PandorasBox Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Do you think people who hold grudges are people that are just unhappy people in general? I mean, sure I understand someone getting mad about something that someone did or said, but I never understood why some people will hold a grudge for so long. Especially if its something that happened long ago. I can't see holding a grudge, and sure maybe it depends on what it is, but I feel like holding a grudge would be a waste of time. I mean you're not really hurting the other person you're holding the grudge against, you are hurting yourself from being free of anger, or so I would think. Holding a grduge never lets one move forward. Maybe they think by holding a grudge it hurts the other person, or maybe its about control. They feel if they hold a grudge they are in control? I think its the other way around maybe. I'm not meaning getting mad at someone for a few days or weeks, and then getting over it, but more of a grudge for months and years. Have you ever held a grudge? If so, for what, and how long? What purpose did it serve you?
blind_otter Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I have held a grudge before. I hated my mother for years because of her disciplining method, beating her children with a stick or punching them in the face. I think it was fear, for me. Fear that it would happen again if I let my guard down. And then as a result I began holding grudges against other people, because I was afraid they would hurt me if I ever let my guard down again. I used to be of the mindset, fool me once, shame on you -- forever and for all eternity. It's hard to get over that behavioral habit pattern. But IMO, it's fear, and fear is not always so easy to conquer. For some, that's what rules their life.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 yeah i think so. it takes a lot of extra effort to keep harboring the grudge feelings, usually resentment, anger.... no positive emotions. all those bad vibes..... tsk *tsk*
a4a Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I don't hold grudges. I am a 'shut up and just die' kinda person. I prefer they just go away. I don't care enough to hold a grudge, I just want to be free of them. Although if you count being aware of toxic people and no longer allowing them into your life as holding a grudge..... I have lots of those. But I have no feelings for them that amount to anything. No hate or even real dislike. Just 'whatever'.
Author PandorasBox Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I have held a grudge before. I hated my mother for years because of her disciplining method, beating her children with a stick or punching them in the face. I think it was fear, for me. Fear that it would happen again if I let my guard down. And then as a result I began holding grudges against other people, because I was afraid they would hurt me if I ever let my guard down again. I used to be of the mindset, fool me once, shame on you -- forever and for all eternity. It's hard to get over that behavioral habit pattern. But IMO, it's fear, and fear is not always so easy to conquer. For some, that's what rules their life. Oh I'm so sorry about that. Nothing ticks me more than to hear of a parent being ugly to their kids. And I'm sure it stems from their own problems but it just chaps my hide. Sorry had to let that out. You know, after I found out, my now ex husband had cheated, of course I was mad, furious even, but after al that crap he put me through I can't say I ever really held a grudge so to speak. I was mad sure, and hurt but after time passed I just thought, you know what, I'm not going to let what this man did to me, make me bitter and hurt others around me. There was times I wanted too though. I wanted to hurt others I cared about, I wanted to hold a grudge thinking that if he can do this so can others. And even though i know others can or maybe even wil hurt me again, I can get mad, but not stay that way. Maybe they are mini grudges. I know of a lady I work with and she is just plain an unhappy person period. She has told me before, almost bragging like, that she will hold a grudge in a heartbeat against people no matter what. I couldn't help but think, oh so she sets her self up or expects to be hurt or for someoen to piss her off at some point? So she goes ahead and prepares her self to hold a grudge? Thats her frame of mind I guess.
blind_otter Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 It's self-fulfilling prophecy. If you expect the world to be a horrible place, believe me, it will be....but if you expect the best very often you'll feel better about the world in general.
JackJack Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I don't hold grudges. I am a 'shut up and just die' kinda person. I prefer they just go away. I don't care enough to hold a grudge, I just want to be free of them. Although if you count being aware of toxic people and no longer allowing them into your life as holding a grudge..... I have lots of those. But I have no feelings for them that amount to anything. No hate or even real dislike. Just 'whatever'. I agree with this and I'm pretty much like this too. I used to not be, but have developed that mind set over the years. I got to the point to where I felt it was pointless for me to hold a grudge. I put alot of time and effort into being mad and for what? A heart attack or stroke at a young age? I think not. I couldn't deal with the drama or stress holding a grudge againist another person, plus I just couldn't help but feel it was wrong. Heres a quote I found about grudges that was from Buddy Hackett and it rings true, or for me it does. "I've had a few arguements with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they are out dancing." Its true, and I think the people who are out dancing, its not that they don't care always, but it could be that they just feel, theres nothing they can do, or say to change someones mind and if a person wants to spend their lives being mad or holding a grudge then so be it. Doesn't mean others have to suffer because someone else chooses to stay pissed off.
bluetuesday Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 i have never been a grudge holder. never had the capacity to do it and have never really had the occasion either. mostly people have been super nice to me, or if they haven't i've forgotten about it. when i found out my grandad (now dead) sexually abused my mum from the age of six, i was very upset for her of course, but i couldn't hold a grudge against him. what would be the point? a grudge allows a person's actions to continually hurt you. but b_o is right, it's fear. fear they will hurt you again if you don't keep reinforcing the horrible thing they did and reminding yourself of it. i understand why other people hold them but i wish for their sake they wouldn't. a grudge is a tie to someone who hurt you. life is way too short and too precious. a few years ago when my brother tried to have sex with me i thought i might be starting to hold my first real grudge against him, but that passed pretty quickly too. i was sad in case things couldn't ever be the same between us through the sheer awkwardness of being in the same room as each other. i did go through a period of being too scared to be alone with him, but when i see him now i genuinely don't think about it and we've been alone lots of times. if i'd have held a grudge, people would have wanted to know why and the knowledge of why would have split the family in two. now things are totally fine between us. see? he just texted me while i was writing that to say he'll be stopping over here on saturday if that's okay with me (it is). grudges are horrible, destructive things which keep wounds torn wide open. forgiveness is the band aid you need.
My Fair Katie Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Have you ever held a grudge? If so, for what, and how long? What purpose did it serve you? Depends on who you ask. My parents would tell you I'm holding a grudge for cutting of contact with them. Personally, I don't feel it's a grudge, I wish them the best with their lives but prefer to not be a part of it. It is NOT (imo) holding a grudge, but rather insulating myself from a situation that has no benefits. At least that's what my therapist says. As far as how long, since last March. Also my husband thinks I have a grudge against his mom for being mean to me. No grudges there either, I just don't really like her that much, but I'm still nice to her. Hmm, maybe I'm just foolin' myself.
BARBGURL Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I spent most of my life putting people into catergories. I had a close friend who did something that I considered, and still do consider, wrong, immoral, and hurtful to me. I threw her out of my home, and told her never to even consider contact ever again. I went a step farther and informed everyone in our "circle of friends" who did not already know, what she had done. In short she was ostracized from everyone for approximately 8 1/2 years. She asked me a couple of times lift the ban, but I couldn't offer forgiveness when she had no remorse. Last year, I decided it was time to let it go. I told her it was water under the bridge and invited her one of our "get togethers". She is still a selfish person, but she can hang herself, it's not my job. I made it a pattern. I said "bygones" to those who had been estranged and made a point of contacting and thanking those people who had a positive impact on my life. People who really made a difference, I felt should know they had done so. I felt really good at the end of it all.
Benji86 Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I am someone who has a lot of pride in everything I do, so if someone does something to me to make me feel like my pride is being taken away or questioned, I get extremely bothered by this. I do not enjoy holding grudges....it just happens :::Booo::
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 can someone correct me if i am wrong about this? i ask because i have never and never will hold a grudge against someone. if someone does something mean or cruel i try not to reply in kind, and exactly try the opposite, try to heal [which always makes things worse - so, i rarely do anything now] - but when u do that does that mean u will do something against them or simply never forgive their actions? no sure what thr rules of grudging are.
BARBGURL Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I view a grudge as a feeling toward another person. Either resentment or dislike because of some act that hurt you in some way. As far as how people handle it, that's individual. Personally, I had a habit of simply eliminating people from my life. Piss me off = dead to me. ( I've calmed through the years ) Some people may choose to be actively vengeful.
Guest Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 i have never had to 'remove' someone from my life - let alone someone i cared for and it has been extremely hard and painful to have to view her actions towards me and know that this person i once shared everything with like no-one else, has absolutely zero feelings towards me other than hate - and if u have never gone thru something like that it rips u up and i got very ill. i have never experienced something like this from someone before - i think it is rare. i have had to go thru things and do things no-one should have to because a relationship ends. i have never cut up pix, packed away things she gave me [i was amazed after 4 year there were only two things she gave me - a ring and a journal, nothing else - can u believe that?], i have never encountered, let alone being with someone, that simply would not lift a finger to help some even when they know it would make a diff. can u imagine, taking from your man, free rent and almost every bill covered, planning to down pay their debt, care for their daughter, support them thru school and find work, transfer their child to a great school, give up your possessions to use hers, cook meals, plan and take trips, record and write music with them for the first time, see their parents while they never see yers, have them accuse you of faking a depression knowing full well how sick you were and then dropping them as soon as u can, telling them hurtful things and do nothing but play sims2 and watch rick mercer while yer man is punishing his body downstairs, go to concerts, parks, etc. and so much more and then when asked to do one thing - a simple call or sign that u care and returning nothing? could u do something like that? would u sign court papers making someone use their daughter, turn yer friends against him all because he got sick and depressed and addicted when for all his life he was never like this? what kind of person does this stuff?
DominicanMami Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I have held a grudge before. It might seem childish and immature, but sometimes you get hurt by someone so bad, it's hard to let go. Personally, I feel like if I just let something go when someone did me dirty, I am letting them get away with being a jerk. Check it-I had this boyfriend who cheated on me, and the girl he cheated with said he raped her! Since I felt sorry for him, I hired an attorney to get him out of jail. He ended up beating the charges, and never paid me back any of the money I spent on his legal defense! That was 4 years ago, and I still hold a grudge to this day-sometimes you just need to keep in mind how grimey a person can be, so you know never to associate with them again!
Recommended Posts