Guest Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 You know it's bad when I'm 34, single and sitting alone on a Saturday night at a peak stress time of the year, just wanting to cry and feeling unable to even figure out my emotions anymore. Maybe you can help offer me some insight (rather than judgment--I've been doing plenty of that on my own). I'd like to think my story has some unique aspects to it, though after reading many of the posts here, I'm uncertain. My high school sweetheart and I were always in love with each other, though we definitely had our ups and downs in the years following. I went away to college; he did not. We were off and on (mostly off) for those years, but we always remained in love...To be honest, those years ago, he was always a guy willing to commit--I was the one who was a free spirit and had trouble settling down; I was just scared, I guess (who can accurately recall their emotions years later? I think we sometimes think of them as we want to recall them, good or bad). Anyway, when I was 21 and in my last year of college, he asked me to come back to him and I refused (don't know why; again, I was just immature..I knew I loved him, though). A month later, he began dating a new woman, and after a month, I realized I'd made a horrible mistake and tried to get him back. We spoke one night for several hours and he admitted I'd hurt him a few times and he was afraid of me at that moment. He said he really believed we'd get married eventually but at that moment he needed to just be with this new woman and have some fun. A week later, he found out she was pregnant--after dating less than 2 months. Here's the thing. He grew up in a horrible home, with a drug-addicted father who was never there for him and left him and his mother poverty stricken. (There's a lot more, but that's the inner turmoil at that point in his life). When he learned She was pregnant, he married her without a second thought and had the child (against many people's advice to get married). I was absolutely devastated by all of this...I can't even begin to describe my heartache. The man who'd a week before this knowledge had told me we were going to get married someday just had everything changed. After that, I couldn't talk to him. One year later, we ran into each other in a complete coincidence, and we ended up sitting in a restaurant booth talking for hours. He explained a lot of his feelings and thoughts at that time a year ago, both when we had talked previously and what he was thinking when he decided to just go off and get married. He admitted he wasn't sure he'd made the right decision, as he hadn't really known his wife well beforehand...wasn't sure if he'd even loved her. In one conversation shortly after that evening, he told me, "If I ever get a divorce, whether it be a year from now or 10 years from now, I'm gonna find you." That one sentence haunted me all through my 20s...very few people know just how that affected me. Over the years, we occasionally were in touch with an email here, or instant messaging, and an occasional phone call. At times, we'd rehash the past, and he'd tell me he still loved me, but there was nothing he could do about it. As time passed, he had 2 more children with his wife (which I'll never understand--but his explanation is that he felt he'd chosen his life path and had to stick with it, so it made sense to just build his ready-made family or something). Flash forward to this spring. He found me on Myspace and started sending me messages. For several months, I was doing this, very casually, no serious conversations through emailing, just banter. At some point, it became apparent to me that my feelings were starting to get invested in him again, and, realizing the emotional danger, I told him I didn't think we should communicate anymore. He said, okay, I wish you the best....and then contacted me a month later, saying he missed me. I went through this cycle a few more times, until I could no longer take it. I sent him a really long email explaining my feelings from all these years and just layed it all on him, telling him I really could NOT keep communicating. I told him I respected he was married and since I loved him and he was not free to love me, I could not simply be his casual old friend. I knew I needed more and coudlnt have it, so I wanted to cut my losses (and believe me, it was painful admitting all that pent-up stuff to him). I figured I had nothing to lose, and I was trying to get some closure. I guess I struck something in him this time, something different from all the times before in the past decade, because this time he called and admitted he was still in love with me after all these years apart, and once we talked, it was like time stopped. The next thing you know, he's calling me several times a day, texting me, emailing me. We just couldn't stop--it was kind of like an addiction. We met for coffee one day in a park and talked some more. A week later, he told me he was going to ask his wife for a divorce. Here's the thing: Events over the years had led him to believe (and he still does) that she is not in love with him but views him more as a provider, etc. He really thought she'd readily agree to a divorce and they'd work out something amicable regarding the kids with joint custody, etc. Well, the day he asked her for a divorce, she was completely hysterical for hours. He said he completely misjudged the situation and completely messed up and now he was screwed. She said she's always loved him and she felt like a terrible wife and mother if he didn't know that, and that she's "depressed" and he was all that was keeping her going. She did say she would do whatever he wanted, but that she couldn't sit there when they told the kids the news that she wanted a divorce too. So he'd have to say he was leaving all of them, basically. From that moment on, he's been a mess. He didn't leave that day, and because his "thesis" was that she was not in love him him, now he feels he has to let her prove to him that she is...Now he's waiting for her to come to the conclusion that their marriage is over and that she does not, indeed, really love him and that they'll be better off separate. He has discussed with me at length the conviction he has that he cannot leave his kids (or be perceived as doing such, even if that's not the case). He said it has to be either she kicks him out or they both agree to separate. He said he simply cannot live with himself if his kids feel abandoned, even if that's not the case. He tells me he wants to be with me, he is completely in love with me and always has been, but he NEEDS to be with his kids. I can't find any solution around this. I am beyond devastated right now. He still wants me in his life, and I'm having a very hard time just walking away, but I am also having an impossible time handling the situation in which I am essentially waiting for "if" to turn into "when." Just for the record, nothing physical has occurred between us. Both of us don't want to cheapen our relationship (for lack of a better word) by doing so while he's married, and I think we both recognize that it's just a bad move in general, given how high the emotions are right now anyway. I'm sort of at a crossroads here. I say sort of because it's not really an option for me (emotionally) to just move on....the plain truth is that I don't think I ever truly moved on in all these years, as pitiful as that makes me sound. I feel like I was so damn close to finally having my dream come true--I have believed all these years it would happen--and now I feel like I may have been duped once again (not necessarily by him, just circumstance...though I blame him as well, I suppose). As you can probably tell, I'm all over the place emotionally. I love this man more than anything. I am willing to deal with an ex wife who hates me, deal with integrating stepchildren, every painful part that comes with this. But I don't know how to hang on to any hope while he has no viable option for getting out of this marriage. I know it's all about the kids, and I don't want to feel selfish for wanting him.... As a rational adult, I understand why it's so important that he stays until he and his wife can mutually agree to part. And I certainly don't want to have him tell his wife he's leaving to be with another woman, knowing that those kids would NEVER give me a chance after that. Believe me, we both do want to do the right thing here (even if we're both being idiots half the time). But I think his wife will never cut her losses and move on--this woman hasn't worked in 13 years, and even if he supports her to some degree, she will eventually have to go out and find a job. And I also think I can't imagine how it would feel to be married from the time you were 22 and then have to try to be single with three kids at 35..I think all of that scares her to death, and I think it's good incentive to stay. Last week I had an emotional breakdown with him and told him I needed space. I regretted it a day or two later, and we spoke Thursday at length. He seemed a little more distant than he's ever been, and I think he's trying to take a little distance himself now. I think it scared him that I got so emotional, even though he stated I had every right in this situation to feel how I do about having to wait on something that may never come. I think he is starting to question whether it's worth the risk to try to leave and start something with me, even though he insists it's what he really wants. What's making me cry all the time is that I have tried so hard to control my feelings for a very long time...I am attractive (and attract men fairly easily), am successful career wise, I own my own house, I have close friends and family. But all I've really wanted all these years is him, and that's something I've almost never said aloud. So imagine when I finally let my guard down, and heard him confess all these feelings he has for me, and had him say "I promise you this is going to happen" (before he initiated the divorce talk)...all that. I let myself dream of the future, the wedding (he and I were already planning marriage, how crazy is that?), the babies we agreed we'd have, the integration of his kids into our family. I really fell for that dream. Now I feel like I'm losing it, and I am grieving in the worst way. I know there's a chance we'll still make it all happen, but I'm losing hope by the day. Can anyone offer insight based on what I've read? Or advice? Some male perspective as well? I know many of you will say I should just walk away and I can do better...but I need more from you than that, if possible. If you got to this point reading, I definitely want to thank you either way. This is tearing me up and, in spite of having good friends, I feel so confused right now that I haven't' really clued them into what's going on with me. I appreciate your feedback and candor.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 That's a sad situation for everybody involved, painful and horrible. I suggest for your own peace of mind to just back off and go no contact for a while and stick to it. He has alot going on with his marriage, his wife and you may not want to hear this, but his first obligation is to her and their children. You love him and want the best for him, then let him sort out his life. If their marriage ends, then decide what to do - But until that actually happens, you need to say goodbye... He also just can't end his marriage and pop right into a relationship with you. Does she know about you? Did he tell her he's inlove with someone else?
silentalways Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 wow. i wish i could give u a huge hug because i understand how hard that must be for you right now. i hate how fate does that kinda stuff sometimes eh! two people that should be together forever but aren't just makes me curse the heavens sometimes - man, if u both were single, u both would be totally spoiling each other after such hardship. i had someone i loved as dearly as u do yer loved one - and wanted the same thing u did. but she didn't and made it pretty clear and just cut me out of her life - so, at least u could move on knowing and feelingt positive vibes - i had no such luck. the struggle is easier with positives. may the star above grant you wishes.
Guest Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Does she know about you? Did he tell her he's inlove with someone else? Thank you for the kind words and the support. To answer your question, no, she doesn't know about me. She did meet me once years ago, when we all were in a bar in our mid 20s with some mutual friends....she knew I was his ex, but that's about it. When he told her he wanted a divorce, he said she alternated between blaming herself and then saying, "This makes no sense. There must be someone else." He said he thought about telling her about us, but then realized it would make the situation much worse, and that the kids would find out and never forgive him or me. He has had some fear that she might see his cell phone record at some point and figure out something, though I guess if she confronted me I could honestly say I've never touched her husband. I really need to stop crying over this. It's Sunday morning and I was having nightmares all last night, and I'm just a mess emotionally right now.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 It would appear that you've bought into the soul mates theory, Guest. The idea that this particular guy has something no other guy has. The fly-in-the-ointment is this... The guy only has what you, yourself, bestowed upon him. You can give that particular GIFT to any man that you find worthy. A man is only special to a woman because she DECIDED that it was so. When you boil it all down to basics, this man had LOTS of opportunities to backpeddle. Even if he got another girl pregnant, he didn't HAVE to marry her. He might have opted to be a father to his child, but not a husband to the child's mother. He didn't. And EVERY day between his decision to marry right up 'til today has given him an opportunity to rectify that mistake. People get divorced all the time. If you were THAT important to him... he'd have moved those mountains and done whatever it took to be with you. He didn't. The idea that it's 'all about the kids' doesn't begin to explain today's divorce rate, where one in every two marriages end in divorce. And while I believe that alot of guys sincerely buy into their own though process on that score... I don't think they're being honest with themselves when they do. Their feet are frozen because they're not sure if they're making a mistake or not on the whole. To me, that's the bottom line.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 "It would appear that you've bought into the soul mates theory, Guest. The idea that this particular guy has something no other guy has. The fly-in-the-ointment is this... The guy only has what you, yourself, bestowed upon him." I so very much agree with this, EVERYONE who feels that head over heels feeling is pretty much (innocently) guilty of this. I've posted these two links before but I will again, because they show how these things happen chemically and you don't really have a choice in the matter. Normally your only hope is to educate yourself and become VERY, VERY realistic with yourself about something you don't want to believe. Know and understanding don't necessarily make things any easier but do help you to make logical decisions. There was a thread a week or so ago that shows how difficult these situations can be, I believe it was entitled, "I'm back...". Reading these two links will help you to understand that all of what you may be feeling isn't necissarily coming from your heart or your mind. [COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] [COLOR=#0000ff]The Brain in Love and Lust[/COLOR]
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