skimmy Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Hi everyone, this is my first time posting in this particular forum. Can I ask, who here got involved with a MM while he was separated from his wife? Here's my situation. My man has been separated from his wife for a few months, and he is planning on getting a divorce. I met him about 3 months ago, and we clicked really quickly and we're completely in love...I'm 29, and he's 30, so we're not youngin's who have illusions about love. He was separated and planning on divorce before I met him, but is waiting for enough $$ to start the process. I'm not afraid of taking the difficult path, and I know that it's going to be a b!tch, but I would like to know what kind of bumps and detours are in the road ahead...what has been everyone else's experience? And I'm not really interested in hearing "Break up with him" or anything like that...I have already decided I'm not going to. I love him and he loves me and he's already made it clear to me and his wife that it's over between them, it's just a matter of $$ and time now. Oh, and he has two young children, 3 and 5. I'd sure love to hear what you all think.
bonehead Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 You already know its not an easy road, but it may not be as hard as you think. I would like to know what kind of bumps and detours are in the road ahead It can go as smoothly as just filing paperwork, showing up it court a few times, poof your divorced, or as rough as fighting over assets, custody, visitation. Alot of it depends on how mature they are about the divorce.
Author skimmy Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Alot of it depends on how mature they are about the divorce. I don't know about her maturity...I've seen some of the emails she sent him, and she's pretty mean to him. If you've ever read "How to Dump Your Wife," he says she's in between Wife 1 and Wife 2, good to the kids but mean to him.
bonehead Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I don't know about her maturity...I've seen some of the emails she sent him, and she's pretty mean to him. If you've ever read "How to Dump Your Wife," he says she's in between Wife 1 and Wife 2, good to the kids but mean to him. What you have seen in the way of emails comes from a woman who is scared and hurt.
Author skimmy Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Yeah that's what I figured too...that she's reacting emotionally...but she doesn't have enough self awareness to realize that, so everything is "his fault" and he didn't really want to be verbally abused anymore. I'd also love to hear about other issues I might possibly come up against, i.e. relationship with his kids and how other people dealt with similar situations.
bonehead Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 But i have a great relationship with my MW ( seperated though ) children and her with mine.
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Other than just being your sweet loving self you may wish to talk with your partner about about how to support the children regarding consistent parenting via custody/visitation, what will be the boundaries as far as how the children are disciplined when present with the two of you or when alone with you, whether you should accompany him to teacher/parent conferences, how much input are you allowed, etc. In other words if child A wants to wear make-up and Mom says she is not allowed, and child B wants to play pee wee soccer and has asthma and Dad says that's not a good idea, where are YOU in all this? Best wishes to all for a loving and happy life!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Try to understand that divorce isn't a simple matter of him leaving his wife. Leaving his wife will be the easy part. I'm sure he has no problem with that part. The hard part comes when he has to leave the life he established with her. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to even think of having to move away from your kids - even if it is only for a few days a week? What it will be like to not be there to tuck them in, wake up with them in the morning, etc. It isn't easy - the marriage can be as cold and dead as a rock, but those kids - man, leaving the kids is not an easy thing to do. No one wants to be demoted from full time parent down to part time parent - and the hardest thing to face and deal with is the fact that he demoted himself. Guilt. Anger. Shame. All that is coming down the pike. Be prepared. Another thing that is hard to let go of is the established way of life. He has his home, his stuff all in a certain place, his memories, etc - all of that stuff is settled. He is going to have to find some way to go from a way of life down to a collection of cardboard boxes and an anonymous new place and somehow make a new life out of that. Starting all over again at 30. Facing and dealing with the failure of the marriage. The failure of that life they shared. Dealing with his extended family. Making the break with her extended family. Paying out money for the divorce and settlement, etc. He will need time to think about this stuff. I'm sure he loves you, but that in no way will detract from the feeling of loss he is going to feel when his life as he knows it slips out from under him. Be patient with him - give him time, and if he needs it give him some space too. It won't be easy for him.
Author skimmy Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Try to understand that divorce isn't a simple matter of him leaving his wife. Leaving his wife will be the easy part. I'm sure he has no problem with that part. The hard part comes when he has to leave the life he established with her. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to even think of having to move away from your kids - even if it is only for a few days a week? What it will be like to not be there to tuck them in, wake up with them in the morning, etc. It isn't easy - the marriage can be as cold and dead as a rock, but those kids - man, leaving the kids is not an easy thing to do. No one wants to be demoted from full time parent down to part time parent - and the hardest thing to face and deal with is the fact that he demoted himself. Guilt. Anger. Shame. All that is coming down the pike. Be prepared. Another thing that is hard to let go of is the established way of life. He has his home, his stuff all in a certain place, his memories, etc - all of that stuff is settled. He is going to have to find some way to go from a way of life down to a collection of cardboard boxes and an anonymous new place and somehow make a new life out of that. Starting all over again at 30. Facing and dealing with the failure of the marriage. The failure of that life they shared. Dealing with his extended family. Making the break with her extended family. Paying out money for the divorce and settlement, etc. He will need time to think about this stuff. I'm sure he loves you, but that in no way will detract from the feeling of loss he is going to feel when his life as he knows it slips out from under him. Be patient with him - give him time, and if he needs it give him some space too. It won't be easy for him. Thank you soo much...your advice is very helpful.
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