desperate4change Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 What ever luck means.. I haven't posted here very much, so many of you may have not read my story-- what I managed to get out anyway. I've been with MM almost 4 years now. I've been D for 6 years. I've never asked him to leave the W, and I never really intended to do do. Until now. I feel like I am at a turning point. Maybe it's too many holidays, weekends, movies, trips all alone, too many broken "date nights", too many unanswered questions that I'm really afraid to ask (because I think I know the truth). Too many wasted years that I've allowed my love and attachment for him to grow. I'm not really sure, but I'm really torn now. So, tomorrow, we are going on our annual Christmas shopping trip, like we have for the last three years. I intend on laying it all out there to him -- how I'm ready for more of a "normal" relationship. And I'd like for him to be part of that normalacy in my life. I don't like the person I've become. This is the only part of me that is not me. I'm a person with high moral standards, values and ethics and look at me!! And I'm really tired of all the wondering, waiting, wanting and weeping over this situation. I've tried to do this numerous times, but everytime, there's a big lump in my throat, and I freeze. I'm really scared guys.
kymberann Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Good luck to you! What exactly are your intentions? Are you planning on NC, asking MM to choose, leave the W? Are you prepared for his answer if it isn't what you are expecting to hear. I don't blame you for being scared, you are putting 4 years ut on the line. You deserve a "normal" relationship. I hope it goes well and I hope you get the answer that you so much want. Keep us posted on the outcome, we are here for you. best
silentalways Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 sending u positive vibes - i understand how difficult it is to finally reach that point where it is make or break time. so, get a good night sleep, go out for breakfast in the morning and listen to music that rawks yer soul and the goddessses and dudegods will bless yer decision with a great outcome. stay kewl
stillhere Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I wish you much luck. Ultimatums are not usually the way to go, but it may work for you. You never know. I know that when i let my MM know that i'm not happy, he steps it up and goes out of his way to make me as happy as possible. Yours may do the same for you. If this is what you have your heart set on, don't let him change your mind. Stay strong.
Author desperate4change Posted December 9, 2006 Author Posted December 9, 2006 Thanks for all the sweet and kind responses! I did get an ok sleep last night getting ready to try to choke down some breakfast -- this big lump in my throat. I realize that ultimatums aren't generally the way to go and I don't really want to go there either, but if I don't go there, I'll never know. I'm just caught up in this big cycle of not knowing and I keep asking myself -- now it's time to ask him. I think I'm prepared for his answers, and I think they will be something like we have all heard before -- I cant leave b/c my son has 2 years left in HS I cant leave b/c I'm afraid my daughter wont talk to me I cant leave b/c W doesn't have anywhere to go I cant leave b/c I'm Catholic I cant leave b/c we got a new puppy I cant leave, where would I park my 3 cars? I cant leave b/c the toilet's backed up We have ALL heard them before!! It's not like we have never discussed his situation before, we have. He's been married for 20+ years, and I realize that there is alot at stake for him. I've just never asked him to leave. In fact, early on I told him that I'd never ask him to leave for me because I know how difficult D is. I wish I'd never said those words... Kymber, I think I'm ready for his answers (I just listed them) and I know I'm ready to go NC if that's what it takes to get over this.
Freedom Now Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 And if NC is what you must do, we will be here for you. Many of us are in various stages of NC. You will not be alone. We will be the light ahead of you that shines in the darkness. I pray for peace for you today.
movinon05 Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Hi d4c, I gave my exMM an ultimatum after 7 yrs. New Years Day of 05. I talked to him two days before D-day and he told me he was leaving in 2 days. You may not want to hear this, but... I never heard from him again. (well, until a yr later when he secretly dropped some gifts off at my house and work). To be honest, I was so sick of all the drama that, in my heart, I was praying he wouldn't leave. So I guess I got my wish. It just would've been nice if he had told me he couldn't do it. Your situation is a bit different because you told him you could live this way. My exMM had been promising me all those years that he was leaving. And yes, you should expect all of those excuses. If he has been able to live with this for all this time, then its probably been working for him. If nothing else, you'll get your answers and may need to be prepared to go the distance one way or the other. Best of luck.
kymberann Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 We'll be here no matter the outcome. It would certainly change the statistics for these situations if things do go the way you REALLy want them to. Many thoughts! Best
GreenEyedLady Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I wish the best today...don't back down and don't falter...you know what you want now...and you CAN get it...if not from him than from someone else...
Author desperate4change Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 I'm not really sure how to link other threads, but my update can be found on "are you guys there?' This is after he finally called on Sat night.. MM called again on Sunday night, " hey what's up?" just as normal as can be. He knew I was still mad -- he asked if everything was ok. I said, "Uh, no I'm still mad after the way you treated me." He apologized again... I talked about wanting to be normal again... just a rehash of the night before. I'm still wanting to see him face to face tomorrow night (Tues) to have "the talk" Again, I don't want to do this over the phone, I've tried before and failed... I don't know if he knows it coming, but it has to be. I'm ready now.
movinon05 Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 There's nothing worse than having to constantly wait to drop the bomb! Hang in there. I know what you're going through.
ratingsguy Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Again, I don't want to do this over the phone, I've tried before and failed... I don't know if he knows it coming, but it has to be. I'm ready now. Yeah, this is definately something you do in person. Good luck to you! I have a feeling that I'll be in your shoes someday and I can only wish you the best. Keep in mind - if he leaves and doesn't come back, not only was it not meant to be, but it's something you shouldn't want anyway. But here's hoping you beat the odds! It gives the rest of us hope!
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 sorry to ask this but i am confused about what is actually the case here - is this correct - u are asking a married man to leave his wife so u 2 have be together on tuesday? if that's the case - i wish you success. one bit of advice - if u both work, take wedns to do that, slices the work week in two halfs nicely. if u ever feel like talking about that - let me know. i have always wondered how people must feel and in an affair thang - i would think it would constant highs and lows - i barely made it through my last one on one relqationship - i can't even fathom a threesome relationship
Author desperate4change Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 Maybe I haven't been on the forum long enough, would someone be a gem and translate the above for me?
kymberann Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Silent, The Highs are high and the lows are very low and yes, they are constant and on a day to day basis. Always second guessing, always hoping and wanting more, always questioning. I have never done so much crying. It is torture to love someone so much, but at the same time have such doubt! Believe me it happens. How can someone you love so much possibly bring so much pain. I am living proof, it is real! Desperate does not want to be an OW any more. For that I bow down to her. It takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage to make that change and stand your ground. Perhaps for desperate the pain of being with her MM is beginning to outweigh the pain it will take to heal and step out of the R. I can't speak for her of course, but there comes a time when a person can only go so far. I can only hope that when Desperate speak with the MM, the outcome can only go her way. We will have to wait and see. Best to all.
stillhere Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Maybe I haven't been on the forum long enough, would someone be a gem and translate the above for me? Silent is mocking you. Somehow i got that out of all that jibberish.
Author desperate4change Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 If there were an alternate way to handle this situation, I'd take it. I just can't walk away without knowing -- believe me I have thought about this. What if I do, without telling him what it is that I need, walk away... then he'd never know. I'd never know. The situation is -- I want to be in a normal, everyday relationship.. he is the ONLY one who can change the situation. I can't make that magically happen. It's not my life and existence that needs to change, it's his. One thing that has changed, though, is my view. I'm not happy, so I'm doing something about it.
puddleofmud Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 You're giving me jello legs! I don't know how you are holding up so well, but I wish you the best! Hang in there and stay true to YOU... Kisses and lots of Hugs!
oyster Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 If there were an alternate way to handle this situation, I'd take it. I just can't walk away without knowing -- believe me I have thought about this. What if I do, without telling him what it is that I need, walk away... then he'd never know. I'd never know. The situation is -- I want to be in a normal, everyday relationship.. he is the ONLY one who can change the situation. I can't make that magically happen. It's not my life and existence that needs to change, it's his. One thing that has changed, though, is my view. I'm not happy, so I'm doing something about it. you have to let him know your needs, remember never assume. we can only do so much, if you given all your devotion, energy, support up to now, time to tell him what you want. if he stays with you (make plans to seperate) great, but if he doesn't, it will hurt. once you establish this, I say try a 31 day NC just in case he changes his mind. but after 31 days if he has shown no progress, then avoid all communication with him and move on.
Author desperate4change Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 once you establish this, I say try a 31 day NC just in case he changes his mind. After 3+ years, why should I give him anymore time? Either he says 'yes' or 'no' there will be no 'let's just think about this' -- that would be MM saying to me, "let's think about me". This isn't about him -- it's about me. What my needs are. I don't want to sound like I don't care about his needs, I truly, truly do.. I've grown to adore this man over the years. But I'm at a time and place where my needs and happiness are of utmost importance to me (not to mention my kids). He can either step up or step out. Cut my losses and go.. just like a business deal going down. GRRRR Do I feel good or what:D I just had Wheaties for dinner...
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 I wasn't going to post to this thread, but your most recent post almost beckoned to me. If you tell him what you feel with the attitude of your last post, this will not end the way you hope it will, IMHO. I don't think that its wrong to think of your own needs, but most MM are thinking about their own needs to the exclusion of what you need. You are going to have to give him time, because no one was ever divorced in a day. And separation does not equal divorce. I do hope that you stand your ground, but be prepared for things to possibly go very wrong very quickly in this convo. I think that he knows exactly what you are thinking of doing and is avoiding giving you the opportunity to do it.
oyster Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 once you establish this, I say try a 31 day NC just in case he changes his mind. After 3+ years, why should I give him anymore time? Either he says 'yes' or 'no' there will be no 'let's just think about this' -- that would be MM saying to me, "let's think about me". This isn't about him -- it's about me. What my needs are. I don't want to sound like I don't care about his needs, I truly, truly do.. I've grown to adore this man over the years. But I'm at a time and place where my needs and happiness are of utmost importance to me (not to mention my kids). He can either step up or step out. Cut my losses and go.. just like a business deal going down. GRRRR Do I feel good or what:D I just had Wheaties for dinner... if he loves you, he will set you free, if he hangs on, you are just a cheap pain killer (professional therapy cost $$$) why 31 days? from his perspective it will hit him as an ultimatum. you continue moving on with your life within 31 days but nothing too serious. I am using my 31 days and not taking things serious on dating scene because I don't want to screw up someone else life. Past 31 days I will commit to who ever commits to me and we click good luck tomorrow
oyster Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 You are going to have to give him time, because no one was ever divorced in a day. And separation does not equal divorce. well a good start is to start doing it, walk the talk, sign the seperation letter, move out, wait. talking about divorce is like talking about what you would do if you won the lottery:lmao:
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