rp107 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Wow, I just found this site tonight and have spent hours reading.... I have found many stories but thought I would share... I am a 29 MM... I have been married almost 9 years and have been with her for 13 years. We have been told we got married at to yung of an age but we have dealt with it.. About 3 years ago I started spending to much time at work, not cheating or anything, just working alot for extra money... I lost track of her and found out she was with another guy. Anyway, we made it work, I took the blame and moved on. Let's jump to about 8 months ago... Every time we went out drinking she used to come home and we would have some crazy ass sex... but now she started crying, and fighting and throwing stuff at me. I kept telling her it was too much for me and I could not deal with it. All of July 06 we fought, I think almost every damn day over something. I told her late in July we needed to seek help or I was leaving, so we did... I let her pick a lady therpist and we went... The first month WAS GREAT, we were getting along better then ever. Then we went to a concert, she got drunk and lost it... she threw stuff at me, hit me, be littled me. I took it, I can never lift a hand to her, I am a big guy and would hurt her so I just sat on couch and took it... That was the night I lost my feelings for her, well they had been going but that nite did it...... I woke up the next day and no longer felt the same way... Well, needless to say we went back to counsling and it has not been the same since. I luv my wife, but am no longer in luv, but I got stupid.. I went and shared my feelings with a women I have worked with for 10+ years... yup, u guessed it... I have never felt this way about another women ever... we have every thing in common and the wierd thing is she is in the same kind of relationship as I am. I never ever stepped out or thought of it till bout 2 months ago, then it just happened.... So, back to my wife, u are probably saying... "why don't u just leave her"... I agree with u and in fact checked apartments out this week. I have two issues I am trying to resolve. My wife is depressed big time, co dependent, has no friends, and really only had me in her life... I don't feel guilty cause thats her choice, but I feel bad for her. I have been with her my whole adult life and feel bad she is gonna have to go from this lifestyle I have given her, to nothing.... I make 3 x more then her.... we have NO kids and she has a degree so alamony would be tuff for her to get... My second issue is, she is suicidle now and has been off and on for a while, which therpist knows.... Is it wrong for me to up and leave before holidays when she tells me she wants to kill herself or should I wait.... I can wait cause I know what I have to do, but I know I am leading her on... She knows I am looking at apartments cause I have told her how I truly feel......I have to tell u though it hurts ME to know the end is near and their is nothing I can do about it.... sure, I can try to be someone I no longer am but this is a vicious cycle and what will happen is we will be good for 3 months, then it will go back to fighting all over agian....who knows... I luv her, just not in luv with her.... Their are so many diffrent aspects to my issue here.... so let me throw more of it at ya... This gal I am seeing says she is in luv with me. her husband got a hold of her phone bill and knows something is up between us but he has no proof for sure. Their are seeking therpy, HE thinks to help their marrage, she says she is doing what she needs to do to get by. They have two kids and she sends this to me today..."[FONT=Arial]i think sometimes i need to put myself on the backburner and look for the greater good...my kids and their happiness. i guess that's what a good or exceptional parent does. put myself back and do it for the kids. then i think of you and what happiness i can have for myself. and now i'm torn. who's more important? me? or my kids? [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#000000]that's where i am today" [FONT=Verdana]I, of course told her kids are more of her concern then me, but she says she is in a delima that has her staying with someone she no longer luvs or picking something she never knew existed. He has hit her before and is not their emotionally untill, u guessed it, he found out about me.[/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT] So, I know I have to leave me wife, because I don't feel the same way about her and that sucks... I have tried everything to test my thoughts on our relationship and all we do is fight unless I am someone who kisses her ass pretty much. Partly my fault for giving her everything she has ever wanted. I just don't know if she will do something stupid and since I am the only one she has what do I do? I know I have to leave her FOR ME and not the OW in order for something to work out with the OW but heck... I am scared sihtless... I have never been on my own as an adult. Do I just buy a blow up doll and get some inscents....? bash me, help me, advise me.... whatever u got I am willing to hear, just thought I would share..... O, and happy holidays...
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 The bottom line is that you are not responsible for your exes actions. It sounds like she has driven you to the breaking point. Does she know about the other woman? I wouldn't tell her if she doesn't already know. If you must leave- and it sounds like you should- do it under the guise of needing space. You really should not jump head first into another serious relationship without getting over this one first. It might do you some good to spend some time on your own, to get to know yourself again. Yes, I'd make sure your wife gets the help she needs first before leaving. But don't let her suicidal threats hold you hostage. I would leave too if I was exposed to that kind of abuse. Good luck. D
Author rp107 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 She don't know about OW... just a crappy situation and I know I will be fine once I get out, but every time I get to walk'n she does something or says something to get me worried or what not... ugh I just wish I was not so damn caring... I wish I could tell her to shuff it for all she has done, but I blame myself and can't get past that.... as for OW, I will have some time bymyself for sure... she has a mess of her own to clean up before we hook up, we where thinkin six months or so, but timelines are not something I live by... I am just gonna roll with it... but I need to get past this first hump... soon enough I guess....
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I think you're taking on too much too soon. It's good that this OW has inspired you to think about making a change in your life, but deal with the change before dealing with where the relationship with the OW is going. Try to last the holidays if you can, out of respect. But let your wife know that you are moving on. If she hurts herself you CANNOT be blamed for it. We all make choices, and it will be up to her to make her own decisions. Remember, if your story is true, you are not the bad guy here. She has been making poor decisions for a while and she will have to face the consequences of those decisions and of the behavior. As far as the OW, don't pile on yourself. Keep in contact with her, give her room, but deal with your own situation first. It'll take WAY too much energy to manage both situations at the same time, no? Good luck with whatever you decide.
Author rp107 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I am finding out already it is too much to handle.... I know I am grasping, and I can't.. I just need to put my effort into one thing at a time.. thanks,
bab Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Talk to your therapist about it. See if she can double the times she sees her once you make this announcement. Call your MIL and tell her that you are leaving but that you are worried for your Wife's safety. Ask her to come down and be with her for awhile.
Author rp107 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I have counsler next week. let me ask u this..... is our marriage to far in the toliet to fix... some of u may ask, why the heck would I want to fix it.... I, of course am the one who has to make the decision, but I am just so confused and want to make sure I am making right decisions.... I just read a great book called "if your gonna walk on the water, you have to get out of the boat"... it clarified a lot for me, but I am having such a hard time putting the events into motion... What am I holding on to?... Could it still be luv?... I really feel diffrent now when I am around wife and it was this way before OW so I am not sure why the hell I keep beating myself up over leaving.... or is it just this damn hard to end a relationship?... I consider my self a good guy, I do whatever I can for her so maybe its just that part of me holding on... up till 3 months ago I was the storngiest person when it came to emotions, now I cry daily... I fight it back, but hurt so bad.... Should I just find a way to luv my wife.... I think in the last few days my feelings for the OW have died down so thats not top of mind as much.... I really need to get off the damn pot... One minute I feel strongly about my decisions, then I just second guess everything over agian... ugh...
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I think the important thing for you to do is determine the motive for wanting to heal the marriage. If you are doing it for love or to finish what you have started, that can never be considered the wrong reason. If, however, it is because you can't handle the rejection that has happened and you need to feel vindicated by "winning her back", I would offer that that is not a good reason to try to save this. Pride can be rebuilt, and you don't need to ruin the rest of your life to prove that you could win her back. Hope that helps.
bab Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I have counsler next week. let me ask u this..... is our marriage to far in the toliet to fix... some of u may ask, why the heck would I want to fix it.... I, of course am the one who has to make the decision, but I am just so confused and want to make sure I am making right decisions.... My personal opinion is except in the case of abuse (you need to decide if what you are experiencing constitutes abuse), if you are willing to try to fix the marriage, then no, it's not to far in the toliet to fix. Not saying it won't be hard, and a long road, but there was a reason you said for better or worse.
Author rp107 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Vindicitive is not who I am..... I am just worried I try to make it work and then the CYCLE comes back.... We talked last nite and we know we both have changed... Here is why I think I am a total dumb ass.... I went home and could not contain myself, was crying... I brushed by her and told her I was gonna go lay down.... few minutes later she came in concerned, 10 minutes went by and she was already pissed at me... blaming me for stuff again... I totally think it's because this is all I have known as an adult but I am telling u, I have never.. ever had these feelings in my life.... I have a totally new outlook on life and have compasion for those who go through stuff like this.... this hurts and sucks and I think the only thing to make it beeter is time... UGH...... the weekends have turned from flying by, to lasting forever... thanks for responses though.. all good insites..
Recommended Posts