Dating much younger than yourself....

[scrybe74]

Thanks for all the great input everyone! Looks like I attracted some of the wiser members of the community here. I feel a lot better about myself and how to approach this. I'm just gonna relax and let nature take it's course. I'm not going to focus on the age and just focus on seeing if there is a connection and having a good time. I'll update you guys on how the date went when I get home Sunday evening.

 

Oh...as far as her meeting my son that will have to wait a bit. I don't want to do that unless I'm really thinking about having an LTR with someone. I'm definitely nixing the penguin idea for now. I'll Just be myself. We talked again last night and the conversation went a lot better. I relaxed and joked around with her more and it seemed to relax her too so we had a good laugh.

[sugarplum]

I agree that you should give it a shot. But make sure you leave the high school girls alone, I dont care if they are seniors! But seriously, everyone is different. She may be really mature and your perfect match. Maybe you are immature and her perfect match . You'll never know until you try. Chances are, her personality will speak louder than her age anyway. And that's what's important. Of course, if things work out, fitting in with your kids will be an issue too. (I know all about that) So she really has a two step process to go through anyway.

 

My only word of caution.... I remember me at 20. I was someone else entirely at 25, 26. The age difference is not as apparent as teenagers (like say a 13 year old with a 17 year old - major differences) but there is still a lot of growing up to be done even in your 20's. At least there was for me. I dont think I really became "myself" until my late 20's. That sounds stupid, but I think you know what I mean. I hadn't yet "found myself" when I was only 20 - but I thought I had at the time......

 

But who knows what will happen? .....only Magic 8 ball. Ask. Good luck!

[daphne]

Scrybe,

 

I would tread lightly with this one. I hate to be the wet blanket, but I don't think you're being terribly realistic with this one. It's not the age difference so much as the age. She's only 20 and doesn't know who she is yet and she's still a baby. In a different culture you could be a father figure to her, but this is the States and that stuff just doesn't happen much anymore.

 

I also look young for my age. The average age of guys who ask me out is about 27. I have dated a couple and realized that it's not really my cup of tea. Even at that age they have no clue as to who they are. Even when they seem well grounded.

 

If you're ok with making an investment that imo has a low probability of working out, go for it. Just be careful.

[burning 4 revenge]

Bottom line is you're more of a father-type figure than anything else. I don't think they can feel the intensity of passion for you that they can feel for someone their own age and even if they can it's a short term thing. There is no future in this relationship. It has zero probability of success.

[scrybe74]

So we finally had our first date. There were a few surprises. Let me first explain that I met her online and though we've exchanged pictures this is the first time we've met in person.

 

When I saw her coming out of the elevator she was as beautiful in person as she was in her photos. However what she failed to mention on the phone and through email was that she was disabled. I was very surprised about this but tried to figure out what my surprise was about before I reacted. I have a close friends who also has a walking disability and I find her to be very attractive and probably would have dated her if we weren't such good friends.

 

In the end I was just surprised because she never mentioned it and it was unexpected. We sat down for lunch and I didn't waste anytime. I just asked her about it up front and we talked about it.

 

After we cleared the air we had a great date. Went to lunch and then a theme park and had a blast. Definite mutual attraction and sparks were flying. I didn't feel uncomfortable about her age and frankly it didn't come up much with one exception.

 

She seems a bit agressive. I mean....after a couple of hours it was obvious that she REALLY liked me and I started feeling the pressure that she wanted to go all the way with this after a first date. I had to have a talk with her and slow things down. I mentioned that she's too young to be trying to get so serious so fast. I also didn't want to jump into anything right away. I made it clear that I definitely want to see her again and we can just see where things go from there but I'm worried that she's got her sights set on me. It's way too soon for me to figure out if things are for the long term with us obviously so that's a red flag I suppose. I'm currently sititng here with mixed emotions. I think she's fun, sexy, smart and we get along really well so far. I can't help but feel smothered already. We talked on the way home after I dropped her off. I ended the conversation 20 minutes into it because I was tired and had a long drive. She called back 30 minutes later to talk but I said I'd call her later. I called her basically to say good night and we ended up in a 30 minute conversation. After I hung up she text me that she missed me already. She called again this morning first thing as I was going in to work and then again midday (I didn't pick up).

 

She wants to come out to see me this weekend (she lives an hour away) and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I have kids and I need to take things slow. She already wants to meet my daughter. She met my son on our first date but it was because it ran late and so we went pick him up together.

 

So that's where it is. I think after writing this I realized that I need to have a talk with her. I have some concerns I suppose.

[CaliGuy]

Yep, she is way too clingy. I figure you can do one of two things here:

 

1. Say something to her to get her to understand she needs to slow down or

2. End it right now.

 

Obviously the red flags are there and she has some insecurities. You can choose to try and work through them or you can run.

 

The choice is yours. If it were mine I'd explain one more time that she needs to learn to have some confidence in herself and that taking it slow is a good idea. If she doesn't get it then walk away.

 

I feel bad for her. I can only assume the disability is what is driving her insecurities. The question is can you deal with it? Remember, she's young and might not have had her share of relationship experience.

 

Best of luck.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

An unexpected twist in the story.

 

But, that shouldn't change anything -unless you want it to.

 

The fact that she didn't tell you about her disability before the get together says a lot about her personality and the way she views herself. She took a risk at meeting you, knowing that either way her disability would be a tough bump to overcome -nice guy or not.

 

Moreso, you welcomed and accepted her with her flaws -handling the situation better than most other males, who would have given her a hard time, allowed her to gradually open up to you. You set the mood and the pace.

 

Most likely she underestimated herself -and you, as well. With that said, she is just trying to be a great date and a friend. She's just scared. So it backfired, as clinginess.

 

Yes. She is being a little too clingy. But that doesn't make her garbage or a psycho woman. She is handling this pretty well -and of course she'll have insecurities. Who doesn't?

 

I suggest you talk to her, about slowing down with all honesty. Be firm, but gentle. Be forward, but have some compassion. Don't crush her.

 

Most of all, don't feel sorry for her! [she can sense this a mile away]

 

She's not dumb. She'll understand.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[burning 4 revenge]

Do you like her personality? I'd tread lightly, but give it a chance. You say there was chemistry, so why not?

 

Jesus Christ, it's Christmas!

[Porn_Guy]

i am about to turn 19 but i would go out with an older girl

[silentalways]

wow

 

i need to get a binder

 

[runs across bank street, turns at lisgar]

 

i need copies of all this stuff

 

i have never seen u as anything as who u are and as my equal - and that means your own person with yer own special qualities and wants and needs and that we would work togther on some and together than solo on others

there is a lot endebtness guilt attached in all this

couple counselling is required for the fact alone that this has been held inside so long

 

wow...i remember u saying the 'dad' thing to me twice

my shrink mentioned that about u and the age thing too

i just see u

u being with me has caused u so many problems

 

 

there is so much u never told me, hide from me, worried about - its like fear

 

could i have done a better job helping with that?

 

u don't show it like i do

[sugarplum]

I have to agree with CaliGuy on something, I too believe that her disability could drive her insecurities. I only say this as a person who works with children with disabilities. Those with speech problems or other issues that are visibly obvious can be very insecure, try way too hard to act "normal", or act out in a way to focus attention on something else other that the disability. I'm am sure she has met come not-so-understanding folks along the way in life (haven't we all). Could be wrong, but it seems very possible. Keep this in mind whatever you do. But you cant be in an uncomfortable "relationship" because of it either. I recommend just talking to her about it. Ask her about past relationships, her disability, and how that all relates to her actions with you. I know you are a kind person and can do this with tact. And ask yourself, is the disability an issue for you? Really? I mean you are human. If she were not disabled, would the aggressiveness put you off as it has? I mean no offense.....yer my pal!

[scrybe74]

I have to agree with CaliGuy on something, I too believe that her disability could drive her insecurities. I only say this as a person who works with children with disabilities. Those with speech problems or other issues that are visibly obvious can be very insecure, try way too hard to act "normal", or act out in a way to focus attention on something else other that the disability. I'm am sure she has met come not-so-understanding folks along the way in life (haven't we all). Could be wrong, but it seems very possible. Keep this in mind whatever you do. But you cant be in an uncomfortable "relationship" because of it either. I recommend just talking to her about it. Ask her about past relationships, her disability, and how that all relates to her actions with you. I know you are a kind person and can do this with tact. And ask yourself, is the disability an issue for you? Really? I mean you are human. If she were not disabled, would the aggressiveness put you off as it has? I mean no offense.....yer my pal!

 

Thanks again for the input everyone and of course always m'lady Sugarplum!

 

So I did a lot of thinking yesterday and discussion with a couple of close friends who know me pretty well. I decided to have a talk with the girl so I sat down to write some things out to get my thoughts and feelings together.....I wrote her a letter and rewrote it....and rewrote it....and rewrote it.....Finally...it dawned on me. I had to end it. I was struggling to find a way to make things work. I had a lot of problems with a few things that happened on the date that bothered me. They bothered me in the back of my mind while in the midst of it all but looking back more clearly I'm unhappy with how I behaved. I didn't want her to meet my son so soon. I certainly didn't want him to see me kissing and being affectionate with someone so soon. I didn't intend to spend the whole day with her like that and then go on into the night and having dinner with my son. I just let my self get caught up with everything. It was too much.

 

So she called me (again) and I decided to just tell her. She didn't take it well and tried to reason with me and change my mind. She said that she was too distraught to go take her finals and she didn't care about anything else anymore but me. She repeatedly asked me why and I told her my reasons and that no we can't see each other again. I tried to be gentle. I tried to be nice and understanding. I tried to explain to her in different ways why it won't work for me and probably not for her. I said goodbye and hung up.

 

She called back 5 minutes later crying and angry. Saying that she refuses to walk away from 'us' and 'what we have' and that shouldn't she get a say in any of this? I told her no. Two people meet, they see how things go and they should both be free to walk away and do it in a respectful way. She just wouldn't get it. I told her that a relationship with her is not what and she came back with saying that she can handle it if we aren't in a relationship but that she just doesn't want me to see other women (??????) I told her that of course if I continue dating (not so sure anymore after this) that I will see other women!

 

Anyway...it got all messy....I told her to please let it go and move on. We hung up.

 

I thought it was over.

 

She called again later and said that she wanted to talk. I told her that I would talk to her in a few days and that I would call her at the end of the week on Friday or Saturday after she's calmed down a bit and we can talk again.

 

She emailed me twice while I was in class last night saying that she wanted to talk to me and see me.

 

I emailed her back that I would call her tomorrow and we can talk but that I am NOT changing my mind.

 

I woke up this morning to 2 emails about how she misses me and wants to see me and will call me at lunch.

 

I was done.

 

I then sent her a very FIRM email that she is to not call me anymore. I do not want to see her again. I do not want to talk to her. I tried to be nice but you refuse to take no for an answer so I will be as direct as possible.

 

It's 2:00 pm and I haven't heard from her yet so I think it's over.

 

(scratching my head)

 

I've been out of the dating game for awhile. I'm a little rusty. But this can't be normal. I think I'm learning real quick that when you don't want to see someone again you have to be quick, direct and to the point.

[scrybe74]

wow

 

i need to get a binder

 

[runs across bank street, turns at lisgar]

 

i need copies of all this stuff

 

i have never seen u as anything as who u are and as my equal - and that means your own person with yer own special qualities and wants and needs and that we would work togther on some and together than solo on others

there is a lot endebtness guilt attached in all this

couple counselling is required for the fact alone that this has been held inside so long

 

wow...i remember u saying the 'dad' thing to me twice

my shrink mentioned that about u and the age thing too

i just see u

u being with me has caused u so many problems

 

 

there is so much u never told me, hide from me, worried about - its like fear

 

could i have done a better job helping with that?

 

u don't show it like i do

 

Ah...I don't know you but that was a weird post you put up here. I checked those streets and that's in Canada. I'm American so I hope you don't think it's me you're referring too.

 

Good luck to you.

[blind_otter]

dude, she's 20. Of course she acted that way. Her frontal lobe isn't even fully formed yet, and that's the part of the brain that governs rational thought and decision making.

 

I'm just saying.

[sugarplum]

well, obviously, my bovine loving friend, she got waaaaaaayyyyyy too attached way to soon! This is totally inappropriate and says something about her maturity. I still think some is due to the disability, whatever it is. I cant help but wonder if she assumes its because of that since you got on so well before you laid eyes on her. I cant help but also wonder if this is not the first time she's been through this.

 

Regardless, you did the right thing. She seems a bit unstable and you do not need to be her rescuer. Ending this "relationship" or lack thereof was a wise move. I am sure that your good looks (moo!) and charming personality seemed to be a treat she could never live without and this is probably a common thing for you...... but hooray to you for figuring it out before your kids got really involved. And in the future, I dont recommend meeting the kiddies until much, much later! For obvious reasons.

 

You need to learn to put your own brakes on in the very beginning. Slow down and play a little hard to get! If you keep rushing things you will wind up with a woman like in that video who likes to kick - and it sounds like you almost did!

[Star Gazer]

Who cares if you're 32/37 and LOOK 23/25 or whatever. That doesn't matter. CaliGuy ALMOST had it right - age isn't a number, but it's also NOT what you look like or what looks "right" either. It's about one's life's experiences, maturity, etc., and when you're 20, 21, 23... I'm sorry, even if you've had a "rough life" you are NOT who you will be once you're in your 30's and later in life.

 

You have two children from different relationships and you're 37. You've got a TON of life experience under your belt. She is TWENTY. TWENTY. And CG's gal is 23. I'm sorry, but I was a completely different person at 23 than I was at 20... and now at 28 I've evolved like 5 times since 23, and I've still got so much more personal growth ahead of me.

 

A person's 20's are a period of complete growth and change... there's NO WAY you can be in the "same place" right now. You might have some interests in common, sure, but she will be a completely different person in 2, 5, 8 years...

 

If you were 47 and she 30, sure. But she's TWWWWEEEENNNNTTTYYY.

[Star Gazer]

Okay, moot post. I didn't read the entire thread...

 

I'm not surprised though. See, experience - over time - will teach her not to behave like that. I probably pulled the same crap when I was her age!!

[scrybe74]

dude, she's 20. Of course she acted that way. Her frontal lobe isn't even fully formed yet, and that's the part of the brain that governs rational thought and decision making.

 

I'm just saying.

 

 

 

Duly noted.....duly noted...

[CaliGuy]

Scrybe, you did the right thing. The only thing I would have added if you didn't do it already is let her know how she is perceived by other people and let her know she needs to address those issues (if you feel comfortable doing so).

 

Star Gazer, experience and age don't always coincide. I've dated 30 year olds that act like they are 17 and 24 year olds that are VERY mature for their age. In fact, the 24 year old (had there been mutual interest) I would have liked to pursue a relationship with as I thought she was right on the money as far as what I look for in a potential LTR and a woman as a whole.

 

My point is, it doesn't matter the age as much as it matters the state of mind. Experience doesn't always do it (how many 37 year olds with 2 kids have you seen that STILL act like they are 16?! I know plenty!). Maturity is a state of mind, not a number and not always based on experience.

[scrybe74]

Yeah...live and learn. I'm still learning.....

[scrybe74]

Scrybe, you did the right thing. The only thing I would have added if you didn't do it already is let her know how she is perceived by other people and let her know she needs to address those issues (if you feel comfortable doing so).

 

Star Gazer, experience and age don't always coincide. I've dated 30 year olds that act like they are 17 and 24 year olds that are VERY mature for their age. In fact, the 24 year old (had there been mutual interest) I would have liked to pursue a relationship with as I thought she was right on the money as far as what I look for in a potential LTR and a woman as a whole.

 

My point is, it doesn't matter the age as much as it matters the state of mind. Experience doesn't always do it (how many 37 year olds with 2 kids have you seen that STILL act like they are 16?! I know plenty!). Maturity is a state of mind, not a number and not always based on experience.

 

 

I know some people here feel like saying "I told you so" but seriously. I don't think it's that simple. You can't just blanket every 20 year old in the country and say that they wouldn't know how to be in a relationship with someone 5-10-15 years older than them. Like Caliguy says....it's a state of mind.

 

Do I think I'd have a better shot with someone my own age and similar experiences...sure! Would I refuse to got out on a date with a 20 year old again? No not at all. Based on our phone and email conversations she seemed totally fine an mature enough to have at minimum a first date. It didn't work out....but that isn't necessarily because she's 20.

 

My last girlfriend has a lot of the same problems this young woman has and she's 29. Just as clingy. The difference is that I didn't cut it off until way too late.

 

IT's a learning experience...

[Star Gazer]

 

Star Gazer, experience and age don't always coincide. I've dated 30 year olds that act like they are 17 and 24 year olds that are VERY mature for their age. In fact, the 24 year old (had there been mutual interest) I would have liked to pursue a relationship with as I thought she was right on the money as far as what I look for in a potential LTR and a woman as a whole.

 

My point is, it doesn't matter the age as much as it matters the state of mind. Experience doesn't always do it (how many 37 year olds with 2 kids have you seen that STILL act like they are 16?! I know plenty!). Maturity is a state of mind, not a number and not always based on experience.

 

I agree with you to the extent that a 37 year old can still act like a child BECAUSE s/he hasn't had the experience and wherewithall to become mature. However, if you are young, the fact of the matter is that you are highly unlikely to have experienced enough "life" to be on the same page as someone who is significantly older.

 

If the older person is questioning the age difference in the first place, that suggests to me that they are a person who IS more mature than the significantly younger person....

[CaliGuy]

I agree with you to the extent that a 37 year old can still act like a child BECAUSE s/he hasn't had the experience and wherewithall to become mature. However, if you are young, the fact of the matter is that you are highly unlikely to have experienced enough "life" to be on the same page as someone who is significantly older.

 

If the older person is questioning the age difference in the first place, that suggests to me that they are a person who IS more mature than the significantly younger person....

 

I'm not suggesting that all or most younger people have that level of maturity. On the contrary, I think it's rare to find a 20 year old that thinks and acts on the level of a 32 year old.

 

What I am saying is it's possible and not based on experience alone. Experience helps a lot but that still doesn't mean they learn from and use that experience in the future. Some people make the same mistakes over and over which stunts their emotional and intellectual growth.

 

Cheers.

[scrybe74]

well, obviously, my bovine loving friend, she got waaaaaaayyyyyy too attached way to soon! This is totally inappropriate and says something about her maturity. I still think some is due to the disability, whatever it is. I cant help but wonder if she assumes its because of that since you got on so well before you laid eyes on her. I cant help but also wonder if this is not the first time she's been through this.

 

Regardless, you did the right thing. She seems a bit unstable and you do not need to be her rescuer. Ending this "relationship" or lack thereof was a wise move. I am sure that your good looks (moo!) and charming personality seemed to be a treat she could never live without and this is probably a common thing for you...... but hooray to you for figuring it out before your kids got really involved. And in the future, I dont recommend meeting the kiddies until much, much later! For obvious reasons.

 

You need to learn to put your own brakes on in the very beginning. Slow down and play a little hard to get! If you keep rushing things you will wind up with a woman like in that video who likes to kick - and it sounds like you almost did!

 

Yes....that's never happened before with my son. He's only seen me be affectionate with one person and we were in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Anyone before or after they either never met him or if they did they were introduced as a friend and we showed no affection to each other.

 

I totally crossed that line with that and I regret it. I can't let that happen again. Sometimes I'm on the ball and sometimes I'm not. But usually I got it down.

 

And yes...cows are sexy.....everyone knows this but few have the courage to admit it. Especially cute little kitties like yourself.

 

-Meow + Moo = Meooooooooo

 

[Green]

I dont think its a good idea but then again I wouldnt be alive right now had it not been for my mother marying a much older man