Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 This is kind of long, but I need help so here goes. I have a hard time meeting a man who has the qualities that I want. Basically, I want a good man who is passionate, someone I feel is my other half, romantic, loving, would never cheat on me, is a hard worker, a good provider and who is seriously into the same religion as me because my religion is a big part of my life and it is hard to find people of the same thoughts as me. I finally found this man who is a really good person. I can just tell he is good. He is a very hard worker, I can tell he would be an excellent provider for a family, he is upfront about how he would never cheat and he is very very very much into his religion which is the same religion as mine. He is a very stable person. So the problem is this. He is kind of dorky. Well, ok, he is really dorky. He is such a good person but he has no clue how to handle women. He is about 15 years older than me and his longest relationship was like 6 months! I do not think he has dated many women. He has admitted to being shy with women. We talked for a long time and then went on two dates and after the second date he sent me an email saying that he really liked me, that it was hard to meet a woman who had all of the qualities he was looking for and wanted to know if I would like to get married in the next year and start a family because he wants to get married soon. He said he was not getting weard and proposing, but wanted to see where I saw my life going in the next year. This frightened me. I am a huge romantic and could never even sleep with a man unless I loved him madly without it ripping me apart inside. So to hear this made me feel as though he would take any woman that fit his checklist and that I could never know for sure if he liked me for who I am or just because I fit his "checklist". So I told him this and he insisted that I did not understand, that he was not strict about his deadline, that it was very loose and that of course he would want to be madly in love with whoever he married. He admitted that he did have some desperation about getting married because of his age, but that he was very aware that he needed to be careful with that or it could lead to divorce and he would rather never marry than end in divorce. Then he said that he was concerned about my emphasis on romance, because he came from a family where his father hardly ever did anything romantic for his mother yet they had a solid, lasting, loving marriage and he does not think romance is the most important thing. He said that 99.999% of the time, the men that know how to treat women romantically are womanizers and that their marriages will end in divorce. For me, when I love a man, I LOVE to do creative things for him. I can think of the most amazing things to do for a man to keep the passion and the spark alive. He told me that in a marriage, most of the spontanaity has to go away and that couples do not even have time to go to the movies more than twice a year with trips to doctors, taking kids to soccer practice, etc. This really was a bummer to hear this from this man because I love doing and receiving romantic things and to me it seems that these things need to be done to keep a marriage from becoming stale and miserable. His idea of marriage sounded like a prison sentance to me. Yet, I can tell he is such a good man and the type of man that rarely, if ever, comes along. So I do not know if I should get to know him more or if I should let him go. I keep hearing from my family stories about how people have let good men go and then regretted it. I do not want to regret something but I just feel kind of wearded out from the things he has said to me. That, and because he is rather older than me he does not physically appeal to me at all but then again, I only went on two dates with him. Does anyone have any suggestions about this man? Does he sound like someone who I should give another chance, ignoring the weard rushed attitude after two dates even though it kind of weards me out? I think maybe it is because he has not had much experience with women and has admitted he is a geek. I don't know what to think of him or this situation. Help!
norajane Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I have a hard time meeting a man who has the qualities that I want. ...he sent me an email saying that he really liked me, that it was hard to meet a woman who had all of the qualities he was looking for... Sounds like you two are on the same wavelength. The problem was that he took it further and asked (in an awkward way) whether you want to get married in the near future. It's not uncommon for people to discuss on the first few dates what it is they want to get out of dating. Some people date just for fun, some are looking for a long term relationship, and some are looking to find a life partner. All he was doing with his email was trying to ascertain whether you were hoping to find a life partner or not. You said he's dorky and inexperienced with women - that's why his question came off so awkwardly. Another guy wouldn't have brought it up at all. YOU would have had to ask the question about what HE was looking for out of dating. Another guy might have hedged on the answer, kept you guessing until you were hooked and it was too late for you to walk away because you had fallen for him. He's telling you straight up that he's dating because he wants to find a committed partner. You can hold the dorkiness against him, or you can cut him some slack because he actually wants what you want - a life partner. I am a huge romantic Then he said that he was concerned about my emphasis on romance, because...he does not think romance is the most important thing This is more problematic, since you are not compatible in this area. His view is pretty narrow - all romantic guys aren't players! However, many are. Substance without romance is as bad as romance without substance. Romance can be taught. Substance cannot be taught. This really was a bummer to hear this from this man because I love doing and receiving romantic things and to me it seems that these things need to be done to keep a marriage from becoming stale and miserable. His idea of marriage sounded like a prison sentance to me. You're both right. He is correct that marriage is not all romance and fairydust. You are correct that marriage without romance and passion is dull. It's possible for you to complement each other - he can ground you in reality by being the solid, stable partner you seek, and you can bring a little romance into his life, romance with which he has never had experience. They do say opposites attract! because he is rather older than me he does not physically appeal to me at all but then again, I only went on two dates with him. Neither of you have had a chance to grow close or fall in love. But if he does not appeal to you AT ALL, do you believe passion might grow? There has to be a bit of a spark at some point. I don't see the harm in dating him a bit longer.
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