Co-worker a threat?

December 7, 2006

So I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now, and exclusively for about 2 months. She says she's head over heals for me, loves me, and envisions a future with me. She works as a supervisor and has someone she's in charge of (this person is a guy who is around the same age as her). When she started working at this job, she would mention his name briefly about stupid things, and I took it as small talk, ya know when someone talks about there day. However, the past 4 times we've been out on a date she's brought up his name. For instance, she would say "I think he might be gay because he listens to brittany spears, or he's a republican and I hate republicans, or we are trying to see who can leave the company first by submitting resumes for new positions (she doesn't like her job)". So also mentioned that it would suck if this guy left because he's a hard worker and he's the only person she can relate to on the job. So am I over analyzing this situation or should I be concerned that she may have something for this guy because she keeps on bringing up his name? I'm at the point where I want to say something to her, but I don't want to give her the impression I'm the jealous type or insecure. Thoughts???

Someone please help..

Thanks,

Forbin.

December 7, 2006

She probably doesn't even realize shes doing it. If you feel something isn't right, then chances are you may be right. However, she may just take a general interest since he is the only one she is supervisor over correct? He is the only one she is over? Does he interact with others from her work or just this one guy?

December 7, 2006

She probably doesn't even realize shes doing it. If you feel something isn't right, then chances are you may be right. However, she may just take a general interest since he is the only one she is supervisor over correct? He is the only one she is over? Does he interact with others from her work or just this one guy?

Thanks for the reply. I agree--so if she doesn't realize she's doing it, is that a bad thing? I mean I'm putting myself in her shoes--if I talked about my co-worker as much as she did, I'm sure she would call me out on it. It's just like this--she tells me how her day is and she comes out with a reference to him all the time. It's just getting annoying.

Yes, he is the only one that she supervises. In regards to him interacting with other people besides her, I have no idea. Why do you ask? Any recommendations on what I should do here without sounding like an a-hole?

Forbin

December 7, 2006

Thanks for the reply. I agree--so if she doesn't realize she's doing it, is that a bad thing? I mean I'm putting myself in her shoes--if I talked about my co-worker as much as she did, I'm sure she would call me out on it. It's just like this--she tells me how her day is and she comes out with a reference to him all the time. It's just getting annoying.

Yes, he is the only one that she supervises. In regards to him interacting with other people besides her, I have no idea. Why do you ask? Any recommendations on what I should do here without sounding like an a-hole?

Forbin

I was meaning does SHE interact with other co-workers besides him?

If you feel that she would call you out on it if it were you that were talking of a co-worker, then you need to call her out on it. Don't come off as accussing or anything, but just be kind of causal about it when asking. Or maybe make a general statement about it. Possibly pass it off a joke, and see what she has to say about it. Watch her reaction though, if she gets pissed, its highly likely theres a reason for that. However, if you come off as accussing that could be a sign she doesn't appreciate either. Just be cool about it till you figure out whats going on.

December 7, 2006

I was meaning does SHE interact with other co-workers besides him?

If you feel that she would call you out on it if it were you that were talking of a co-worker, then you need to call her out on it. Don't come off as accussing or anything, but just be kind of causal about it when asking. Or maybe make a general statement about it. Possibly pass it off a joke, and see what she has to say about it. Watch her reaction though, if she gets pissed, its highly likely theres a reason for that. However, if you come off as accussing that could be a sign she doesn't appreciate either. Just be cool about it till you figure out whats going on.

She does interact with other co-workers, but she's very to herself So I'm sure she interacts with him more than anyone. She has direct contact with this guy because they kind of share the same office space and for the fact she supervises him. I think it's best to bring it up as a joke if she brings it up the next time we hang out. I agree--if she get's defensive then I'll take it as a red flag and maybe step back a little.

Anyone else?

Forbin

December 7, 2006

I'm sure she interacts with him more than anyone. She has direct contact with this guy because they kind of share the same office space and for the fact she supervises him.

If that's the case, it would be pretty damned hard for her to tell you how her day was without mentioning him.

December 7, 2006

If that's the case, it would be pretty damned hard for her to tell you how her day was without mentioning him.

A very valid point, but would that still be the case if I didn't even ask her how her day was? She just came out and mentioned that "Matt and I are having a race to see who can get a job elsewhere first...etc etc". ?????

Forbin.

December 7, 2006

I'm going to be blunt about this, I think she has an interest in the guy. Maybe not so far of an interest as to cheat, but he obviosouly catches her eye on some things or she wouldn't bring him up. If she brings him up, then he is on her mind. Talk to her about it.

December 7, 2006

I'm going to be blunt about this, I think she has an interest in the guy. Maybe not so far of an interest as to cheat, but he obviosouly catches her eye on some things or she wouldn't bring him up. If she brings him up, then he is on her mind. Talk to her about it.

Well, that's exactly what I am thinking. If I talk to her about it, what's that going to solve? I mean this is a girl who's proclaimed her love to me (say's she wants to be my wife, have my kids etc). I mean the chances of her getting pissed are quite high. I'm so confused.

Forbin

December 7, 2006

I mean the chances of her getting pissed are quite high. I'm so confused.

If I talk to her about it, what's that going to solve?

Its called, communication. If you are afrid she is going to be pissed off, and you already know she might be, then you might want to rethink the relationship altogether. No one should feel they have to walk on egg shells or be afraid to communicate to their partner or how they are going to react.

December 7, 2006

I mean the chances of her getting pissed are quite high. I'm so confused.

If I talk to her about it, what's that going to solve?

Its called, communication. If you are afrid she is going to be pissed off, and you already know she might be, then you might want to rethink the relationship altogether. No one should feel they have to walk on egg shells or be afraid to communicate to their partner or how they are going to react.

Yeah, right now I feel like calling her up and telling her about it, but this could just be in my head. I have a bad habit for looking for red flags, but this one just seems kind of obvious. I'm going to cool down. I think my best approach is to wait until the next time we hang out--if she brings him up again, then I will say something. I just don't want to come out and say something right now because it might be under false pretenses. Last thing I need is for her to be turned off by my insecurity or lack of confidence in the relationship.

Forbin

December 9, 2006

Yeah, right now I feel like calling her up and telling her about it, but this could just be in my head. I have a bad habit for looking for red flags, but this one just seems kind of obvious. I'm going to cool down. I think my best approach is to wait until the next time we hang out--if she brings him up again, then I will say something. I just don't want to come out and say something right now because it might be under false pretenses. Last thing I need is for her to be turned off by my insecurity or lack of confidence in the relationship.

Forbin

So I hung out with her again, and she didn't bring up her co-worker w/wo me asking her how her day was, which is a good thing. What do you think? I don't know...I still get the feeling that something isn't right. I asked her if she wanted to hang out last night, and she said "her car was giving her troubles" so she was going to stay in. So A) she's lying to me, or B) she's telling me the truth. I got the feeling that she was using the car as an excuse, even though it has been giving her troubles, but why make something up and not come right out and tell me? I'd rather have her be honest than make up a bull**** excuse. Anyway, so I got the bright idea of bringing her hot chocolate later in the night, kind of a surprise. When I arrived at her place, she was kind of startled...like not in a good way. I would expect her to throw her arms around me because she said shes "deeply in love" with me. So this made me kind of suspicious because it looked like I sent her off her rocker. I'm starting to get the feeling I'm being too lovey dovey and "nice" to her, which might be turning her off. OR she did have plans to go out (I noticed her cousin was heading out to the movies so she might of had plans to go with her and her bf + friends), but why lie to me? Any recommendations on what I should do here? I have a problem with insecurity, which good thing I don't vocalize them or tell her i love her or any of that jazz. Should I back off completely?

forbin

December 9, 2006

How often do you see each other?

December 9, 2006

I have a problem with insecurity,

You sure do.

Yes, being insecure and needy and always in someones face, is a turn off. Don't back off completely. Back off a little bit. It sounds as though she is just chatting to you about her day. Leave it alone.

Keep up your activities in your own life, and don't be so focussed on what she is up to. You don't know she was lying, and tbh although sometimes the spontaneous gesture is lovely, sometimes it IS annoying, especially when you get the distinct feeling that someone is only doing it out of their own insecurity.

December 9, 2006

You need to chill out a lot on this. My girlfriend had her own intern for a while and it was the same kinda thing. You gotta understand that in her job, since she oversees him (only?), they probably spend a large portion of the day in contact. Therefore, a large part of her day consists of interaction with him. It's just talk. My girlfriend would talk about how silly this intern is, even say flattering stuff like he was funny and stuff, but it's about the proximity. They spent most of their 10 hour day together... it's natural. If this is all you're going on, you're WAY off base.

Don't make drama unless there is reason. It seems like you're trying to create it. Women, no matter how much some wish they would, will not go through life with blinders on and will have other things besides their "man" to think and talk about.

December 11, 2006

How often do you see each other?

Sometimes it's 4 times a week, sometimes it's 2 times a week...

December 11, 2006

You sure do.
Yes, being insecure and needy and always in someones face, is a turn off. Don't back off completely. Back off a little bit. It sounds as though she is just chatting to you about her day. Leave it alone.
Keep up your activities in your own life, and don't be so focussed on what she is up to. You don't know she was lying, and tbh although sometimes the spontaneous gesture is lovely, sometimes it IS annoying, especially when you get the distinct feeling that someone is only doing it out of their own insecurity.

Thanks...I actually talked to her about it, and she kind of got mad (expected), but the way I take it is that I should be able to communicate my feelings to her. I was going to say anything about the co-worker situation, but today at lunch she made an insinuation that she would probably go out with drinks with this guy. So I waited until we left, and brought it up in the car. I tried bringing it up as non-chalantly as possible, but she gets frustrated really easily. I told her that initially she wanted me to feel comfortable with her guy friends, so she felt obligated to introduce me to them, which she did. However, I mentioned this is what I expect from this "co-worker" of hers if she plans on getting drinks with him and taking the relationship out of work. Also, a couple of weeks back she was mentioning how uncomfortable she felt with me going out with my girl co-workers, so I reassured her I wasn't doing that nor would I put her in that position becaude I don't want to potentially disrupt the relationship. So with that said, I feel as if I'm putting my weight into the relationship, and that she isn't doing the same. All in all, she finally understood what I was saying to her. She hasn't done anything (as far as I know) that would hurt the relationship, but I had to make this clear to her. If I gave her an inch w/o saying anything, then she might eventually take a whole foot...Was this a bad move?

December 11, 2006

You need to chill out a lot on this. My girlfriend had her own intern for a while and it was the same kinda thing. You gotta understand that in her job, since she oversees him (only?), they probably spend a large portion of the day in contact. Therefore, a large part of her day consists of interaction with him. It's just talk. My girlfriend would talk about how silly this intern is, even say flattering stuff like he was funny and stuff, but it's about the proximity. They spent most of their 10 hour day together... it's natural. If this is all you're going on, you're WAY off base.

Don't make drama unless there is reason. It seems like you're trying to create it. Women, no matter how much some wish they would, will not go through life with blinders on and will have other things besides their "man" to think and talk about.

I agree...but look above at my other reply. She mentioned getting drinks with this guy, which changes the ball game in my head. I had to say something to her. I tried at best not to play it off like I was insecure, but I mentioned to her that I'd rather meet this guy before she would to go out with him for drinks, even if that were to happen. I mean if she went out of her way to do it before with her other guy friends, and she's not doing it with this guy, it signaled a red flag in my mind. Thoughts?

December 11, 2006

Why is she going out for drinks with him? Why can't they discuss business matters at work or at lunch?

Drinks are NOT necessary. Is she saying that she wants a friendship with this guy?

Anyway, tell her you'd like to go along for drinks and meet this guy. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

For the record, I think you handled things very well. Your thoughts are well laid out and logical.

I like to think of it like you are trying to figure out the boundaries for BOTH of you, as in "How do WE handle going out with opposite sex co-workers?"

It's not fair for you to say you won't do it, if she can do it. It should be more of a guideline for BOTH of you to follow.

I remember a poster on this site once said something in response to a lopsided situation where one person was going out and the other wasn't "allowed to." They said to go out, too. When the other person gets upset, say "I am giving you the space to do it and giving myself the freedom to do it as well. I guess these are the rules of our relationship."

Of course, you can simply say you don't want to do that yourself, or have her do it either...but then you have to be prepared to walk away from an unequal relationship where things aren't fair. (not saying that is the case with you.)

It's just that you might only want to be with someone who helps make the rules and follows them herself because you are important to her.

December 11, 2006

Why is she going out for drinks with him? Why can't they discuss business matters at work or at lunch?

Drinks are NOT necessary. Is she saying that she wants a friendship with this guy?

Anyway, tell her you'd like to go along for drinks and meet this guy. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

For the record, I think you handled things very well. Your thoughts are well laid out and logical.

I like to think of it like you are trying to figure out the boundaries for BOTH of you, as in "How do WE handle going out with opposite sex co-workers?"

It's not fair for you to say you won't do it, if she can do it. It should be more of a guideline for BOTH of you to follow.

I remember a poster on this site once said something in response to a lopsided situation where one person was going out and the other wasn't "allowed to." They said to go out, too. When the other person gets upset, say "I am giving you the space to do it and giving myself the freedom to do it as well. I guess these are the rules of our relationship."

Of course, you can simply say you don't want to do that yourself, or have her do it either...but then you have to be prepared to walk away from an unequal relationship where things aren't fair. (not saying that is the case with you.)

It's just that you might only want to be with someone who helps make the rules and follows them herself because you are important to her.

Good question--I have no idea why she insinuated she might go out with drinks with him. She said "I've been meaning to try out this bar and I have no one to go with (she works an hour north)". I mean she doesn't really have many friends, so I'm sure the social scene is not at the peak for her, but still...why did she make reference to this guy? And of course she then said, "I think he's gay blah blah", like I'm supposed to not care at that point, but it's the principle I'm concerned about.

Exactly, I thought the boundaries were quite clear. I mean I'm willing to sacrifice anything that will make her feel uncomfortable, and she replied with "don't go against your will if you want to go out with these people", like what am I supposed to say to that seeing she cared just a few weeks ago on what I do? She's almost telling me that I don't care anymore who you go out with because I want to have the freedom to go out with whom I choose. This is what's giving me a red flag, which I'm starting to think backing off is the best way to go right now.

December 11, 2006

If I am in a relationship with someone, I fully expect that they will have female friends, some that I may not get introduced to, and that they will more than likely go out for drinks and socialise with them in other normal ways. I also expect to be able to do the same with male friends. But thats just me.

December 11, 2006

If I am in a relationship with someone, I fully expect that they will have female friends, some that I may not get introduced to, and that they will more than likely go out for drinks and socialise with them in other normal ways. I also expect to be able to do the same with male friends. But thats just me.

Sure--agreed. However, going back to "equal" and "fair" boundaries, she laid out the foundation to introduce me to her guy friends so I felt comfortable with them. Thus, I assume this will continue to happen moving forward, if it doesn't, then it's obvious I will get suspicious as to why I'm not getting introduced to new friends. I told her this is how I want to handle going out with my friends whom are girls (this was a couple of weeks ago), but she said she didn't care to meet them, which of course made me curious as to "hmmmmm...is she changing her mind about me meeting her guy friends to avoid having any issues with it". I told her I don't go out with other females from work, which is the truth. I'm just starting to feel as if I'm more invested in the relationship then she is. I should back off...

Forbin

December 11, 2006

She may have said no because she realised that if she had any jealousy she needed to deal with that herself, without having to check up on all your female friends. Why did she first say that she would introduce you to her male friends? Did she just bring it up herself or did you query her about them first?

December 11, 2006

She may have said no because she realised that if she had any jealousy she needed to deal with that herself, without having to check up on all your female friends. Why did she first say that she would introduce you to her male friends? Did she just bring it up herself or did you query her about them first?

Yeah, that's a possibility. On the flip side, maybe she does have enough trust to allow me to go out with my gf's w/o her meeting them, however, I thought it would only be fair to do the same both ways as I expect that she would continue to do the same with her guy friends. She actually didn't come out and say she would introduce me to her guy friends--we just happened to be hanging out as a group one night and that's when I met one of them. Then she sent me an email not too long ago about how she's very jealous of me and my girlfriends at work etc, and that she did her part in introducing me to her friends (that are guys) so I would feel comfortable. So, this is the basis of where I'm getting my info. She brought it up herself...I didn't query about them at all...

Forbin

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