New Girl, Old Story

[simplegirl]

I know my story is long so I'll try to keep it short. I have been divorced for 2.5 years. My ex did not want the divorce but moved on very quick (married 8 months after moving out, 6 weeks after divorce final). I played the "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you game" so I know how it works. Fast forward to present, kind of. Seven years ago I met this great guy. We had really good chemistry, friends only as we were both married and never would have thought about it going any further. After a few years of we kind of lost contact and talked via e-mail 3-4 times over a 4.5 year period. Two months ago I e-mailed him to see how he was and he told me he was getting divorced. They had been separated for 9 months with one attempt at a reconciliation that lasted 2 weeks 4 months prior. We decided to get together for drinks. That was all it took. After that we were an "us." We went kind of slow but not really, meeting each other's kids (in that capacity) after 3-4 weeks and so forth. Well, stbx found out about me and went nuts. I had already warned him of the "I don't want him but no one else can have him" that occurs with women, especially if they don't have anyone and he does. She has already been in a serious relationship and out of it. She started the game. He paid no attention to it so she kept pushing but not directly asking him back or anything, just telling him he was committing adultrey and stuff. Long story short about a month ago she pulled the grand finale. Without too many details, she ended up arrested and lost her job over her grand finale. She immediately went to him for help and due to the fact that they have two children he decided to help her. If he doesn't he's afraid she'll move away (he's had the kids the whole time they were separated but she was close enough to see them on an almost daily basis) and have no relationship with the kids. He grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" household and has said that the reason they married is because she was P and that their marriage was over a long time ago but they stayed together for the kids until she finally left. Well, when the grand finale occured he called and told me that she was moving in and it just so happened we had plans that night. We went out and after we got to my house we talked about the situation but at that time he had no answers really. That was a Friday, I didn't hear from him again until Monday when he e-mailed me and called me to tell me everything was still in a "pending" state. The next day he e-mailed me to tell me that we needed to go on "hold" until the issues with her were cleared up. That he wanted to continue our relationship but this had to be put in order first. He said they were not getting back together nor were they talking about it. We talked a few times that week via e-mail and phone but it was very emotional for me. That next Friday he came over and was teary eyed that he had to deal with this but we do have a future. He said he would call or e-mail when he could. The next morning he called and we talked for a few minutes. That was a Saturday. I didn't hear from him again until Tuesday when I got this e-mail from him about how much he missed me and thinks about me all the time. He really hopes I can wait this out with him and that he loves me. He called me a few minutes later but we could only talk for a minute as he had to go (he was at work). That was the last time I heard from him (over a week ago). I talk to his best friend all the time and he's not really hearing from him either. When he does he tells him how much he misses me and stuff. On top of all this is his dad is pretty sick and he is responsible for that too. I completely trust everything he says but NC is so hard and I am scared to death he will tell me he is going back to her if I sit and wait. Not only that but how long do I "wait." He did say this would be over sooner than later making me think it's not going to good living together but I don't know. As far as I know she has no job yet which means she can't move out anytime soon. Any advice???

[D-Lish]

You probably won't want to hear this, but if I were you I'd walk away.

I have been in a similar situation, and all it did was cause me heartache.

 

I'd see his decision to "help" out his ex wife as a deep betrayal to your relationship. He's chosen to put you on hold in favour of placing his ex wife as his current priority. Telling you he misses you isn't enough of a gesture to make you feel secure.... but you should feel secure in a relationship!

 

At the very least, it would probably be in your best interest to cut off all contact with him until he gets his priorities straight. He's chosen to take on the responsibility of his ex wife's troubles... and even if he says he doing it for his children... that doesn't leave you in a satisfied situation.

 

I'd let him know that as far as your concerned that it's over. This will, at the very least, force him into making some decisions over where he wants to be and who he wants in his life. Otherwise, keeping in contact will only leave you confused and cause you heartache.

 

You're worth more than being put on "hold" while he dotes on his ex.

 

In my case, my current ex still had unresolved feelings for his ex from six years ago.... he had never really gotten over the heartbreak of her leaving him, and I had to deal with living in her shadow for the year we dated. He had her pictures up on the wall in his house, talked about her incessantly, and compared me to her. When I asked him to remove the pictures (come on pal, it's been six years), he got angry and told me I was trying to control him. It's painful to deal with the shadow of an ex- even more so to deal with the tangible presence of that person still embroiled in your love interest's life.

 

You deserve better than this, keep telling yourself that.

If /when you decide to get back together with him- he'd better be adhering to more appropriate boundaries with his ex.

D

[simplegirl]

You're right and I know you're right, I need to walk away and let him know that I'm walking away. Then he would be forced to make a decision about the situation. My head knows that but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared that being the man that I know he is he will comply with the situation he's in for the "sake of the children" until she's good and ready to go. I honestly believe this whole things was a plot to get him and I to quit seeing each other and it got way out of control. Part of me thinks that he has "cut me off" or has her thinking he cut me off so that she thinks I'm out of the picture because he knows she'll more willing to leave at that point. But now she has herself in a mess with no income, no where to live and as far as I know no job possibilities yet. Plus she goes to court in January for her arrest and there is a possibility of jail time. Very slim possibility though since she's a first offender and it wasn't a "major" crime. She'll probably get probation and community service. I understand him feeling like he needs to help her out since they were together for a long time, it wasn't that long ago that I was in those shoes. My other concern is the kids. With her being in the house in my opinion it can give the kids a false hope of their parents getting back together and if they aren't then the kids have to go through the separation all over again for a third time! Not only that but if/when she moves out and I do come back in the picture I don't want any resentment toward me from the kids that it may have been my fault their parents didn't get back together. Their oldest child knows what their mother did but I don't know if they understand the reason she is in the house is because of what she did.

[D-Lish]

I think you're right to believe it's a ploy on her part to keep you two apart. The fact that he's buying into it - being out of the guilt he feels, for the sake of the children..whatever the reason- is a bad sign.

 

I can't imagine the hurt and frustration you're feeling at the moment. But I think it's exactly because of that- that you have to remove yourself from the situation.

 

I'm sure he's not happy about the situation, but regardless, he's allowing it to happen. If she's capable of such manipulation to worm her way back into his home... then who knows what else she is capable of.

 

This is his problem, his issue. You don't have to make it yours.

I know how much you like him, and how painful this must be. But it's not fair for him to keep you waiting- or to expect you to wait.

 

The bottom line is that this woman will always be a part of his life because of the children. I suspect, that by staying with him, that you will always have to deal with her BS.

 

Pain the ass ex wife!

I was/am a great ex wife! I even agreed to expediate our divorce so he could get remarried to a woman he accidentally knocked up during our trial seperation... ! lol.

Men!

 

D