Why does he want to be friends?

[Guest]

Hi, I am new to this forum and am after some much needed advice.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for 16 months, and around 2 months ago we broke up, pretty mutually. For most of the time we were happy together, although occasionally towards the end of the relationship he did lie and hurt me emotionally.

 

Anyway, the most recent of these lies was that he denied liking someone, when it was obvious he did, and about a month ago they started going out. Although this does bother me a little, it is the lies that really bother me, and how he tried to control me during our relationship and got easily jealous.

 

However, my problem is that recently he has told me he would like to be close friends with me, because, using his words, "we get along so well there's no point why we shouldn't be friends". However I am a little more wary and unsure whether to be friends or not. We were good friends for about 9 months before we started going out, and although in some ways I could see us being friends, there are some things stopping me.

 

Since breaking up I have more self-confidence and worth and I wouldn't want to be "second best"; do you think that he just wants to be friends in case this new relationship fails? What do you think I should do? Many thanks.

[Spinderella]

I think that you should do things in your own time. If you are questioning his reasons for being friends with you, then you still have residues of mistrust and hurt from the relationship. This means to me, that you are not ready to be friends, and why should you be friends with somebody who lied to you anyway???

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sure that when you were together you had some good times - and unfortunately, as a couple there were bad times as well. He thinks that by being friends instead of a couple, that he can enjoy the good times he had with you without having to worry about all the bad things that you experienced as a couple. As a 'friend' he can distance himself from the negative parts of your relationship, while enjoying only the postive parts. Unfortunately, it isn't as easy as erasing all the couple stuff you shared and going back to being friends. Remind yourself of the stuff he did to hurt you. Do you really need that sort of 'friend' in your life right now?

[silentalways]

in life we have three choices - we can view and hold as proirity over others, the positive, the negative or the neutral. whenever i am faced with having to pick from these 3, and in all facets of of lives there will be all three, i pick the positive - so, if i was in a relationship that ended on a bit of a downer and still wanted to be friends with that person i would ensure that my focus on the positives overroad the negatives. see, usually the negatives happen at the end and we make the mistake of having those emotions an feelings blanket everything. it is often the case that 80% was great, 20% lousy but because we are impacted back events closer rather than further in our experiences and memories we allow ourselves to become trapped by that.

 

as john lennon said - there are no problems, only solutions

[westernxer]

...do you think that he just wants to be friends in case this new relationship fails?

 

You said it.

[Krytellan]

I can honestly say that I have never understood peoples' fascination with being friends after a break-up. I don't believe in it and I dont do it. There is one person that I have remained friends with in my entire life, but she's special.

 

It's up to the person at hand. Some can and some can't. You simply need to know which you are. I would say that for guys, the staying friends ploy is used when we want to have the option to change our mind later. You are now his back-up plan.

[Guest]

Thank you for all your advice I think I will tell him tomorrow that although I will be civil, I cannot be 'best friends' which is what he said he wants :S