Guest Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Hello, yes this is a long post but this is a long story. I’m really confused right now and need some constructive help please. I was in a stable but boring relationship for 8 years along comes a 19 year old girl (I was 26) who thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread and commence a four month secret relationship. I couldn’t face the guilt with my partner so I broke off the relationship with her and soon after began a relationship with the other woman. I’ve always had a short fuse that never resulted in violence and my temper was very rarely directed at ex no. 1 but over the course of this new relationship which ended after 2 years, I found myself displaying traits of abuse including: • Physically removing her from my house (ala bouncer) and throwing her bag outside after she refused to leave following an argument. • Verbal abuse following a visit to a counselor. • ‘tutting’ if she did something that annoyed me such as making a mess in the house. • Walking away from her in a different following a mixed up accommodation booking through no fault of her own. • Walking away from her in a nightclub when she had gone to the toilet while I was at the bar after an afternoon of her being upset for no apparent reason. (I have anxiety issues which I am learning to deal with via relaxation techniques hence getting annoyed very easily especially if in a public area where I feel like everyone is watching me) I broke it off with her after two years of being officially together as during the time we were together and it became a cycle of make up, break up. Every time we had an argument she would end in tears and I would plead for her to understand that the relationship just isn’t going to work. She became an expert in pushing my buttons, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her and that nothing I could do would make her happy. Finally after an argument where I made it clear that I would not change (I like to have ½ an hour of minimal communication after a long day at work) she must have realized what I had been saying all along and decided that she would not seek to get back together with me. A few weeks later I decided that I missed her so made attempts at reconciling with her but she rejected me. I took her to dinners (just as I had always done when we were together), I even let her stay in my house for three days while she had an argument with her parents. I went through a 12 session anger management course, went to numerous counseling sessions, went to hypnotherapy, clairvoyants anything to prove to her and myself that I wanted to change to make things right with her. I’m pleased to say that these things all have had a positive effect on my life. While talking over the relationship with her and seeing how we could make it work again I asked if she was with anyone else and to tell me so that I would leave her alone and get on with my grieving as I was losing weight, unable to sleep and generally a mess. She denied this and I believed her. Finally 8 weeks after the break up and me still trying to come to terms with the end of the relationship she tells me that she slept with a colleague of hers 2 weeks after we broke up and that she did it to make sure she could not go back to me. She claimed to have cried through the whole thing. I accepted that we weren’t together and was willing to forget this as she put it ‘I have to tell you before I let you spend the rest of your life with me’. During this time we communicated over the email and by her learning more about me since the break up she picked on anything minor to argue over and my lessons learnt in anger management taught me not to react in my customary manner and that was to diminish her concerns and actually get her to explain what her issues were in a calm and rational manner. She could not cope with this at all and my change in behaviours confused her but made me realize that maybe I was right all along that I had made the right decision all along in ending it with her. Contact with her was left in a bitter state. Following an end of financial year party I slept with a great person from work who is now a terrific friend, we were out one night got very tipsy and ended up at a quiet club where I ran straight into my ex who was out which didn’t bother me in the slightest. Seeing her I turned straight around and headed to the other side of the empty bar and went out of line of sight of her. The next thing I know the ex and her friend are standing less that 2 meters from my new (girl)friend in a close to empty bar. Stupidly enough I say ‘hello …..’ and she ignores me, not sure if she heard me or not I touched her forearm and said ‘I’m just saying hello’ she continued to ignore me and stormed off leaving her friend behind. In that split second I did one of the most regretted things of my life and threw my glass hitting her in the back. I immediately left the club with my friend with her friend screaming abuse down the street at us. The ex tried calling me a few days later which I ignored for both our own good, she then sent a text saying I will be talking to the police then. I rang her and explained the situation to her that it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, I’m sorry and that I’ll leave her completely alone for her own good. I changed my telephone number and promised that I would speak to her in 6 months time but that I don’t think she would want to hear from me, she insisted I call her in 6 months time so I promised I would. I managed not to contact her besides driving past her new boyfriends house (the same one she slept with 2 weeks after me and claiming not to have any interest whatsoever) a couple of times while drunk/very sad to see if she had gotten on with her life and for me to be able to completely let go. I had seen her car there and found contentment in this and was dealing with the reality of being without her. I know it was wrong of me to do this and its been hard to admit to close friends. So anyway at the start of this month I decided to send her a xmas card and a short note saying that in the time apart I’ve made many changes in my life that I loved her and that if she ever wanted friendship I would be there for her. My gut instinct told me not to send that card and I was right, I came into work that morning with an email from a (girl)friend at work saying that she had some gossip for me in that the ex was telling people about the relationship accusing me of being abusive (yes I know it was true). I emailed the ex breaking over four months of no contact telling her about the xmas card, that I missed her, that I hoped her family was well and that I understand why she is telling people about the relationship to get over it. She then replied saying that I was the reason to blame for a family vacation being spoilt as her new boyfriend had heard rumours about her supposedly from me that scared him off. She accused me of sleeping around on her, just as she had done throughout the relationship, with no evidence other than finding a text in my phone saying ‘goodnight’ to my first ex (who is also a good friend of mine). She said that she had to go get tested for diseases and that I was psychologically abusive. I tried explaining to her that it is impossible that anything I could say should be able to affect her new relationship and that she deserved better than that if that was the case. I offered my friendship and she told me politely that she could not do this yet as it would cause problems with her family and friends. I accepted this and said goodbye. The next day I sent a final respectful email to her (stupid I know but my mind was running 100 miles an hour) saying that I’ve never explained to her what I really thought because of fear of her reaction that she needed to look at herself following her trail of broken relationships rather than blaming other people. She replied saying that I was psychologically unbalanced, that I should stay away from her, family, friends, anyone she cared about for the rest of my life and that if I don’t she will go to the police ‘with a summary of everything’ I’d done over the time I knew her and that she would also go to my parents and explain to them that I was an abuser. I replied to her that she could do whatever she pleased with her threats and that I would continue to stay away from her. This is my story, I have no intentions of ever going near her again, I only contacted her for my own benefit to see if she had realized that I was not the sole reason for problems in the relationship, my head was totally screwed from her, however I’ve taken a lot of positives from this mess: • Should have spent time fixing my first relationship rather than leaving it. • Trust my gut instincts • Better in recognizing people that cross my core values and dealing with them assertively and with respect. I need some constructive opinions here, not negativity, I know I was no angel in the relationship.
Spinderella Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 • Should have spent time fixing my first relationship rather than leaving it. • Trust my gut instincts • Better in recognizing people that cross my core values and dealing with them assertively and with respect. I need some constructive opinions here, not negativity, I know I was no angel in the relationship. Really, it is not that you should have fixed any relationship, but, that you should have fixed yourself before attempting any relationships. You still have a way to go by the sounds of it, and you should make sure you continue to work thoroughly on yourself before even thinking about another relationship.
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Anger management classes. Yes I did anger management and learnt a lot about recognising danger signs "amber light".. i feel like i've incorporated what i've learnt there into my everyday life and havent lost my temper in over 5 months.
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Really, it is not that you should have fixed any relationship, but, that you should have fixed yourself before attempting any relationships. You still have a way to go by the sounds of it, and you should make sure you continue to work thoroughly on yourself before even thinking about another relationship. Hi Spinderella, What would you suggest that I do next? I'm currently reading up on destructive relationships and it all makes clear sense to me, putting it into practice when it comes to people who are able to illicit reactions from me feels like the challenge to me. I've completed a 12 session anger management course, went to aq psychiatrist (who put me on ADD medication), counselling sessions, using meditation techniques, working on my physical fitness, even tried yoga for the first time, i really am a lot calmer but still find myself getting annoyed by people easily. I guess i should also say that i was an only child so that may explain why i'm not the best in interpersonal relationships. What else can i do??
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