Validate me

[Cliche]

I am not irrational, right? This list pretty much conclusively proves that the guy who told me he was separated wasn't, right? I'm not the nutty one? Honest opinions.

 

First, there was this morning when his car was in the driveway of his wife's house where he is not supposed to live (he called me and left a message saying he was retrieving files, but it was very early and I KNOW he doesn't get up that early).

 

On nights he has stayed over at my house, he has a suitcase in his car.

On Thanksgiving, I told him I'd call him at a certain time (5pm). He had his cell phone off. He didn't call me back until 11 p.m.

He keeps his cell phone off between 5-9 weekdays and all day weekends.

He'll call me at those times, but only when he is out somewhere (store, etc.)

I've bought him clothes as gifts. He never wears them. They've disappeared into some black hole apparently.

When I asked him when he was planning on getting divorced, he gave me a lot of rigamorale, but no answer of substance whatsoever.

Everytime I've asked him to do something on a weekend, he gives me a very hard time. And we never do spontaneous stuff on weekends.

He has been vague about certain questions (like did he ever cheat on his wife...he had told me that hadn't had sex for years prior to his separation), but then he offers me very detailed stories about things I don't question (like where he was when I called and he didn't answer).

He has introduced me to certain friends, but his acquaintances in a certain community, he's told me he wanted to keep our relationship secret because it wasn't there business (that's a fire red flag, isn't it?)

He always paid in cash.

He wouldn't stay over most times when I asked, unless I pushed.

He broke promises and then didn't bother to even acknowledge he broke them.

I asked for his home number (he supposedly lived with his mom temporarily). He said he'd give it to me. Never did. Asked again, still didn't bother.

He told me I couldn't go over to his mom's house because his stepdad was sick and they didn't like company.

He promised I'd meet his mom, but I never did (though I did talk to her on his cell phone)

He was always shopping around his wife's house, even though he was supposed to live 12 miles farther south.

I'd offer to meet him near his mom's house, but he never would.

He almost never made it to my house before 10 p.m.

The only times I'd see him before 10 p.m. is when he had some sort of group meeting that he'd ask me to accompany him to.

He kept his cell phone off around me.

He once made a comment that he hadn't seen his stepdad (who is supposed to be living with) in a few days. When I questioned it, he said because he was sick, he was always sleeping.

He was not available for Thanksgiving. He is not available for Christmas

 

So, when he called and left me a message saying I was making too much of the car in the driveway thing, and insinuating that I was being irrational, he's not right, is he? While I realize the above is all circumstancial, taken as a whole, it pretty much confirms what I have accused him of---which is that he is married and intends to stay that way, right?

 

Okay, just feeling kinda foolish and insecure and unsure now....

[Jane Doe]

No, you're not irrational at all. You're finally seeing the light. My guess is that he's been married all along and living with her. Don't be surprised to find out there were other women besides you he was involved with.

 

Now that you know the truth and know what a deceitful liar he really is, stay away from him. You owe him no good-byes, no explanations, no "lets be friends" speeches. Just go. Cut him out of your life completely and permanently. Don't let him make a fool of you one second longer.

[Seen_It_All]

Oh boy...the only thing this guy ISN'T doing is driving a mini van with baby seats in it when he comes to your house. LOL...or is he?

 

So many red flags are waving that I can't even see my keyboard as I type this. He wants to keep you 'secret' from his friends because it's none of their business, is that it? Good God, what a con man.

 

I'm not a betrayed wife, but I often read the infidelity boards and you'd be AMAZED at how many wives have discovered their husbands were running ads on dating sites, claiming to be SINGLE or DIVORCED. These predators have learned that most women are less than enthusiastic about jumping into anything with them if they admit to being married, so they lie their friggen ASSES off to get what they want.

 

YOU have nothing to feel foolish about. You are more than likely the victim of a con man - the operative word here being "victim." Those red flags are waving for a reason - don't ignore them.

[Guest]

i was banned recently from a site, and why? because i spoke the truth about someone and it wasn't pretty. and so what they do is allow her to really mock others but when simply presented with fact, instead of being accountable - they hide still.

 

i simply asked a real honest question on one site and they banned me.

 

i actually think i hate this woman now - i really do. not in any other way than she is truly sick to do things like this and associate with.......

 

whatever, i hope the next time she struggles - and she will because that is what she does, i get to watch her from afar like she has done.

 

what a complete and utter waste of 4 years - i give her no more of my time.

[GreenEyedLady]

What is this all about? Is this related at all to anything anyone has said here? If it doesn't it doesn't belong here...

[Guest]

my apologizes, i am hurting deeply.

 

this woman i once dated, i hurt bad because i became depressed and addicted and i would like nothing more than to never 'use' again and i know that all i need is a letter or a voice mesage from her saying that she doesn't see me as some horrible monster and that she understands i did my best. is that asking to much?

 

i would never reply or contact her again. i just need forgiveness.

 

i would appreciate your advice.

[movinon05]

I was with my exMM for 7 yrs. About 4 yrs into it, I told him I had had enough and he moved out to an apartment. Within a month I found out that he was home more than I liked. So I drove by the house early in the morning and there was his truck, a number of times. He said it was because he wanted to be there to see his son before he left for school. It didn't feel right to me. Then he was there during the summer as well at all odd times, and after work (supposedly discussing the separation agreement with his W), even though he would be at his apartment at other times, but it became more rare. I felt like a mad woman, doing drive bys and trying to catch him. Within two months he "said" he had moved back in because he couldn't afford the apartment.

 

Although you have more than enough red flags in your face, try driving by the house early one or two more times and I think you'll have your answer. And then run for the hills. Its really not worth it. Its hell living with this anxiety, isn't it? You don't want to live like this. It will only get worse.

[Freedom Now]

Please walk away from him. He is lying to you and that should be enough for you to leave him in the dust.

 

Relationships should not be based upon lies. Yours is and mine was.

 

Save yourself the heartache now and end it. Take your power back. It will be easier to walk away if YOU do it.

 

Expect him to try and worm him way back but stay strong. You deserve so much better. He literally "stole" your heart like my MM did.

 

Run for the hills.....

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Cliche vbmenu_register("postmenu_1008260", true); , He is obviously lying to you. I think you know this but your judgement is clouded at the moment because of your emotions involved. Whatever made you fall for him are based on lies. He is not the person you think he is. I am a BS and when my H was having the A, he would say anything for the OW's benefit. My H dropped the A as soon as I found out and the OW filed a false complaint again him for revenge. Maybe you should try talking to the wife if you really want confirmation but things can get ugly ... it all depends on how bad you want the truth and can live with the consequences ...

[movinon05]

My concern for you is that he will find all kinds of excuses, little lies, etc. to cover for whatever you say, to the point that you are doubting yourself as you are now. Note your words: "Okay, just feeling kinda foolish and insecure and unsure now...." HE has made you feel this way.

 

This is why I said to do a little sleuthing of your own so you don't have to doubt yourself. Believe me, when I found out about some of his lies, he still managed to sucker me back with excuses, or apologizing that he would never lie again, and making more promises to me than I care to think about. Find a way to catch him and then end it cold turkey. Beware that he is going to try to lie his way out of everything. Just don't fall for it. Get out while you can.

[puddleofmud]

Oh boy...the only thing this guy ISN'T doing is driving a mini van with baby seats in it when he comes to your house. LOL...or is he?

 

Giggle...sorry, Cliche, I am not laughing at you nor about your situation.

BUT, for those of us who have seen all these signs--it becomes ironic and at times, humorous, when we see that they are always so similar.

Someone mentioned that there must a cheater's manual somewhere because it is as if they use the same step by step patterns.

 

The evidence is overwhelming and you already have your answer(s). Even if he isn't still w/ his wife and may not be sleeping w/ her what does it matter? This situation is just to messy at this juncture.

He isn't spending the time w/ you that you deserve nor making your relationship a priority.

Wanting to be a priority in any relationship is not irrational--it's NORMAL.

Being unable to make plans, have spontaneous fun and talk at all hours is NORMAL, not to mention romantic!

It really doesn't matter what his excuses may be: if you speak w/ him at all I wouldn't even ask about these things. I would simply state w/no details or explanations that the relationship isn't enough for you and you no longer wish to continue. He may give some excuses about how he will do better, etc. but just don't put up w/ it.

"Sorry, it's been nice but I have a party to go to tonight so later!" "hope things work out for ya! Bye now"

In my opinion any one who is not properly dating nor courting a woman needs to get lost.

I know you are hurting but remember you are SINGLE so why tie a knot that isn't there?

[norajane]

puddleofmud has it right - it's almost irrelevant whether he's separated or still living with his wife or whatever, because you aren't getting nearly what you want out of this relationship and you feel like hell.

 

For the record, I think he's still with his wife and lying his ass off to you.

[kymberann]

Hi Cliche,

Go with your gut instinct on this one. Don't be fooled into his rationalizing that you are the insecure and unsure one. You will definetly lose the ability to use your gut instinct if you do.

 

If he was available even as a seperated guy, he would put you and the R. first

And of course he wants to tell you that you are making too much of the situation because if his jig is ever up, look who gets the finger point for being the crazy!! YOU. Don't let it happen. Believe you me, these feelings are normal and I am sure a whole lot of us would be concerned if you weren't feeling this way.

Best.

[Cliche]

I don't know how to do this. It hurts to bad. Why do I want to believe him so? He cried to me when I tried to break it off. How many of you got that? Probably all, I suppose. I haven't taken him back completely, but I'm not ready to let go. He told me he'd be divorced in 3 months. How many of you have heard that one as well?

 

It hurts too much. How did I get into this? I didn't ask for this!

[Cliche]

And aren't there ever any of these that work?

[movinon05]

Cliche, I knew your personality as soon as I read your thread. It has me (in the past) written all over it, that is why I am trying to talk to you. Its very easy for people to say just turn away because you have all these flags, but I know in your heart it is not that easy.

 

A few years ago I saw this site but never wrote in it because I knew in my heart I was going to be with MM and I had nothing in common with these people. No one could tell me differently.

 

You've been given a lot of evidence. (btw, how long have you been with him?). Did he admit to you that he is still in the house? In the end, it won't make any difference, because until you are sure, you will always suspect.

 

My exMM moved out a number of times. He lied to me often, but I didn't catch on for a number of years. Even when I caught him in his lies, I still let him worm his way back in.

 

Yes, he cried. He actually got down on his hands and knees and begged me to give him another chance. It took me a bit, but, of course, I did. I just kept saying, maybe this time, maybe this time.

 

First of all, he needs to come clean. And then you need to make a decision. What is the 3 months all about? Why 3 months? What are his excuses. I have probably heard them all.

 

If you do decide you still want him after he admits he has been lying, then you have to go NC. Tell him he's got 3 months. Draw the line and don't waiver. If he's serious, he will do it with no excuses.

 

Personally, I would rather see you walk away. But I know how hard that is. I just don't want to see you still here 7 years from now.

[Cliche]

I just don't want to see you still here 7 years from now.

Lordalmighty, neither do I!

 

It's been 9 months. I've asked him many times about why not divorce and the claim is money due to a past illness that is still a huge debt. Oh and health insurance.

 

He told me that he is in the house only part-time because he does not have a permanent residence so he still has a lot of stuff there. He said he has his own room, rarely sees her, and that their lives are completely separate. We have a mutual friend (how we met as it turns out) who pretty much confirmed this as the extent of their relationship to me today.

 

But here's the problem, here's what I know. I am hurt and in love, but not a fool. He lied to me about the extent of his living arrangements even after I asked him about them several months ago. And he is actively covering up his relationship with me around her...I'm sure of it...I mean, look at that list! That means I'm affair. He swears I'm not. He swears that I am "the woman" not "the other woman." But that's not the truth. I know it.

 

I think his feelings for me are sincere, but I'm not convinced that this marriage is over. I'm just not. He swears it is. Do I give him those 3 months? I mean, how much more will it hurt in 3 months than it does now? If I absolutely positively commit to 3 months, how much more damage can there be? I want to give him that time and then I don't.

 

Do they ever follow through? Does this ever work?

 

I can't stand the phone off thing. REally, I can't stand that one.

 

I know people who were married, had an affair, ended their marriage and are in great relationships with the people who were once the OW/OM. How do I tell if this is one of those times?

 

 

I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS! It wasn't supposed to be this way!!

[movinon05]

If his wife knows they are getting divorced, why does he need to make all those excuses? Why is he not available on Thanksgiving and Christmas? How is the situation going to change in 3 months from what it is now? If he has a room, why does he have to "stay" at the residence? If he has a room, why is he not available by phone in the evenings and on weekends? Why does he shut the cell phone off when he is with you?

 

I don't believe for one second that he has "a room". And now he's buying time.

 

No, its never the way we want it to be. But now you have to deal in reality.

[kymberann]

You are in shock, everything is surreal right now. You don't know what to believe and where to go. All natural responses. I feel for you, I do. No one wants these situations to happen. But they do. Whether right or wrong, it's going to be a roller coaster. Just my two cents, he lied to you about his R with W, what else is he holding back. I agree, he needs to come clean. Only you will know if he really does.

 

The reality is, someone hurt you, is hurting you. There is always more to the story. These situations are so convoluted and hard to make sense. However you need to take time to care for yourself. Think about this: knowing what you know now, would it be more painful staying with MM than leaving the situation?

 

You won't get an answer over night, it will come to you when you are ready. Just give it time. My heart goes out to you.

[Ladyjane14]

Do I give him those 3 months? I mean, how much more will it hurt in 3 months than it does now? If I absolutely positively commit to 3 months, how much more damage can there be?

 

The damage is that even if you end up together... life has a way of moving on. They'll be times when you have spats. They'll be times when you don't know EXACTLY where he is or what he's doing.

 

And every one of those times... you're gonna wonder. What was the truth? Did he lie to you before? Is he lying to you now?

 

For the sake of your future peace of mind, your best bet is to get the truth. Even if you have to walk up to his door and get it for yourself.

[Guest]

And aren't there ever any of these that work?

 

Affairs never work that's why their called Affairs!

 

Now should the MM leave his marriage because he is unhappy in his marriage and NOT for the sake of leaving because he found you, perhaps things can turn around.

[GreenEyedLady]

Cliche...I am kind of in the same boat as you...I was lied to for over a year...you need to take a while and think about what you want...You know what it's going to be like already, because you've been living like that for nine months...the only thing now is that you KNOW now...

[Seen_It_All]

He lied to me about the extent of his living arrangements even after I asked him about them several months ago. And he is actively covering up his relationship with me around her...

 

I know people who were married, had an affair, ended their marriage and are in great relationships with the people who were once the OW/OM. How do I tell if this is one of those times?

 

Cliche, the answer to this is so simplistic that I'm surprised you don't see it. Anyone who LIES TO YOU FROM DAY #1 - and CONTINUES lying to you for 9 months - is a piece of garbage. Period.

 

You've got yourself a LYING CON MAN. He deserves to be run over in the street, not loved.

 

I can see that you're now desperately trying to cling to whatever scraps you can get at this point. I believe this is called the bargaining phase.

 

Step WAY back, recoup your pride and self esteem, and tell this parasite he's a piece of trash and to get lost.

[frannie]

Cliche, the answer to this is so simplistic that I'm surprised you don't see it. Anyone who LIES TO YOU FROM DAY #1 - and CONTINUES lying to you for 9 months - is a piece of garbage. Period.

 

Can't disagree with that one.

[kymberann]

I'll run him over! I AM in the anger stage!!