dark_horse Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Sitting here crying because I kind of know this is my fault. I didn't cheat or do anything like that... more of the everyday little by little stuff that destroys a marriage. I'm just tough to be with sometimes. Emotional, demanding, sometimes just a bitch. I think I provoke fights sometimes. don't even know why I do it sometimes. It's just awful. Just had a bad, bad fight. Got physical even. Just exploded out of nowhere seemingly. We're both under a huge amount of stress right now and just can't handle it. I'd say it's really me that can't handle it most of all. He's basically a good guy, but I just see the stuff that drives me nuts about him and I focus on that. I feel like I'm working sooo hard for our family and he doesn't appreciate me. On a deep level I feel like he never will. But you know, is that a reason for me to be such an idiot and a bitch??? Why can't I seem to appreciate the good stuff about him??? There are good things and bad things in a marriage. I can't seem to put it all together and keep the bad along with the good. Looking at this marriage from the outside, you'd probably think there was more good than bad. I feel I am the one destroying this marriage and I can't seem to stop myself. And he thinks I am mean, closed off, selfish, unpredictable. I think he's right. Maybe I'm just not someone who can be happy. I always thought I was... But the situation we're in now, all the stresses I don't want to go into in detail... I guess they prove what kind of a person you really are. and I don't like what I see at all in myself. But that doesn't seem to help me change anything. I still get into fights where when I'm in it, I see him as totally wrong and awful. then after I look back and say, what just happened! what was I thinking... I feel so completely awful about myself that I can't tell you. And we have two little girls. What if we get divorced? I know everyone on here talks about this stuff, but I just can't imagine the logistics of selling our house, separating, custody of the girls. Makes me so ashamed and depressed I feel I'm dying inside. Where we are now... can't imagine how we can pull back from it. Never had a fight where we said such awful, awful, hateful things. I mean, really bad. Just the worst of the worst. And we have to get up in the morning and pretend in front of my two little girls. I just want to crawl into a corner and not come out... I don't know what I'm expecting here. Again, just crying and feeling like I'm on the edge and couldn't call anyone and needed to "talk" to someone. Feeling too ashamed to talk to any of my friends. Just so alone and don't know what to do. I'm serious, this is MY fault and it just went too far for me to fix it this time. He's sleeping downstairs. I can't go down there. He doesn't want me to. He feels disgusted with me and done with the whole mess. I don't blame him.
Gunny376 Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 This is doeable and manageble! Just step back from the brink! Just step back from the edge! Not here! Not now! Just take a deep breath ~ just breath! OK? Just breath! That's all that's required! Just breath! Its hard. And it hurts! Its a "hard candy" Christmas! Gunny's going to get you through this! I'm here for you! This is my XMAS present for you, which is more than I gave you last year!
Krytellan Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Your post touched me because I could almost imagine that it was being written by my ex-wife. However I know better because she never had the level of self-discovery or reflection that you have. Our marriage fell apart because she never would have been able to say what you have said in your post, but I can see myself in the shoes of your husband if what you say is true. He's not in a good place, and he needs to know that you even care about it. First thing to ask yourself is why you feel the need to take the blame. Are you taking the blame because no one else will? Or are you taking the blame because you acknowledge that you have done some things that you feel are inappropriate to the situation? If you are taking the blame because you have done wrong, then what you have done is a positive first step, though in isolation, it is absolutely meaningless. It has been said over and over and over again on LS. Words are great, and it's always moving when someone comes to a realization in their life and can admit when they have done something wrong. However, all you have done is tell us. Has your husband heard any of this from you? Have you put your feelings out there to the person who has the most to gain from them? I'm guessing you haven't. Honey, when someone in your situation and with your level of intensity (gained from info given) can simply come forth and express the feelings that you have said here to the person involved, that alone means a lot. I would have stopped EVERYTHING if my wife had ever come forward and said something like this to me. Unfortunately, she never did, the hate continued, and we left spewing hate and venom at each other. If you haven't yet, say these things to your husband. That is the first step. However, not until you DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT will anything have any chance of getting better. Actions speak infinitely louder than words. Talkling does a good job of getting the attention, but only action can sustain any momentum. Good luck. You might be surprised at his reaction if you come forth like this to him.
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 well, i understand and remember almost i did that destroyed my last long term relationship and i am not proud that i reverted back to things from my marriage but one big reason was the fact that we lived together in the house i had bought with my ex wife so all the bad vibes that lingered resurfaced and something minor became major because it was not just the present but the past. my ex recognized that on our first trip and i should have tackled that stuff then but i thought i was done the work. in my case it started with little things, trival matters not even attached to her and they were really about me, ways i avoided handling stress and believing i must be all to everyone - that's impossible. and, i know now that these things started and are associated with my depression because i had treated her with respect previously. i just hadn't learned how to be honest yet, so, everything became a 'worry' to me - not wanting her to view me poorly because she loved me so much and made me happy. and the little things became snide remarks and i hate that i was like that. those turned into shame and guilt issues and i blamed her for what i was doing to myself and us - isolating. what i now know i was doing was demanding something from her [unconditional love] which she was already doing but i started setting things up so they were difficult for her to do and in the end all that was about as needed her to validate my self-worth - whiuch she had done in spades, and that was not associated with her but with how my ex wife had stolen my trust. we should never have moved into that house and it is why i just sold it. what happened from there is i simply felt caught between her, the kids [blended] and the insecurity that my house gave me. i started teasing in mean ways, not meaning to hurt but the wrong way to make a point - i was picking fights for no reason other than i was entering depression land. then i stopped doing the little things i knew mattered to her, like suppertime, calling home - and then i started punishing myself without telling her [substance] yet believed she could read my mind and so, it was like i wanted to get as sick as possible so i would know she loved me by caring. problem with that is i was a jerk, nothing really crazy but added up - the would kill anyone's love. like moving pictures, suddenly undecisive, lack of motivation and i will never forget the mean words i said to her. i am still haunted by that. i put her through something horrible without cause and she did a great job pointing the path for me but ran out of gas. i became someone i didn't like either. i used drugs in our home, used her car to buy once, lied constantly because by then i was gonzo. and that lead to months of really terrible times, all my fault...and i watched as i stole her spirit - the thing i wanted. i was so mixed up i was doing everything backwards and wrong. she went beyond what she should have and so did i in terms of corrupting my morals and ethics and turning a happy home into a nightmare and ruining a great relationship. my drug use effected of sex life and i blamed these initamacy issues on her making me desexualized and the list goes on and on and this all happened every day for 7 months [i went in chat rooms, watched videos, was a gross, drugged out prev, and i never even saw it] i t makes me sick looking back now but - i have manged to pin point all those nasty triggers, solve the isssues from my past and am trying my best to dig out of a huge mess i have made, me alone, of my life. and i am truly sorry she had to go thru all that because there is nothing she did that cuased it. it was learned behaviours by my past, depression, and addiction and emotional abuse. and i am not that man, and will never be again. i am doing what i can to ensure that. she hates me and will never talk with me again and i understand - i am doing this because i want a great life, a normal life - and never return to those 7 months.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Don't beat yourself up like this. It takes two to tango. Do take a deep breath and start communicating. The two of you need to stop pushing buttons and try to work through the real issues. If nothing else, for the sake of your little girls, do it and tell him he needs to suck it up too for your beautiful little girls. Btw, if for any reason this doesn't work out, don't let the thought of financial assets get in the way of what is healthy for everyone involved.
jmargel Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 It's all about communication and when that goes, the foundation of your marriage starts to crumble. Read my link in my signature. You two need marriage counseling so you both can get your points across and understand each other better while not getting into that offensive/defensive stance.
amaysngrace Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I think you need individual counseling as well. That, or a whole lot of soul-searching. If you handle certain situations inappropriately, and what you're doing doesn't work, you need to change it about yourself. If all you can see is the bad in your husband and provoke him with arguments for no good reason, you have some issue that needs addressing. You have flawed thinking somewhere. You really need to get to the bottom of it. Especially if it's destroying your life and the lives of those you love. The first step in any self-help regimen is admitting you have a problem. Now that you recognize it, work towards fixing it. It's got to be better than what you've got now.
bab Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Hi dark_horse, I agree with Krytellan. You should let your husband know that you realize what has been going on. If you feel like you can talk to him, then you should. If you can't, then write him a letter. But either the conversation or the letter should end with and I have an appointment with a psycologist on x-date. Get some help and learn some coping techniques. In addition, once you've admitted your own faults it will be easier for your husband to also find ways to help you out and possibly show that he appreciates you more. Good luck.
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