Ssheena Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Sigh. What a long convoluted story my x and I have. I met him about 5 or 6 years ago and he was in love with someone else. I feel in love with him and had a very hard time but finally stopped contacting him (which generated a major major depression). I never stopped loving him but didn't contact him for years. Well this past July 2005, I emailed him and we got together. He loved me and only me finally! I got to know him better and better and we were so good together. He said all the right things, I was his best friend, I was the best thing in his life, he loved me and I think he might have wanted to make a commitment to me. He told my friend that he would move her to be with me, he told her that he loved me more than I loved him. He has some traits which are hard for me to understand and still are but that is just part of him. To make a long story short (I've got some other threads from the past on here) at the start of October I wrote him an email because I had gotten to the point where I just needed to be by myself for awhile, I was tired of always being the person who bolstered him up and the fact that he seems to just want people that he likes and admires to tell him what they like so he can like it too and hence be accepted by them and his general lack of strong sense of self and self acceptance, just was too much for me. He and I had discussed him going to therapy before on many occassion as it's helped me a lot and I thought it (and he agreed) would be good for him as well. I think he has had some pretty bad stuff happen to him as far as abuse goes when he was younger - I'm not sure if there was any sexual abuse or not but I know that something bad has happened to him. After I wrote him the email he called me up and basically broke up with me. He then later answered the initial email and said stuff like "we are definitely done" and that he was wasting my time by writing. I did not contact him again but he sent me an email on Oct 24, just saying he missed me and I was right about a lot of stuff and that he was going to spend some time sorting it out and it might take awhile. He wanted to email each other from time to time. I told him I love him and am supportive of him. I told him I was sad that he wanted to be definetly over but I would respect that if that's what he wants. I have not called him, emailed him or been in contact in anyway with him since the end of October and right now I'm a MESS. I've been doing everything somebody "should" in my situation but I miss him and I want him in my life again. I wish he would pursue me.. just one little email that said, hey, I made a mistake, I want you back. How can I get you back? This entire relationship I've been the pursuer. I've been journaling, I've been keeping busy, I've been reading, I've been talking with my friends etc, etc. I don't know what is up right now with me. Half of me wants to contact him and the other half is scared of what might happen if I do. I don't feel like it is "over" between us. My friends say if he is over me already then that says a lot about him. For all my tough talk to others, I'm weak inside. I love him and want him back. (calling the whamulance - wah, wah /cry /sniff)
AriaIncognito Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I understand how you're feeling Ssheena. That feeling of "it's not over". Ive had that feeling with my current ex (or whatever he is since we've been seeing eachother again) each time there's been a break. It sucks to have that feeling because it almost makes it feel like you can't move on until you resolve that feeling. I keep thinking that the feeling will go away after each time we get back, but so far, nada. So either that feeling is very wrong, or he's just a moron who doesn't know what he wants. It's very natural for you to want to be pursued. I get that too. My last one didn't do much pursuing, at least he didn't seem to as much. Sure he'd call/email etc but I dont know, I didn't feel as pursued as in other relationships. And we definitely like to feel like we are being chased. I wish i had some great words of wisdom for you on how to get over this, but I honestly don't. If i knew, i'd do it myself too. Just know that we are out here for you to vent :-)
Author Ssheena Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Thanks Aria! I'm moving along today one foot infront of the other. Bought some books ranging in titles from "how to get him back" to NPD to BPD etc. Reading helps. I'm going to do a yoga class in an hour or so, cooking a great dinner for my kids, cleaning up, etc. I was just having a moment of real downness and wanted to contact him although I don't know what I would have said. I'm still not sure on who broke up with whom. Some people say I broke up with him, some say he broke up with me. Who should contact whom? I don't know. I'm just giving it a more time.
silentalways Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 not sure who broke up with who? really? must not have been too bad of an ending for ya maybe eh? teasing - all ending are tough in my situation, there is really no confusion - lol i did the damage, she did the walking - so, in my case - she would be calling me. what in the hang dawg of a ghost like chance in hell that will happen? lol but on that note, my ex and i still live in the same city, small town canada, and while we haven't seen each other in quite a while, chances are one day, one month, one year - whatever, u get the idea, we will bump into each other - and i think she should know that its ok to fling the occassional delusional joke my way - cause i can laugh at that stuff now - already getting a few choice ones already - and it kinda feels nice i am worn out from the bluster and muster of my follies and the work needed to get going again - and its kinda nice to relax for a change and not have every cloud be a dark one anymore. i am gonna have 'meetings' twice a week now for a bit, and being a single dad u don't get the chance to get out as much as when u are without child - but i will tell u this - i am really looking forward to actually going out, with those that had my back covered during this thang and now that my head is screwed [and bolted, locked, tied, etc.] on straight again maybe dinner at a steak house and the a play at the GCTC is in order [hmmmm, something old and new in that one] - man, sounds like heaven
Author Ssheena Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Silentalways, I would love it if you would post your own thread about yourself, the little bits and pieces I've been picking up from your postings are making me curious as to what your whole story is. I've picked up cocaine, a daughter, a marriage, a time in a hospital (?). but.. I'm not having a good day. I'm doing the same ol stupid, stupid stuff and checking his myspace and seeing he's adding even more girls to it and my throat is all constricted and I feel like poo warmed over. All that is going through my head is how much I love him. I'm sitting here at work and I've been reading, Are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D. and can see both myself (my faults/patterns/issues) as well as my x's. I'm barely holding on to myself right now and I hate that feeling. I just want to go cry. I'm glad I get to go home soon. At least I'm losing weight.
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