dreamer44 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I'm in an LDR with this girl that I've known for several years, but been only dating for 6 months. She's really insecure and emotional, and she goes through these periods where she feels that I don't love her enough. She begins to shut herself off from me, like not answering my texts and not wanting to talk over msn/phone, before which we used to do every single night. I think the way she handles problems is by not thinking about them, and by ignoring me, she accomplishes that. I'm not really a emotion-showing guy, and so I can understand where she's coming from. I haven't been in many relationships and I know there are a lot of things I can improve on, like my communication. I think I learn something new every time she goes through these phases, but it's really hard when she's so far away. There's been so much miscommunication between us, a lot of times she just takes my words the wrong way. Right now, I see signs that indicate a break-up, like cutting phone conversations short and not coming online. She told me the other day she feels like we're just friends. I love her so much, but I wish she could understand me better. I want to go back to those times when were inseparable. She always says to me...to never let her go. I'm not letting go, but what can I do when she gets this way? Can you guys give me some advice?
westernxer Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 It's long distance, and you've yet to see her werewolf phase. Get out now.
Art_Critic Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 her werewolf phase. ...women have those ???
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 The Gruesome twosome are at it again...........Geez... Send her flowers! Send her little romantic notes and make plans to get together with her as soon as you can. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, so right now you may have to keep putting in alot of effort until she feels abit more secure. (though, this easily could just be PMS)
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 so u tell and show her u love her, and her response is to cut all contact and doubt u - ok, that's not good. i think she might be telling u, in a way she can't, that's what u think is 'on' is actually 'off'. sounds like u two either talk about that or both find someone that makes u feel at ease. good luck.
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Okay, a little insight from a woman here. The pulling away is all part and parcel of the insecurity/self confidence issue. Most likely, she pulls away in order to get attention. It is also a way of testing. She's testing to see if you'll chase her during these times in order to reaffirm to her that you love her. Women do this sometimes- they test your love. She may not feel like she is getting what she wants from you emotionally, so that is why she pulls away....so you'll chase her. It's silly... and may be indicative of a neediness problem on her end. Yeah, sending flowers is an awesome gesture. But don't buy into her "phases" everytime. Just ask her outright what she is feeling and what she needs. get her into the habit of just saying what she wants instead of pulling a vanishing act. Communication is key here. The two of you need to lay your needs and expectations on the table and keep revisiting those needs as often as needed. Once she knows she can communicate instead of playing a game to get what she wants, she'll undoubtedly become more secure in the relationship. I've done this before- even "test" broken up with someone to see how they would react. It's stupid (and I was younger when I played those kinds of games)... but learning to talk will enrich your relationship. You're not a mind reader and neither is she... so start communicating! D
Lostgurl Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 The Gruesome twosome are at it again...........Geez... Send her flowers! Send her little romantic notes and make plans to get together with her as soon as you can. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, so right now you may have to keep putting in alot of effort until she feels abit more secure. (though, this easily could just be PMS) I agree with WWIU. I am in an LDR, and they are HARD. My bf is just as insecure as i am, we've been having problems but i think it's going to be ok! All you need to do is have patience with her when insecurity is an issue, show alot of love and affection and listen to what she has to say..... I have learned that love & affection is needed MUCH more when in an LDR than a relationship with contact. Words are needed more to make up for the loss of touch and physical communication that is lacking in LDR's. Like WWIU said, send her flowers! Send her little affectionate notes when she isn't expecting them... Write down your feelings for her and send them through snail mail... affection is what she needs, when insecurity comes into play
UCFKevin Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Go for the gold before you call it quits. Give it all you got. That way, if it does indeed end, you'll know there's nothing you could've done to stop it. But if it works...you'll know it might not have if not for your gusto. You only live once. This could be the one. It could also NOT be the one, but better to know than not know...right?
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 word of caution from one who has experienced 'thinking' another wants to get back together. sending flowers, etc. is great but u really must take a good look at whether or not this notion of 'getting back' is only yours because if u have not received any positive signal, you are gonna piss them off big time and go thru weeks of explaining to the state police why u did that! [u know what i mean] so, check the facts before u act
Lostgurl Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Go for the gold before you call it quits. Give it all you got. That way, if it does indeed end, you'll know there's nothing you could've done to stop it. But if it works...you'll know it might not have if not for your gusto. You only live once. This could be the one. It could also NOT be the one, but better to know than not know...right? *melts* Wow! My views are dead on...
Trialbyfire Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 My guess would be that she is withdrawing before you do, whether this is a valid reason only you and she would know. Are you certain you've never given her the impression or reason for feeling insecure or untrusting? If you're not a guy who shows much emotion, your lack of emotion could be causing her insecurity.
Spooon69 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 But if a girl goes through these "phases", does she still truly love the guy? To me it looks like she doesn't otherwise why act like this? Why be with a girl that won't fully return the love given to her? Nothing against your gf dreamer44, just trying to see what's in the heart of a girl when she does this.
Author dreamer44 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks so much for the responses guys..you'll have been really really helpful. I know that she's in love with me...I've felt it so many times. But sometimes when I say I love her back, she'll say, "i don't know.." It's like she doesn't believe me. I think the problem is both her insecurity and my lack of showing affection. She doesn't feel loved, feels rejected and retracts. TBF: I've been thinking about that...sometimes she'll do/say things just to get a reaction out of me. We're both insecure..and I have trouble expressing my feelings sometimes, but she interprets that as not caring. She says she can't handle someone who'll love her one day but not the next. I think it just adds to her insecurities to begin with, but it's hard making her understand that I'm insecure too, you know? It's like she wants be to shown affection every single day. When I do, we're perfect, if I don't, she gets this way. D-Lish: I think you're right..she is testing me. Does this mean that I should chase after her and show as much affection as possible? I've tried this before, but she says I only do it when I get desperate...it's like a no-win situation for me. I really want to communicate with her, and I've tried. But logic doesn't seem to work with her..I think she believes we should do things naturally to see if we're meant to be together. Communication is like too hard for her, and somehow I should just "know" what she wants.
MassiveAtom Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 ...she is testing me. Does this mean that I should chase after her and show as much affection as possible? I've tried this before, but she says I only do it when I get desperate...it's like a no-win situation for me. She's "playing games" and is emotionally abusive. Get out NOW! been there, done that, MA
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 well, regarding the art of communication, my ex was also short and sweet and straight to the point. no muss and no fuss. perfectly clear right. i on the other hand have written volumes, novels, to which she will surely attest, is more than grateful that i no longer send her any such prose. since the day we first met, communication, and in every style and medium, was a trademark of ours and something we enjoyed immensely, so, when it was decided, by her to have no contact whatsoever with me, and to which i am aware is totally within her right and decision to enact, i know that she knows i know how doing something like that would effect and impact me - those who know u best, also know your soft spots - and it was no surprise the reaction i have gone through as a result. because we wrote songs, journals, blogs, poetry, everything together and talked everyday for over many years - i was and am fully aware that this was not just a way for her to heal, or to get rid of me, or to not have to answer to any more drama but also as a way to punish - and, again, when hurt people do do these things - i have accepted that a part in parcel of breaking up. so, for a while she had to put up with my antics and i did the same with her silence - and we have done so until there is no longer that 'bond formed thru communication' between us and that is also something i accept.
D-Lish Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 D-Lish: I think you're right..she is testing me. Does this mean that I should chase after her and show as much affection as possible? I've tried this before, but she says I only do it when I get desperate...it's like a no-win situation for me. I really want to communicate with her, and I've tried. But logic doesn't seem to work with her..I think she believes we should do things naturally to see if we're meant to be together. Communication is like too hard for her, and somehow I should just "know" what she wants. It does sound like your situation must be a little frustrating to you. She doesn't think you're giving her enough affection, so you show her more affection... and it's not good enough. Unfortunately, what will end up happening is that you'll begin to get tired of always trying to please her and become resentful of her not appreciating your efforts. Should you chase her relentessly everytime she pulls this? No. If you run after her and give into her negative behaviour everytime she pulls away... then she learns that she can control you with her negative behaviour. Does that make sense? Don't reward the negative behaviour. If you chase after her everytime she gets bitchy- then she'll learn that bitchy behaviour can make you chase her. You don't want to encourage that. You want to reward her LOVING actions. If she does something nice- or you have a good conversation.... then you should send her flowers, or a random text the next day saying "I really enjoyed our good talk last night, Love ya beautiful". Does that make sense? That way you are conditioning her to learn that when she is being a sweetheart, you are more responsive. On your end, that will entail being more attuned to the small things she does that are good- and learn to compliment her for those things. You just want her to recognize that you respond positively to her good actions, and hopefully, that will encourage her to nurture her loving side more often. Don't chase her when she's being indifferent to you...reward her when she's being good to you. I hope that makes snese to you...I'm a little tired tonight! You can ask me anything- I'm a master with the female insight! D
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 TBF: I've been thinking about that...sometimes she'll do/say things just to get a reaction out of me. We're both insecure..and I have trouble expressing my feelings sometimes, but she interprets that as not caring. She says she can't handle someone who'll love her one day but not the next. I think it just adds to her insecurities to begin with, but it's hard making her understand that I'm insecure too, you know? It's like she wants be to shown affection every single day. When I do, we're perfect, if I don't, she gets this way. I'm curious about how your relationship is structured. Does she give you affection daily or does she wait for you to give first? Are you the one who normally motivates everything?
Author dreamer44 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 It does sound like your situation must be a little frustrating to you. She doesn't think you're giving her enough affection, so you show her more affection... and it's not good enough. Unfortunately, what will end up happening is that you'll begin to get tired of always trying to please her and become resentful of her not appreciating your efforts. Should you chase her relentessly everytime she pulls this? No. If you run after her and give into her negative behaviour everytime she pulls away... then she learns that she can control you with her negative behaviour. Does that make sense? Don't reward the negative behaviour. If you chase after her everytime she gets bitchy- then she'll learn that bitchy behaviour can make you chase her. You don't want to encourage that. You want to reward her LOVING actions. If she does something nice- or you have a good conversation.... then you should send her flowers, or a random text the next day saying "I really enjoyed our good talk last night, Love ya beautiful". Does that make sense? That way you are conditioning her to learn that when she is being a sweetheart, you are more responsive. On your end, that will entail being more attuned to the small things she does that are good- and learn to compliment her for those things. You just want her to recognize that you respond positively to her good actions, and hopefully, that will encourage her to nurture her loving side more often. Don't chase her when she's being indifferent to you...reward her when she's being good to you. I hope that makes snese to you...I'm a little tired tonight! You can ask me anything- I'm a master with the female insight! D I called her today..and talked about some things that were on my mind. She said our main problem wasn't communication, it's that we're both really busy people. I'm here at school doing hard science work and she works full time. She says whenever I have tests, I blow her off and seem to not care for her at all. This isn't true, but I do shift gears to study mode, and I tend to block out everything in my life. She sees this as taking her for granted and not loving her enough. Over the phone, she said she doesn't think I'm ready for a relationship right now and that I "shouldn't waste my time." I kept asking her how she felt about me. She wouldn't answer me and said she didn't want to tell me. Finally, I told her that I loved her...and she said she loved me back. I couldn't stop crying inside. What does this mean? Does it mean she wants to put off our relationship? I'm not even sure if we're still bf/gf anymore, but I know she still loves me deeply. I think she just wants to pretend that we're not together so she doesn't set her expectations so high, just to be let down. She's so hard to figure out! BTW, what part of Ontario are u from? She's from there too.
Author dreamer44 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 I'm curious about how your relationship is structured. Does she give you affection daily or does she wait for you to give first? Are you the one who normally motivates everything? When we started out, she usually initiated...I have a hard time showing my emotions, so I'd only say it back when she said it. Now, it depends..when we're happy together, we both show it..I guess I've been changing. When I'm busy, I tend to not want to talk and focus on studying. Like sometimes she'd call me when I'm busy, and I'd say that I'm in the middle of something. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm busy or if it's the way I say it that makes her all mad. But later on, I'd start being affectionate, but she doesn't want to hear it. Does this mean something?
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 When we started out, she usually initiated...I have a hard time showing my emotions, so I'd only say it back when she said it. Now, it depends..when we're happy together, we both show it..I guess I've been changing. When I'm busy, I tend to not want to talk and focus on studying. Like sometimes she'd call me when I'm busy, and I'd say that I'm in the middle of something. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm busy or if it's the way I say it that makes her all mad. But later on, I'd start being affectionate, but she doesn't want to hear it. Does this mean something? Does this mean that she's dropped on your priority list from when you first started going out?
Author dreamer44 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Does this mean that she's dropped on your priority list from when you first started going out? When I have tests, I get really worried about doing well so I think I do neglect her a bit. She doesn't drop on my priority list, but I think my actions reflect differently and she interprets it that way. Like I'd still talk online with her while studying, but my mind is elsewhere. BTW, I've had to take medication for anxiety/depression before. Maybe the priority levels become the same? But in the big picture, she always comes first.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 When I have tests, I get really worried about doing well so I think I do neglect her a bit. She doesn't drop on my priority list, but I think my actions reflect differently and she interprets it that way. Like I'd still talk online with her while studying, but my mind is elsewhere. BTW, I've had to take medication for anxiety/depression before. Maybe the priority levels become the same? But in the big picture, she always comes first. Then communicate this to her. "I've got a big test coming up. I'm really stressed about it and need to focus on my studies. I love/care about you and want to spend time with you but this is really important to me and since you care about me, I know you'll understand.". If she doesn't provide you with the necessary support, she's a little too needy and you two should discuss that too.
Author dreamer44 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Then communicate this to her. "I've got a big test coming up. I'm really stressed about it and need to focus on my studies. I love/care about you and want to spend time with you but this is really important to me and since you care about me, I know you'll understand.". If she doesn't provide you with the necessary support, she's a little too needy and you two should discuss that too. I've done this! That's what makes it so frustrating..she knows I'm going to be busy, yet she still has expectations from me during this stress period. I've told her weeks in advance when I'd be busy, but she still gets that lonely feeling a few days beforehand. Perhaps I could phrase it better when I say it to her. I feel like I've tried everything, but it just doesn't seem to work with her, she's a real enigma.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I've done this! That's what makes it so frustrating..she knows I'm going to be busy, yet she still has expectations from me during this stress period. I've told her weeks in advance when I'd be busy, but she still gets that lonely feeling a few days beforehand. Perhaps I could phrase it better when I say it to her. I feel like I've tried everything, but it just doesn't seem to work with her, she's a real enigma. Communication is key but she does need to respect your boundaries. Let her know again how much you care but that you need this time to study for your exams. Education is very important. If she doesn't respect this, then I agree with D-Lish. Use the positive reinforcement technique. Good behaviour results in a positive return. Bad behaviour results in no attention.
D-Lish Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Yes! You have to stop giving into the negative behaviour by supplying her with attention. When it comes time to study, you need to be studying! There's no excuse for a partner to be needy and expect more during those times. LDR's are hard work. You have to be concentrating on school right now though. You'll have time to reconnect over the x-mas break I imagine. I'm from Hamilton- which is about 40min outside of Toronto. D
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