Just venting I guess

[Crazy for Crazy]

I could type out the whole story but it's so long. The basic jist of this is my I'm 26 and she's 23. We've been together for 3 and a half years, but we're both in the military and we haven't actually been together since August 2005. Since then, we've just been counting down the days 'til we were together, which should've been this February. We were together in the Seattle area from June 2003 to April 2004. I went to Korea. She voluntarily followed me there in early August 2004. We tried to stay there together for another year but her request was denied, so she left in August 2005, while I stayed until April 2006. Still very much in love. In November 2005 she was sent to Kuwait.

 

So she finally came back just last month. We talked about her coming to live with me when she separated from the Army, and she was all for it. She made plans around it. She told everyone she was going to do it. Everything was wonderful (even if we missed each other madly) until October, when she started telling me she was nervous and scared.

 

I guess now is a good time to explain some things while not being too long winded. She's never been able to voice her feelings. She's always been afraid of opening up. She's always been afraid to totally give herself to someone because she's always been afraid (behind her false bravado) of someone hurting her. She admits this from time to time, maybe once or twice a year, typically only if she's drunk. Her self-esteem in reality, although very few would know it, is not strong. She was sexually abused in the past- although again I doubt she's actually told anyone, I just was able to piece it together through her moments of weakness in the past- and I think that plays a huge part in that. She always has to be the strong one. Always the one who is unaffected. Always the one who is above it all, although I know that's not really the case.

 

Anyway, in the past two months she's done a total 180. She doesn't want to live with me anymore in February. She doesn't want to be my girlfriend/fiance. She wants to prove she can do things on her own, she's gotten a crush on another guy that she has pursued into a sexual relationship, she doesn't feel for me the same way...all in the month before she finally came back to the States and the month here.

 

Her family knows it's because she's scared. Her friends know it's because she's scared. She's told me over the phone, after a night out with her friends, crying, it's because she's scared. She made a simple crush into a something much more in an attempt to use this guy to get over me, because in two months she'll never see him again anyway.

 

I love her so much, and I told her I could wait and be open for her months, if that's what it took. But not if she continued to go on dates with this guy. She, of course, told me she would continue...nearly admitting while she said it that it was because it would close the door, that it would help her get over me, that it would force the issue to be done, because moving in with me terrifies her, because it opens her up for being hurt in a way she promised herself she would never allow herself to be hurt. She says, in moments of weakness, she loves me and misses me.

 

She's crazy and I'm crazy for her. I was able to deal with her foibles, her fear of admitting weakness through love. I knew how she actually felt and she knew I knew. But I can't deal with this. I can't deal with her being with another man to avoid making a real decision about her life. And it kills me. I'm used to talking to her almost daily.

 

So I'm moving on. But February is a long time from now, in some respects. And if she calls and says she now understands and wants to come down, what do I do? Any comments would be appreciated. Has anyone else dealt with that perfect someone who's tragic flaw (in the relationship anyway) is an inability to let themselves be put in situation where they may be hurt? Is it better to let them go? Or to work through it? I'm dying here.

[silentalways]

personally i think she is making a huge mistake and making a decision based on fear - and she should talk to a professional about that. this is more about how she makes life decisions and is something important - not because of the relationship u are talking about but because if that is how she does things she will have lots of heartache in her life.

[norajane]

Why does the two of you being together require moving in together and being fiancees? Why does it have to be so serious right away?

 

Can't you both just live in the same city and date each other for a while until you see how your relationships develops? It sounds like it's too much for her to imagine making a lifetime commitment when you haven't even seen each other for ages, and never in regular, civilian life and roles. Plus, you're both young - you still need to learn who you are and what's important to you in life after you're out of the military.

 

You don't have to jump into the deep end immediately - play in the shallow part for a while, so she can stand up to ground herself when she gets scared.

[Crazy for Crazy]

Well the issue is I can't leave here. Life in the military ya know? She's free to go wherever her heart desires in February. She is now around Seattle, her family lives in Central Washington state (although she doesn't want to go to either place, has no real plan right now).

 

I'm in California and will be until September 2007. Then I'll be in Texas until January 2008. Then who knows? Most likely the Washington DC area or Hawaii. But I can't go to her.

 

Us just happening to live in the same city like normal people, without one of us specifically going to the other is...well, it'd just be entirely coincidental. I feel like if I let her go now (which I am doing, I just so don't want to) I'll literally and really never see her again, never have the opportunity to be around her again.

[PWSX3]

I have to agree with Norajane and you guys have gone thru a lot lately.

 

Sounds like she needs some space to find out who she is and if what you say is correct there might be more to the story that "she" needs to work on.

 

Time is a good thing, you are able to think things out and look at the situation in different ways.

 

If she feels she needs her space you need to let her have that, like everyone says on LS if you chase she will run and that is the truth.

 

Pick up some books and do some reading, educate yourself on relationships, that has helped me a lot, look at other posts on here and read them and just try and make yourself a better person and she will start to see it.

 

You are still young and you have lots of time ahead of you.

I feel things happen for a reason (even if it takes a few times to realize what that is) and this just might be a bump in the road to see if you are really meant for each other. Wouldn't it be better to get things figured out now then after your married, have kids, and then things start falling apart??

 

Good luck

[Crazy for Crazy]

Well I guess I should've mentioned a few more things, but for the sake of brevity I missed a few important points:

 

She's in Seattle now, her family (ie her home) is in Central Washington state. I'm in California now, I'll be leaving here in September 2007, going to Texas where I'll be until January 2008. After that? Who knows, probably the DC area or Hawaii.

 

If she doesn't make this move, we'll probably never see each other again. It's just that simple. We could run into each other again, coincidentally, but honestly, let's be serious.

 

I'd wait for her into February, while she gets used to life back in the States, goes through the process of leaving the military, gets her ducks in a row for her plan afterwards (it WAS to finish up college down here while living with me, deciding whether or not to get married, now it's...she has no idea)....but this other guy. She was with him in Kuwait and again, had a 'crush' on him but never ever acted on it. Or ever really gave it much thought until it came time for her to prepare to come back to the US (and it turn prepare to come to be with me), when suddenly it became an issue. She was concerned that if she liked someone else, how could she love me the same. I tried to tell her it was natural, we've been apart so long.

But she's so afraid of getting hurt she uses this, uses him asking her on a date once we "officially" broke up, as a reason to just drop it.

 

I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, she's known this guy for a year, were close friends. On the other hand she went on one date with him, got drunk, and had sex with him (the only person aside from me she's had sex with now). Back on the first hand, she specifically waited to break it off with me before doing anything. On the other hand, it was NOT A WEEK after she said if I needed an answer, that right now, it was no. And back again, we hadn't see each other aside from a few days here or there for over a year.

 

Should I feel like this is a girlfriend quickly rushing to another guy after breaking up? Should I feel like we were kinda 'on a break' anyway because we were apart?

 

It's a Catch-22 or something it seems like: If we were able to just be around each other and hang out and date without taking this big step...well, I don't think we'd really have anything to worry about. I don't think any of this would be happening, we'd just be getting used to each other again. She warned me long ago she wasn't good with long distance relationships (when she first left Korea) but I didn't pay it any mind. Again, across the board everyone who knows her thinks she's using this guy as both an excuse to justify her not coming down (because she's afraid of putting herself out there and getting hurt) and a tool to forget about me. In two months she won't see him again, either, she won't be in the Seattle area anymore.

 

We loved each other immensely for two years like that. A year and a half apart followed up by having to move in or not move in has broken us. And I just so desperately want her to want to just TRY, to just SEE. But I'm afraid she won't (she's stubborn and will convince herself no matter what she feels, I think), even though she is completely free to go anywhere and do anything February.

 

And I'm afraid I won't be able to deal with what she's doing now even if she were to come down.

 

I'd LOVE to be able to take it easy, but our situation comes down to her trying, or us just not seeing each other again...ever. It's a big country and us just running into each other and it happening naturally is very unlikely.

[norajane]

Her moving to be in the same city with you is not the same as her moving IN with you - do you see the difference?

 

Perhaps a lesser level of commitment would make her more comfortable. You can still live near each other and date, but you don't have to be as serious as moving in together.

 

Suggest it to her. See if that makes a difference after she thinks about it for a while.

[Antha]

Her moving to be in the same city with you is not the same as her moving IN with you - do you see the difference?

 

Perhaps a lesser level of commitment would make her more comfortable. You can still live near each other and date, but you don't have to be as serious as moving in together.

 

Suggest it to her. See if that makes a difference after she thinks about it for a while.

 

I think that's a very good idea. If she's receptive to it, you could even scout out some apartments or places to live for her that are close to where you live.

 

Antha

[Crazy for Crazy]

Well, I'm already onto NC. I think two weeks of trying to cajole her into re-committing to coming down her was enough. I think she'll miss me and maybe even regret things, but she's historically stubborn and probably won't call. I guess now I'm more interested in coping then winning her back. She knows to call if she has something to say.

[Guest]

Well, I'm already onto NC. I think two weeks of trying to cajole her into re-committing to coming down her was enough. I think she'll miss me and maybe even regret things, but she's historically stubborn and probably won't call. I guess now I'm more interested in coping then winning her back. She knows to call if she has something to say.

 

look, I am not taking up for her at all. and you are right she may be closing the best thing that ever was,is and will be, who knows but I was her. I was sexually abused as a child by not only brother,friends of the family,uncle and I was too her.

 

I was that scared little girl and I found the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life and 18 years later he hurts me to. so it is not you and to tell you the truth it really is not her either. she is scared and if you love her you will understand.

 

I am not saying that you except that she sees another guy. but we all cope differently and if that is how she can push you out then that is what she will do even if she does not want to. it is the fear of that hurt we felt when we were in that very bad place. and that you are just a man and that is what men do best."HURT". I feel for her cause she probly relizes that you are the one but wont let it happen.

 

what you need to do if you really love her. back off. dont say or give a time line. give her the number and let this be the last thing you say to her before you hang up. I LOVE YOU, NO MATTER WHAT I am here for you and want you to be apart of the rest of my life give her the number and let her decide. this will give her the confidence that she has a choice. it is all about being pused to do something that does not feel like it is a disicion whit her mind.

 

it is a dision that she has to make and there is a difference. I am as stubborn as a mule and if I am told to do something it just flys all over me and emotions come from way deep inside. like it was the day of that was happing all over aging. you must understand the wonded and love the wonded. if you know she is a wonded person you either choose to help fight the struggle and the battle within her or you let her go.

 

if your love is so deep that you proclaim then you will be togerther. if you cant handle all her emotions then why bother. you know she is broken. BROKEN AND WONDED either you choose to take the good with bad or just dont take it. love is a word that is very powerful, it is misused so often that we cant see it if it were in front of our faces the whole time. so just love her.

 

IT really is easy, you just love with the heart and that person should come first above all things and sometimes we have to overcome our fear and when we can do that it will be clear what she wants. the key is do not push her and make the dision for her cause when pushing comes she breaks down and closes herself off and you too. hope I helped.

[Crazy for Crazy]

Thank you for that. That meant alot, really. That is one of the very last things I told her, something we had never broached before in the 3 years of our relationship: I know what happened and it's not your fault, and I love you no matter what.

 

She has to decide, but she knows I know and she knows I love her unconditionally regardless. The hard part is I need to be prepared. No exaggeration, I would give my life for her even now. But I'm not sure I would live a life of pure miserableness- not without her. So I need to try to move on anyway. If she is able to gather to strength to call me, there's no doubt in my mind. If she's not- I have to live my life. I love her more than anything but I'll bury those sentiments if I have to. I don't plan on killing myself and, as such, I don't plan on living the next 40-50 years of my life in misery. So something's gotta give.

 

I just truly hope she calls before it's too late. Who knows when that will be.

[Crazy for Crazy]

Wow. I last posted here only two days ago. Feels like weeks. Now, I'm driving myself crazy wanting to talk to her, wanting to tell her she can just move here with her sister and we can take things slow. I can barely help from picking up the phone to call her and say...what?

 

I've never felt anything like this before. On the one hand I want to keep contact, just casually, in the hopes of it (not me, it!) slowly convincing her to give us another chance by coming here. On the other, I want to give her space. But I know this girl, and giving her space is like pushing her away, because intellectually she wants to not love me and wants to not be with me. I mean, she told me over and over again in our relationship that she didn't want to love me, didn't want to be with me, but she just couldn't help it, she loved me so much. She was partially kidding, but she was also being truthful in some aspect as well.

 

EDIT: Rereading that made it sound pretty weird. All we talked about from like...I dunno, April on (when I got here) was about being together here, and that was both of us, not just me. It's not like she consistently said she didn't really, intellectually, want to be with me. But it was said from time to time. She wasn't looking for a boyfriend when we first starting hanging out, and as things progressed, but it was so natural and felt so right there was no way around it. She said that alot as well.

 

Several of you guys here seem to be somewhat of an expert in this matter. From when we were first split apart to September she was excited to live with me. October she got gunshy. November I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said yes. In the two weeks that followed us being together, I tried and tried with her, unable to get more than an "I don't know" and "Please let's stop" from her while sober, unable to get more than an "I love you so much" and "I just can't I'm so afraid" when drunk.

 

I told her I wouldn't contact her but that I hoped more than anything someday soon (ie in the next three months) she showed up on my doorstep. But...god, this just hurts so much.

 

And who knows what she's doing with this guy: She may not being seeing him anymore in attempt to 'think' (what I advised her- begged her- to do the last time we spoke), she may still be hanging out with him every once in awhile. She may be with him every day. But she also will leave him in February regardless of any of that. And, again, we haven't even been around each other physically, aside from a grand total of maybe a month, very nonconsecutively, since last August, so it's not really like she just jumped from a very strong physical relationship with me to an emotional and physical one with this guy. In fact, it's more like she jumped from an emotional one with me to a physical (or maybe not more than that one time- again, I don't know) one with him. To me that seems alot more forgivable then if we lived together/around each other for that year and then she said she couldn't move with me and jumped to him. In fact, totally forgivable if she really asked for it.

 

Call? Letter? Nothing and hope she first feels something strong and then, the much bigger issue, has the confidence to act on it and contact me? More advice, please, because talking to you guys sure beats talking to her and possibly (probably) blowing it even more than I already have.

[Crazy for Crazy]

If anyone cares, I broke down.

 

Yesterday my friends took me out (I got promoted) and I was just rip roaring drunk. I ended up texting her that I missed her, then called her. Very drunk. She was a little tipsy herself, although at her place with her roommate. It was a generally positive conversation, where she told me just how much she loved me, but still said she couldn't do it. And that this was hard for her, and calling her made it harder, and her life was just so busy and confusing now she couldn't be with me. How she took my advice and didn't go on the second date with that guy, to think. We laughed alot, and cried a little, and it was okay. After about two hours (to include like 3-4 dropped calls where she quickly called me right back) she fell asleep on the phone with me.

 

I called her this morning because...well, what I just told you is about all I remember of the conversation. I wanted to know what was really said- what her impression was- where we were. Didn't go well. Her barrier was back up and just told me we weren't getting together, it wasn't gonna happen, to move on with my life the way she's moving on with hers and it was a great time but that time has passed. She's going to Vegas with her sister and that's all that needs to be said. Even if she wanted to be in a relationship with me, and wanted to have feelings for me, she certainly wouldn't do anything long distance. As we were talking, she mentioned how at some point in the last year (she didn't say exactly when) she wanted to marry me so badly, and if I would have just asked the question she would have instantly said yes. I said it's a good thing we didn't do that then, because here we would be, having this conversation but with alot of legal mumbo jumbo involved as well.

 

She said no, if we had gotten married she would have 'fought' for me, fought through all this confusion and change and turmoil in her life to be with me. I told her that was horribly sad, that a piece of paper would change this whole situation. And she just kinda audibly shrugged. "Oh well". She has mentally moved on totally. She has focused herself on moving forward and I'm just a dot in her rearview mirror. I've never heard anyone talk the way she talked, I certainly never thought I'd hear her talk to me like that. "That's the breaks, dude, we're not getting back together. Woulda been nice if it worked but it didn't and don't dwell on it. It's over- there is no us." Again, it's kinda a relief to me. But I still know what I want, and it's her.

 

But at least the door is closed. And locked. If she ever doubts herself and this decision, no one will ever know about it. Not me. Not her family. Not her friends. She might feel it for a minute and then quickly push it down, like she pushed down her feelings for me over the past two months, and move forward. She's tough.

 

Oh well.