when to say when...

[booker]

i don't post much. i read much, though. but this time i need some direction. it goes like this. this may come out in a flurry of disjointed sentences, so i appologize in advance:

i'm in a relationship with a girl. we've been seeing each other since late august but really seeing each other for the past month or so. you know what i mean. she broke up with me two weeks ago, but then we got back together the following saturday. we have a good time together. usually. it's up and down a lot. and i don't know what to do about her.

she is, frankly, very off and on. one day she's all over me. the next day she doesn't remember my name. one day she wants to be together all day long. the next day she won't so much as answer a text message. my friends tell me that that's how girls are. so i try not to make a big deal about it. she says she's very independent, so i try to give her her space. i again try not to make a big deal out of it. what's getting me down, mainly, is that i feel under appreciated. this seems to be a relationship defined by her terms, when she wants and what she wants. i don't seem to matter. we've talked about this, and she says that she does appreciate me but can't express herself; she's called herself "a selfish b1tch who doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for me." i guess that's true, because if i wanted to i could call her that and not be entirely wrong. i wouldn't call her that, though. ever. she's also called herself a bad girlfriend. it seems like an excuse to me....she told me once in tears that she's so guarded b/c she was hurt in a relationship five years ago and vowed never to let that happen again. she said that after we broke up. but here we are again. we've all been hurt. life's about getting hurt. and i feel that the longer i put myself through this the more likely i'm going to end up getting hurt--again.

so half of me wants to give up and look for somebody who wants to be together, who wants to be in a relationship as much as i do. the other half, though, doesn't want to go through the pain of breaking up. (it doesn't help that we work together and go to school together....) one half of me--ALL of me, really--loves the sex. but i'm almost ashamed to say that that might be the only positive about our relationship.

everything points to breaking up-to saying "when,"-but a little part of me is praying that things will get better and that she'll one day wake up and say, "holly crap, i love booker." i'm quite torn (if you couldn't tell).

is it supposed to be this hard?

[Guest]

I feel for you! I've been in a somewhat similar situation in that the person i was with was sometimes really into me and crazy about me, and the next day totally unsure about the relationship and ready to break up. It went on that way for a long time, I felt like I was on a roller coaster, and I could never count on him. It was very painful.

 

The relationship was, like you say, on his terms. But I realized (a long time later), that I had a part in ending up a yo-yo. I let him do that, because I'd be there every time he was around and I chose to do things on his terms. I didn't have to put up with a lot of it but I did.

 

It's not that I don't believe that your girlfriend's actions are due to her fears and past hurts. It's just that you don't have any control over whether she deals with her fears in a constructive way.

 

I am not giving you advice to just dump her. What I'm thinking is that you should really define for yourself what you want/need, what things are absolute musts. If you aren't getting them in this relationship, tell her what it is you need to make it work. Tell her you understand and empathize with her fears, but you need her to talk to you about them and work through them with you rather than disappearing and hot-and-cold stuff. If she starts pulling it again, call her on it.

 

Sex is great but there are more fish in the sea. And I don't believe that girls are "just like that".

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough, but she needs to know where your boundaries are.

[booker]

thanks for your perspective, uh, guest.

one thing about this girl is that she seems to pull away when i get close, but when i back off-in response to her-she comes calling. this blows my mind. i mean, i've heard of playing hard to get (and what not...), but playing hard to get after she's been got.....

this is all telling me that she isn't interested in me, that i should go looking somewhere else. but when i go to move, she bats her eyes or, rather unlike her, does something nice to show me that she is, after all, interested. we're in a mental tug-of-war. it, well, blows.

[amaysngrace]

I would say leave and find someone else or accept her as she is.

 

It's pretty obvious she has told you already what to expect from her. She's a bad girlfriend, guarded and she won't appreciate anything anyone does for her because she's a selfish bitch.

 

Her negative self-talk is giving her the excuse she needs to treat you badly. "self-fulfilling prophecy" and all. Get use to this treatment from her or move on.

 

Sorry but they are your only options.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask how old you two are? This makes a difference in my reply. If you two are teens (16, 17 maybe?) then hopefully my answer below will make sense.

 

It honestly sounds like she's insecure and scared of being hurt. She is hurting you first, being in control, telling you she's a bad girlfriend, being hot and cold. She probably hasn't had alot of experiences with guys either, doesn't know how to communicate, be mature etc...

 

Your situation reminds me of my friend's daughter who is 16 years old and just started dating abit. She's got that "attitude" you're describing in your post about your girlfriend.

[booker]

Can I ask how old you two are? This makes a difference in my reply. If you two are teens (16, 17 maybe?) then hopefully my answer below will make sense.

we're both 25.....she told me she used to be a good girlfriend (whatever that means) in high school but several years in asia and no relationship with a boy for 5 years (since she was trampled on, i guess) has turned her into who she is.

things that make you go hmmmm......

[MikeC]

If you truly care for this girl, and you can see that she truly cares for you (minus the hot and cold, which seems to be a defense mechanism), then this is what you should do. The next time you are alone with her, bring up the things she has said. Then, stare into her eyes and say 'I know you have been hurt before. I realize that. But, I am not like the guys of your past. I will never hurt you like that.' Well, something like that. It comes out better in actual words.

[amaysngrace]

one half of me--ALL of me, really--loves the sex. but i'm almost ashamed to say that that might be the only positive about our relationship.

 

She's a head case. You like her enough to wait for her to get better if she's even able to? Then do what Mike C says.

 

But it sounds like you only really like the sex. The rest is too much for you to handle because she's mental.

 

You're the one who knows how you feel about her. Is she worth the effort and do you value your relationship enough to go through this with her?

[Walk]

I realize that. But, I am not like the guys of your past. I will never hurt you like that.' Well, something like that. It comes out better in actual words.

 

I'm all for the pep talk and letting her know she's clinging to her baggage too hard. But Don't lie to her.

 

He will hurt her. No matter what he does, there are going to be times that he's going to let her down, hurt her, unintentionally cause her pain. Just as she will do to him. The focus should be in moving past the hurt and finding ways to dimish future pain from miscommunication and unmet expectations.

 

I think he'd have a better chance at just pointing out what's happening so she can connect the dots herself. That she's withdrawing to avoid pain, and creating a rift in the relationship, which will cause the relationship to fail. Ultimately bringing about exactly what she fears the most.

 

I also believe some of the problems can be resolved through immediately addressing the issue. Ie: if she doesnt' text back, let her know the very next time you speak with her that you expect a response. Ask her why she didn't. If she's busy, then accept that she really was. If she felt you weren't asking for a response, then phrase text messages to prompt a reply. If she just ignored it because she didn't want to seem to available, then let her know that won't fly with you.

 

Maybe a little less beating around the bush, and a little more direct talk about what each person expects from the other, and then work to meet those. And let her know baggage is something everyone deals with, and that you would like to help her with her issues. But also that you aren't going to accept "I suck" as a response for her not even trying. She either works with you, or you both part ways. But make sure you're clear on what you expect from her, and that you aren't expecting her to read your mind and then getting upset that she isn't meeting your needs. If you can't clarify what you want/expect from her, then you have no right to get upset with her for not meeting those.

[booker]

thanks for all the kind responses, ya'll. i'll see what i can do and see what comes of the entire thing.

 

[booker]

who am i kidding? me, i guess. (beware: this is long....)

this girl is, seriously, driving me crazy. not in a *fine young cannibals* kind of crazy, nor in a *gnarls barkley* kind of crazy. but rather in a clinically crazy kind of way. she's always driven me crazy (like no one else), but this is getting ridiculous.

i saw her tonight. let's call her A. i went to her house to drop off some stuff. she offered me a drink and we sat and struggled to come up with anything to say to each other. there was absolutely nothing there....no spark, no girlfriend-boyfriend chemistry, just awkwardly constructed sentences to fill the equally awkward silence. i tried. i seriously did. but she wasn't into being girlfriendly. so i got up to leave. and she gave me a look and whimpered *what did i do?* that's when it dawned on me....

she doesn't realize that her silence towards me, her desire to have her space and fill it to, her need to have sex four times on saturday and then disappear for a week an a half--she doesn't realize that this is killing me. this is just how she operates. she's an off-hands, aloof 6 days a week girlfriend. that's just her style. it's not mine. i've always dated the attached-to-my-hip girlfriend, the call-or-email-all-day-long girlfriend. for some reason-!-A's (what?) independence (?) frightens me. i don't know if she just wants her time or if her behaviour is telling me to **** off. we've talked about this. she says it's a little of both.

we broke up a few weeks ago (sorry if i wrote this already) b/c she said that she couldn't handle my constant wanting to be together-ness. we got back together four days later. she was drunk that night. really drunk. but i accepted it knowing full well what i was getting into. i told myself not to get sucked in this time around, to give her her space, to sacrifice my mental stability for the sake of our *togetherness*, though our togetherness isn't necessarily our being together.....sigh.

but here i am spouting this to you all. a friend told me that i'm playing her game, that my attempts to let her be are doing neither A nor I any good. it's making me bitter and in turn is stressing her out and is slowly turning me against her.

so i try to talk with her, and she freaks out. she says she doesn't talk. she says she deals with her **** alone. she says school work is taking up all her time, leaving nary a minute for moi. it all seems like excuses.

i like this girl. i want to be with this girl. but is love supposed to hurt this much? is it time to say when? i don't know.

i spill this to ya'll b/c i don't know who else to spill it to. thanks for reading...

 

p.s. yes i do realize that, some how, i've given complete reign of this relationship to A....this doesn't make things easier, does it?

[Walk]

I feel for you. That kind of behavior would drive me crazy really quick.

 

I think for your best interest you do need to break up with this girl. You two aren't compatible, and trying to force one or the other into a mold is going to end in disaster.

 

You tried. That's about all you can do. You tried talking to her, you were open to discussion and comprimise. You wanted to find a solution. And it sounds as if she basically said 'put up with it or get out'. I am who I am and screw off. Well.. that's not a relationship, that's being an a-hole on her part.

 

I think it's time to end the relationship. I hate to say that and I know you wish it was different, but unless she's willing to comprimise and at the very least give the bare minimum toward making you feel she wants you around, then there's really nothing to work towards. All you're doing at that point is clinging to someone because you're afraid to lose them. She's not the only woman in the world, and she's not going to make you happy no matter how long you pursue her. You need to start putting yourself first. Figure out what you need and set boundaries for those needs. Don't let others walk all over them and toss them aside as if it doesn't matter. Firm boundaries for what is acceptable in your life, and what won't be tolerated.

 

There are women out there that are wishing they had someone like you in their life. Women who would be incredibly happy that you wanted to spend time with them and talk to them regularly. Women who will show you how much they appreciate having you in their lives. This girl your dating isn't the last woman on the face of the planet.

 

For whatever reason, this girl is broken. She can't give you what you need. But you can't fix her, only she can. And I will guarantee you (this is 30+ years of experience) she won't try to fix anything unless she realizes she's lost what she wanted because of her problem. Staying with her, giving in to her whims, won't drive her to change anything. She won't have to because she has what she wants. She gets to stay in her comfort zone, there's no force to drive her to change her actions. She won't change as long as she gets what she wants, and I think she believes you won't walk away from her. That you'll always come back if you do. That she can toss you aside when she wants, and you'll be there when she decides to pick you back up again. She doesn't fear losing you because of her actions.

[DanielMadr]

If she doesnt appreciate things others do for her make her do things for you

 

Do you sleep together? If not forget her. She is only after your attention. Dont give her any and she comes crawling for it right? Yep...attention whore.

 

Emotionally unstable, selfish, not giving....run away man

 

If you think you can "tame" her....stay tough and give it a try...ONE.

[booker]

Do you sleep together? If not forget her. She is only after your attention. Dont give her any and she comes crawling for it right? Yep...attention whore.

we do. oh do we ever. i was telling the folks in my earlier rants that that seems to be the only thing A and I are getting out of this entire thing. i never dated a girl who does.....what she does. that's probably what keeps me coming back. and she feels the same way (the last thing she told me the first time we broke up was essentially that.....). recipe for disaster? hot damn!

 

perhaps *walk* is right.....maybe now's the time to say when.

[gfto]

so half of me wants to give up and look for somebody who wants to be together, who wants to be in a relationship as much as i do.

Listen to this half.

 

the other half, though, doesn't want to go through the pain of breaking up.

She has already dumped you.