He gave me an ultimatum...

[Angelicis]

(I posted this also in the breaking up forum...but I want to get advice from the long-distance posters also)

 

Well, I've posted on here before about being in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. I had though it was going decently well up until now...just with the normal bumps along the way. However, this past weekend he seems to have completely changed into a different person. What happened was that I was drinking with my friends one night (who are also his close friends also), and I ended up falling asleep on one of my friends' bed. A guy was sleeping on the couch, two other guys were sleeping in the other room, and I was sleeping in this room with a guy also. This particular guy I think had some bad history with my boyfriend...because my boyfriend always gets upset when I hang out with him...so I guess I wasn't too surprised that he was pissed off when I told him we ended up sleeping in the same bed (even though nothing happened). I told him online because I didn't think I should have to hide something like this from him...and that even if he was initially pissed off, he would understand that nothing happened.

 

Well, he broke up with me right then and there saying "it's over" "we're done". I thought he was overreacting so I just hoped that he would cool down after awhile. Two days later I was able to talk to him again when he got back (he was flying back to the states from a vacation). He avoided me and ignored me all day saying he was busy and he didn't want to talk. When we finally talked he said that he didn't care that nothing happened, the fact is I slept on his bed. When I said "nothing happened" he said "yeah right". After he ignored me a little longer, he texted me and said "call me right now". I called him to be greeted by a "hi ho, what do you want ho?" No matter what I said during the conversation, he kept saying "I don't CAAAAARE" and told me to stop making up excuses. He said that I have so many guy friends because I just want the attention...and he called me a drug addict (even though this was the first time I've drank in like, a month). He said I was weak for not being able to walk home since I lived in the next building down, but I said that it wasn't like I planned on falling asleep there it just happened. The whole conversation was just me trying to convince him nothing happened and that this wasn't a big deal....and him saying he doesn't care and that it happened, so it's over between us.

 

His attitude and tone of voice during this conversation was nothing like I've ever heard him before. He sounded completely different...cold and harsh and uncaring. I finally asked him if there was anything I could do to prove to him how much I wish this hadn't happened and for him to forgive me. He answered bluntly with a "yeah, have a threesome." I was shocked and asked him how that was relevant or even equal to what I had done...he said it wasn't but that's the way it is. The thing is, we've talked about a threesome before...and I kinda said I might want to do it, and then changed my mind later and said I wouldn't be comfortable doing it. So he knew I didn't really want to do it.

 

I have a feeling that this situation will not end well...but I need some insight and advice as to what to do.

[Moose]

The whole conversation was just me trying to convince him nothing happened and that this wasn't a big deal....

It IS a big deal....it's a HUGE deal. That's the whole point....BUT...:

I finally asked him if there was anything I could do to prove to him how much I wish this hadn't happened and for him to forgive me. He answered bluntly with a "yeah, have a threesome."

This is totally immature, what? He wants his cake and eat it too?

 

It sounds like to me he has some insecurity issues. Granted, sleeping in bed with another guy, (WHETHER OR NOT ANYTHING HAPPENED), is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE if you're in a committed relationship.

 

This threesome thing though is the icing on the cake. This is going to hang over your head for some time, and he'll always have some resentment over it.

 

I'd say it's over between you two. If not now, in the VERY near future.....

[InsanityImpaired]

If I would not know a thing about it, I would almost think that he cheated on you. Because he responds in a very odd way. What is a LDR without trust?

 

Or he is so intent on having a three-some, that he is guilt-tripping you into having one, and he is using the circumstance as an excuse for obtaining one; but that is not sufficient for him, because the "cheating" is far worse. So he is likely to keep guilt-tripping you in whatever he desires.

 

I'd seriously consider going seperate ways. Guilt-tripping or acting immature are never good things, even moreso in LDRs.

[Angelicis]

Well, what happened at the end was that he just kinda "got over it" towards the middle of the week. He said that I didn't really have to do it...he was just really mad. So, I had thought everything was okay now.

 

What happened yesterday was that I let one of my friends use my computer to play the online video game we all play. Well, my boyfriend makes a lot of racist and mean comments to people online when he plays the game...that includes to some of my friends. My friends don't like him because of that, and speak ill of him. What he's mad at me for now is that I'm still friends with and letting one of the guys who talks **** about him use my computer. He told me that I should be a better girlfriend who stands up for him. So...he gave me the exact same ultimatum.

 

Now I'm just lost and confused. I didn't think letting one of my friends use my computer was reason enough for him to get so mad at me that he won't talk to me for days. Do I just give in to what he wants, or what do I do?

[InsanityImpaired]

What happened yesterday was that I let one of my friends use my computer to play the online video game we all play. Well, my boyfriend makes a lot of racist and mean comments to people online when he plays the game...that includes to some of my friends.

Why would it be OK for your SO, to demean your friends?

 

What he's mad at me for now is that I'm still friends with and letting one of the guys who talks **** about him use my computer. He told me that I should be a better girlfriend who stands up for him.

Only when he is right, and not when he acts like an immature and or spoiled tantrum-throwing child. Frankly, this case the latter of the two options seems a bit more applicable than the former.

 

So...he gave me the exact same ultimatum.

Reinforcing the idea, that this is just another ploy to get the threesome from you. Are you valued for yourself, as a human being, or as a creature to satisfy his ideas, wishes et cetera?

 

Do I just give in to what he wants, or what do I do?

Do not give in. He is trying to manipulate you in doing what he wants. If you would give in, he will invent more excuses to get what he wants. Because the "offense" is non-existent, in comparison with the ultimatum.

 

Ask yourself however, why you are in a relationship with a guy, who thinks he can get away with racist remarks, can come up with idiotic excuses to demand threesomes and such from you. And whether all this is even worth continuing.

[Angelicis]

As ridiculous as I know it sounds for me to even want to continue in a relationship with him...I can't help how I feel. I keep thinking that maybe he's just moody or something's wrong and he's not acting himself (because I really haven't seen him act like this before this week...) It's been at least two days since he's told me not to call him or talk to him for awhile. I've kept my end of the deal....I haven't initiated any contact with him. The first night though, he IMed me with some snide remark about how my away messages are always trying to get attention from people (I think I had a quote up from Grey's Anatomy about mistakes). Since then we haven't talked...so I don't know if maybe I should make the first move.

 

I know that I shouldn't give into this big deal breaker that he's asking for...especially because I have a feeling I'll regret it forever if I do. And I don't know why he would ask me to do something I wouldn't enjoy...and it kind of makes me wonder if he really cares about me. I'm not saying I would NEVER ever be open to experimenting...but I'm just not comfortable with it right now.

 

I talked to my dad about it and asked him what I should do...and his advice was that in every relationship you will have to compromise. He advised me to write him an e-mail saying that I would be willing to compromise and stop unnecessarily hanging out with certain friends. Then see if he's willing to compromise also. So...I guess I'm thinking about writing an e-mail apologizing again for......I guess...hanging out with my friends...and trying to convince him that I'll stop seeing them (?)

 

It was just very hard to talk to him last time because he kept saying "I don't CAAAAARE" and then he proceeded to embarass me on the phone to his friends that he was hanging out with...telling them how his girlfriend slept on another guy's bed and hangs out with friends that talk **** about him. And "wouldn't you be pissed if your girlfriend did that?!"

[InsanityImpaired]

I talked to my dad about it and asked him what I should do...and his advice was that in every relationship you will have to compromise. He advised me to write him an e-mail saying that I would be willing to compromise and stop unnecessarily hanging out with certain friends. Then see if he's willing to compromise also. So...I guess I'm thinking about writing an e-mail apologizing again for......I guess...hanging out with my friends...and trying to convince him that I'll stop seeing them (?)

 

Go ahead IF you want to put up with this kind of abuse. Seriously. What was your heinous crime? You have a friend who happens to think that being abused (because he is of a different race) is not okay? If he can make such a big issue out of something like that, he can make a big issue out of everything. And it is not exactly that he is asking for an apology of some sorts. But he demands a threesome, or else you are history. After the threesome, what is next? A gangbang? Exhibitionism? BDSM? Rape role-playing? These things may seem ridiculous right now. But once you compromise for a minor thing like that (that he even makes an issue out of you standing up for your abused friend, is a red flag the size of Utah), there is no telling what he will demand.

 

It was just very hard to talk to him last time because he kept saying "I don't CAAAAARE" and then he proceeded to embarass me on the phone to his friends that he was hanging out with...telling them how his girlfriend slept on another guy's bed and hangs out with friends that talk **** about him. And "wouldn't you be pissed if your girlfriend did that?!"

Quite mature behavior. For a 2-year old. Seriously. He makes fun out of you, he deliberately tries to embarass you. He tries to bring you down. He deliberately tries to coerce you into doing things you are totally not comfortable with.

 

No need to compromise, because:

1) your wrongdoing in the first case, bears no relation on the punishment he was considering to give you. That he has some issues with that, I can understand. But to demand a threesome as compensation is a few bridges too far.

2) your wrongdoing in the second case, is probably non-existant. Because he does not know how to behave, does not mean you have to accept that. And compromising on this implies that racist behavior is somewhat okay.

3) the sharing of all this with his friends. Real mature is not it?

4) the childish "I don't care" - not mature either

5) the extortion itself. He knows you are not comfortable with three-somes, yet at the slightest transgression of bf-worship he demands of you to perform a threesome with him.

6) Deliberately embarassing you, the putting you down. That is not what you should seek and find in a relationship.

 

You may think you are in love - but try to think of how your bf actually enhances your life. So far I have not found a single thing. What would you tell a friend, who was in such a situation?

[bab]

Don't do it. Get rid of this guy. He is trying blackmail you into doing something sexual. This is going to end badly for your self-esteem and self-worth. This guy doesn't respect either of those. This isn't a healthy relationship, get out of it. I'm dead serious.

[Angelicis]

Well, after a few days of him not wanting to speak to me....I e-mailed him today telling him that I would be willing to compromise and try not to hang out with the people that were talking **** about him. His point of view is that his joke wasn't really offensive, and that those people joke all the time about the same stuff he does. I guess if I think about it if I was in his situation....I wouldn't feel comfortable if my significant other was really close with people who only said bad things about me.

 

I also said that: Concerning what you want in order to forgive me…I wonder if you’re respecting me as an individual asking me that. Do you honestly want me to go through with that, knowing that I wouldn’t enjoy it and that I would regret it? There doesn’t seem to be much room for compromise with you. I’m not sure this is the kind of relationship I want if I feel like I have to do whatever you say and I’m not allowed to make my own decisions from fear of you getting mad. If you want me to do something to prove that I’m sorry, then I have no objections to doing anything for you that shows you I won’t be friends with them anymore. Of course I would want you to get along with my friends and not fight with each other, but maybe that’s just something that’ll come with time (or will never come at all).

 

He replied that he wasn't really serious about the threesome thing (I'm guessing he just said it cause he was mad...again...). He just wanted me to stop hanging out with them without him having to tell me to. He said it was very simple and common sense. I'm still not sure how I feel about this situation. On one hand I'm relieved that this whole threesome thing wasn't real and that the problem seems to be solved if I just stop hanging out with the people who talk **** about him (they're not really close friends anyway). But I also wonder if this is something I'll regret.

[Guest]

well, i think someone would know that a threesome comment should not be taken seriously, and it shouldn't have been said - i think it was probably more along the lines of this - 'ok, its time for a decision, one way or the other' and u may think he is given u one - but he is really giving himself one. all the other stuff regarding forgiveness, trust, etc. comes afterwards - i would not spend any time on that without first knowing the other person wants to be with me and work things thru [that stuff is not so hard] but waiting around is pointless and destructive. i know what i can do and what i would like - i have reached out with understanding and kindness but with a firm conviction that i can just walk away. so, if someone told u all this after x amount of months, and u either were not sure, or needed more time or did not communicate these things then u have your own answer - one has stepped up to the plate - the other is free to decide their future.

[Sweetness8253]

Angelicis, personally I think you were wrong to start off. He had every right to be angry. How would you feel if he went some where, got completely trashed, and passed out in a bed with another chick? You would be pretty pissed off too. Especially if it was some chick you really didn't like in the first place. I am not trying to be mean, but you shouldn't be playing the "pitty me card" when you were the one that messed up first. Take responsiblity for your actions.

 

You DID do something wrong. Personally, I feel that you shouldn't have even been to a party that was pretty much all guys without your man there. If he didn't want to go, then you shouldn't have gone. Bottum line. The only reason I am responding this way is because you really don't think you did anything wrong. I understand that. I have been there done that. I know exactly what you are going through, but you have to own up to what you did. Whether something happened or not you still slept in the same bed with another man while you were drunk.

 

As far as the threesome thing goes, I think it is immature of him to say that, but he KNOWS you won't do it. He is pretty much telling you that it is over and there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you did have a threesome he would probably have it and then call you a ho and spread it around to everyone like wildfire about what you did. I think you need to just give up on him because there are pleanty of other men out there and take this experience as a lesson learned.

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am just letting you know what I feel about the situation from an outsider standpoint.

[InsanityImpaired]

He replied that he wasn't really serious about the threesome thing (I'm guessing he just said it cause he was mad...again...).

The next time he will be telling you you are a fat cow because you did not wear your make-up. And that it should be obvious that he was referring to that he was referring to the lack of make-up, and not trying to totally destroy your self-esteem.

 

He just wanted me to stop hanging out with them without him having to tell me to.

Excuse.

He said it was very simple and common sense.

No, it is not.

 

On one hand I'm relieved that this whole threesome thing wasn't real and that the problem seems to be solved if I just stop hanging out with the people who talk **** about him (they're not really close friends anyway).

But you are still giving in! You will stop hanging out with friends who do get offended if they get racially abused. Where the quality shines from in your bf is a mystery to me, unless racism is a good thing in your book., and I did not exactly get that impression either.

Well, my boyfriend makes a lot of racist and mean comments to people online when he plays the game...that includes to some of my friends. My friends don't like him because of that, and [[as a consequence]] speak ill of him

I am sorry, but you seem to be dragging yourself down with him, because of him. So why are you caving in to his demands, when he is the one who is doing the wrong?

 

What would you advise a friend who was in this situation? And what would your friends advise you?

[YellowLioness]

In my opinion, it doesn't really sound like either of you are mature enough to handle a LDR.

 

It was silly of you to spend the night in the same bed as another man, if by "silly" I mean "disrespectful."

 

And, to top it all off, he's being a jerk about everything.

 

Even if you stay with him, this relationship will not last. You really should get out now while you have some sense of dignity left.

 

Both of you are at fault, but one of you has to do the sensible thing and break up with the other one. You both do things that make the other uncomfortable. You are both equally manipulative.

 

If you end the relationship, you both could be free to do whatever you wanted to do- he could have as many threesomes as he wanted, and you could be free to have as many male friends as you choose.