caught my husband of 35 years in a affair

[Guest]

good afternoon.... about 8 months ago, I came home two days early from a long business trip to find my husband in bed with his girlfriend...(i come to find they've been together 29 years )(He said it was an accident, he meant to break it off years ago but she has been his soft place to fall when he and I are having problems)(She was and has been our neighbour for the past 29 years,and has that perfect june cleaver persona)

 

I don't know what to do.... we had a great marriage...alot of good memories together... he's a good father,helps arounds the house, hard worker, never forgets the little things,(like my birthday,ect.)

When I found them, I thought I was going to have a heart attack: he says he's really sorry, he wants to go to counseling,and work on our marriage, but I caught him on the phone with her, talking dirty and planning to vacation at our condo in orlando.

 

This has aged me about ten years, I feel so stupid and guilty for not knowing that we were having such problems. people tell me leave him and start over again, ( I am heading towards 60, it's easier said than done) All we do is fight anymore, and often feel like I am going to have an heart attack...Help!!!!!!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

This has aged me about ten years, I feel so stupid and guilty for not knowing that we were having such problems. people tell me leave him and start over again, ( I am heading towards 60, it's easier said than done) All we do is fight anymore, and often feel like I am going to have an heart attack.

 

First and formost... please prioritize your health. If you're having palpitations, see your doctor ASAP.

 

Next, I can't believe the guy said it was an "accident". For 29 years???

Good grief, he expects you to buy into the 'accidental affair' story?

 

Listen... you can't feel "guilty" for marital problems that your husband dealt with by having a girlfriend for 29 years. It's total codswallop. He couldn't find a few minutes to take you aside and hash out the issues with you... in 29 YEARS. Puh-leeze.

 

My best advice to you is to get some individual counseling (IC). Who knows, you might find that you're happier without him if THIS is the best he can do. But do talk it over with somebody. 35 years is a long time.

 

Life is short, and getting shorter Guest. I'm thinking if it was me though, I wouldn't want to spend the golden years of my life with a hoary old goat who couldn't keep his pecker in his pants.

 

Maybe OW would like to buy his Depends for him. Meanwhile, YOU can be squeezing the juice out of whatever life has left to offer. Just a thought.

[samsungxoxo]

What a story, so he accidently met his g/f for 29 years behind your back, LOL, that story deserves a noble piece of **** prize. Hope you get him out of the house right away and you also might want to buy a different bed.

 

Now if he wanted to carry on his affair, why didn't he at least have some respect to go somewhere else like on a hotel, not on his wife's roof, total disrespect and insulting.

 

[Guest]

What a story, so he accidently met his g/f for 29 years behind your back, LOL, that story deserves a noble piece of **** prize.

 

Good evening,

 

Thank you for you post it made me smile .. sounds like something my son )(HE'S 28)said... he is really worried about my health deteriorating the way it has, says

he wants me to be around to see his little girl grow up,, volunteered to help me to pack his father's things, (quite frankly, If and when we part ways, I want to start fresh...( If I stay the OW will still be my neigbour)....I want to start fresh.. My daughter, on the other hand is mad at me for not figuring it out sooner,

As for the bed situation, I cant sleep in that room period, I usely sleep in the guest bedroom with the door locked or at my office... ( I bought a pullout bed for that purpose)...

Thank for that post made me smile a bit,

Sincerely,

Janet

[Guest]

[Life is short, and getting shorter Guest. I'm thinking if it was me though, I wouldn't want to spend the golden years of my life with a hoary old goat who couldn't keep his pecker in his pants.

 

Maybe OW would like to buy his Depends for him. Meanwhile, YOU can be squeezing the juice out of whatever life has left to offer. Just a thought.

 

 

My son, is one of the people who has really been my rock... he took me in front of the mirror and said he didn't want my health to deteriorate any more than it already has... he wants me to stick around a see his daughter ( my granddaughter grow up) She is almost two.

 

You know how I said they are going to our condo... for a long weekend.. i am thinking of having all the locks changed.. without telling him... just a thought..

[whichwayisup]

My daughter, on the other hand is mad at me for not figuring it out sooner,

 

Did she know? Either way, she has NO right to be mad at you.

 

I'm glad that you have support to get you through this. And please, go to your DR so you can be fully checked out.

 

Sorry for your pain. You don't deserve this!

[Ladyjane14]

My son, is one of the people who has really been my rock... he took me in front of the mirror and said he didn't want my health to deteriorate any more than it already has... he wants me to stick around a see his daughter ( my granddaughter grow up) She is almost two.

 

You know how I said they are going to our condo... for a long weekend.. i am thinking of having all the locks changed.. without telling him... just a thought..

 

Have you thought much about what you want the final outcome to be, Guest? Do you want to stay with him or do you want a divorce?

 

Changing locks and verbal sparring is only going to ramp up the negative energy. The negative energy is CLEARLY having an effect on your health. Your son is worried about you. He must have a reason for that.

 

My best suggestion for you is that you concentrate solely on what you need to do for yourself right now. See your doctor. Set up some IC so you can get some professional support. Make an appointment with an attorney and explore your options. Eat right. Sleep right. And be good to yourself.

 

Give some thought to removing yourself from this chaos. Normally, I wouldn't advise someone to leave the family home, but in your case... your health is at risk. The better bet is probably to de-stress now, and recoup your losses later with your attorney's assistance.

 

In most states, you can't change the locks and deny access to a domestic partner who has ownership in the property. The exception might be if he had moved out for long enough that he was taking his mail somewhere else, or if he's a threat to your person.

 

Sometimes changing locks can discourage a guy who doesn't really want to fight about it. But if he's willing to raise a fuss... he's more than likely going to be granted access anyway. So the question is... what kind of reaction to you expect he'd have?

[Curmudgeon]

...he wants to go to counseling,and work on our marriage, but I caught him on the phone with her, talking dirty and planning to vacation at our condo in orlando.

 

...I feel so stupid and guilty for not knowing that we were having such problems. people tell me leave him and start

 

...I am heading towards 60, it's easier said than done.

 

 

Presupposing that he's your age or a bit older, the main reason he might want to pay lip service to working on your marriage is financial. You have assets that would have to be split. His actions belie the fact that he's sincere.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty. Only you had a problem and you didn't know it. He had no problem whatsoever. He was getting the best of both worlds and enjoying it.

 

Remember, all of us are heading towards 60. Some are closer than others. I am 60 and believe me, life doesn't stop at this age or even come close to it.

 

Under the circumstances I'd consult with an attorney, find out if you place yourself at any kind of futurer financial risk by leaving your husband's love nest and if not, I'd be out of there and filing. Ordinarily I believe in working on a marriage but this one has been a lie for 29 years and I don't think there's anything substantive there to save.

[stillafool]

Ordinarily I believe in working on a marriage but this one has been a lie for 29 years and I don't think there's anything substantive there to save.

 

 

I agree, if he has been seeing this woman for 29 years and has been married to you for 35 he is just as much married to her (in your husband's mind) as he is you. He isn't going to just let her go at this point and him planning on staying at your vacation house with her is proof of it. The fact that he had no respect but to sleep in your house and bed with her is almost unforgivable. Lucky for you you are still working and know how to take care of yourself. I'd let her have him.

[shortnsassy]

good afternoon.... about 8 months ago, I came home two days early from a long business trip to find my husband in bed with his girlfriend...(i come to find they've been together 29 years )(He said it was an accident, he meant to break it off years ago but she has been his soft place to fall when he and I are having problems)(She was and has been our neighbour for the past 29 years,and has that perfect june cleaver persona)

 

I don't know what to do.... we had a great marriage...alot of good memories together... he's a good father,helps arounds the house, hard worker, never forgets the little things,(like my birthday,ect.)

When I found them, I thought I was going to have a heart attack: he says he's really sorry, he wants to go to counseling,and work on our marriage, but I caught him on the phone with her, talking dirty and planning to vacation at our condo in orlando.

 

This has aged me about ten years, I feel so stupid and guilty for not knowing that we were having such problems. people tell me leave him and start over again, ( I am heading towards 60, it's easier said than done) All we do is fight anymore, and often feel like I am going to have an heart attack...Help!!!!!!!!!

!!35 years!!, how could you go for that long and not noing it. i say drop him. if he has been seeing her that long . by now he has falling inlove with her. no matter what he tells you dont believe him at all. you no now it will never work. he loves this women. how could he not. he has growed to love her. lord how mercy. One question HOW CAN A MAN HAVE IN AFFair FOR 35 YEARS NOT GET CAUGHT. BOY HE MUST BE PROFFESIONAL AT HIS WORK, GOOD LUCK.

[MOMMIE]

Okay, I'm crying.....I'm just so sorry for you...There are just no words...

[Guest]

Okay, I'm crying.....I'm just so sorry for you...There are just no words...[/QUO

 

good evening: thank you for that are you going through a rough patch in your/marriage life as well...please email...

[Guest]

!!35 years!!, how could you go for that long and not knowing it. i say drop him. if he has been seeing her that long . by now he has falling in love with her. no matter what he tells you don't believe him at all. you no now it will never work. he loves this women. how could he not. he has grown to love her. lord how mercy. One question HOW CAN A MAN HAVE IN AFFair FOR 35 YEARS NOT GET CAUGHT. BOY HE MUST BE PROFESIONAL AT HIS WORK, GOOD LUCK.[/QUO

 

we were friends for a very long time before we married.

He helped me take care of my elderly mother before she passed away..( she was an extremely difficult person)

He worked with me and helped out with the kids and was a great father

I miscarried twice before I had my son, and we worked through that..

We made love quite frequently, until I found out about this.

7 years ago, I had cancer, (PRETTY ADVANCED STAGE) he used to come see me every day..

Yes, this was my neighbor, but we were not friends or anything.. we saw them every once in while, I preadventure to say we had them over a handful of times over the years..

 

I dunno what to think or say anymore.. I have all these great memories beneath a lie...

I feel like I am grieving a death of someone I deeply loved....

[GirlFromOz]

Guest,

 

My thoughts are with you. Only you will know what the best course of action for you is, but it will probably take some time to be able to think rationally, so don't try to rush into making any long-term decisions until you feel absolutely ready.

 

I am so sorry that your cowardly, weak husband has done this to you & basically tarnished all of your family memories for the past 29 years. Whenever you have to go past your neighbour's home, please hold your head up high, knowing that you are so much more of a person than she could ever hope to be. They may have knocked you down but you can get back up again knowing that you have always done the right thing by your self & your family. Your husband & his mistress cannot do that.

 

I wish you kindness & happiness for your future.

[jmargel]

I couldn't imagine the emotions you are going through. Though I believe the 5 stages of grief are something that you will be going through. Even though he is alive, a big part of him to you, is dead.

 

There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

 

 

 

The five stages of grief are:

 

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

 

 

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

 

 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

 

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

 

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

As for staying or leaving him, I can't tell you what to do nor can anyone else. However living such a huge lie all these years would be more than I would think anyone could absorb.

 

Please know that him cheating was not a result of anything you said, done or has anything to do with your personality or character. This is all him. This is something he needs to live the rest of his life with. Whether or not this is affecting his conscious, I don't know. I would imagine he needs counseling for himself to actually deal with what he has done to you. Nevertheless this woman's husband is going through the samething as you, so talking to him as well might help.

 

Your story is so similiar to my aunt's. They were married for over 30 years, had a daughter, same age as your son's. Perfect husband to her & his daughter. 6 months before he suddendly died, they fulfilled a dream and went to ireland.

 

The day he passed away, was unexpected. Heart attack, in front of her in their house. She was devestated, her best friend, her love for 30+ years was gone.

 

What was more shocking was two weeks later she found a small safe, that she never knew about. Finally got it open by a locksmith and what was inside crushed her. Pictures of him & a mistress he had. They lived in NJ, and all these trips he would take to NY to see his brother was actually to see his mistress. There was also divorce papers signed by him, that was never taken to the courthouse. Whether or not he wanted to divorce his wife, or just to get the OW to think he was doing so, we'll never know. She has no clue who this OW is and now she has all these questions that will never be answered.

 

Everything she had with him, as well you had with yours has been tainted. All the 'I love yous', the special occasions, the holidays, the anniversaries, the intimate moments.. all tarnished because you don't truly know or now feel the love that you should have been given all these years.

 

Honestly this is beyond torture on what he's done. Even though this is such a devestating blow, you *must* pick yourself up and continue. Concentrate on the children, and your grandchild. Know that even though he's done this to you, having your children and grandchildren was something awesome that came out of this.

 

I would highly suggest counseling for yourself, this is something you should not have to go through with by yourself.

[shortnsassy]

!!35 years!!, how could you go for that long and not knowing it. i say drop him. if he has been seeing her that long . by now he has falling in love with her. no matter what he tells you don't believe him at all. you no now it will never work. he loves this women. how could he not. he has grown to love her. lord how mercy. One question HOW CAN A MAN HAVE IN AFFair FOR 35 YEARS NOT GET CAUGHT. BOY HE MUST BE PROFESIONAL AT HIS WORK, GOOD LUCK.[/QUO

 

we were friends for a very long time before we married.

He helped me take care of my elderly mother before she passed away..( she was an extremely difficult person)

He worked with me and helped out with the kids and was a great father

I miscarried twice before I had my son, and we worked through that..

We made love quite frequently, until I found out about this.

7 years ago, I had cancer, (PRETTY ADVANCED STAGE) he used to come see me every day..

Yes, this was my neighbor, but we were not friends or anything.. we saw them every once in while, I preadventure to say we had them over a handful of times over the years..

 

I dunno what to think or say anymore.. I have all these great memories beneath a lie...

I feel like I am grieving a death of someone I deeply loved....

i'am sorry but that does not excuse him for what he did to you. if he loved you there should not be no other women in his life at all. i'm pissed off just reading what he did to you. i'm glad he help you he was there for you at least he does have feelings. But 35 years of hell. may i ask how old was he when he started haveing his affair. 35 years is a very long time. are you accepting him with this other women as long he is helping you?? i think he should help you. but not live in the same house with him. i would be moveing out of the neighborhood where i could not see her. and move on. this does not excuse your husband. you sound like a very good person. i no when you seen them together it was offerthat would give any body an heart attack. One question? how would your husband feel if you went out on hin for 35 years? i'll give you the answer. he would kill you. or beat you up. and seriously hurt the other man. i'm so pissed off. SORRY:mad:

[LakesideDream]

I am so sad for you. It really is a shame. I delt with a similar situation six years ago, a 25 year marriage ending... finding out my ex cheated with the same guy off and on for 24 years.

 

Possibly the worst aspect is losing your good memories. I know that was devistating for me. I don't have any advice on how to avoid it either. When everything good is tainted by lies... all those smiling moments dissappear.

 

Please keep in mind that it may take awhile to deal with it emotionally. It took me nearly 5 years. I still hate the woman.

 

Don't let the stress kill you. See a Doc, get your health squared away. You sound like you are having "panic attacks" and those can be very serious at our age, leading to much worse conditions.

 

Good luck. I will be keeping good thoughts for you. Oh.. and take him for every single penny you can. Don't be compassionate, or gentle. Get yourself a super shark attorney and grind the cruddud into dust. I didn't and I've regretted it every day since D day.

[Guest]

may i ask how old was he when he started having his affair.

we have been married 35 years, he has been having this affair for 29 years...

he will turn 61 this aug...(leo)