Guest Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I'm so lost right now that I dont know where to turn. I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 15 years....Married him when I was 21 and we had two children. He has been mentally and physically abusive the entire time and has had numerous affairs...honestly I have lost count. I actually divorced him in 1999 and made a new start for myself and my kids....6 months of being begged and hounded and all the promises that he would change I took him back! We have never remarried but now have 2 more children together. I am totally defendant on him....everything we have belongs to him...I dont even have a car in my name. I have threw away my life for a man who has no respect for me.......all because I have spent my entire life looking for someone to love me. I ask myself everyday why I did this to myself....why cant I be strong? I am so beat down that I dont see a way back up. I want to work so I can get some self worth and get out of this crap but he always uses the kids to make me feel guilty. Our oldest 2 children are involved in alot of sports and he says I should be there with them...and of course he wants me home with our baby. Granted he works very hard and is rarely home but the money he makes he is busy catering to other women ( not knocking OW...as you read you will see i'm an OW myself). I beg him to stop cheating on me and he looks me in the face and tells me he is not going to stop doing what he is doing....then tells me to live with it its not like I have somewhere else to go! That is so devastating to me that Im breaking down just typing this. I gave him my entire life and 4 children....I do everything for him and this is the thanks I get! FU_K IT HURTS!!!! Now on to even more complicated things.....I have know a man for over 10 years that I worked with long ago. We were strictly just friends....stayed in contact as much as possible sometimes not talking for months.....but never a "relationship". 5 months ago all of that changed. After a year or so of not talking to each other our paths crossed. Of course we were delighted to run into each other and the unthinkable has happened. ( In all of the 15 years I have never ran around on the jerk I live with). For once in my life I felt great! We see each other once a week and I have fallen so into him that it is scaring me! I have a huge wall built up from all of the pain I have endured but just this week tried to explain to him how I was feeling about him....I made up my mind last week to end it with him because I know my feelings will only get deeper as time goes on and I know I will end up hurt worse than I already am. I couldn't let him go but after seeing him it only made me hurt worse because I feel like I need him now and I'm beginning to think I am only great sex to him.....for instance he always has time to come bang my brains out and leaves as soon as the deed is done and then I don't hear from him for 3 to 4 days....almost like he keeps just enough contact so he can keep me holding on so he can "DO" me again. I just feel like I need more....I want emotions and feelings and caring! I see that I am not going to get that from him but how the hell do I pull myself out of this when I cant even get the rest of my life straight? I know I need therapy but I have no insurance and have no money to call my own so there is no way to pay for it. I am so sorry for rambling and sounding like a nut case but right now I probably am a nut case! This feels so good to get this off my chest! Thanks for reading if you got this far!
bonehead Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 why are you staying in your current relationship?
silentalways Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 wow. that sounds horrible, u are influenced, and are behaving not because of who u are but because the situation and environment dictates what u can and can't do right now but i think u are not only someone that is just being held back from great things because u fear and think doing something just fer u is a risk take back the power dump them all and if u need a degree - go get it and find a man that will value u
pureinheart Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 OMG Guest, the best thing I think I can do for you is pray....pray that you will not be held back any longer, that you and your kids will have the means to get out of there and those horrible monsters will be kept at bay, that your finances increase to sustain you all, that all of you experience true healing. Please keep posting and I would encourage you to register....I speak peace and restoration into your life and the kids.... One of my marriages was really abusive....I was worn and beaten down....I remember laying on the bathroom just crying asking God to move for me, to somehow get me out of this..... After that I saw one miracle right after the other....had more money than I knew what to with, got my old job back....the world was totally wide open for me....it can happen to you too. When things do change for you, and they will....please don't look back...get help so that this destructive cycle is broken...
pureinheart Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 why are you staying in your current relationship? It's really hard Bonehead....abusers can strip one of all power, self worth, ect...causing the abusee to think there is no way out....abuser at this point does have all of the control. These situations are scarey, when the abusee does try for independance, the abuser freaks out, making freedom a negative experience. This type of personality is dangerous because you never no what they are going to do next. As long as the abuser has control they are ok, when they start loosing the control they are capable of just about anything. I have been lucky, and I hope guest is too
Spinderella Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 wow. that sounds horrible, u are influenced, and are behaving not because of who u are but because the situation and environment dictates what u can and can't do right now but i think u are not only someone that is just being held back from great things because u fear and think doing something just fer u is a risk take back the power dump them all and if u need a degree - go get it and find a man that will value u Yeah, great post! Except that I think it would be pretty had to go and get a degree when you're alone with 3 children and a baby. Perhaps you could get the degree before you leave. It is fear holding you back. And guilt for thinking of yourself. Of course it will take superhuman strength to get out of both of these relationships, but, just think of the freedom. Neither man respects you, not because of you, but because of them. Go out and get yourself a life. Maybe some sort of womens aid group can support you. How about family, are they supportive? Gather as much support from wherever you can (except married men, you won't get support there, even if they promise you it as a ploy to get sex), and leave him. You may feel weak now and with hardly the strength to do this, but it is the situation that is making you weak. Once you are out, although initially you may feel weaker, you will gain strength that you can hardly remember having, if at all.
puddleofmud Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 plz go to this site: http://www.ndvh.org/ you will also find a hot line # to call Leaving an abusive relationship takes a well thought out and well organized plan (you can find these recommended plans on the internet and this site) w/ help from professionals. You need no money to get this type of help and every city has persons trained in this area--including the police. All you need do is stick to the plan, step by step. Part of it will be making sure that your abusive spouse knows nothing about it but the police and other trusted professionals will know. You may need an order of protection (much different than a restraining order). You can leave w/out money, a job, etc. and the least dangerous time to leave is when things are quiet not when things escalate. Also, consultation w/ an attorney is free. If you can't go to an office just explain your situation and ask for a phone consultation. It could be that your spouse can be forced to provide for you whether he likes it or not. That could start as soon as you are out the door if it is part of your "plan". The plans let you know what kind of records to copy and get out of the house ASAP so you will have then ready when you need them without having to go back. Take care of yourself and your children--you all deserve a happy, healthy life!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Guest: You are more than a R, you are a person...YOU can do anything that you set your mind to...You have taken the biggest step so far by coming here...You acknowledge that there is a problem and that what is happening to you shouldn't be happening to anybody... Do you have family that you can go and stay with? You have left him once and you can leave him once and for all...You have the strength that you need to change your life or you wouldn't have come here at all...It is hard but YOU CAN DO IT! Not only for yourself, but for your children...
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