Yes, I Looked At Naked Women

[garvis]

I'll first say that I love my wife more than anything. I truly mean that. I love her in more ways that I could ever describe.

 

On occasion I would go online and look at pictures of naked women. When I say "naked women" I mean women from Playboy magazine. Well, my wife learned that I was doing this on a couple of occasions. He got upset and let me know that she felt bad about it. I apologized and tried to explain myself. I'm coming to the conclusion that this has bothered her much more than I understood. I think she is feeling low self esteem when thinking about this. I want to help her feel better.

 

But why did I look at naked women? I really don't fully understand myself. I have also posted in this forum about retroactive jealousy I feel. I do know that I on occasion have low self esteem. Was I doing this to disconnect from my feelings? I always thought that I looked online at women because I was "lazy". Maybe I do this to feel better about myself? After all, you cannot really be rejected by pictures. Or am I searching for deeper meanings, when there really isn't any?

 

My goal is to first feel better about myself and be more open and intimate with my wife. I adore her. I want her to feel better about herself too. I just don't know how to explain to her why I looked at pictures naked women. I want to her believe me when I say that's all I did. I promised her that I wouldn't do this anymore. And I have been true to that promise.

 

Can anyone else share similar experiences? Thanks in advance

[bab]

I would guess that you looked at pictures of naked women because you like the way naked women look. I find it interesting that you think there must be some big deep meaning behind it. It is nice that you are willing to stop now that you know that it makes your wife uncomfortable.

[Mythical]

Hey,

 

I also agree with the above poster. I don't know why you think there is another meaning behind this.

I don't think in any way you should feel guilty for what you did.

 

Again since it did bug your wife very much and you have agreed to stop that is very nice of you. I just don't think its something you should be worrying about. Everyone enjoys looking at naked woman.

 

I don't think you did it to "boost" your confidence don't be so hard on yourself.

[garvis]

Thanks for the opinions and reality check.

 

I understand that my wife feels aweful about this. "He looks at naked women, am I not good enough?" That type of thinking. I'll admit, I feel very insecure all the time too and question myself.

 

I just want to put her mind at ease. I know what it feels like to feel jealous and insecure. I don't want her to ever feel like I feel at times. I think my actions have made her insecure. I just wish there was some way I could explain things to make her feel better.

 

I guess we have some work to do. First on ourselves, then together.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't have the science for you today, Garvis... but I believe that men process information differently than women when it comes to sexual matters. Overall, men appear to have a preference for visual stimulation, while women seem to appreciate that which appeals to them emotionally.

 

These are generalizations, of course.

There's not a hard and fast rule people must adhere to. Not ALL women prefer erotica to porn. Not all men prefer porn to erotica. And there are still yet folks who have no interest in either.

[Mustang Sally]

Ok, this is probably different from most women's responses to this situation, but it is certainly in line with the other responses you have already gotten.

 

What's the big deal? I have been in your wife's shoes, and gotten over it. The reality is that I believe men to be very different creatures when it come to sexuality and sexual expression (meaning HIGHLY visual) than most women. I realized that I felt threatened from this action of my husband because I had issues with ME more than I had issues with him. It took a lot of personal research into men and why they are the way they are (read lots of books on this, talked to other men and women, etc.) to realize my H was not making any comment on me. Despite him telling me this often. So I got off my rather pudgy patoot and decided to give myself a reason to feel better about myself. Lost some weight, toned up, etc. H really appreciated it, and so did I! I felt better about myself and was then able to not care about some nameless women in pictures. I'm the real deal, in flesh and blood, baby! He looks at naked women occasionally, and I have a vibrator that "hits the spot" from time to time. Neither one means that either spouse is inadequate or whatever. We are just not one-dimensional people when it comes to sexuality and need to be honest about that fact.

 

Kudos to you for being sensitive to the fact that this bothers your wife. I'm not telling you to ignore her feelings, but maybe she needs to do some thing(s) to get her own self esteem up instead of expecting others (you) to do it for her all the time.

 

Flame away, if you want. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I think it's just because men are more "visual" than woman. Just because you are married does not mean you are blind. I mean, people can still appreciate beauty even if your wife is beautiful. My H can look at anything he wants, as long as it is not an addiction and does not interfer with our family quality time together. For some reason, alot of woman friends I know does not like their men looking at other woman (be it clothed or not-clothed)... maybe that has more to do with their self-esteem. I have a healthy self-esteem so I have no problems with my H looking at any stuff. Sometimes, I encourage it - nice way to get him off my back! Heh.

[garvis]

 

What's the big deal? I have been in your wife's shoes, and gotten over it. The reality is that I believe men to be very different creatures when it come to sexuality and sexual expression (meaning HIGHLY visual) than most women. I realized that I felt threatened from this action of my husband because I had issues with ME more than I had issues with him. It took a lot of personal research into men and why they are the way they are (read lots of books on this, talked to other men and women, etc.) to realize my H was not making any comment on me. Despite him telling me this often. So I got off my rather pudgy patoot and decided to give myself a reason to feel better about myself. Lost some weight, toned up, etc. H really appreciated it, and so did I! I felt better about myself and was then able to not care about some nameless women in pictures. I'm the real deal, in flesh and blood, baby! He looks at naked women occasionally, and I have a vibrator that "hits the spot" from time to time. Neither one means that either spouse is inadequate or whatever. We are just not one-dimensional people when it comes to sexuality and need to be honest about that fact.

 

Kudos to you for being sensitive to the fact that this bothers your wife. I'm not telling you to ignore her feelings, but maybe she needs to do some thing(s) to get her own self esteem up instead of expecting others (you) to do it for her all the time.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. For now, it makes me feel a little bit better about this. I do think that both of us have some issues to work out. Sometimes I think people, no matter how in love they are, have a hard time talking about fears. The fears usually turn out to be irrational, but they are powerful.

[alphamale]

hi my name's alphamale and i'm addicted to pornography

[norajane]

You looked at pics of naked women because it's masturbation fodder and it turned you on. So what?

 

I don't agree that everyone is supposed to lock up their brains just because they love their spouse/SO. I sure would get pissed if my SO expected me to stop fantasizing while I masturbate! And I'm equally sure that some of my fantasies might give my SO pause if I told him what they were. But I don't have to because they're in my head. And no one has developed a keylogger for people's minds yet.

 

Human sexuality has many layers to it. Everyone has a right to think xyz is erotic. It doesn't mean you're a "bad" person or that you love your spouse any less.

[garvis]

You looked at pics of naked women because it's masturbation fodder and it turned you on. So what?

 

I don't agree that everyone is supposed to lock up their brains just because they love their spouse/SO. I sure would get pissed if my SO expected me to stop fantasizing while I masturbate! And I'm equally sure that some of my fantasies might give my SO pause if I told him what they were. But I don't have to because they're in my head. And no one has developed a keylogger for people's minds yet.

 

Human sexuality has many layers to it. Everyone has a right to think xyz is erotic. It doesn't mean you're a "bad" person or that you love your spouse any less.

 

That's a very mature, logical approach. Thanks for the words.

 

I think I failed to include a very important point. During this time we were not having much intimacy at all. Maybe once a month. She often voiced her frustration about this, so I can understand why she would feel bad about what I did. At that time, I just had a desire to be alone. Sometimes that's hard to tell someone you love. As many people have pointed out, passion ebbs and flows. Lately I cannot get enough of her. She said recently, "I don't understand where this is all coming from". Neither do I, but I do love her and I never stopped.

[rainfall]

What's the big deal? I have been in your wife's shoes, and gotten over it. The reality is that I believe men to be very different creatures when it come to sexuality and sexual expression (meaning HIGHLY visual) than most women. I realized that I felt threatened from this action of my husband because I had issues with ME more than I had issues with him. It took a lot of personal research into men and why they are the way they are (read lots of books on this, talked to other men and women, etc.) to realize my H was not making any comment on me. Despite him telling me this often. So I got off my rather pudgy patoot and decided to give myself a reason to feel better about myself. Lost some weight, toned up, etc. H really appreciated it, and so did I! I felt better about myself and was then able to not care about some nameless women in pictures. I'm the real deal, in flesh and blood, baby! He looks at naked women occasionally, and I have a vibrator that "hits the spot" from time to time. Neither one means that either spouse is inadequate or whatever. We are just not one-dimensional people when it comes to sexuality and need to be honest about that fact.

 

Kudos to you for being sensitive to the fact that this bothers your wife. I'm not telling you to ignore her feelings, but maybe she needs to do some thing(s) to get her own self esteem up instead of expecting others (you) to do it for her all the time.

 

Flame away, if you want. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

 

So what? Well if it offends your SO then if you really love them you should stop doing whatever the action is that hurts them. I am sorry but in alot of cases it has NOTHING to do with self esteem. I think I look good. I am not over weight or even close to being over weight. I work my butt of to look good for my man so why should I settle for the fact that he looks at other women. I do not look at other men naked and I expect the same from him. I just really don't understand what anyone gets from thinking about some randomn stranger when they masturbate.

[silentalways]

oh for the love of gawd - who hasn't looked at nudies. jebus. i'll fill u in on a little secret. i actually watched a few videos! oh la la. and guess why?

 

one day my ex told me she had done that and THAT is what made me curious and i asked her to give me an example of what she liked and she did with no probs - totally confident - that's exciting - wink

 

and the best part was i would never have guess what she liked and what was great about that was i was able to find out more about her - and we discovered we 'react' very differently to something like that. then one day she told me a few other things and though, wow, what an amazing woman - to be able to trust and feel totally relax with me to do that. it increased my love and attraction for her [however get ready for the bad part]. and because she showed me what she 'liked' i thought i would do the same but guess what? i thought i could do that, no probs but i discovered i got too shy. i felt totally at ease when she did but weird when i did - i think it was because i had never done that and because i sensed me doing that impacted her differently. so, here is where i did one of the many goofups - anytime i experienced something new with her i was always wonderful, but where she would be 'fine' with sharing and enjoying that new experience and having it in the right priority in the rs, i would get greedy [hand in the cookie jar] and that was just simply childish and an overreaction to my pleasure principle knee jerk[off] reaction to her and i doing that. see, i wasn't always like that with her. orginally we just went with the flow and totally enjoyed each others company but i have started to see things, like when and why etc. that my depression actually started impacting me and how u never realize that at the time.

sooooooooooooooo, basically - yah, i like seeing real naked woman having real female orgasms - but that is a faaaaaaaaaaaaaar cry from the reality of being with the real deal - can i live with out it? duh! i actually never bothered before her. its not biggie. its just t and a man. always grab something real over that - wink

[Mr. Lucky]

I just really don't understand what anyone gets from thinking about some randomn stranger when they masturbate.

That's because your not a man . And that's not a problem. What is a problem, however, is expecting your man to think and react like you. At the risk of overstating the obvious, men are different then women. And that difference is particularly notable when it comes to sexual arousal.

 

Why is that so threatening?

 

Mr. Lucky

[rainfall]

That's because your not a man . And that's not a problem. What is a problem, however, is expecting your man to think and react like you. At the risk of overstating the obvious, men are different then women. And that difference is particularly notable when it comes to sexual arousal.

 

Why is that so threatening?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because if I am not attractive enough to turn on my bf where he doesn't need porn we shouldn't be together.I expect my man to respect me and love me enough not to want to masturbate to porn.

[silentalways]

"What's the big deal? I have been in your wife's shoes, and gotten over it. The reality is that I believe men to be very different creatures when it come to sexuality and sexual expression (meaning HIGHLY visual) than most women. I realized that I felt threatened from this action of my husband because I had issues with ME more than I had issues with him. It took a lot of personal research into men and why they are the way they are (read lots of books on this, talked to other men and women, etc.) to realize my H was not making any comment on me. Despite him telling me this often."

 

wow! great post rain and an excellent focus on what i think many of us all don't realize. understanding sexuality is something that develops - we don't know and learn and desire the same thing at the same time in the same way as our partner or anyone else for that matter - but there are set things that make men and women different - and i know that my ex felt threatened but i never saw it as a self-image or self-esteem issue or even as a indictator of who she was to me - i simply saw it as 'time not spent with her' because porn is porn. i have explained these things directly to her [occurances] so she has a pretty good understand of reasons, etc. but what u said, about discovering why u reacted that way, is the exact reason i gave for doing something with my ex - finding out about her, me, us - sometimes we don't know how we will react to something new. so it is confusing at times

 

u should be very happy about your new insight as i am sure that is a huge burden removed for u

[Lennox]

First of all, I doubt your wife would have had much of a problem if you were wanking to porn once in a great while but still having sex with her. If you can't have sex with her enough, and I'm sure she's told you from the beginning how much was enough, then you should be abstaining from porn. I realized you promised to do that and I can't emphasize enough how IMPORTANT it is for you to be honest and up front with her on the issue. Don't try to use it behind her back, lie about it, hide it, or anything like that because it will destroy your marriage.

 

Some wise person posted the following statement: "If men were more visual than women, they would all be interior decorators".

 

If you need help quitting porn, there is help out there for you. You're lucky in the respect that your wife loves sex so much she will protest not getting it enough! There's guys on here that have wives that don't care for it and would rather their husbands wank to porn instead of "bothering" them for sex. How sad to live that way.

 

If you two put each other's needs first before porn, friends, worldly possessions, and anything else that is unnecessary to live, your marriage will last forever.

[silentalways]

just an off the wall suggestion here - i see part of this as a seperation problem where the woman feels the man is doing something that excludes her, and that makes her feel that whatever it is he is doing is more important than being with her [and i would guess that in 99.9% of the cases that is not true], and he is doing something he might be to nervous to admit to doing. here's a crazy ass idea, the next time he goes to do that, if i was the woman [and knowing that he doesn't know that u know what he is doing], i would tell him on night, "hey, babe, i have this fantasy about watching u 'blank' while watching 'blank' [and even if u have never done that or think it is something u would find enjoyable - never know until u try right?], chances are two things will happen:

1. he will shift his focus back to you because he probably feels 'safe' that u want to be included in something that he might be 'embarassed or nervous' to admit doing - and i would be willing to bet the farm that not only would the 'porn' issue disappear - because either u both would try that once and decide if u both like that or not - or

2. he would simply stop all together - and fully and completely recognize that he gets REAL AND TRUE pleasure from you.

 

crazy idea eh

[Guest]

Because if I am not attractive enough to turn on my bf where he doesn't need porn

 

It is NOT about you. Read what Mustang Sally wrote. Print it out, put it on your mirror, and read it four times a day. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I don't know where women these days have gotten the completely inane idea that 'a man should only like my looks and refuse to look at any other woman for the rest of his life'. It is totally, completely illogical. And do not tell me for one moment that you don't drool over Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or some guy who's not your bf.

 

I just caution every man to check with the female of his choice about her ideas about porn and/or masturbation. If she freaks out per the above or voices any of the same opinions, RUN!!!

[CrushedOrgans]

And do not tell me for one moment that you don't drool over Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or some guy who's not your bf.

 

i will tell you that for more than one moment, maybe even for 20 moments, because for me, it's true.

 

you seem to think it's okay to generalize that all women must be so hot for celebrities. i'm not. i've never been. and especially not for your examples.

 

i am not saying i have never found someone attractive, of course i have, but i am not sexually attracted to someone unless i am into them in another way.

 

if you can't seem to believe that, then imagine how hard it is for some women to believe that porn is really nothing.

 

just saying. you seem to think you "know" how women think. so don't get mad when some women claim to "know" how men work.

[rainfall]

It is NOT about you. Read what Mustang Sally wrote. Print it out, put it on your mirror, and read it four times a day. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I don't know where women these days have gotten the completely inane idea that 'a man should only like my looks and refuse to look at any other woman for the rest of his life'. It is totally, completely illogical. And do not tell me for one moment that you don't drool over Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or some guy who's not your bf.

 

I just caution every man to check with the female of his choice about her ideas about porn and/or masturbation. If she freaks out per the above or voices any of the same opinions, RUN!!!

 

I will also tell you that. I DO NOT drool over anyone besides my boyfriend. I not close my eyes and masturbate while thinking about Brad Pitt. It does not turn me on to think about them. If a man looks at porn and refuses to understand how his partner feels and continues to make her feel bad about herself by looking at it, I advise that women RUN!!!!

Sorry it is about me if my man decides it is ok to masturbate to other women. I don't care about what Mustang Sally wrote. If is OK for her to have her man wanting to sleep with 1000 other people that is great. However for me it is not ok.

 

It is not so much my bf finding other women attractive I have a problem with. It is him masturbating to naked pictures of him that I find disrespectful and wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

but i am not sexually attracted to someone unless i am into them in another way.

Which probably makes you like most women. But guess what? STILL DIFFERENT THAN MOST MEN!!! Men can easily be sexually attracted to a woman they just met. Men can be sexually aroused by the image on a page or TV of a complete stranger. It's instinctively hardwired into our puny, little brains

 

It's how we act (or don't act) on that thought that is the learned behaviour.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

It is him masturbating to naked pictures of him that I find disrespectful and wrong.

I don't know if it's disrespectful, but if your boyfriend is masturbating to naked pictures of "him" it's probably wrong

 

Mr. Lucky

[rainfall]

I don't know if it's disrespectful, but if your boyfriend is masturbating to naked pictures of "him" it's probably wrong

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah I meant to say of other women.

I would be more then willing to supply him with material to masturbate to so I don't see why he would need other stuff.

[Guest]

just saying. you seem to think you "know" how women think

 

Yeah imagine that. Could it be because I'm menstruating? Just because I'm not an insanely jealous freak out maniac when men look at women doesn't mean I'm not one. You think Mustang Sally's a guy?