My breakup - NC if possible?

[Haliburton92]

OK, so I need some thoughts on my breakup. Here's the background:

 

I started "seeing" this girl from work. She sat next to me at the time. It was great. Passionate, and we clicked very well. I would say we were sort of friends, but it never really got to us hanging out before the affair started.

 

I quoted the word "seeing" and used the word affair for specific reasons. She had a live-in boyfirned at the time. Things were going badly for the 2 of them. So, we snuck around for months. Then they ended up breaking up. With good reasons. She wanted that, he didn't, finally he threw in the towel and moved out. They didn't speak for a while. Then, becuse they own a house together, and have projects to finish up, they contacted each other again. She didn't want to get back together with him though. Anyhow, because of their history and the fact that they were probably more friends than gf/bf they have stayed friends after the initial contact back.

 

In the meantime, her best friend of years confesses his love for her because she's now single. This ends up being too much for her. Me, her best friend and her ex. She needs space. This probably got nudged a bit by me as my contact with her became more frequent (i.e. phone calls) after she broke up with her BF. I also started having some expectations on her calling me back, as I didn't have that before since she was cheating and I left her alone when we weren't together/at work. When I did, it was simply a text message where if she replied, great, if not, I understood.

 

So, one day she tells me this space thing, and I'm pretty upset about it. However she tells me her feelings for have not changed. She still loved me. And I belive it. She previously told me that she never felt for anyone what she felt for me.

 

So great, in my mind - I'll give her some space, she'll figure some stuff out, and we'll be back together. For about 2 days this is fine, but then I get needy. Let's get back together, do you want to be with me, I love you, etc. Big mistake. I push her a little bit away.

 

So one Friday, at work I make plans to get a few drinks with her. She says fine. Hoever as the end of the day nears, her ex-bf calls and say he needs her to go to the hardware store to pick stuff up to do work on the house. So she agrees to that. At which point I'm kinda somber. She picks up on it, I tell her it's a flakey thing to do to cancel on me last min, she finally agrees, and we got get our drinks.

 

While there, we are just chatting, we remenisce a little bit, and I kiss her. She reciprocates, and we are both in a good mood. She's gotta go soo, so I walk her to her car, we exchange I love you's. She's mad at herself for needing space.

 

The next Monday I say I want to hang out with her at her place. She agrees, but is kinda apprehensive. So quiting time comes, and she says she's just got a lot of work to do. Here's where I turned into someone I'm not - She takes off, I call her, we are arguing a little bit, so I ask if I can call her back? She say OK. Now, I hop into my car, drive to her place, knock on the door and it freaks her out as she wasn't expecting me - and her ex is coming over soon to do laundry (I should mention that her ex suspected something was going on with me). So I bail quickly. Call her, and tell her I'll come over after he leaves. She says she'll see me tomorrow. So like a fool, I do something that I have never done before, never will again, and can't understand why I did it this night. I wait a while and show back up. Lights on in the house, but no answer. I figured she wasn't home. So I drive around for a while, and keep some tabs on the house (I know, I know - totally psycho ughh I'm so ashamed of myself).

 

Next day she is pissed! She knew I did the psycho thing too! I never denied it, and admitted to it. She won't speak to me. I can't blame her either. She said that before the previous night she thought we might be able to work out, but now she's certina we won't.

 

So anyhow, I ended up smoothing things over a little bit the next day (Wed) and she's in a place where we can be friends. Great (that's sarcasm).

 

So that takes me to today. I've done a little more of the needy stuff - like do you think we have a chance in the future, etc. Well, she says she doesn't see how. She admits that she doesn't believe that person that night is who I am (which it really isn't). But she just can't forget about it and she doesn't need that drama in her life. She's right, I get that.

 

So we are on speaking terms, and I try to keep it light. I've hugged her since then, telling her I miss her. I think she sincerely hugs back, as they are good hugs.

 

Anyhow, I do want to get back together, and I do think she still loves me (somewhere in there) - I just pushed her away. I told her I need to be just work friends right now as I need my space to get over her. And that I don't like what I did and that I need my space for that as well. She agrees that's the best course of action, and that we will work towards a real friendship once I have my space. Man I sound like a wuss typing this out. That's not me.

 

So - I've made it clear in this post that my self-esteem took a hit and so did my confidence. 2 things that I used to have and that I'm sure she was attracted to.

 

Now I have to give her some credit. She really does want to be friends with me. She never told me to f off. She has taken the time to talk with me - even if it was reluctantly. So now I'm in a work friend situation where things are pretty one-sided (I initiate contact w/ her, rarely the other way around). It's tough to work, and not think about here (we don't sit next to each other anymore because we moved locations, not due to this whole thing).

 

Now, should I try the NC thing? Keep in mind that it won't be completely NC as we work together. Also there is a delicate situation of us being buds at work, and people would notice if we stopped being that.

 

Thoughts? How should I proceed? (I do want her back). And yes I'm a dope for pushing her away.

[notmakingsense]

If your feelings for her are still strong, then I would drop the contact down to a minimum and keep it light and funny when you do talk to her. Let her call you first and generally don't drop everything to talk to her if she does call -- be busy! Also, never, ever bring up the relationship or talk about her about those kinds of things. You can tease her and flirt a little to let her know you are interested, but nothing serious -- this is important! Come across as genuinely interested in her, but that you are also moving on and living your own life.

 

Be prepared to hear things that will upset you -- like her seing other guys. If this would upset you, then go NC full-on. Certainly never respond with jealousy. Suck it up, smile, and act happy for her -- even if it is tearing you up inside.

 

In the mean-time, don't make it all an act. Follow through and really start focusing on your friends and social life seperately from her. I would strongly suggest you go out a bit and date others. This will open your eyes to other options, and it will probably also cause her to show her true colors so-to-speak. If she shows signs of jealousy, then you know she still has feelings for you. Don't mess-around with other women though -- if you aren't ready to let go of her, then other women should be told the truth about you not being ready for a relationship and just dating casually for now.

[Haliburton92]

Thanks for the reply. I think I should give some more background (and sorry for the spelling errors in my initial post - boy is that post long, so thanks for reading it too).

 

She still sits nearby me. If she didn't, I'd have no problem with the NC thing (really it would be much, much easier). The main issue is that we both smoke. That's really how this whole thing started, with us both going out for smokes and getting to know each other while having a smoke. Anyhow, we still go out for smokes. When I go out for one, I message her computer asking - smoke? and usually she says: sure. It's usually me asking her to have one. Now, if I just went out for one without asking her.... well, it would be obvious I'm avoiding her. Not very "friendly" - these are the types of eggshells I am walking on with this "friendship". She'd notice and while she wouldn't say anything, her response would be to not ask me when she goes out for a smoke, and then things get real awk. as there is a moose on the table. Does this make sense?

 

How do I know this? Earlier this week, I went out for a smoke without asking her. A couple of hours later she did the same - without asking me. I know it was because I didn't ask her. However there are times I ask her to go, and she says she's fine right now. Kills me as that's not how it used to be (I digress... grunt).

 

Also, when we both go out, now I feel like I'm on stage. I have to be light, I have to be funny, I have to rib her (which sometimes goes over well, sometimes not so much - or maybe I'm just being too sensetive to it). Otherwise we just stand there and say nothing. Not fun (for either of us as she's commented on it before). So the conversations are something to the effect of:

 

"So what are you doing tonight?"

"Going out w/ X, Y, Z to bar X"

 

sometimes the question is reciprocated, sometimes not - problem is I don't really have much to tell. So I sometimes make something up.

 

"How did it go last night at bar x?"

"fine.. blah, blah, blah"

 

Basically ridiculous small talk.

 

I can sneak out though. So maybe that's what I should do, so I'm not initiating the contact.

 

Anyhow, obviously the last she knew, I'm still pining over her. Should I have the conversation with her that goes something like:

 

"I've been thinking about the situation, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm good with it. The deck was stacked up against us from the beginning (see the living w/ he bf in previous post). So I thought about it, and agree that I just don't think we'd ever work out. Besides, I think the main reason I was off my rocker was because my ego was hurt. It's not anymore. If we become friends, great, if not, that's ok too. I've spent too much energy on this in the past - I'm spent - and as a result my mind hasn't been on it for days. So just wanted to let you know, I'm OK with how things are. Really"

 

Or is this talking too much about the relationship again? I get this feeling that it's important for me to let her know that I'm not in that pining/needy place anymore - even if I still am.

 

Man am I all confused.

 

So, how do I handle that, and the smoke breaks?

[phyrespryte]

You could just quit smoking.

 

Or you could just treat her like an annoying co-worker. Stop asking her to join you on the cigarette breaks. If she asks you to join her...do it, but don't stay with her the whole time. Let your conversations with her be pleasant, but brief. Always end it first and stop making up stories about going out...

 

Wait actually I think that's hilarious that you do that, I kind of wish I had thought of that. But really all that lying is stressing you out and isn't necessary. All you have to do is be vague and say something like...Oh hanging out with some friends, not sure where we're going though. You don't have to give her an itinerary of your plans.

 

I'm not sure why you need to let her know that you're over her. I wouldn't tell her all that stuff. It'll have the exact opposite effect and make it seem like you're really not over her. If you stop paying so much attention to her...it'll be clear that you're over her.

[D-Lish]

You're overthinking things too much here.

You don't need to ask her out for a smoke everytime you go.

I would definitely stop having much contact with her for the time being. Yes, she may be a little overwhelmed by the stalkerish behaviour and the other stuff she has going on in her life at the moment. So, that is even better reason to pull away.

 

I'll tell you a story... I once dated a guy, and one day he came over and I was feeling really ill, so I asked him to go home and give me some space because I was sooo sick and out of it. I fell asleep on the couch and at 3:30am I awoke because I heard sounds on my front porch...and there he was, peering in my front window. I was so angry. He had thought I was blowing him off because I had another date! I was pissed and I sent him home AGAIN. The next morning I get up to let my dogs out and there he is at my back door waiting for me to get up. he had stayed there all night! I broke up with him after that... and he continued to come on strong for a while. Finally, he stopped. When he stopped, and I had a chance to get some space from him... I eventually did re-initiate contact and we did start dating again.

 

So, the moral of the story is.... No Conact is the best course of action. When I saw he wasn't chasing me anymore, I started wondering why, and I started realizing I missed him. I'm not saying this can happen for you to- but your chances are better if you go missing in action for a while. you want to start making her wonder why you aren't chasing her anymore. Become a challenge to her and she might frind herself attracted again.

 

D

[silentalways]

damn this no contact ideology! everyone and their pet elephant swears by it and i hate it! hate it!

 

but, i have to admit, it has helped me heal and move on - guess i hate it because i didn't want to do that

 

curses! breakup rule book must burn in hell! lol

[ladyeve]

Don't mean to be harsh but have you ever thought that she was just using you as a transition person? She was probably too afraid of being alone to get out of that relationship in the first place until you came along. Nothing's wrong with you but now that she knows she's plenty attractive in the single world she's going to explore her options. That's how humans are. You played an important role in jumping start the next phase of her romantic life but the transition person seldom lasts very long. I've seen this happen a lot. Also, sorry to say this but you kind of brought all this bad karma on yourself by sneaking around with her while her ex thought they were still in a relationship. Two more warnings:

 

1. The ex is probably pretty motivated to get her back right now, using the house as an excuse to continue to see her. Are you really in a position to compete?

 

2. Ideally she needs quite a bit of alone time to heal before she can jump into another serious relationship. If she doesn't do that her next relationship(s) are likely to repeat some of the same mistakes that she made before. Don't fool yourself thinking that you will fix everything, and that you will be the perfect and forever guy for her.

 

I wish you could prove me wrong though. And you can start by doing NC, I suppose.

[Haliburton92]

D-Lish-

 

Thanks!! I think your advice is great. Why is it soooo hard to keep level headed in a situation like this?!?!? You're right, I'm over-thinking it. In fact, I really need to just let her be. Chances are she'll miss our interactions and will contact me more and more often.

 

For some strange reason I reacted all wrong, and continue to do so. I have to keep telling myself to stop it, and even then it's a struggle.

[Haliburton92]

Ladyeve-

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Completely plausible. Completely. Maybe I just want to believe what I want to believe, but I'm pretty sure she was in love with me. And still is, just that I pushed her pretty far away. Afterall, she has taken the time to entertain my craziness - even if she was annoyed by it. Anyhow, I do believe it. You're right that she might not.

 

As for the ex. Oh he's trying to get back together with her. He even asked her to start dating again. She said that she's not entertaining anything right now. She just needs her space. So she's really serious about that. But really, I'm not all that concerned about her getting back together with him permanently. They were together a long time. They had their issues. And really, even if they were to get back together the issues woud re-surface again at some point. You can't change someone. The things she wants from him require him changing as a person. So will she entertain him trying to change? Maybe, but as I said, ultimately it will go back. I really believe they are just great friends, and that's where it will end up eventually.

[Haliburton92]

OK, Just give the latest. Holiday party last night. I actualy had 2 to go to. The work one, and one of my friends. Anyhow, I show up at the work one, and I knew she would be there, and there with her ex (and I really do believe they are not back together, but are just friends even though he wants more). So I go into the party, talk with a bunch of people for a while, and I do notice she was stealing a few glances (well at least one) towards me. Anyhow, I only stay about an hour, never make it to having a conversation with her.

 

So I about to leave and I head for the front door. I bump into both of them. He shakes my hand, says hey, why am I eaving so soon, so I keep it light and say I have to run to another party, but it was good seeing both of them. Then I take off.

 

I actually think last night worked well in my favor. I noticed she stole a glance in the night, and as I was leaving I was going to more important things.

 

Anyhow, I did have fun at both parties, even though this is still on my mind and I am probably thinking about it too much.

[D-Lish]

You'd be surprised how acting like you don't care can be so effective.

 

As for the crazy things we do sometimes when we love somebody...

well, we all do it.

 

Doesn't her ex have suspicions about you two?

He's got to be a bit of a dumbass to not have picked up on it.

[mav100]

You'd be surprised how acting like you don't care can be so effective.

 

Words that are more true have never been spoken. It's just hard for us all to do that sometimes when our heart is screaming at us to try to save things.

 

Funny thing is the only way you can save it is by letting go. Sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don't. I've had one come back before, and many more NOT come back. The one that did come back loved me. The ones that didn't never really cared. Keep that in mind, and stay strong.

[Haliburton92]

"Doesn't her ex have suspicions about you two?

He's got to be a bit of a dumbass to not have picked up on it."

 

He does, or did. I don't know if he still does. When we were together, she told me he suspected something with me (at this point he had never even met me). Not sure how he suspected me - probably just her talking about her day and he picked up on something.

 

So I met him at a different work party. She thought by meeting me he would not believe it anymore. So fine. He met me. We got along well, and when he left that night he said something to the effect of "I'll definately see you later" (not in a threatening way - in a lets hang out sometime way as it was clear he liked me). Kinda weird. She told me he still had his suspicions after that meet. Oh well, nothing I can do about that.

 

So last night, I did leave out that as I was leaving he re-itterated that we should get together. Doubt I'll ever do that though. Talk about putting myself in a situation that isn't appropriate. Interesting to note that she said that when we figure out how to be frineds outside of work, we will have to figure out how to work our friendship with theirs - as they hang out all the time. So it was to say that if we are going to hang out, she's not gonna be rude and ditch him and not ask him to come along (he's basically over their place all the time). I don't know, it sounds very complicated and I suspect that either we get back together or we're not friends (I even hinted at that to her last week, to which she questioned my motivation for being friends - to get back together with her. While it's not my motivation, I'm really not sure if I can be friends with her for a long time without being with her - even if she can be). Does this make sense?

 

As for being a dumbass - actually I think last night might have made it seem as if we weren't together - since the contact I had with them/her was basically nothing. So I think he prob. (but this is just my pure speculation) thinks that it was crazy what he thought before. Afterall, there was zero flirting going on, in fact there was basically zero interaction and it was a natural lack of interaction. I really don't care about this angle though. He can believe/not believe anything he wants. It really doesn't effect me. But I've only met the guy 2X.

 

I came across (at least I think I did) as someone who could have cared less about the interaction (and we know that's not true!).

 

BTW D-lish, I've read a lot of your other posts out there and I have to say you're pretty inspiring. Thank you for following this whole thread and chiming in. I appreciate your advice.

 

Now, my clinginess is gonna come through (how pathetic is this?) - based on the story I've itterated so far (and I know it's snippets), do you have a feel for my future chances? I know I have to continue to play it cool.

[D-Lish]

To be honest, it sounds like the girl is pretty confused.

I don't think she knows what she wants.

 

And why is she hanging around her ex so much if she has no interest in getting back with him? If I were you, that would bother me quite a bit. The fact that she cheated on him with you should also be a red flag for you- it gives you a glimpse of her character. It should tell you that she has no qualms about cheating on a boyfriend. That means that if the two of you dated exclusively that she might cheat on you too!

 

Maybe affairs excite her and relationships don't.

 

I do think that playing it cool and indifferent is the way to go here. Let her come to you from now on.

It sounds as if she has a whole lot of figuring out to do before she'll be ready to make any decisions at all. That is why any sort if pressure will scare her away.

 

You're playing it well by being standoffish with her- keep that up.

D

[Haliburton92]

I agree she's pretty confused.

 

Really I think she's hanging out with her ex a lot because it feels good. It's familiar. And she's confused. I think she wants her space to figure it all out. And I agree with the character thing to a degree. I really believe (and maybe I'm naive here) that the relationship was over for a long time, and they just settled into being frineds a long time ago. I mean after 8 years of being together she couldn't say she wanted to be with him, but he is her best friend, and he's good to her. So I think she was looking for a way out - which is maybe all I was (I don't know - I don't believe that though). Now that she got out, I think she got overwhelmed by me, him, and her best friend. To further add to it, I got needy. Whoah, talk about really slamming the confusion home. The biggest gripe I have (but I can't gripe about it) is that is she needs her space, take it - but take it from everyone. I should note that he didn't get needy. He really just hung out w/ her and did work around the house, and kept things light. Basically what I should have been doing.

 

Her response to hanging out with him? Well, he's paying 1/2 the mortgage so it's not like she can tell him he's not welcome to come over. And her family loves him and is torn up about them not being together, the whole shebang. Also, I really think she loves the guy - just isn't in love with him. He's a great friend to her. And really I don't think she thought of him as her BF anymore when she cheated on him. She said they both acknowleged considerable emotional distance from each other before the affair atarted.

 

So yeah, I think the affair excited her. But I also think there was more there. We used to talk (initially after her breakup with him) and we'd talk for hours and connect pretty deeply.

 

I know, I know, it totally sounds like I'm seeing what I want to see.