ratingsguy Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 My MW and her H planned to go out to dinner and to the theatre on Friday night. I talked to my MW last night and she said the whole evening was horrible. In particular, thoughout the entire evening only about 10 words were exchanged between the two of them. Also, she said that the entire night he made it a point to stay 10 steps ahead of them when they were walking together. She did everything she could to prevent herself from crying. What I'm wondering is, how can someone be that cold? I'm thinking that either he knows the relationship is over and doesn't care, knows she's cheating, and/or is cheating himself (although that's unlikely since he's a big homebody). Thoughts?
peacelove Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Is she planning on leaving the marriage? It doesn't sound like they have much of one. Why put herself thru that?
Author ratingsguy Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Is she planning on leaving the marriage? It doesn't sound like they have much of one. Why put herself thru that? That's what she says, but we all know how much that means around here. But she does talk about separation a lot, especially in recent months. The kids are her only hesitation (16 and 18). I'm going to have a heart to heart with her about this after the holidays.
oyster Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 My MW and her H planned to go out to dinner and to the theatre on Friday night. I talked to my MW last night and she said the whole evening was horrible. In particular, thoughout the entire evening only about 10 words were exchanged between the two of them. Also, she said that the entire night he made it a point to stay 10 steps ahead of them when they were walking together. She did everything she could to prevent herself from crying. What I'm wondering is, how can someone be that cold? I'm thinking that either he knows the relationship is over and doesn't care, knows she's cheating, and/or is cheating himself (although that's unlikely since he's a big homebody). Thoughts? this sounds familiar, my MW went for dinner with her hubby, he was walking ahead, no holding hands, she cried at the table, miserable in the car. This all assumes that what our MW says is true. In my case, the hubby knows she has a lover, me. They did talk about seperation, divorce, etc but guess what guilt made her give him a 2nd chance to work it out. big homebody means nothing in regards with cheating, he can be cheating at work during business hours.
peacelove Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I think a talk is in order here. I'm with my bf now for 6 1/2 yrs. We've been living together for 5. He's still married. His wife is seeing someone but neither have filed for divorce. ??? So I'm still here waiting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Why did they go out on a date in the first place?
oyster Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I think a talk is in order here. I'm with my bf now for 6 1/2 yrs. We've been living together for 5. He's still married. His wife is seeing someone but neither have filed for divorce. ??? So I'm still here waiting. wow, what if you get pregnant? what if she gets pregnant. I was reading a thread about state laws, could become messy.
lasan Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 wow, what if you get pregnant? what if she gets pregnant. I was reading a thread about state laws, could become messy. Yes it can. My spouse had a wife before he married me. THey had been separated. She got pregnant by another man while they were seperated. My spouse had to take a DNA test and sign something called an acknowlegment of non-paternity. Not too much trouble, but still a hassle. conversely, when my spouse died I was 8 months pregnnant. His ex-wife threw fits and insisted to social security that I should have to take a DNA test to prove my child was his, because she didn't want some "bastard" child getting social security money that should be going only to her children. What a hoot!
Author ratingsguy Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Why did they go out on a date in the first place? You know, that's a very good question. I'm going to have to ask her the next time we talk.
desperate4change Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 PL, I'm considering that. of course, without MM, wouldn't be an issue immediately would it? Coming up on my 40th, wow... how time flies.
stillhere Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I don't think that she thought of it as a "date". Something to try to keep the normalcy of the relationship. I wouldn't worry about it being that. It does sound like her H is trying to hurt her and assert some authority. But if he wanted to stay with her, that's not the way to win her love and affection back.
desperate4change Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Why did they go out on a date in the first place? Married people, regardless of happiness levels, go out together from time to time, just to 'show the world we're together' I suppose. Or maybe social pressure when going to a party, dinner or event. Who wants to go stag when you're married?
oyster Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I don't think that she thought of it as a "date". Something to try to keep the normalcy of the relationship. I wouldn't worry about it being that. It does sound like her H is trying to hurt her and assert some authority. But if he wanted to stay with her, that's not the way to win her love and affection back. not a date, just he probably made her feel guilty of not spending some married time with him. Selfish bastard. ya to keep "normalcy of the relationship". Both are in denial and playing poker face, make believe everything is normal. H is trying to hurt her and assert authority and inflict guilt so she won't have energy nor guts to leave him
Author ratingsguy Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 not a date, just he probably made her feel guilty of not spending some married time with him. I don't think that's it. I get the impression that he just doesn't give a damn anymore. H is trying to hurt her and assert authority and inflict guilt so she won't have energy nor guts to leave him Well if that's the case, it's not having the desired effect. In fact, it's having a reverse effect... and probably would to any self-respecting woman.
stillhere Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Well if that's the case, it's not having the desired effect. In fact, it's having a reverse effect... and probably would to any self-respecting woman. So true, i know i would be running for the hills if any man treated me like that!!! Especially if i had a young honey on the side!!!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 RG: It does sound like the M is over...my immediate question is really, why would she stay if it is that bad? Her kids are old enough that a D, while is painful for all involved, could it really be that much worse than staying? Her kids have to see how she is being treated... I know that it is hard to go through a D, I've been there...have you thought about what you want out of the R?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 On the why where they out on a date issue. I wouldn't be bothered by that at all. Its so much easier and more comfortable to be out and entertained than to be sitting in together. When our life went to hell and back we were going out every night. I'm sure if either of us had our way we would have been out seperately but since we were married we had to be out together. Its the sitting at home that is so very, very, difficult and uncomfortable. My H ALWAYS walks in front of me. It always brings either tears to my eyes or makes me very angry. He will say that it is because I walk too slow, but its funny how my friends all complain that I walk too fast! I have watched and he never walks infront of other people. I think it is a subconscious way of saying, "I'm not with you, really".
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 What I'm wondering is, how can someone be that cold? I'm thinking that either he knows the relationship is over and doesn't care, knows she's cheating, and/or is cheating himself (although that's unlikely since he's a big homebody). Thoughts? On the whole, married people who are cheating don't treat their spouses very well. I think sometimes from their own perspective, they probably think they do, but more often than not... they aren't getting the job done. They aren't bringing the appropriate energy to it, and the same resentments that allowed them to seek outside the relationship are still in place. This is probably what leads to intuition or gut feelings on the part of the betrayed spouse. My husband treated me like total crap during the period in which his attention was outside the marriage. He wasn't aware of it. It all made perfect sense to him at the time, because he had rationalized it out just so. But you might imagine what my response to that was. I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in his august presence. In fact, I avoided him whenever possible. Even though I didn't know exactly 'why', I surely DID know that he was acting like an ASS, and I wasn't above returning the favor.
oyster Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 So true, i know i would be running for the hills if any man treated me like that!!! Especially if i had a young honey on the side!!! hurry hurry, PM your phone number or msn id, you need to talk some sense and lay the smack down on my MW. j/k
stillhere Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 hurry hurry, PM your phone number or msn id, you need to talk some sense and lay the smack down on my MW. j/k HaHa!! Do you think she would listen to me?? I'll do it for you if you call my MM and do the same!!
Author ratingsguy Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 HaHa!! Do you think she would listen to me?? I'll do it for you if you call my MM and do the same!! Hey, I'll take you up on that deal, too!
stillhere Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Hey, I'll take you up on that deal, too! Wouldn't it be nice if it really worked that way? I would so have you do it in a heartbeat!!
pureinheart Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 In particular, thoughout the entire evening only about 10 words were exchanged between the two of them. Also, she said that the entire night he made it a point to stay 10 steps ahead of them when they were walking together. She did everything she could to prevent herself from crying. What I'm wondering is, how can someone be that cold? I'm thinking that either he knows the relationship is over and doesn't care, knows she's cheating, and/or is cheating himself (although that's unlikely since he's a big homebody). Thoughts? Hey RG, I analized, hoped, prepared and held on to every negative thing I was told going on in the relationship with MM and W.....MM said the marriage was bad no communication blah blah blah....on and on it went for 2 yrs, would have been 3 this Jan. Towards the end of the relationship with MM he even said he was gonna leave after he found a job (we both were laid off from our normal line of work, he has plenty of money to keep him going).... The way I see it, is if a person is that much in love with OM/OW they would have made plans in the beginning and followed through shortly after. I was also M when I started working with MM again.....after I began to have strong feelings for MM, and after the first time we had gone out I left my H..... I felt that if I could see someone else then obviously the M was over. I didn't feel bad about leaving the marriage because he had cheated on me severely. I also didn't leave the M for MM, did it for me, just needed a push. MM really didn't love me, I think he just needed someone to talk to....share a secret with....an escape....sometimes we become the scape goats so that they don't have to leave the M.
oyster Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 The way I see it, is if a person is that much in love with OM/OW they would have made plans in the beginning and followed through shortly after. MM really didn't love me, I think he just needed someone to talk to....share a secret with....an escape....sometimes we become the scape goats so that they don't have to leave the M. This is so well said. The longer the A drags on the less likely a divorce will happen and the more confort the escape goats becomes for them not to leave the marriage.
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