wildanduntamed Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 OK before anyone berates me for my actions to date, lets just say that I KNOW!!! I have thought about everything and I have considered the outcome of my actions. I am not looking for people to tell me off, I just want some indication of what my next move should be.... and please bear with me for being so long, just that a full story rovided all the facts: ok, I have a really close friend who is quite a flirt by nature. He is 10 years older than me, and he is married. We have always been able to joke and kid around together with nothing ever being meant by what is said or done. Then just before we got married, (he and I were a few months apart in our weddings) he came to me and said we should be each other's last fling before we got married. I laughed it off and then after the weddings he said that since we never had the fling, we should at least be each other's affair. Again I laughed it off. A little while ago, he came to me when I was at a bit of an emotional low with my husband. Again, we joked around, but somethign this time made me desert my morals on the issue, and I found myself at his house many times. We would eat lunch together (nothing unusual for us) but then our conversations would lead to the two of us getting together. My husband and I went to his house to visit he and his wife, and while nothing was ever said, we did pass many looks and say things in general that were kind of in code for us. The next day I returned alone, and we ended up kissing. In the days that passed, this would become our daily thing. We would meet for lunch and whatever we could thing of for afterward, and then we would both go to work or wherever else we had to be. I knew it was wrong of me to be doing this, so I sat with my husband and came clean. I told him all that I had done (keep in mind that we DID NOT have sex or fondle each other). He had no reaction, and told me that he still wanted me to be friends with the guy, even to still spend time alone with him. It was a weird feeling that worried me. Was this a test? Did he even want me anymore? I was prepared to move out that evening, but he requested that I stay. My husband is divorced from a prior marriage that ended for this among other reasons. The other man had told me months before we got involved that he will most likely be leaving his wofe this spring if their situation does not change. My problem is that many truths have come to light from my husband that were sugar coated for my liking before the wedding, and I do have grounds to leave him for them... but I never, much as he never left me for my actions. I have days where I feel I LOVE my husband, but that I feel I am not IN LOVE with him. Doesn't that make me sound like a proper so -and-so now? To make a long story short (if possible) I have tried talking to my husband, asking him what he needs from me, what he wants from me, and he never answers. He had been treating me kind of crappy for many months now, and always says he is sorry and will try better, but that never materializes either. It has been a month now since we were together in an intimate manner, and every move i initiated last night led to his refusal, to the point of he putting a pillow between us. I do not know how much more I can give ina one way fight, and our marriage is only a year and a half old. Does it sound like there is hope? What should I do here next? I know that if I leave my husband, I will not be with the other guy either, so I am not considering leaving one for the other. I just do not know what I should do. Any advice??
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Try typing the words... 'Why Women Leave Men, marriagebuilders' into your browser and then read the article you find there. I think maybe your husband hasn't been giving you the emotional closeness you needed. He hasn't allowed you access to "every room in his house". Your buddy was providing a better illusion of that, but really... an illusion is all it was. The buddy's got his OWN agenda, which becomes obvious in the fact that he's the one who kept bringing up the "last fling" and "last affair". I find your husband's minimalist reaction to all this a bit perplexing. Is this in character for him? There's either one of two things going on here. Either he's more hurt than he's willing to show, which would explain him keeping you at arm's length. Or, he doesn't care. In which case, maybe he has his own thing going on outside the marriage.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I told him all that I had done (keep in mind that we DID NOT have sex or fondle each other). He had no reaction, and told me that he still wanted me to be friends with the guy, even to still spend time alone with him. Some possibilities: Do you think he may be having an affair of his own? Do you live in a fault state? He may be setting you up for the mother of all divorces.
Author wildanduntamed Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 I live in Canada, and to be honest, I have no idea how the system works in that regard. A few months ago (on our anniversary actually) we were out with friends, and having a night on the town. In the midst of that, he went inside a little pizza shop to buy snacks, while in there, he kissed 2 girls and wrote on papers and their arms. He claimed it was a stagette and they had to collect names and kisses. I told him that i had my stagette and did nothing of the sort, and that all he had to do was say he was married. I was angry at the time, but here I go and do the same thing. He usually mulls things over before saying anything, but his closed lipped attitude is more catatonic than anything else. I doubt that he has anything on the go of his own, there just would not be any way or time for him to fit it into his schedule. There are major problems between us anyway, money issues, respect issues and the like, and I have begged him to talk, and to change... but to no avail. It really makes me wonder. I know that what I have done is not fair to him, to the OM's wife, or to any of us... but still, he is like a drug that I can't seem to get enough of... As for an illusion, yeah, I know there is nothing long term there ( I don't think) but we do go a ways back, and what we do have is real indeed. THat is the part that worries me. It feels as though I love him more than my husband... is love different for friends than it is for lovers??
Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 At a minimum, I think the husband is looking for a way out of the marriage in which fault will not be attributed to him. Encouraging the other relationship could give him what he seeks.
Sup Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Your husband may feel that you havn't told him everything, or that if he pushes the issue, you'll cheat on him(Physically). I don't know if he's cheating on you though......
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 As for an illusion, yeah, I know there is nothing long term there ( I don't think) but we do go a ways back, and what we do have is real indeed. THat is the part that worries me. It feels as though I love him more than my husband... is love different for friends than it is for lovers?? When you read that article I recommended to you.... you'll see that OM is giving you more of what you want right now emotionally than your husband has. He's letting you 'in' more, at least he's allowing you to think so. This is what I mean by "illusion". He allows you enough access so that you feel like you're in the "inner circle". Your husband appears to have stiff-armed you on that count.
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