Meggedy Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Recently I started dating a VERY nice guy. We get along like old friends. He calls every day, and even just the calls to say "hi" turn into hours-long conversations about anything and everything. I enjoy our talks. One problemo. He's been lonely for a while (this is to be expected in his current situation, without going into detail, it is kind of unique), nobody to talk to really. Most of our conversations, despite my best efforts, turn to his past...and he has had some pretty sh*tty stuff happen to him. It's like he just wants to get it all out, and when I asked him about this, he said he just hasn't had anyone to talk to in a while and he feels like he can tell me anything. I have always been the person people say they "can just talk to," so this isn't new in friendships. But with a new relationship, this is unusual. It's not like this is all there is between us, everything else is progressing normally, but I don't really know that I want to know all his secrets up front. Now, I have my own demons, for sure. But - and I have told him this - I'm not ready to dig em up and put them on display for him. Someday, sure, right now, not ready for all that. I guess I don't know what my question is. This is just such a unique situation that I am looking for outside opinions on his behavior. Anybody ever had something like this happen to them? Thanks! M
HeadlessZebra Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 A tiny red flag goes up in my head and whispers "issues!" Careful with that. If he's unloading baggage this soon into the relationship, it could point to even bigger problems waiting to be told. If he's just bursting at the seams like that, just has to get them out, imagine how full of them he is... Then again, I don't know the severity of the stuff he's talking about. Examples?
typical Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Anybody ever had something like this happen to them? Yes, in my personal experience, this: Now, I have my own demons, for sure. But - and I have told him this - I'm not ready to dig em up and put them on display for him Will never even come into play. Someday, sure, right now, not ready for all that. You might never get that opportunity because its always going to be "all about him". When you have a problem, you can count on him turning it all around to where you will eventually end up discussing his issues. Should you happen to develop a strange urge to divulge a haunting secret, dont bother. Chances are, the whole time you are relating your story, he is developing another one that is over the top fantastic and practically hopping on one foot until you finish. The moment you pause, bam! he delivers his devestating story with a crashing crescendo that will leave you floored, thus wiping out your heartfelt story in one sweeping blow. This might or might not be happening in your situation. I was just giving you my take on it based on personal experience. It was always "all about him". I kept having the strange vague feeling that he was trying to one-up me on everything. After a while, I was reluctant to bring even the slightest issue up. I spent many a night playing therapist, battling his inner demons with him, it was so exhausting after awhile, and I couldnt really see him in a romantic light quite so much. He just took so much of my...everything.....and after a little while there was so many traumatic episodes, to the very extreme, with me literally talking him out of scuicidal episodes, binges, etc. It was horrific and I developed a horrid permanent tic from it... But your experience may differ. Just make sure you dont lose yourself in it.
Author Meggedy Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 A tiny red flag goes up in my head and whispers "issues!" Careful with that. If he's unloading baggage this soon into the relationship, it could point to even bigger problems waiting to be told. If he's just bursting at the seams like that, just has to get them out, imagine how full of them he is... Then again, I don't know the severity of the stuff he's talking about. Examples? He had a crappy childhood, issues with parents....I met his parents so this is how that one came up. Issues with exes...his kid's mom is completely gone so he certainly has to continually deal with the aftermath of that with his child. etc etc. Basically it's a lot of stuff that, had it happened to me, would definitely affect my outlook and the way that I viewed the world, and it still affects his lifestyle of course. I have no problem being there and listening, it just surprises me that he would be so willing to unload this stuff to me since he doesn't know me all that well. I agree, I guess the reason I'm asking is that it is something of a red flag to me...
HeadlessZebra Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 He had a crappy childhood, issues with parents....I met his parents so this is how that one came up. Issues with exes...his kid's mom is completely gone so he certainly has to continually deal with the aftermath of that with his child. etc etc. Basically it's a lot of stuff that, had it happened to me, would definitely affect my outlook and the way that I viewed the world, and it still affects his lifestyle of course. I have no problem being there and listening, it just surprises me that he would be so willing to unload this stuff to me since he doesn't know me all that well. I agree, I guess the reason I'm asking is that it is something of a red flag to me... Well I say the problem with half the realtionships on LS is that people involve themselves with issue-ridden individuals, thinking they can do the job of a licensed professional. IMO people with significant problems should not date seriously until they've done their time in therapy. It's not fair to them or to the innocent partner who has to bear the brunt of their inner turmoil. If I were you, I would take the relationship down a notch until you're sure whether you can deal with his issues. And if you find that you can't or shouldn't, do not feel ashamed to walk away. You do not owe anyone anything, you are not Mother Teresa. It's not your responsibility to counsel a man through years of trauma, no matter how noble an action it is. You deserve peace and a healthy partner.
typical Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 read my above situation. Now times that by 1000. Should give you a clue as to what is in store. I have no problem being there and listening One day you will rue the day you have uttered these words... At least, right now you are blissfully unaware, because everything is so new and shiny but before too long, you literally will be a "captive" audience. . If he's just bursting at the seams like that, just has to get them out, imagine how full of them he is... The zebra is right.
moman Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 If I were you, I would take the relationship down a notch until you're sure whether you can deal with his issues. And if you find that you can't or shouldn't, do not feel ashamed to walk away. You do not owe anyone anything, you are not Mother Teresa. It's not your responsibility to counsel a man through years of trauma, no matter how noble an action it is. You deserve peace and a healthy partner. It's not fair to dump on someone all the time, but everyone has some sort of issue. Part of being a partner in a relationship is to help with these issues. If I like the girl, I offer unconditional support. Does it sometimes hurt the romance? YES. Does it ruin the relationship? NEVER. It makes it a lot stronger even if the romance dies down. I am tired of playing therapist too but it's part of the deal of being involved with someone else. if the problems are TOO many or all SELF-inflicted, then it's fair for you to question whether you want to be a partner and help or turn and walk.
HeadlessZebra Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 It's not fair to dump on someone all the time, but everyone has some sort of issue. Part of being a partner in a relationship is to help with these issues. If I like the girl, I offer unconditional support. Does it sometimes hurt the romance? YES. Does it ruin the relationship? NEVER. It makes it a lot stronger even if the romance dies down. Yes, but that's why I specified significant issues. That's why I advised her to watch and see if his issues were the kind that could be dealt with or not. It's a continuum, and everyone has to draw a line somewhere: what amount of baggage they're willing to accept. Too many issues can and will ruin the relationship.
Kamille Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Since everyone does have issues, I guess what I would look for in this situation is how he goes about coping with his issues. Is he open to new perspectives? Is he taking your or other people's advice into account in his reflexions? Is he taking actions to help him conquer his past? Or is he revealing a lot because he believes that talking about issues is actually all he needs to do to deal with his issues?
bluetuesday Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Since everyone does have issues... no, everyone has experiences. they don't become 'issues' in all people. some people rise above whatever life has thrown at them. they are balanced and uncomplicated and relaxed and it's a genuine pleasure to have a relationship with them. i know this isn't pleasant to hear if you happen to be a person who has issues and thinks that normal, but it's nonetheless true. to answer the OP, you cannot successfully be someone's lover and therapist. for someone to genuinely make an attempt to work through, and past, their issues, they need to not link the success of this process to someone they're romantically involved with. as long as they link the solution to their problems with their partner, their mental health is based on the partner being around. and if the relationship fails, so does their journey to recovery. by all means be totally supportive, as you seem to be already, but it does rather sound as if he's offloading too much too soon and i suspect you'll find he likes talking about his issues more than he likes resolving them or more than he likes talking about whatever you're going through. tough call. the only way to find out is to talk to him. if he's the nice guy you say he is, he should understand and he'll either be willing to look at himself objectively or he won't. if you're not happy with his response or if the behaviour you find worrying doesn't change, it doesn't matter why he does it and it doesn't matter why you feel uncomfortable. the fact is he does, and you do, and in that case you have to question if this one has a future.
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I think most would agree that if you like someone in a romantic way, it is inappropriate to cry on their shoulder about stuff that happened previously (at least it is for at least a year or so). If someone is unable to appreciate these boundaries and spills everything to you, then there is something very wrong emotionally and they are looking for a rescuer. I don't know if you have ever been there before, but you DO NOT want to be a rescuer. There is NOTHING good that can come from it. The problems don't ever go away, they just get more and more pathetic. I would never tell a girl I was interested in dating about bad things that have happened to me... who would? Sounds pathetic.
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 hi k, i am glad i saw this post because it really strikes home for me. see, all my life i have been someone that people could lean on and count on in ways u all describe. to me, being there and doing that is an important part of a relationship. i want my partner to be able to do that and know that she can do so unconditionally - i have always taken pride in being multi-demensional [father, lover, confidant] and i would expect someone i was with to trust that not everyone sees these things as 'fixing'. there is a funny thing i have notice recently where couples are expected to be open and show courage by showing weakness and asking for help but when done it becomes troublesome. i have never felt that way. being a part of improving someones life, enriches mine - holding back these kinds of things builds distrust and does nothing to prepare u in time of need. another thing is this, everyone that posted about how 'wrong' it is to 'burden' others with such things, and see that as 'fixing' have u asked yourself, have you ever leaned on someone for support but did not return the kindness? why is 'fixing' a negative? its like when people say i don't want u to 'change' for me! well, duh! change is great. if my partner can show me ways to be better - bring it on. maybe this attitude stems from those who have had to make it on their own for a long time, but should that be something that u use to make judgements about others? and, one last thing, there is nothing wrong with being open and honest right off the bat - that's something that comes with confidence and age. and, most importantly, people should never view these issues as 'heavy' stuff all the time - its just life man.
Walk Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 How about giving him a small "test". Unload one of your less sensitive secrets onto him, and if he listens and tries to be supportive then great. If instead he's interupting, changing subjects, and at every turn it's back onto his problems, his life... either lay down the law on how discussions are going to work in the future, or gracefully make your exit from the relationship.
che_jesse Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Are you sure hes telling you all this because its you or because he just wants to tell someone? If he just wants to talk to someone and it docent really matter who, you know how sometimes your in a coffee shop and you start talking to someone and 20 minutes later they are telling you about the time there brother raped them when they were 10? Like that, people that just want to talk and it does not matter to who. Well anyway, if its like that, then just send him to someone else to talk, like a therapist, or a different friend or something.
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 i was horrible at this. always interrupting, adding my 2 cents, changing and topics - sometimes people just what to tell u something, talk with u [not have u talk at them] and sometimes, u don't need to do anything other than listen, understand, and follow common sense - if it their issues - stay on topic dumbass i thought i listened great but during cognit therapy i discovered my mind was always racing ahead of the conversation, thinking about the next thing i learned to slow down and listen - it actually makes a huge diff - duh
Krytellan Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 hi k, i am glad i saw this post because it really strikes home for me. see, all my life i have been someone that people could lean on and count on in ways u all describe. to me, being there and doing that is an important part of a relationship. i want my partner to be able to do that and know that she can do so unconditionally - i have always taken pride in being multi-demensional [father, lover, confidant] and i would expect someone i was with to trust that not everyone sees these things as 'fixing'. there is a funny thing i have notice recently where couples are expected to be open and show courage by showing weakness and asking for help but when done it becomes troublesome. i have never felt that way. being a part of improving someones life, enriches mine - holding back these kinds of things builds distrust and does nothing to prepare u in time of need. another thing is this, everyone that posted about how 'wrong' it is to 'burden' others with such things, and see that as 'fixing' have u asked yourself, have you ever leaned on someone for support but did not return the kindness? why is 'fixing' a negative? its like when people say i don't want u to 'change' for me! well, duh! change is great. if my partner can show me ways to be better - bring it on. maybe this attitude stems from those who have had to make it on their own for a long time, but should that be something that u use to make judgements about others? and, one last thing, there is nothing wrong with being open and honest right off the bat - that's something that comes with confidence and age. and, most importantly, people should never view these issues as 'heavy' stuff all the time - its just life man. Not sure, but were you addressing me on this? I'll assume so. This is surely a matter of choice. No doubt there. The problem that I have is that if you meet someone that is needing to be fixed, then very often they are never done being fixed. In my experience, every time I have dated someone who was being "rescued" it always came back to bite me in the ass. They are never done healing, and as such, are draining to a relationship. How do you enjoy a relationship when all the energy is spent talking about problems that existed before you both met... just no good if you ask me.
Guest Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 "In my experience, every time I have dated someone who was being "rescued" it always came back to bite me in the ass." i would be proud to rescue my woman. i would die for her. that is in no way a burden for me, and doesn't mean must do the same - just be herself. "They are never done healing, and as such, are draining to a relationship." sort of like we are never done changing. try seeing it in a positive way. we are all going to hurt and heal as we age. and i would hope my wife takes care of me in old age just as i would her. i don't get drained doing that - it empowers me. "How do you enjoy a relationship when all the energy is spent talking about problems that existed before you both met... just no good if you ask me." well, if that is 24 - 7 then pro help is needed. but here is a secret about something i really love. i once dated someone that was terrified of singing but loved music and always wanted to record and we did that together. i still remember the look in her eyes. we took a fear [problem] and erased it and she became a great song writer. i think it is impossible to not bring some baggage with u from past relationships. i know that the last long term woman i was with for the first year we focussed on her ex and i listened and helped and never complained that we spent more time discussing him than us.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I agree with the members that say to be careful with this guy. The test about dropping a story of your own is a great idea. This way you will find out if you are his therapist or just someone who he cares about and trusts enough to share his past so quickly. You do not want a partner who drains you constantly.
Recommended Posts