Crazy for Crazy Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I posted in the separations and divorce, but I don't know if it's as applicable as here. Sorry for the repost, I just want the best advise, really, I'll add a bit that I think is important as well: I could type out the whole story but it's so long. The basic jist of this is my I'm 26 and she's 23. We've been together for 3 and a half years, but we're both in the military and we haven't actually been together since August 2005. Since then, we've just been counting down the days 'til we were together, which should've been this February. We were together in the Seattle area from June 2003 to April 2004. I went to Korea. She voluntarily followed me there in early August 2004. We tried to stay there together for another year but her request was denied, so she left in August 2005, while I stayed until April 2006. Still very much in love. In November 2005 she was sent to Kuwait. So she finally came back just last month. We talked about her coming to live with me when she separated from the Army, and she was all for it. She made plans around it. She told everyone she was going to do it. Everything was wonderful (even if we missed each other madly) until October, when she started telling me she was nervous and scared. I guess now is a good time to explain some things while not being too long winded. She's never been able to voice her feelings. She's always been afraid of opening up. She's always been afraid to totally give herself to someone because she's always been afraid (behind her false bravado) of someone hurting her. She admits this from time to time, maybe once or twice a year, typically only if she's drunk. Her self-esteem in reality, although very few would know it, is not strong. She was sexually abused in the past- although again I doubt she's actually told anyone, I just was able to piece it together through her moments of weakness in the past- and I think that plays a huge part in that. She always has to be the strong one. Always the one who is unaffected. Always the one who is above it all, although I know that's not really the case. Anyway, in the past two months she's done a total 180. She doesn't want to live with me anymore in February. She doesn't want to be my girlfriend/fiance. She wants to prove she can do things on her own, she's gotten a crush on another guy that she has pursued into a sexual relationship, she doesn't feel for me the same way...all in the month before she finally came back to the States and the month here. Her family knows it's because she's scared. Her friends know it's because she's scared. She's told me over the phone, after a night out with her friends, crying, it's because she's scared. She made a simple crush into a something much more in an attempt to use this guy to get over me, because in two months she'll never see him again anyway. I love her so much, and I told her I could wait and be open for her months, if that's what it took. But not if she continued to go on dates with this guy. She, of course, told me she would continue...nearly admitting while she said it that it was because it would close the door, that it would help her get over me, that it would force the issue to be done, because moving in with me terrifies her, because it opens her up for being hurt in a way she promised herself she would never allow herself to be hurt. She says, in moments of weakness, she loves me and misses me. She's crazy and I'm crazy for her. I was able to deal with her foibles, her fear of admitting weakness through love. I knew how she actually felt and she knew I knew. But I can't deal with this. I can't deal with her being with another man to avoid making a real decision about her life. And it kills me. I'm used to talking to her almost daily. So I'm moving on. But February is a long time from now, in some respects. And if she calls and says she now understands and wants to come down, what do I do? Any comments would be appreciated. Has anyone else dealt with that perfect someone who's tragic flaw (in the relationship anyway) is an inability to let themselves be put in situation where they may be hurt? Is it better to let them go? Or to work through it? I'm dying here. Addendum: Since that August 2005 we've seen each other two weeks in October 2005. A week July 2006, the weekend before Thanksgiving, and the four day weekend of Thanksgiving. During the last two she said she was 'trying', but later admitted to already having made up her mind about breaking it off. I understand after not seeing someone physically for so long things will be awkward and different. But we depended on each other emotionally that entire time, and I know (for an absolute fact) that she never cheated on me during that long separation. I don't understand why she doesn't want to try. I mean...I know why, she's terrified. But I gave her my final proposal for us to either try it or for us to totally break contact (maybe in the future I can drop her an email and and see how she's doing, but not now, now I need to cope with this myself), and she chose to just break contact. Later that night, that was the night she called me drunk crying, saying she's so afraid and she would just get her heart broken. She was my best friend. I don't know what to do because...well she still is. Except I can't talk to her. For my own good. And she's out there turning a simple crush into more (for only the time being) so she can cope with this. Any advise would be very appreciated.
Crazy for Crazy Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Well I guess I should've mentioned a few more things, but for the sake of brevity I missed a few important points: She's in Seattle now, her family (ie her home) is in Central Washington state. I'm in California now, I'll be leaving here in September 2007, going to Texas where I'll be until January 2008. After that? Who knows, probably the DC area or Hawaii. If she doesn't make this move, we'll probably never see each other again. It's just that simple. We could run into each other again, coincidentally, but honestly, let's be serious. I'd wait for her into February, while she gets used to life back in the States, goes through the process of leaving the military, gets her ducks in a row for her plan afterwards (it WAS to finish up college down here while living with me, deciding whether or not to get married, now it's...she has no idea)....but this other guy. She was with him in Kuwait and again, had a 'crush' on him but never ever acted on it. Or ever really gave it much thought until it came time for her to prepare to come back to the US (and it turn prepare to come to be with me), when suddenly it became an issue. She was concerned that if she liked someone else, how could she love me the same. I tried to tell her it was natural, we've been apart so long. But she's so afraid of getting hurt she uses this, uses him asking her on a date once we "officially" broke up, as a reason to just drop it. I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, she's known this guy for a year, were close friends. On the other hand she went on one date with him, got drunk, and had sex with him (the only person aside from me she's had sex with now). Back on the first hand, she specifically waited to break it off with me before doing anything. On the other hand, it was NOT A WEEK after she said if I needed an answer, that right now, it was no. And back again, we hadn't see each other aside from a few days here or there for over a year. Should I feel like this is a girlfriend quickly rushing to another guy after breaking up? Should I feel like we were kinda 'on a break' anyway because we were apart? It's a Catch-22 or something it seems like: If we were able to just be around each other and hang out and date without taking this big step...well, I don't think we'd really have anything to worry about. I don't think any of this would be happening, we'd just be getting used to each other again. She warned me long ago she wasn't good with long distance relationships (when she first left Korea) but I didn't pay it any mind. Again, across the board everyone who knows her thinks she's using this guy as both an excuse to justify her not coming down (because she's afraid of putting herself out there and getting hurt) and a tool to forget about me. In two months she won't see him again, either, she won't be in the Seattle area anymore. We loved each other immensely for two years like that. A year and a half apart followed up by having to move in or not move in has broken us. And I just so desperately want her to want to just TRY, to just SEE. But I'm afraid she won't (she's stubborn and will convince herself no matter what she feels, I think), even though she is completely free to go anywhere and do anything February. And I'm afraid I won't be able to deal with what she's doing now even if she were to come down. I'd LOVE to be able to take it easy, but our situation comes down to her trying, or us just not seeing each other again...ever. It's a big country and us just running into each other and it happening naturally is very unlikely. Please help if you can.
notmakingsense Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Admittedly, I didn't have the patience to study and analyze all the nuances of your story... but my opinion is that you take the same approach. Look at this very simply. She doesn't want to give it extra effort and commit. Move on and start living life without trying to figure out whether or not she'll be in it. Go no contact and heal. Focus on your life's ambitions and nurture the relationships you have with friends and family. I'm sure you will eventually meet a person that not only attracts your fancy, but has the wherewithal to spend the time and effort it takes to make a relationship happen.
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