BeenThere22 Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 As my name says - been there. My heartfelt advice - bail and bail now. This is a guy squarely on the fence. He is certainly not willing to extend himself emotionally to you but he is probably missing the attention and ego boost that you give him. Please don't fool yourself and see this as an olive branch. It's a childish gesture designed to get attention with zero effort on his part. Love is not a solo act. If he truly wanted to be with you he would be with you and wouldn't respond to a good-bye e-mail a week later with "Hi." He knows he has you wrapped around his little finger and all he has to do is say jump. For the sake of your self-esteem and your sanity ditch him and ditch him hard. I've been there. You'll be thanking me 6 months from now.
Author addicted2love Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 I truly appreciate your advice. Some days there is nothing I'd like better than to "ditch him hard". I did that once 13 years ago when I moved out of state and married someone else. But for the last 13 years I've never been able to get him out of my system. I've always felt like I'd made a mistake by not staying with him. He's VERY stubborn I know this...however I also know the vulnerable side of him. His track record so far has always been to shut down emotionally when he's scared or hurt. But he also always comes back. I know it's not fair to me...to be the yo-yo. But when he contacted me after all these years I was the happiest I've been in ages. I was happy just to be able to talk to him once in a while. I've always wanted to be his soft place to land. I've been that for him in the past and he has done the same for me. I'm sure everyone here thinks that makes me a door matt but I'd rather be considered a hopeless romantic that refuses to let true love die. As far as my self worth...yes he's hurt my feelings but not my pride. I have no doubts about myself as a person or my self worth. My esteem is fully in tact and NO ONE can take that from me. I learned a while back that no man is worth feeling low about myself. I guess you could say I've never been a quiter. MM even told me once "whatever the situation you always make it through, you're a survivor". If this had been a stranger I had just met I would let go with no problem. But this is the one man I've never been able to resist. I knew it from the first moment I saw him 17 years ago. Call me crazy.
frannie Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Part of me feels like if I tread lightly with him I might finally get the closure I need without the pain. Honest to God just the simple "hi" that he sent has made me feel better then I've felt in a month. I know it's a small guesture but after all of the emotions and feelings we shared with each other it's nice to be acknowledged no matter how small. Might lead to the conversation I so desperately want to have with him. Who knows. This is so terrible to read... I've been there, wanting a tiny crumb from someone who couldn't and wouldn't give anything more than a 'hi' on his terms. If you desperately want something from someone you're in trouble... no matter who it is or what they've done. And look at what he's doing. A 'hi' after a month is rubbish... how could it have made you feel so good? This is an awful situation for you. I wouldn't be calling it love
oyster Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I'm not trying to start anything up again...what I really need from you is an explaination. I need to understand why you would contact me in the first place and say you can't "quit" me and then avoid me and hang up on me. I need for you to understand how badly this has messed up my head and my life. good introduction, setting the tone of what is coming. I realize that you are doing major damage control at home. I remember all too well the steps that my husband had to take to get back in my good graces. But to his merit he at least had the decency to say goodbye to his "girlfriend"...he was kind enough to appologize to her for hurting her feelings. He gave her closure. He says his situation was physical not emotional (I'm sure you've claimed the same thing) but she clearly had feelings for him and he didn't leave her wondering where she stood. He took the chicken **** route and sent her an email but it was as kind as it could be and she was greatful to him for letting her down easy. I'm not saying he's the greatest for doing that but I have to admit it was the respectful thing to do. I guess I've kind of put myself in her shoes for the first time ever...it's not fun. good analogy so he can better visualize what he might be doing to you. The situation of an affair isn't fair to anyone but I truly feel like the biggest loser in the end. this should had been bold or your opening line. I believe that with you and me the physical aspect was the smallest part of it. It's the emotions that I can't get over. (emotions that we've never been able to get over) If it had just been one last fling between us I could get over that...I could say thanks that was fun...good luck and have a great life! But for me it wasn't just a great lay. I don't think it was just that for you either. I don't want to believe that the man I thought was the love of my life played me and tossed me aside like a used kleenex. Sounds harsh but that's exactly what it feels like to me. As a man reading this, it hits my gut and I feel disgusted of what I have done to you. My heart wants to believe that your feelings for me were/are real but you are just confused right now. I want to believe that you avoid contact with me because you don't want to hurt me. Also I can't help but feel like maybe you won't say goodbye or end it properly because you don't want closure between us. Maybe you want to keep that door open if there ever comes a time when you want/need me in your life again. That would be fine if you could just explain to me happend. you are telling how you perceive things, waiting for him to confirm your assumption. I really need to work all of this out and you are the ONLY one who can help me do that. I really need to put this to rest. It took me years to get over the pain of losing you before. I don't have the luxury of time now. This has effected everything in my life in the worst way. It's all I can think about, my business has suffered, I have no patience with my daughter and I tear up at the worst possible times. You are so much better at squashing your feelings than I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. You and I have always been able to talk about anything when we we're both calm and open minded. I was angry (very angry) but I'm not anymore. We know each other well...you don't want to deal with things when you are hurting and you know that I wan't nothing more than to deal with things when I'm hurting. stating reason why you asking for closure You know that I won't criticize you or make you feel bad about how you feel. I just need to know for my own peace of mind. I can get over this myself...it will take time but it will happen eventually. But I'd much rather deal with it now...get over the hurt feelings now so that if there ever comes a time when we run into each other or you decide you want to get in touch with me again I'll be able to leave the door open. That is if that's what you want me to do...I just need to know. I hate that things turned out this way and I'd really like to have a nice ending with you if that makes sense. I don't want to hurt or have hard feelings between us. I'm not sure if you even care but if you do it would be nice to know that. Please respond. I would appreciate it very much. you are leaving the door open for a clean start. It might happen or not but time will tell.
bonehead Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Cuz now I can go the other direction with it. Yes Im going to be an a*s about this, sorry. I'm not trying to start anything up again...what I really need from you is an explaination. I need to understand why you would contact me in the first place and say you can't "quit" me and then avoid me and hang up on me. I need for you to understand how badly this has messed up my head and my life. I can STILL get to her. She STILL needs SOMETHING, ANYTHING from me. I realize that you are doing major damage control at home. I remember all too well the steps that my husband had to take to get back in my good graces. But to his merit he at least had the decency to say goodbye to his "girlfriend"...he was kind enough to appologize to her for hurting her feelings. He gave her closure. He says his situation was physical not emotional (I'm sure you've claimed the same thing) but she clearly had feelings for him and he didn't leave her wondering where she stood. He took the chicken **** route and sent her an email but it was as kind as it could be and she was greatful to him for letting her down easy. I'm not saying he's the greatest for doing that but I have to admit it was the respectful thing to do. I guess I've kind of put myself in her shoes for the first time ever...it's not fun. The situation of an affair isn't fair to anyone but I truly feel like the biggest loser in the end. Shes mad at me but oh well, she still needs something from me. I believe that with you and me the physical aspect was the smallest part of it. It's the emotions that I can't get over. (emotions that we've never been able to get over) If it had just been one last fling between us I could get over that...I could say thanks that was fun...good luck and have a great life! But for me it wasn't just a great lay. I don't think it was just that for you either. I don't want to believe that the man I thought was the love of my life played me and tossed me aside like a used kleenex. Sounds harsh but that's exactly what it feels like to me. I know I still have her heart. My heart wants to believe that your feelings for me were/are real but you are just confused right now. I want to believe that you avoid contact with me because you don't want to hurt me. Also I can't help but feel like maybe you won't say goodbye or end it properly because you don't want closure between us. Maybe you want to keep that door open if there ever comes a time when you want/need me in your life again. That would be fine if you could just explain to me happend. Your right I dont want closure, as soon as the dust settles ( and my wife lets my n*ts outta this vise ) I want to pick up where we left off. I really need to work all of this out and you are the ONLY one who can help me do that. I really need to put this to rest. It took me years to get over the pain of losing you before. I don't have the luxury of time now. This has effected everything in my life in the worst way. It's all I can think about, my business has suffered, I have no patience with my daughter and I tear up at the worst possible times. You are so much better at squashing your feelings than I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I still got it, DAMN IM GOOD!!!!!! You and I have always been able to talk about anything when we we're both calm and open minded. I was angry (very angry) but I'm not anymore. We know each other well...you don't want to deal with things when you are hurting and you know that I wan't nothing more than to deal with things when I'm hurting. You know that I won't criticize you or make you feel bad about how you feel. I just need to know for my own peace of mind. I can get over this myself...it will take time but it will happen eventually. But I'd much rather deal with it now...get over the hurt feelings now so that if there ever comes a time when we run into each other or you decide you want to get in touch with me again I'll be able to leave the door open. That is if that's what you want me to do...I just need to know. I cant right now, See above reference to the vise. Plus as it sits now I can call you in a year and say I need to talk about how we ended and BAM I can get right back to where we were. hate that things turned out this way and I'd really like to have a nice ending with you if that makes sense. I don't want to hurt or have hard feelings between us. I'm not sure if you even care but if you do it would be nice to know that. Please respond. I would appreciate it very much. Honey, you KNOW your the love of my life. I would NEVER do anything to hurt you, but I cant right now. Damage control, ya know.
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