheated on someone, I have no personal experience on this. I dunno, I keep flip flopping back and forth on what I want. One minute I hate her. The next I miss her like crazy. I can't believe that this is so damn hard. She cheated on me. Why can't I just snap out of it and be done with this and just move forward? I am in the same boat as you my friend, it's almost like your living a very long nightmare, and soon you will wake up and things will be normal again. My EX is seeing a guy which I know started as an affair, and I watched the same kind of behaviour consume her, and tear me apart. Some days I really don't want to be here on the earth anymore, other days I can't believe I let someone do this to me. It's a constant emotional battle inside your head, and sometimes the thoughts are too intrusive. I feel like a bipolar schizophrenic on meth after drinking 10 cups of coffee, my emotions change from one state to another in a matter of seconds. The questions, rationalization, confusion, are too overwhelming at times, and jesus the damn nightmare are pissing me off. Take time, but we will all live through this and someday look back and say WTF was I doing? Cheers!
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 I realize its much easier for her to pin everything on me and tell herself I'm the ******* here. Unfortunately through my actions since I caught her, I've given her the ammunition to do so. Am I correct in assuming that even when cheaters find a way to pin the blame on the other person, that deep down they know they are the ones who did wrong? Being that I am a person who has never cheated on someone, I have no personal experience on this. I dunno, I keep flip flopping back and forth on what I want. One minute I hate her. The next I miss her like crazy. I can't believe that this is so damn hard. She cheated on me. Why can't I just snap out of it and be done with this and just move forward? People are naturally inclined to do what they need to do to protect their own ego. So, yeah, it stands to reason that when someone does something crappy- like cheat, they justify it in their own minds so they don't have to deal with the guilt. I know my ex had to make me out to be a horrible person so he could feel justified breaking up with me and treating me like I don't exist. I, like you, fluctuate back in forth between anger and longing. It's all a part of the process of breaking up I guess. Just because she cheated, doesn't mean you're going to automatically stop feeling love for her, even though you want to. It's been over four months for me, with no contact. I've tried to reach out a couple times, but I've realized he just doesn't care about me, and that is why he doesn't answer me ever. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me.
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 we did the right thing we got it all out last night i realize i got too excited - i really miss ya and thinking about seeing and talking is pretty well special its like a second chance at a 1st date i've dancing on clouds whatever medication u take for that ability to stop the flood, bring with u as for last night that's i was giggling - because it was old school i can't help get excited about u i guess i never thought...i was gonna show how happy i//// ok...quiet mmmmcddddddddd back to being patient for the record, tulips and i stopped dating in october and i believe we stopped last march [the phone] - i saw u at school and wanted to go over and say hi - but u looked really busy i believe we agreed to not talk about past stuff - we are really following NC with that - lol ok.,..did someone post any advice on 2nd 1st dates? takes out note book
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 this is my take on things the past is the past move on
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 i will admit this at no time did i ever think she had cheated on me [i am speaking about when i was sane] did u hear about the one time during that night i spoke about
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 ok..,.i am obviously too excited at the opportunity to see u again and having difficulties keeping myself from getting too excited so, i'll log off for a couple of days i'll go hit the gym for a bit now btw, as for what i see as future etc. u know that FT ok - gooooooooo man before post agaimn
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