intopieces Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hello everyone, im new and this is my first time doing this. Im 23 years old and out of school and have never had a serious relationship before. Ive had relationships but nothing that i thought would be my life. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a man came into my life and swept me off my feet. He was perisistent and fierce. He called every night and just talked and let me talk. Every morning when i would wake up he there was a good morning message on my phone. I live on the east and he lives on the west but he assured me that distance was no problem. And he was so charismatic and charming that I fell for it. Everything the man said was perfect and made me feel like ive never felt. We would sleep on the phone together on a nightly basis and we would frequently engage in phone sex. it ws like we were living together. He started talking about all of these plans that he wanted to make with me including marriage and kids. Distance was becoming frustrating so he had a grand idea of us both packing up and going to grad school in a city that was between us. Everything was going great. We laughed together, cried together, and shared everything together. He would occassionally talk about his past relationships and took all of the blame for them not working. He would say in the past he was a commitment phobic but he worked thos issues out and blah blah blah. Being new to things I knew those were red flags but i believed he could change. Over Thanksgiving we met up in a mutual cit for the very first time after being "together" for three months. It was incredible. He wined me, dined me (even though neither of us makes that much money LOL) and the sex was incredible (Although I was disturbed because we did have a sexual encounter and he was on the phone with his mother the entire time and didnt break concentration on either and the ex was still great..seemed like something very suspicious to me) to wrap this all up....the last day of the trip he tells me that he's still somewhat of a commitment phobic but hes workign it out and we're still together. 2 days after the trip...he suggest we slow down.....5 days late...he suggest that i try and date around to make sure he's the last man i want to be with....7 days later..he cant commit and the distance is to much , he really enjoyed being with me but doesnt want to burden me with his issues *hangs up the phone*. there was no remorse on his end, in fact he sounded like he believed he was doing me a favor. When i tried to express my confusion and hurt he simply tells me that he already explained it and he cant talk about it because he doesnt know what else to say. I sent him an email desribing my feelings in a nice way...he called me and told me he got the email.....and then started talking about he had a date lined p for the evening. So I'm hurt, confused, afraid, humiliated, and embarrassed. What's even worse is that i still ahve love for this man and am praying that its only a phase or a test or something and that tonight or tomorrow he'll call me back and apologize and things will go back to normal. I don't know what to do.
Spinderella Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 He is still a commitment phobe. Long distance relationships, conducted mainly on the phone are easy. Alot of cp's are charming and work hard to woo the object of their affections. The part abut being on the phone to his mother is very strange, I'm not sure what to make of that. Just allow yourself to adjust to not having somebody there to talk to every night. We invest so much of our hopes into relationships, and it is hard when those hopes are taken away to adjust, but, it is the wrong time to be making any decisions on this. Allow yourself to adjust first, and then you will see that he is not the type of man you need in your life.
Krytellan Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I'm not so sure he's a commitment phobe. I think he's more of a predator on a mission to conquer vulnerable women and leave. I'm sorry you experienced this Intopieces, but I think you have just been introduced into the world of dating and the mind of a bastard. Better luck in the future dear.
D-Lish Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 One thing I've learned in my dating experiences is that if a guy comes on too strong too fast~ tends to say all the right things, brings up future plans early on.... that he is a player. A player, a CP, a predator.... whatever you want to label him. These men are bad news. I know this from experience as well. He's not going to change, he's not going to ever make a real commitment, and he's never going to be able to give himself to someone in a meaningful way. Those are his issues, not yours. Don't make his issues your own. Because his vanishing act has nothing to do with you. It's going to be hard to do, but you need to cut him off completely and move on. I understand it's hard to accept that this person who was so sweet and caring can turn into this unfeeling jerk that is walking away. I'm sure you're just waiting for that "sweet guy" to resurface, convincing yourself that he's in there somewhere. The truth is that the man he really is, at the heart of it all, is the cold, detached man who is walking away. The sweet understanding guy is just a facade. Girl, he has a whole host of problems that have nothing to do with you. Don't internalize his rejection as your loss... He truly has done you a favour by walking away. I've dealt with these kind of men in the past- so now, I spot them so quickly and I cut them loose right away. You're going to be okay. Be thankful you didn't get more heavily involved! Imagine if you had picked up and moved to be with him and then found out his true colours? He feels no remorse, nor is he capable of feeling real love. I'm sorry you're hurt, but I want you to understand that his actions have nothing to do with you. So don't take on his rejection as an excuse to blame yourself for anything. He is who he is and he won't change. Please, cut off contact with him and don't look back. he's not worth your time or energy. You deserve better. D
norajane Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I was disturbed because we did have a sexual encounter and he was on the phone with his mother the entire time and didnt break concentration on eitherOh hell no!!! You were right to be disturbed, and he's right that he's done you a favor by breaking up with you - he's a freaky wierdo with creepy mommy issues! A guy who answers the phone during sex, first of all, is a putz. A guy who talks to his mother while having sex is a creepy psycho. Maybe that's why he's a CP, or a player, or a predator, or whatever the f*ck he is. Rejoice that you found out sooner rather than later, and celebrate that you never, ever have to deal with this creepy guy anymore!!!
jerbear Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Sounds like after the physical meeting, he lost interests. In LDRs, pictures and phone calls only go so far. The critical first meeting is great but after the first meeting things can change. The parties may see more of each other or contact just drops off. (Although I was disturbed because we did have a sexual encounter and he was on the phone with his mother the entire time and didnt break concentration on either and the ex was still great..seemed like something very suspicious to me) Being a guy, not many things would make me answer the phone especially during sex. Talking to mom while doing the deed is just wrong!
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