puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Gosh, sweetie that must have really hurt! It hurt me and I am not even involved! He is telling you the best way he can that he is not ready to leave his wife, not ready to commit to you, not READY. Wish him the best in your heart. Answering may only lead to more heart ache. Please stay in touch as we will support you. Hugs, kisses and sweet thoughts to you.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I haven't responded and right now I am at a complete loss as to what to do next. I want to talk to him but then I look back at how we have handled this situation every time in the past and I realize that doing so just doesn't get us anywhere. The whole point of our last breakup was for him to be sure about going forward with us. We talked in detail about making sure we were BOTH ready to go forward from there particularly so as to not confuse my 3-year old son who has gotten very attached to him. I am so angry now that I am left to deal with the hurt on my son's face. I won't make that mistake ever again no matter how much I want to be with my boyfriend. Nothing is worth hurting my son. I hate him for being so damn selfish that he couldn't put my son's feeling before his own!! I want to put everything he owns in a big box and mail it to him. I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me somehow. I want to be able to turn off my feelings and move on with my life. I don't want it to be without him but at this point I don't think he'll ever get himself together enough to be 100% for me and my son. I'm so torn and hurt and lost right now.
Art_Critic Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 No new contact = No new hurts You seem to allow yourself to be EASILY sucked back into his drama.. Why ?? Take control over your own life and make a decision that is healthy for you.. Make the breakup permanent and never speak to him again.. lick your wounds and move on. you also seem to be under the impression that he is going to change and go thru with the divorce so he would be with you.. Well.. guess what he isn't going to do it and it won't happen and until you realize this and boot him out of your life you are going to stay messed up and heartbroken. Stop all contact with him.. if not forever how about for at least a month to allow yourself to get back on an even plane again emotionally ??
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I haven't responded and right now I am at a complete loss as to what to do next. I want to talk to him but then I look back at how we have handled this situation every time in the past and I realize that doing so just doesn't get us anywhere. The whole point of our last breakup was for him to be sure about going forward with us. We talked in detail about making sure we were BOTH ready to go forward from there particularly so as to not confuse my 3-year old son who has gotten very attached to him. I am so angry now that I am left to deal with the hurt on my son's face. I won't make that mistake ever again no matter how much I want to be with my boyfriend. Nothing is worth hurting my son. I hate him for being so damn selfish that he couldn't put my son's feeling before his own!! I want to put everything he owns in a big box and mail it to him. I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me somehow. I want to be able to turn off my feelings and move on with my life. I don't want it to be without him but at this point I don't think he'll ever get himself together enough to be 100% for me and my son. I'm so torn and hurt and lost right now. Being that you are torn and hurt and lost right now then just don't do anything at ALL> you don't have the energy and need to rest. Take all the time you need and be with your little boy. Hugs to both of you!
Freedom Now Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Every day that she thinks about this mess is another day that she is wasting. Life is too short. I agree with Art. No contact = No new hurts
oyster Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 He's being honest and saying he's not ready to move forward with you because he is still dealing with the dissolution of his marriage. He can't be with you in the way you want - emotionally and mentally - and he understands that you can't be with him under those circumstances. He accepts that you need to be away from him, he gets it that's the best thing for you. He needs to do his own grieving, mourning, and healing, and he envisions at that point that he would want you in his life, but he doesn't expect you to wait for him, even though he hopes you'll be available when he's ready. geez this is so typical, that is why we OM/OW deserve better and have to walk away for our own sanity.
Jane Doe Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 This guy has strung you along all this time and now he's doing it yet again. It's all just smoke and mirrors. Empty words. I have no doubt you'll fall for it and give him more time. What a sad waste of your life.
NoIDidn't Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 BK, Don't send him back his stuff just yet. This man is in agony, but you are not the answer to his pain. He isn't over his W yet. He hasn't emotionally separated from her and the life they had, yet. Not saying that it won't happen. But it takes time for a man to be ready to move into a new relationship. At least 2 years. If you want a future with him, this is what you have to work with. I say, don't call. Don't email. Don't respond emotionally. If you want to respond, a simple "thanks for understanding where I am coming from" will suffice. The two of you will end up hurting each other so much that there will not be a chance for a relationship in the future if you keep going back and forth. Resentment is nothing to play with. It hurts right now. But think of the good times. The things you learned about yourself. The things you definitely know you want out of a relationship in the future. And then......cry. Let it all out. Its okay for YOU to grieve too. You don't have to be anything to him right now. He is a grown man and is going to have to pull himself up without you being his crutch. Sorry for your pain.
kymberann Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I agree, don't do anything just yet. Rash decisions right now only create further heart ache when you have come so far. Problems don't have to be solved over night. Let him have his space without anyone influencing him. You need your space to mourn and grieve and get your own energy back. Thinking you have to do something will only make you feel worse! In time you will get the comfort and solace that you deserve! Hang in there Best
GreenEyedLady Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 BK: I agree that you should take some time...that said, it's your call... I AM Divorced and I know what it feels like to go through the whole process...and I think he has been painfully honest here...no smoke and mirrors...Divorce is not easy, the process is not easy or fun and it takes everything out of you...no matter how much you want it, it is so SCARY when you actually do it... Of course you shouldn't have to wait or put yourself on the line and you deserve better...My thoughts are with you...GEL
Author Baileykeg Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Well...good or bad....we spent the weekend together talking about where we go from here. Neither one of us wants to leave the other and we obviously are both terribly weak at leaving the other alone. He says that when he is with me he is happy and that when I am not there that he becomes sad and the doubts creep in. He wonders whether the doubts are merely him feeling lonely and frustrated that we are logistically (2 hours) apart from each other. He's told me over and over that he feels his relationship with W just won't work. There has been too much damage and he feels they are just too different and it would just be too much "work" to try to make the relationship work. He says he's not physically attracted to her anymore (they haven't had sex in 3 years). Given all of that I just don't understand why he is having "doubts" about filing for divorce. He says that W and I are night and day and that whichever direction he went in his life would be completely different. With me he feels things would be easy, relaxed and that we would be happy. He wants us to have a big family. With her it would be tense and a constant effort to make her feel loved because, as he has said during their marriage, part of the problem was that nothing he did was ever enough to show her that he loved her. It was always work he says. Every time he and I get to this point and we try to figure out a way to get through it...whether that's taking time apart, setting a deadline, whatever...we ultimately get to this same point where he comes back to me and tells me that I am what he wants and that he wants a future with me but when the time comes to actually file he panics and says he has doubts. I'm just at a loss what to do. I love him and I do believe that we could have a happy future together. I've believed in him in the things he's told me about how he wants to end his marriage and be with me. I just don't understand why the panic every time he goes to file? He says he feels guilty for hurting her and he feels like a failure because the relationship didn't work. What is it going to take for him to get past those feelings? I've asked him over and over if he wants to go back to her and he always says no. Now that we are where we are today he's just telling me that he's completely confused and doesn't know what he wants at all. How do you go from being certain to being so confused? We've taken time apart twice now for him to clear his head and decide where he wants his life to go. Each time he comes back to me and tells me he wants a future and is ready to end his marriage. I just don't understand why the "doubts" and what, if anything, I can do at this point. We've come up with a plan that we agreed would be a fair compromise at this point. He's worried and feels bad about serving the W with divorce papers right before Christmas. I understand that is a bit painful and somewhat heartless. So, we agreed that he would at least file the paperwork by Dec. 22 and then have her served in early January. He feels like that will push him to get past his "doubts" by at least taking a step in the direction of ending the marriage. We agreed that if he is not able to serve her in January then it will be clear that he just isn't ready to truly walk away from her and that our relationship will have to end. So, what do you guys think? Bring it on.....
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I understand his uncertainty and fear, but when I filed, there was no turning back...He probably feels similarly and needs to make sure that it is the right thing to do... It is certainly up to you whether you want to stand by him now or not...you have every right to say "see ya" after everything that he has put you through... If you think that January is a good compromise, then stick with it...and if he doesn't file then, you need to walk... And you know what? I don't think that "YOU" have anything to do with his doubts...divorce is just a big thing...yes people do it all the time, but when it happens to you, it's like the world that you know is ending...all the dreams that you had about M and family are forever changed...and it affects both families, not just the M couple... I think that there'd be a bigger problem if he was laissez-faire about getting a divorce... I know that this is killing you though, and you are in my thoughts...we're here for you...
movinon05 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I can't tell you how many times my exMM promised he was leaving. He said all those things to me that your MM said to you. In the end, I think he just couldn't leave his comfort zone. You've given him a few more weeks. If that's what you need to do, then do so. But be prepared to draw the line when that time comes. You have to start thinking of yourself. Best of luck.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Thanks GreenEyed. I'm am so torn about all of this. Part of me felt like today when I left that it was the last time we would see each other. I told him how I felt and he said that we would see each other again and that this wasn't goodbye. He said he just needs to figure out what he wants for his life. I'm just so confused in why he keeps "figuring it out" and then going backwards saying that he has "doubts". When we talked this weekend I asked if this December/January plan that we have wasn't just nothing more than an excuse for him to drag things out. It seems to me if he's so "confused" right now then how is he going to be clear in a few weeks. It doesn't make sense for us to try to continue to see each other and try to act like everything is normal when behind the scenes he's trying to decide if we have a future together. Seems kind of pointless to me yet on the other hand I don't know how to walk away from him. I go back and forth. I asked him tonight what was going to help him make his decision....was it time away from me? He says he just doesn't know anymore and that he doesn't want to mislead me by saying one thing and then going back on it like he has done in the past. My response to that was "well I'll just leave you alone". He said it sounded like I was walking away. I told him that I just don't know how to handle this anymore and that I felt like us spending time together was pointless. I told him that I need to know that he is spending time with me because he wants to be with me. I told him that I feel like he is pushing me away. He says that he understands and is very sorry that all of this is so hard on me. We ended our conversation with me telling him that I'm just going to leave him alone and if he figures things out to give me a call. I'm not sure where that leaves us and whether or not we're still proceeding with "the plan". I'm so tired of taking two steps ahead and 10 steps back. Was I wrong to end the call the way I did?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 No you were not wrong to end the call that way...but then you have to stick with it...You have every right to feel the way that you are feeling...And he should not mislead you...
frannie Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 He says he feels guilty for hurting her and he feels like a failure because the relationship didn't work... I think those are two enormous hurdles he has to get over. Don't underestimate them. It may be that it's easier for him not to deal with them (not to divorce) than face up to his failure and the fact that he's got to hurt someone and it will be 'his fault'. Some people just can't do that, however much they love and want to be with someone else...
Author Baileykeg Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Thanks Frannie....but where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do here? Continue spending time with him and hoping that one day he will get there? What is it going to take for him to get over those hurdles?
frannie Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Thanks Frannie....but where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do here? Continue spending time with him and hoping that one day he will get there? What is it going to take for him to get over those hurdles? I don't know, BK, I just don't know. I have a feeling I'll be asking myself the same questions come early next year. So if you find an answer, let me know. My MM has said, for the third or fourth time (I've lost count), that he's going to leave. Each time he's said it in the past he's backed out at the last minute. We've been through two periods of NC, and even more break-ups. And I still have no idea what's for the best. Now while it sounds different to me now when he says it, I still don't know whether he will finally be able to get over the 'guilt and failure' thing... will he do what he says he wants to do..? Will I end up having to walk away a final time? Quite possibly. I think that's all I can do, really. That's probably the only answer.
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