Need some strength

[Cliche]

Hi, this is my first post. Like my name, I am the cliche.

 

I am younger woman who feel madly in love with an older man. He is perfect...brilliant, funny, attentive, yadda yadda. He has spent countless hours telling me I'm the love of his life, and he is so lucky to have me in his life, and all the future talk...marriage, babies. He told me he was separated. I believed him. For awhile anyway. Then I started seeing things, but sadly spent too much time pushing them in the back of my mind because I didn't want to see them. He stopped staying overnight. He started turning his phone off evenings and weekends. You guys know the drill. Early tThis morning when I knew he'd still be asleep I decided to take a drive by his "estranged W's house." Well, his car was there.

 

So here I am--angry, heartbroken, ashamed. I cannot believe I fell for this. I am smart, educated, attractive, funny--I have so much going for me. Yet, for the second time in my adult life, I've fallen in love with a man who is so selfish, he is willing to lie to me in the worst way to satisfy his own needs. I am so angry. I know I deserve better. I know that a relationship full of lies is not the relationship for me. I know that I totally deserve a man who really loves me AND is available for me.

 

Here's the sucky part - I am not 100% convinced I can just walk away from this. I need to. I know I do. But I'm feeling that foolish woman I'm so in love thing. Oh good lord, how did I get myself into this and what on earth am I to do now?

 

Thank you for listening. Any words of advice or empowerment would be greatly appreciated.

[noforgiveness]

from your description it sounds like he was separated and then chose to go back.

You can't blame yourself for that choice. If he was separated then you did no wrong.

 

I'm sorry he's back home.

 

You know if he chose to go back AFTER he was already separated and seeing you then you have to break it off for your own sanity.

 

Let him work on his marriage. Have fun go out with friends and if his marriage doesn't work then maybe you have a chance.

 

You can't be where you are now. How can you trust him if he's now lying about where he goes to sleep at night?

Do they have kids?

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is try your best to get over him. You can't let yourself even BE a friend to him in any way. It will only hurt you.

[Guest]

I don't know if he was ever separated or not. I have no idea how much of what he told me now are lies.

 

And no, they have no children. So he doesn't even that excuse to use. Ugh. When I think of all he has told me...and they were all lies. Why in the hell do men do this?

 

You know what the most f'd up thing is? If he had been honest with me from the beginning, I actually may have agreed to a sexual only relationship. But he lied. And then told me he loved me, needed me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

And here I sit, with my cell phone next to me, trying to decide if I want to call him or not. Unbelievable. Stupid girl.

[Cliche]

I don't know if he was ever separated or not. I have no idea how much of what he told me now are lies.

 

And no, they have no children. So he doesn't even that excuse to use. Ugh. When I think of all he has told me...and they were all lies. Why in the hell do men do this?

 

You know what the most f'd up thing is? If he had been honest with me from the beginning, I actually may have agreed to a sexual only relationship. But he lied. And then told me he loved me, needed me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

And here I sit, with my cell phone next to me, trying to decide if I want to call him or not. Unbelievable. Stupid girl.

[whichwayisup]

Don't call him. By doing that, you're giving him power over you, and for him to try to suck you back in.

[Freedom Now]

My xMM pulled the same stunt with me. It took me longer than I prefered to walk away from him, but I did. In spite of that, he tried to get me back over and over and over again. That was tough. Loving him but knowing that he had lied to me....what a mess.

 

It sucks when they get you emotionally involved based on lies. That is what I dislike about my MM now. He lied to get me. And that's not fair.

 

Somehow, you will find the strength to walk away. I remember when I felt just like you. It seems like neons ago but it wasn't so long ago at all.

 

Tell yourself that you want a man of character. And remind yourself that actions speak louder than words. His actions have been very unloving. You don't lie to someone you care about. True love puts others before oneself. This man didn't.

 

Fight for your respect. Maintain your dignity. You deserve better. Stick to the path.

 

Take your power back and end it. And, never look back. It will save you months of pain down the line if you end it now. Trust me.

 

Be strong. You are gonna need all the strength you have to walk away but you can do it.

 

Peace.

[puddleofmud]

My xMM pulled the same stunt with me. It took me longer than I prefered to walk away from him, but I did. In spite of that, he tried to get me back over and over and over again. That was tough. Loving him but knowing that he had lied to me....what a mess.

 

It sucks when they get you emotionally involved based on lies. That is what I dislike about my MM now. He lied to get me. And that's not fair.

 

Somehow, you will find the strength to walk away. I remember when I felt just like you. It seems like neons ago but it wasn't so long ago at all.

 

Tell yourself that you want a man of character. And remind yourself that actions speak louder than words. His actions have been very unloving. You don't lie to someone you care about. True love puts others before oneself. This man didn't.

 

Fight for your respect. Maintain your dignity. You deserve better. Stick to the path.

 

Take your power back and end it. And, never look back. It will save you months of pain down the line if you end it now. Trust me.

 

Be strong. You are gonna need all the strength you have to walk away but you can do it.

 

Peace.

 

This is great advice!

 

I will add that you are NOT stupid in the least because you were smart enough to figure this out!

Thus, you are smart enough to protect your heart and move forward.

You are young and single! Which means available!

You are young, smart, loving, and self aware. You have everything need to have a wonderful life!!!

Why be stuck w/ some old lying fogey that makes you feel bad?

Best wishes and have fun!

[Cliche]

It is great advice. It is all great advice. I thank you all.

 

But I don't feel strong. I feel weak. And I feel awful. I feel awful that I fell for this. There were signs, you know. Maybe not at first, but along the way and I ignored them because I didn't want to lose him. And I feel awful for his wife. I'm sure she's a very nice person, and here I was intimately involved with her husband. I can't stand hurting other people. And I feel awful that I've gotten myself so intertwined with this guy. Oh, and I didn't mention that he works with my boss and is at my office all the time, so I'm sure I'll have to see him. I can't even try to go cold turkey.

 

He called and he wants to meet for dinner to discuss this. I know I should say no, but I'm not sure I can. I don't know that I can say no to him.

 

Ugh, I'm so so angry. He knew that there were reasons I needed to trust him. I told him that so many times, that I didn't care about anything except for him to be honest to me. Those were my exact words, I think, I can handle anything if you're just honest. How could he claim that he loved me, that I was the love of his life, that I mattered to him more than anything and then he lies to me like this?

 

I'm babbling. I'm sorry. But I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to tell too many of my friends because, frankly, I'm terribly ashamed. And then there's that tiny part of me that wonders if maybe this is workable (I know, I know, I know) and I don't want them to hate him. Yet.

[Freedom Now]

Unfortunately, only when YOU can't take it any longer will you end it. And not ONE MINUTE before that.

 

We can empower you all day, but until you can't handle the pain anymore, it will continue. And, I am not judging....I have been there.

 

We shall support you in your decision, but we want you to take the path of the least amount of pain.

 

There will be pain if you leave and pain if you stay. But, if you leave, there is hope for a better future....

 

If you stay, there is simply more pain in store for you.

 

I wish I could tell you that everything will end up okay with you and him, but I have seen too much on these boards. And I have lived it.

 

No one wins in these situations. Protect your precious heart. And the sooner you do that, the better.

 

Peace.

[puddleofmud]

"He called and he wants to meet for dinner to discuss this. I know I should say no, but I'm not sure I can. I don't know that I can say no to him."

 

WE understand everything you are telling us because we are either going through this or have been through it so don't be ashamed.

HE LIED, you did not. You may see him in the flesh before your very eyes and nothing will change that.

There is an old saying "one does not share food w/ one who is false".

Can you eat with someone like that? Can you relax?

If you had a choice between someone who loved you and always told you the truth and one who hurt and lied to you, which one would you choose to have dinner?

As to saying NO: the word only has two little letters. N and O.

If you can't say NO then just say "not tonight", "maybe later". "sorry, I am not feeling well" or whatever you must to delay until you are stronger.

It's just one night and you can get through it. Then its just one day at a time after that.

Stay strong!

[whichwayisup]

And I feel awful for his wife. I'm sure she's a very nice person, and here I was intimately involved with her husband. I can't stand hurting other people.

 

So between this and knowing that he isn't someone now you want to be with (your head knows this, so let your heart catch up and DO NOT CALL HIM) are your reasons not to be involved with him in any way unless it has to do with work.

 

How could he claim that he loved me, that I was the love of his life, that I mattered to him more than anything and then he lies to me like this?

Because he's selfish and it's all about him. It's got it all, a wife who fills in some needs, and he had you filling in other needs...Two women! Why would he want just one?

 

And then there's that tiny part of me that wonders if maybe this is workable (I know, I know, I know)

 

He isn't worthy of your time, your energy or your thoughts. He lied to you, on purpose so he could get what he wanted.

[Cliche]

So between this and knowing that he isn't someone now you want to be with (your head knows this, so let your heart catch up

Thank you, Whichwayisup. My head does know that. I appreciate you pointing it out. I made myself a list of all the things he has done that are behaviors of a married man who is preserving his marriage. It hit 25 before I stopped. I guess if that doesn't prove to me that I'm not his one and he's not mine, nothing will.

 

But, well, it does. But damn it hurts. Really, really bad. I was in an awful marriage and I've been divorced for some time. This was the first relationship I've had since then. I really thought he was different. I thought I finally got someone I deserved. But he is just as selfish and manipulative as the ex was. You know, I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that this guy just broke my heart or the fact that I'm once again reminded that there is no nice guy here in my life. I am just the booty call...the girl for some guy to use when he's down during his midlife crisis.

 

I want to feel better.

[GreenEyedLady]

And you will (feel better), but it will take time...I'm not really one to give advice because of the situation that I find myself in, but if you want to move on, you will...and you don't have to have a man in your life: you're attractive and smart and witty...and another R WILL happen, it just might take awhile...and this is from one divorcee to another...