Embarrassed And Sad Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Salutations, I write this with a heavy heart and with a considerable amount of worry and fear. I hope that you will all be able to help me through this very very difficult time in my life. The follow words detail the break-down of my long-term relationship with my partner, whose nickname I will refer to as "Zulu" This is in some ways a fantastical, but nonetheless startling, true depiction of the embarrassing events that led to our parting of ways. I ask that you maintain an open mind on this highly sensitive matter. Around four months ago, on a cold night in London, England, I was travelling home from visiting a friend who lived on the other side of town. I had almost completed my journey, and was waiting for the final night-bus (of the two I had to take) when suddenly I felt this strange twitching sensation in the lower section of my left leg. I dismissed it as a muscle contraction, but found that every 3-6 seconds this twitch would return, and would temporarily throw me off balance. My girlfriend was with me at the time, and although she was clearly disturbed by this, she did not say a word... The twitching continued for approximately 20 minutes (by which time we were on the bus, travelling home) and then it suddenly stopped. Although I had been concerned by what had just happened, I put it down to a trapped nerve, or a muscular glitch. Since it had now stopped, I didn't really give it much further thought, and Zulu did not refer to it any further. An hour or so after arriving home, I was undressing in order to take a bath (before we went to bed) when I noticed that the area on my lower left leg that had been twitching appeared to be slightly illuminated. The effect was extremely subtle, and required looking at the area at a certain angle in order to see it. The illumination was predominantly blue, with a tint of silver, and created a vague shimmering effect over the surface of the skin. However, this effect was not observable on any other part of my body (including my other leg) which led me to believe that there was indeed something wrong with my leg after all. This suspicion was confirmed in a truly shocking manner, when I stepped into the bath, to find that the water appeared to be displaced around the area of the illumination. I let out a slight scream, and Zulu shouted to me, to ask if I was alright. I did not reply... The movement of the water is difficult to explain, since water is displaced around any object placed into it. The effect was as if an air pocket had been created around my lower leg, approximately 10-12 inches in all directions, and was keeping the water from entering. Whereas the rest of my body felt wet, this area was bone dry, and I became absolutely terrified of the bizarre sight I was witnessing. A few seconds later, the ambient illumination strengthened into strong pulses of radiating light, switching from blue to silver to brilliant white, and then repeating, accompanied by synchronised twitches, in approximately 3-6 second intervals. My eyes were spinning wildly with fear. Suddenly, my vision began to blur, and I found myself "inside a sound". Again this is difficult to describe, but it was as if my senses had been mixed up, and I was now perceiving sound through my eyes, instead of my ears. The sound was a deep vibrating humming mixture of shades and hues, varying in a cyclical fashion between what "sounded" like an octave above, and an octave below the original pitch. All the while, Zulu was in bed, getting the sheets warmed up for our nightly romp. A minute or so later, I was snapped back to reality and found myself shockingly suspended approximately one foot above the water in the bath. By now I was absolutely shaking with fear, but I began to calm my nerves when I heard a soft and melodious voice whispering into my eyes (not ears) that I had been chosen to receive the "Cheems Of Ood". Please do not laugh.... The voice spoke to me in clear English, with an indefinable accent, and informed me that far in the distant lands of a far-away planet, there exists an order of telepathic beings called the "Ood", who are the chosen carriers (they did not say by whom) of a secret knowledge which has existed since the dawn of time. Every four "rithgilts" (I am spelling the words closest to my best guess of how they would be written) a strong telepathic force (The Cheems) is projected from their homeworld into the universe, and all who are attuned to the Ood can receive the blessing of the Cheems. I hoped that Zulu would be overjoyed to be the girlfriend of a "chosen one", and initially she seemed happy to be so. The Cheems of Ood have manifested in a variety of ways since then, the primary method being an unexpected minor levitation of the entire body, to approximately a foot or so above the ground, for a period of a few seconds, accompanied by a noise that I do not want to describe, for fear of being ridiculed. It sounds something like a high-pitched squeaky fart. I'm sorry about this but there is really no other way of describing it. Zulu started laughing violently the first few times that I exploded uncontrollably. Luckily, none of the other effects of flatulence are present when the Cheems come calling, and I hope you can treat what I have just said with due sensitivity. I am still excruciatingly embarrased by this aspect of it, especially when it happens in public places. (which has happened twice thus far). Fortunately for me, the astonished bypassers were so alarmed and distracted by my "violent outburst" that they completely failed to notice that I was hovering above Terra Firma whilst letting rip, and as such I was able to make a hasty retreat to the relative safety of my home, without raising the alarm. The Cheems of Ood have manifested in many different ways over the past four months, some of these manifestations being simple, and others being more embarassing than the primary method of outlet. Zulu came to accept these manifestations at first (well so she claimed!) but I soon found out that she had been in contact with the editor of a national newspaper. I would prefer not to mention the more sensitive manifestations, but suffice to say the conniving little ***** moved out of the house, and totally spilt the beans (no pun intended) to the editor about my ability to involuntarily manipulate the local air currents. I am literally scared to go out of my house now, and I have been using internet grocery ordering services to save myself from public backside-bursts. Your help is urgently needed in devising a way to solve my bottom-rocketing, and also to help me get back my beloved Zulu. Despite her treachery, I miss her dearly... Thank you for your support.
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