brickaney Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I have seriously dug myself a hole and it's getting my wonderful boyfriend of two years, annoyed. On several occasions, my lack of listening skills have caused us problems. Here's what happened to spark this thread::: So my boyfriend and I are planning a trip up to lake tahoe this winter break. His grandparents have a cabin up there that we're going to stay at. I asked & confirmed with my bf that one of my good (girl) friends is going to come with us. In consideration for her I want to bring another friend (guy/girl) so she isn't stuck being the third wheel. Anyways, I have this great friend we'll call him "Joe" that she would totally get along with and maybe more hahaha. I asked my bf if it would be alright if Joe came along too (eliminating the 3rd wheel action) but he wasn't sure. He said Joe would annoy him. I pressed further asking why? He didn't give a good reason so I asked him to think about it and get back to me. The next morning (this morning) I was very excited to talk to my girl friend about it. We talked and talked and after taking our midterm in class I didn't want to have to think for the rest of the day. I completely forgot that my bf was going to think about whether or not he's ok with Joe going, and I told Joe all about the trip. Half way through my first sentence I had remembered that my bf didn't give me an answer. I felt awful. I told Joe I wasn't supposed to mention the trip to him yet because my bf didn't know if Joe or my girl friend could even go yet. So I think I did the right thing telling my bf, just about ten minutes ago, that I completely blew it. He wasn't angry with me because I was honest, but he did tell me he is annoyed that I did not listen. I have tried facing this reality that my listening skills suck but I can't seem to help them. All morning I told myself over and over not to tell Joe about the trip and then I did later. I feel awful. What can I do to help my listening skills improve???
Walk Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 It's not your listening skills. You heard your bf well enough to explain in this thread what he said to you. What I see is a lack of caring how your bf feels. Totally different problem. Your bf said he didn't feel comfortable with Joe going. He said Joe would annoy him. You didn't like that answer, so you pushed for a better answer. Instead of accepting that it would make your bf uncomfortable, you go ahead and invite Joe along. This is going to be blunt, but I think it needs to be said. It's your Bf's grandparents cabin, not yours. Yet you're the one inviting all these other people. Then you want "better" reasons for why your bf doesnt' want some other guy along. It sounds really selfish of you. Also.. It's a bad idea to invite along two people on your vacation thinking that the two will "hook up". You're asking for trouble. It will make things incredibly uncomfortable for everyone. Maybe not you. But everyone else will be. If you're really concerned with your friend feeling left out then why don't you see if one of her friends (that all of you already know and get along with) wants to come too. Or talk to your friend about your concern about her feeling like a third wheel and do your best not to make her feel left out.
Author brickaney Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Alright I understand that I do seem like I don't care. My bf and I discussed having other people come along. I guess I didn't make it clear that "Joe" and my bf happen to be pretty close friends, hence I didn't understand why he would be annoyed. When I asked him he said he was worried Joe would invite "Bob" who would annoy both of us. I reassured him Joe would not and gave him time to think about it. I feel that was fair, unintrusive, and respectful to give him the decision. Also, I am totally aware that it is not MY cabin. I am not an intrusive person and I asked for permission to have other friends come along. I also asked my girl friend if there was someone she would want to bring, a close friend. She said yes but the girl may be on vacation. I made a backup plan w/ Joe. Joe and my girl friend are not awkward people, they're interested in one another, and even if nothing happened they both have the charisthma to handle being alone together.
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Sounds to me like you are being absolutely selfish and making your "couple" vacation into a group vacation. Do you have any idea if your bf really wanted anyone else going at all? If not, you have totally ruined his vacation and probably made him feel like you don't want to spend any time with him alone. Just from the tone of your post, I do get the feel that you are young and self-centered. You have somehow made this trip all about you and your friends and not at all about your bf. It was very selfish of you to invite others (with or wthout permission) to something he probably wanted to just be the 2 of you.
Walk Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Ok.. I was going off of your bf being annoyed by Joe, not by Bob. I have a suggestion though.. Take a look at your bf's actions in all this. If he honestly wants a friend along, then he will take the initiative to invite a friend. If he isn't happy with the idea, but doing it to make you happy, then he's going to say he's fine with it, then not take action. He's hesitant when you discussed who to bring. I think it'd be in your best interest to place more weight on his hesitancy, and inaction. Talk to him again to see if he's still comfortable bringing friends, and what the two of you can change to make him happy about the vacation. Last thing you want is for him to feel resentful about the situation. I know that's not your intent. But I think you're placing all the importance on his words, while his actions are saying the opposite. With what you wrote in your two posts, his actions are saying no, and his words were saying no, yet you invited Joe anyway. I'm not saying your a bad person. You were excited about it. You're a bit of a "go getter" from the way it sounded. But your bf may feel more against taking friends then you are actually hearing. Talk to your bf, give him plenty of room to discuss his true thoughts, and just listen. Don't ask him to think on it, or to consider different reasons for why he should change his mind, just listen and take in what he says both verbally and non-verbally first. You know your relationship best, and how each of you communicates. Take the replies on here and consider them, and then come to your own conclusion. But keep your mind open to the idea that maybe your bf might not be happy that you are such a go getter in this situation.
Author brickaney Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 Sounds to me like you are being absolutely selfish and making your "couple" vacation into a group vacation. Do you have any idea if your bf really wanted anyone else going at all? If not, you have totally ruined his vacation and probably made him feel like you don't want to spend any time with him alone. Just from the tone of your post, I do get the feel that you are young and self-centered. You have somehow made this trip all about you and your friends and not at all about your bf. It was very selfish of you to invite others (with or wthout permission) to something he probably wanted to just be the 2 of you. Alright well obviously typing out words can't create a strong enough tone for you. I don't see how writing to people online can make you evaluate me the way you did? Yes I must be self centered because my boyfriend could give less of a damn about that type of stuff. I did not go off and ask people to come. We talked about what we were going to do up there. The next day or so my girl friend said she was planning on going up to tahoe (brought the topic up on her own mind you since she was planning on going snowboarding with another guy). This sparked my interest. Later that night I talked to my bf. I specifically asked him if he wanted the trip to be just the two of us. His response *a smile* & "I don't care". Now I know that in man language that doesn't mean "I do care" because if it did he wouldn't have been happy about it, he would've stalled and said "I don't know". I do know my boyfriend very well and he is not one to have his feelings easily hurt. He says what he means and means what he says. I told him to think about it after I accidentally told joe about it. It's been two weeks. I asked him the other day, have you thought about it? "No I forgot". I know he was being honest since he has a lot on his mind anyways. At this point I could care less if joe even came. I don't even know if my girl friend can come. My post was asking one simple question. "How can I improve my listening skills?" Not "Evaluate me please. PLease tell me I'm young and don't know anything. Please tell me how self-centered I sound when I type. Please think I'm an idiot for making a mistake because no human in the history of mankind has ever made a mistake. Oh and don't forget to insult and patronize my relationship."
norajane Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I don't see this as being about improving your listening skills, either. You did hear what your bf was saying. You knew that you weren't supposed to invite Joe until you heard back from your bf - according to your post : All morning I told myself over and over not to tell Joe about the trip and then I did later. So you listened, and you heard, and you understood, but you didn't act like you'd heard or didn't remember it...your problem sounds more like a lack of impulse control. It's similar to keeping secrets. Some people are good at it, and some people can't hold the secrets in when they're talking to someone else. You have to learn to control your impulses and think before you speak, even when you're excited about something. So ask yourself, what could you have done differently so that when you saw Joe, you had remembered that you weren't supposed to mention the trip? You remembered during your first sentence - what could you have done to remember before your first sentence?
Walk Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 My post was asking one simple question. "How can I improve my listening skills?" Well.. I did. Yet you ignored it. Took the first thing that struck you and ran with it. Totally ignored everything else said. Listening means not getting upset and defensive, but taking in what was said and evaluating it objectively. If it doesn't fit, give your reasons, but don't blow a nut over it. So what if he called you selfish. Your first post did read incredibly selfish. YOU are the one sending the message. If you know you're not selfish, then it doesn't matter what some stranger who types words on a screen says about you.
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