cecil brown Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Well after 10 days of NC, I made contact. It was strictly business related, but I messed up and brought up our relationship. Bad move. She got irritated and made me feel like crap. Said she's trying to move on, she doesn't ever want to try again with me, that I need to accept it, etc. Very tough to hear. I don't see how someone who supposedly loved me, wanted to marry/have a family w/ me, can turn so cold. All the issues she had with the relationship is stuff that can be fixed. I've been going to counseling, trying to improve myself, but she doesn't care. She wasn't perfect either, but I was willing to work with her because the love was worth it. Guess in her mind it wasn't. It's just very disheartening to try so hard for someone and for them to turn thier back on you. I cannot bring myself to accept she doesn't want me anymore.
Ssheena Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I'm sorry to hear you got such bad direct news. I know how it feels and how hard it is to accept. I hope today is better for you.
Author cecil brown Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Haliburton, Short version, she broke up w/ me because she got tired of all our disagreements. We had a lot of different views on things, and our constant headbutting just drove her to end it. She said because of all our differences, she couldn't see a future with me anymore. She's gotten frustrated w/ me in the past, but we always worked things out. I admit I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I can be a jerk at times, which is why I've been going to counseling. I don't want to be that person anymore. I just can't believe after all we've been through together, she's finally decided to give up on me and won't even consider giving us another chance. Ssheena, Thanks for the words of support.
mav100 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Cecil, I feel your pain. I'm in the exact same boat myself. I thought about leaving her a few months ago and decided not too because the arguing was about "small stuff". The end of October she initiated some contact with her on-again, off again ex-BF of 3 1/2 years, and I caught her doing it right before we broke up. Funny thing is, like I was saying, same boat here. A week before I found out about her talking to her ex we were talking about marriage and kids. I was planning to propose the week before Christmas when we visited her family in SC. Now shes back together with her ex, and I'm left scratching my head. Keep the faith brother. Keep up the NC for a while. Sometimes things have a funny way of working themselves out. Based on some of the conversations I've had with her, she's confused, or at least she was. I'll bet your ex is a little confused as well. Give her time to miss you, and remember the good parts of your relationship. That can only happen with NC.
notmakingsense Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Try to look at this as a blessing in disguise.... do you want to end up married to someone who doesn't have the wherewithal to work at things when they get difficult? You are probably putting too much blame on yourself anyway. I find it hard to believe that your arguing is mostly *your* fault. Use the opportunity of being single to focus on yourself and really think about what you have learned about yourself *and* about who would make an ideal partner for you. Get out with friends and family, your feelings will subside with time and you'll be ready to date again. And please.... stick with the no-contact.
Author cecil brown Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Well, I had to see her this morning to get the rest of my things. I tried to keep the talk friendly and light; compliment what she's done to her house, etc. She really didn't say much. When it was time to leave, I couldn't help but give her a hug. It felt so good. She hugged me back, but she wouldn't look me in the eyes when I pulled back and tried to make eye contact with her. I asked if we could have a friendly chat before I left, but she said no. It was awkward after that, so I just kissed her on the cheek, told her my love is unconditional and that I'm here for her, and then I got in my truck and left. It was so good to see and embrace her, but know I just feel even worse about things. There are still so many unsettled things on my part, but I know if I ask questions, she's just going to get angry. I know NC is all I can do, but damn it's hard. Don't know why I can't accept reality. It's not like I'm a teen (I'll be 30 soon), and this isn't my first serious relationship (been married once before). Guess when you think you've found the one, it's hard to say goodbye.
mav100 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Again, been there, done that. I made the same mistake with Janay. It took me 2 days to move out of the house, and I hugged her and kissed her whenever I got the chance. That just let her know I was still on her string. As much as we want to hug them, kiss them, whatever, we need to just be "OK" with everything and act like everything is fine. Not over acting, just "Hey, let me grab my stuff and I'll be on my way." "OK, take care, see you later". Then out the door you go. It really does make an impact.
ultimon Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 When it was time to leave, I couldn't help but give her a hug. It felt so good. She hugged me back, but she wouldn't look me in the eyes when I pulled back and tried to make eye contact with her. I asked if we could have a friendly chat before I left, but she said no. It was awkward after that, so I just kissed her on the cheek, told her my love is unconditional and that I'm here for her, and then I got in my truck and left. It was so good to see and embrace her, but know I just feel even worse about things. I was doing the same when I went to see my ex of 3 years to get my stuff back. All that love expression is just gonna make you feel worse. BUT, you shouldn't regret doing that, it'll actually make NC much more effective if you start being distant from her now. She might try to contact you sometime later after she realizes what a nice person you were even after getting your heart broken... provided that you do NC from now on.
MOMMIE Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Just Try To Be Strong...i Know It Hurts, But You Can't Make Someone Feel Something That They Don't...i'm So Sorry....but You Seem Like A Very Nice Guy, And I'm Sure There Are Lots Of Girls Just Waiting To Me You.....keep Your Head Up;)
notmakingsense Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Yeah -- like others have said, you need to try to wean yourself off of giving her expressions of your love. Did it really feel so good anyway? It sounds like she really wasn't reciprocating. One-way hugs and kisses do not feel good to me. I know that letting go and starting no-contact is scary because you are worried that she may forget that you are so in to her. Look at it this way, if her feelings for you are not strong enough to break your no-contact -- then you know its time to move on anyway because the difficulties you shared will be too difficult to overcome with her. Also, you need to go no-contact for yourself. This is actually the most important point. You need to start living your life with the assumption that she won't return. Until you do this, the passing time and any contact with her will be painful.
perspektiv Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I was in the same boat as you a few weeks back. My ex and I broke up for a month. About 2 weeks in I contacted her. I thought that this couldn't be happening because we were so happy together for so long. The relationship crumbled and there really wasn't a good reason for breaking up. The call blew up in my face. Before it I felt so strong. After I felt like the weakest person alive. It was the worst thing I could have done. She saw that I had changed. Not because I told her, but because I proved it. I accomplished alot in that month we were apart. Right now we are talking again. Sort of seeing each other I guess, slowly working into things. I have no idea what the outcome will be from here on out. All I know is that I have to remain strong throughout it all. You do too. You owe it to yourself to think about yourself for once. You don't need someone that is cold towards you. Don't do anything more for her then you think she would do for you. No contact...hardest thing to do, but the only way you'll get through.
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 You really need to move on!!! Women are usually associated with the word "wamrth". But let me give you some insight from a woman's perspective: If we want to be cold, we can be so much colder than guys. sounds cruel but true. She probably didn't want to give you the illusion that there was still a chance that you guys would get back together someday. She was telling you to move on too. Don't you get it? You need to accept it for now and live your own life. That's the best for you after all. Time will heal and you have to believe in it. look forward!
iceman44 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I really feel for you. I have gone throught the same thing.I think most of us have.Try to do the NC, I know its tough.My gf broke up with me and I did the nc for 3 weeks.It was pure hell, but when I called her she took my call.We are back together right now, it' s not what it use to be though. Your girl will realize you are a good guy, but let her miss you. At this point you really have no choice if you pull, she will push, if you push she will pull. Try to say strong, I know its easy to say but hard to do.Good luck.
Spinderella Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I think it is better that you left warmly. As long as you leave it now. It is natural to have many questions when a relationship ends, and to want closure from your ex. It is very rare, in fact, in my experience it NEVER happens that you get peace of mind from any answer the ex can give you. There is an automatic loss of trust when somebody leaves us, and there is nothing they can say or do besides actually getting back together with us, that would reassure us. You are better off getting your closure from yourself, and the quickest way to do so is to stick to NC. Fill your life with small missions that you can throw yourself into. Be grateful for everything you do have, this makes a huge difference to life and recovery.
Author cecil brown Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Well, I think I put the final nail in the coffin. Today I returned her missed call. Ist call went fine, left me with a decent feeling. Then let's just say some unnecessary jealousy got the best of me today and our 2 series of calls ended w/ her telling me I was pissing her off and to not call again. She hung up on me in mid sentence. lol, I'll I can do is laugh at my stupidity. I'm one of those losers that never can leave well enough alone. Oh well, no where to go but up from here
notmakingsense Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Of why NC is the best option when feelings are still raw.... The scenario is similar to dating... sometimes keeping your mouth shut is a better approach then trying to keep a conversation going! Don't beat yourself up over this. Most of us here on LS have learned the hard way ourselves. As for me, it took me 2.5 years to learn the lesson fully! You should be convinced by now... if not, well, I hope you have a thick skin!
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