Guest Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE IMMEDIATELY!!!! IM DESPERATE!!! I met my wife a long time ago when we were both really young. she moved back to Europe, and 5 years later I made the move. we've been married 2 years and have a 1 year old son. im finishing school, and my wife works in the evenings. we don't see each other for more than an hour each day, and a few hours one day a week. when she gets free time that we could spend together, she often goes drinking (we live in a culture that drinks heavily, and that is the norm here). Anyway, my serious issue is that often she'd rather go out then be home with me. i understand we don't get to go out often together cause of our son, but still. she ends up getting blackout drunk sometimes, and wandering the city alone, and occasionally will just start hanging out with other men. we love each other, and i have continuously expressed my disapproval, and she has continuously expressed how shed never cheat on me. the thing is, it just keeps happening. she'll go to male friends houses at 5am and fall asleep there, and i cant even tell her im mad anymore, cause i just sound like a broken record. she doesn't respect my feelings about the subject (says she does, but keeps doing it anyway). last night my sister babysat, and we went out for a couple hours. came home, then she left at 11pm with her sister, went bar hoping til 430, and brought some random girl back with her. I told her she could go (i try to give her freedom), but i said id be lonely if she did. and she did. we were supposed to spend the whole night together, but scratched that plan cause we were tight on cash. yet she went out anyway but not with me, and of course spent money that we didnt really have (the whole reason WE didn't go out). im sick of this life. i love her, but im not happy. i don't know what to do. im in a foreign country and my options are limited. i want things to change (if they dont ill just continue being miserable), but i know they wont. do i leave her, cheat on her, kill myself, walk through life unhappy. i cant stand talking about my feelings anymore. it just makes me look like an oversensitive jerk, and it doesnt do anything anyway. she just turns it around on me. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE IMMEDIATELY!!!! IM DESPERATE!!!
Krytellan Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 You already know what you need to do, you're just scared to do it. One thing I know about people is that we can do anything if we want to badly enough. You do, you know what it is, you just need to want it badly enough. Yes, I'm referring to leaving her.
Same Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 She doesn't mean to treat me badly. she just doesn't understand. and I'm not afraid to leave her, but i don't really want to. i want an alternative. i want to knowhow to fix things.
oyster Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 She doesn't mean to treat me badly. she just doesn't understand. and I'm not afraid to leave her, but i don't really want to. i want an alternative. i want to knowhow to fix things. mate forget the money issue, when woman go out, they don't need money, tons of guys will buy her drinks. either you leave or have an open relationship and go find a girlfriend. communication barriers seems to be broken, she is seeking confort outside "home"
Ladyjane14 Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 If your wife wasn't drinking, do you think you'd still be having these kind of trouble in your marriage? There's not much you can do in an effort to solve relationship problems when you're working with a drunk. Maybe the thing to do, "drinking culture" or not... is get the booze out of your marriage first and foremost. Partying is something you don't do when it interferes with your responsibilities. So if it's a problem for your spouse, or your kid, or your budget.... it's become a problem of it's own.
Same Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 She doesn't have a drinking problem really (ive seen a lot of alcoholism). She just wants to go out and have fun. I don't blame her, i'd like to go out occasionally too (although her going out kinda cancles out my ability to do so, kid and all). And she doesn't let guys buy her drinks (not strange guys trying to get in her pants). And shes not looking for comfort outside of home. I think it's more that she just wants to have a soical life (which is perfectly legit), but im not comfortable with the kind of social life that is normal here. In the states, people don't drink as often or as much as they do here. Here, its what you do when you go out. She really tries to fix things when I tell her im unhappy. She really feels guilty when she does something that upsets me. She tells me shell do anything to make me happy or comfortable or to keep me from wanting to jet. Part of my issue is that she just cant see whats wrong, why im not happy. She puts WAY to much time into work. I study very hard, watch our son, clean the house, cook. I do pretty much everything except work (which may change), and she cant even respect my feelings about spending time together or comfort in a foreign country, or being unhappy with our sex life. I really don't have options. If I wanted to leave, i'd have no where to go. Hell, I don't even speak the language. But I don't want to go. I just want her to dedicate a fraction of the time she dedicates to work, towards our relationship. and understand that if im not comfortable with her going out the way she does, just cool it for a little while, at least til i get used to it. shes a good person, and she really loves me. she just doesn't quite understand why im not happy.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 What's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander, Same. Your relationship with your wife doesn't sound equal to me. The Golden Rule doesn't seem to apply. I can't believe your wife is treating you the way she herself would like to be treated. The best way to have a successful marriage is to prioritize our partner's needs as if they were our own. She's not doing that. She's treating you like an employee. It sounds to me, like you already know what you need from her. Your responsibility in the relationship is to let your partner know what your truest needs are and then to stand up for yourself. This represents conflict that can't be avoided if you want to stay married. Because any deficits that are allowed to exist in your truest needs will breed resentment and eventually destroy the flow of Love.
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