Having a really bad day

[Kelso]

Hey everyone -

 

I'm having a really bad day today and I really really need to vent. Today there are 7 weeks since we broke up. After the first week of the breakup I didn't contact her for three weeks. Then I called her and had a nice chat about everything but the relationship. We laughed and had a really good time.

 

My friend and her work at the same restaurant - and I went there for lunch today (knew she wasn't working). One of the guys who had lunch with us was a guy who also works there and I know he has offered my ex meaningless sex (while we were still together, he didn't know she had a bf). She told me about it and laughed at him in front of me. Now today he asked if I was the guy who once was seeing Julie. I of course said yes, but of course had no idea how he knew because I have never met him before. And how did he know I was once seeing her, but not anymore. This made me loose my appertite because I started to think of those two in bed. It seems like a really nice guy though. But it made my stomach turn around that he asked if we "used to be" together.

 

One thing that also bothers me quite, is that in those 7 weeks since we broke up, I haven't received a single text message, not a phonecall, e-mail or anything. It looks to me that I don't even exist to her (although she said she cared a lot for me).

 

Some days I feel like I'm over her. I think to myself "what a cold-hearted bitch...pretends I don't exist". But then there are days like this inbetween where I miss her more than everything and really would like to work things out.

 

I know that she gets easily bored in a relationship, and a mutual friend told me after we broke up that I was the only relationship she can remember that she's been in and definetly the longest, although it lasted for only 6 months or so, except for one she had while living in another country which lasted for about a year. I'm the same kind of person, get easilly bored in a relationship and therefore I haven't had long relationships in the past. The reason why we broke up is that she didn't feel the butterflies in the stomach anymore. But I also have realized with LS's help that I was way too needy, and I have been reading alot about how to get over the needy-ness.

 

I've been dating around for the last 4 weeks, but I don't find the spark with any of those girls I've been seeing. So I guess it's just to soon, but I'm trying though.

 

I just don't know what I should do. One day I think that it's for the best that we broke up, but the next day I miss her so much and really really want her back.

 

What can I do. Should I call her (that would be breaking NC after about 30 days)? Why hasn't she contacted me in 7 weeks (we talked about being friends). Do you think she's having a hard time getting over me...or is it maybe that she has gotten over me really quickly? I seriously don't know what to do. Should I maybe contact her when it's closer to Christmas when she'll be more emotional and of course nobody wants to be alone on Christmas.

 

I know she must think of me sometimes. I'm still no. 2 on her MySpace, which I checked 15 minutes ago for the first time in three weeks.

 

Can someone please give me some advices ... I really need them now.

[snowdiamond]

Hi Kelso,

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I think you should step back and ride this out for a minute. Don't contact her. You are 30 days NC, so don't breakdown. I know it's hard because yesterday or all week for that matter, I've been feeling crappy. Yesterday, while at work, I lost it completely. I closed my office door for an hour and I sobbed (silently) like a baby. I couldn't hold back the tears. What set me off on this crying jag was this guy I work with came to me and we were conversing about the holidays and he mentioned that he bought his wife a new six carat diamond ring for Christmas and also as a thank you gift for having his new son. I kept a stiff upper lip until he left and "old waterworks" here (ME!) couldn't hold back the floodgates.

 

Today is day 35 for me and I feel better today. It's just one of those things you have to ride the wave on, dude.

 

Just don't breakdown and contact her. You'll feel even worse afterward.

I know how you feel though. You're thinking she's forgotten all about you, but she hasn't. I feel the same way about my ex. I was really good to him and I just hope that when he's feeling down, he'll remember the one woman who treated him like gold.

 

Go get yourself some fresh air or something. But just know that what you're going through is just as so many people on LS have talked about. It's part of the process of moving on with your life. If she wants you again, let her come to you.

 

I hope you will start to feel better soon.

[amaysngrace]

I hate to say this, but it's over. She's not thinking of you, not nearly like you are of her. I can pretty much guarantee it.

 

The guy at her work mentioning you means nothing really. Stop driving yourself crazy thinking about it. When you work in a restaurant, there's a lot of down time between rushes. You can get very friendly with the other waiters and waitresses. But it means nothing usually. Stop making yourself mad. You read too into things, IMO.

 

As for not seeing anyone who gives you sparks yet, don't worry. It will happen. Next time you see someone who you think is totally hot, approach her. Be cute and fun. This way you know the attraction is there for her from the start.

 

You may want to check up on co-dependency if you think it may apply to you.

 

Mostly you should really put all these thoughts and energy you put into thinking of Julie into yourself. You're a worthwhile cause. So do something nice for you. Nevermind her...she's gone. Get up, get out, be seen and think half as highly of yourself as you do of Julie and you'll be just fine.

[amaysngrace]

Oh, and stop visiting her myspace. Do something else with your time that is actually productive, not destructive, okay? XO

[Kelso]

a little update. Just about 5 minutes ago a friend of her contacted me on MSN. I haven't spoken to this friend of her on MSN for 3 weeks and its a concidence that she startes talking to me few minutes after I've posted it.

 

We had a casual chat for few minutes but she just asked me if I have heard anything from her recently. I just said simply, "no...not since I called her few weeks ago".

 

Then I asked what's up with her? And she said that she had spoken to her on MSN on monday and she was fine.

 

The strange thing is that my MSN shows me when a contact is online and she hasn't been online for over 30 days. So it's quite obvious that she has blocked me. Why would she have done that? Is it because she doesn't wanna talk to me (I haven't been anything but nice to her)...does she just want to forget everything....why would she block me :S

[amaysngrace]

Dude you are so obsessing right now. Stop trying to understand her. You never will.

 

Try and figure out what makes YOU tick. If anything, I'd be so mad at this girl for treating you so unfairly I wouldn't put another moment's thought into ANYTHING she says or does.

 

Where's your self-respect, man?

[Kelso]

Yeah, i know of course what you're talking about. And normally I don't feel the way I do right now. It's just a minor setback which I probably will get over as soon as I go to the gym or something.

 

It's just something that hit me during the lunch when I met this guy and I started thinking of her.

 

Thanks to you I have started to tink more rationally now than I did an hour ago. There were things in the relationship that I wasn't really happy about, and my mind tells me that I should just be lucky that we broke up this early. But my heart is on the other side and it makes me miss her sometimes more than people say is normal

 

But I guess you're alright...even though we could work it out, I'd probably just be miserable and anxious over if I'm pleasing her.

 

I guess I should avoid the restaurant even though my best friend work there. There are too many things in there that remind me of her sometimes....and the worst memory in there is the guy who kept trying to get her into bed

[amaysngrace]

Yeah next time you go to that restaurant, make sure you have a date. Some fine little piece of a$$ too, okay?

[Kelso]

I hate this day...this is probably the worst day since we broke up... I hate it!!

 

Well, I went to the restaurant for lunch and was thinking very much about her when I got back and pretty much ruined my day as you can read above.

 

So I went to the gym and cleared my mind for 2 hours. Then I went to the mall for an hour and when I walked out of the mall I had completely got her out of my head. When I was about to get out I met this man in the mall. I recognized his face and obviously recognized mine because I came to me and asked me we've met. And I of course said "probably, because you kind of look familiar to me". After about 15 second I found out who this man was. Of course it was my ex's boss from work, which whom I've met once in my life for about an half an hour. Then she of course popped right into my head. I hate how this keeps happening. I should have chosen another exit

 

I just want to thank you so much amaysngrace, for encouraging me not to call her. Honestly when I think of it, deep inside I don't want my ex to call me. It's not gonna make me feel any better and it probably will leave me with loads of questions which I'll never find answer two.

 

And like I told you, today I was checking her MySpace for the first time in three weeks. It didn't do anything but make me feel bad, so I guess I won't be checking her MySpace for the next couple of months or so.

[amaysngrace]

I give this advice often but I'm giving it again: you need to get laid.

 

It's Friday night. You work out. You are probably a little hottie. Are you 21? Just go out tonight and shoot some pool or something, anything really. Just make sure you have protection. Get that before you go anywhere.

 

Life's too short to live in the past. Live for the moment and the moment is now. You don't need to fall in love tonight but it can't hurt you any to bust a nut. Go have fun.

[Kelso]

I guess you're right - I just need to get my confidence back. I can't do it this weekend, having a test on monday...but I definetly will very soon.

 

I'm feeling a lot better now than I did today and kind of back to how I was yesterday. I've told my friends and my close family members the detailed version of our relationship and everyone says the same thing, "you didn't have a chance". I have realized as the time goes that we were probably would have broken up. But it does me no good thinking about it though.

 

I guess the weekends are the hardest parts. That's when she goes out with her friends and get to know new guys. But of course on the other hand it is also the time that I've been using seeing other girls. I guess that it's just some kind of selfishness. Strange to be selfish - even when you don't want the relationship to continue. It's so strange that my heart kills me thinking of her kissing other guys, even though I'm doing the same things with other girls.

 

I just need to boost my confidence and get laid...at least it sounds rational

 

Thanks again ... I owe you a big one for your advice

[amaysngrace]

Heartache sucks bigtime, K. It can make you question yourself and can leave you feeling shattered. You can start to doubt you have any good qualities at all.

 

Right now you need to change your thought pattern. Most likely when you think of her you think of all the good. That's gotta stop. From now on think of how she treated you badly and of all the things she did that made you become hurt or annoyed. Think of how she put her feelings first before yours and realize this is nowhere close to how you deserve to be treated. You have this false illusion of who she is and how you wished for your relationship to be. Try and see her for who she really is. See her flaws and know you should have better than her. You should have someone who treats you as the great guy that you are.

 

As for yourself, you are a great guy. You have a lot to offer a woman, and too bad for her if she's too dumb to appreciate that. You treated her well. Like you will treat any good woman, because it's who you are. It's unfortunate for her that by the time she comes to see how badly she messed up by letting you go, you will have moved on. That's her loss.

 

Take this free time for you right now. You're still in school and you have so much ahead of you. You are going places, my man. You are working hard for your degree and your future is going to be your reward. There are going to be many women between now and your wedding day that come into your life. Some you'll wanna hang around with for a while and there is going to be someone who you won't want to let go of forever.

 

This one here, this Julie, she really sounds like she's someone you need to let go of. She makes you feel bad about who you are. She has stirred up all these negative emotions in you. That's not love. Not even close. You deserve so much more from someone you choose to let into your heart. You deserve to have your feelings reciprocated, and when it's right you'll know it because she'll be someone who leaves you in a better place because of her. This is so not the case with Julie.

 

I know it hurts to think of life without her and all, and it probably sucks for you to think she's screwing around now, but it's her choice. And she's making a big mistake by letting you go, but that's her problem. Just feel good about the fact that you treated her great and know that you should be proud of your efforts. You gave it all you've got. But she was just too dumb.

 

You'll find a smart girl when you least expect it and it may just have taken Julie's stupidity for you to recognize a keeper.

[Kelso]

Thanks again for your wonderful advices amaysingrace...

 

I'm still just venting - but I'm not neccesarely looking for any advices, it just helps a lot to get my thoughts written down here.

 

After this horrible yesterday which was probably the worst day since the first week of the breakup, this day today was going just fine. Until my friend showed up at my house tonight with his new girlfriend. Of course her name was Julie too Of course I can't get mad at him finding a girl named Julie - but it was strange hearing him say "do you want a beer Julie", "you're cute Julie". It stung my heart every time he said her name.

 

When they had had few drinks here at my place I drove them to a club downtown. While driving down the main street ... I saw my Julie. Walking there with her sister and their best friend (who is a girl). It basically tore my heart into pieces to see her tonight. It was really something I didn't need at all tonight. I was driving and couldn't talk with her (pheew).

 

I followed your advice today, and every time she popped into my head I though about a moment I didn't enjoy. I though about a bad memory of us together. It worked fine until I saw her beautiful face an hour ago

 

What bothers me so much is that why I feel like this about a person that I wanted to break up with. We had no future and a possible breakup in the past would definetly be more painful. I hate me self sometimes for letting her play like that with my mind.

 

I'm 23 years old. I used to be overweight and wasn't really a diamond in a girls eye. But I've lost a lot of weight (before I met Julie) and today look quite athlete. Of course I notice eye contacts from girls, but I guess deep inside that I'm a bit afraid of rejection that I used to get when I was overweight.

 

Like I said...I just needed to went but it bothers me so much that I have these feelings for someone who I don't want to be with.

 

Thanks for reading this

 

PS. Amaysingrace...I've bookmarked this thread so everytime I feel down I can read it. It helps a lot to vent once in a while, and I feel a lot better now than I did before I started to write 20 minutes ago. I love you LoveShack

[JCD]

I have no doubt that you will meet someone new but interim you must allow time to grieve. Once you're over her then your heart will open up to new opportunities. I've been thru this ride many times and it's always the same. The last moment you expect it, bam! there shows up a new girl knocking you off the ground. It never fails. Meanwhile you'll have girls that you don't like chasing you and it's expected to turn them down. So it might feel for a while that someone like Julie won't show up again but she will. She might not look the same or have same personality but she will create the sparks within you. It's weird how that works but it does.

[FallenTree]

I find that it helps me to just not long into myspace at all, and definitely don't check the ex's page, ever! It's a hard temptation, and I'm known to do it but haven't for quite some time now. Once you do, you know you'll feel worse!