insomnie Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Via a little bit of snooping, I found out that exbf has been making plans for months to take a road trip to Oklohoma with that girl. They are going in a group for a couple of days, but the group is small and all of them are sharing a hotel room and she OBVIOUSLY likes him. As usual, he told me NOTHING about any of this. I have never taken any kind of trip with him. He was supposed to visit my family but this road trip coincided with the dates...and the forum I found him on makes it clear that he had ever intention of going on this trip and not on the one to see my family. He made these plans months ago, while we were still togehter. Absolutely no mention to me...in fact just a couple of hours ago he was arguing about how insane I was for not trusting him, particularly around this girl, since they have NO relaitonship whatsoever. I am SO MAD at myself for putting up with this ****. I have been understanding, kind, I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone, as much as I love my family...and this is what I get. Even while he was brekaing up with me for the third time I was telling HIM not to be sad, that it was for the best and that I wanted him to be happy. That he was a good boyfriend, that it just didn't work out. I am such a fool. I feel so used.
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I want to offer a hug to you. Please just promise that you learn something from this. As long as you take something away from it, it can't be a total failure, right? We men can be pretty repulsive sometimes... well, I guess people in general can be. Take whatever pride you can salvage and walk away from this whole thing.
Walk Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I'm sorry Insomnie. What an a-hole! Get him out of your life asap!!! This is NOT your fault, this is him. He's a heartless piece of shyt that needs to be kicked to the curb with the rest of the garbage. Don't buy his lies anymore. You give so much, and get so little in return. You can't even get a shred of honesty from him. Please make this the final straw with him. He's not worthy of you. He's shown it over and over. Lying to you, covering up what he does with that girl, then shifting all blame on to you. It's not right Insomnie. He doesn't care about you. He's shown that over and over. Call him right now, and tell him it's over. Don't tell him why. Just call him, tell him you're done and going no contact, tell him thanks for nothing.. and hang up. Then get on here and pour your heart out, or call a friend to come over and talk with you.
Author insomnie Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I was relaly looking forward to telling him off htis morning but he never showed up to class. Now after a long day I am still increidly pissed, but it's slowly morphing into shock. HOW COULD HE LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND LIE SO EASILY? 90% of me does feel like this is the last straw, but there's still a piece of me that misses him and can almost rationalize away all his crappy actions. Some excuses that come to mind are: there's nothing going on and he knew I'd freak out and that's why he didn't tell me, he doens't love me anymore because of how difficult I am and I can't expect someone who doesn't love me not to treat me like this (aka I deserve this). But I'm not stupid. I know this is completely unacceptable and really out of the range of how sane people are capable of behaving. Serioulsy, I secret trip from Texas to Oklahoma with a secret female friend over Christmas? He's a freaking sociopath.
Author insomnie Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 But, should I tell him off? I have three options: scream at him, go completely NC, avoiding calls and all, or quietly withdraw. Screaming would be the most rewarding in the short run for me, but probably would accomplish absolutley nothing. Most people don't take criticism especially well, and this is particularly true when they already know they've done something wrong. So it's not like I'd be helping him see anything...I'd just be leaving a "psych xgf" impression on his mind. Not really how I want to be remembered. Going NC.... well, that makes the most sense I suppose, but I feel like I almsot need him to know WHY. Not that he hasn't given me plenty of reasons as it is. Not that it matters. Withdrawing....this is the route that's most unhealthy. I know it. I'd just be supressing my emotions for that sick "chance" I want to impress upon him how I *can* be lovable, someone he woudln't feel the need to mistreat. I realize how completley mentally sick I sound, and yet...if I am to follow my heart, this is where it would lead.
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 But, should I tell him off? I have three options: scream at him, go completely NC, avoiding calls and all, or quietly withdraw. Well, what is he worth? I know it's difficult for you to be in this situation. And I know that what it looks like from out here is much different than how it looks to you. It just eats me up to see someone in your situation try to find reasons why it is your fault or try to find justification in his actions. He is an ass... there is NO OTHER EXPLANATION. He showed NO respect for you or your feelings. What more do you need? When you were young did you ever tell yourself "when I grow up I want to meet a guy who doesn't respect me or my feelings and will treat me well as long as there is nothing else going on in his life"? Walk away. Do it in whatever way you need to do, but don't think for a minute (or care for that matter) that the way you choose to do it will have any effect on him. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care if you yell at him, he doesn't care if you cry, he probably doesn't care if you ever say another word to him. So whats the point of you caring? Do what you need to do, but dont do what you think will affect him the most... he doesn't care.
bluetuesday Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 no contact, no contact, no contact. don't argue, this is the only way to heal. you can shout at him and scream and be hurt if you like, but it won't help you move on and it won't make the guy care about you any more than he already does - which is not at all i'm afraid. you have a tendency to keep wanting to take the most outrageous amount of crap from this man, and he has a tendency to want to give it to you. the solution is to stop letting him. immediately. it doesn't matter how hard you find it to cut him out of your life, it will be worth it. he is not worth one more second of your life, your energy or your focus. you are strong enough to do this. no contact will help your strength. this guy enjoys using you and so far you have let him do just that. is that the life you want? there is a very important lesson you need to learn here, as krytellen said. i don't know what the lesson is, but you do. intuitively, you know. it may be that you're worth more than being treated this way. it may be that chemistry is no judge of who makes a good partner. it may be that past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, it may be that people treat us badly because we let them. but whatever it is, and listen to me very carefully because what i am about to tell you is the absolute truth, unless you learn that lesson, you will keep repeating the pattern of behaviour that caused you to allow this man to treat you so badly. you will keep repeating it for the next 40 years if that's what it takes to learn the lesson. i am sure you don't want that and we certainly don't want it for you. however, (and this is the good bit) once you learn the lesson you won't ever have to go through this again, with him or with anyone. now doesn't that sound good?? don't beat yourself up and get angry with yourself. just learn how not to put yourself in this position again. that way, what you've been through won't be a mistake, it will be a huge stepping stone to your growth into a person who has great, loving relationships and is always treated excellently because that's what she knows she deserves.
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