Baileykeg Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hey everyone. Sad for me to say that what I thought was the fairytale ending of a very long rollercoaster ride was not true. For those of you not up to speed on my situation I've got lots of posts about the separated MM I've been dating for almost a year. We did the whole back and forth, NC vs. contact, and finally arrived at an agreement to set a deadline for him to file his paperwork. The deadline arrived, he said he was ready to move on with us and file the papers. He went to file and was told by the court that there was a residency requirement of 6 months before he could file. We were only a couple of weeks away from that deadline so I agreed to hang in there. During that time he assured me over and over that he was ready to move forward with us. He introduced me to the rest of the family that I hadn't met yet and we have spent a large amount of time together with both of our families. Everything was "normal" and out in the open. We've had hours of conversations about our future, raising my son together, having more children, getting married, all of the things a normal relationship has. The day came that he could file the papers. I asked if he was going to do it. He said that due to financial reasons he had to wait until he got his next paycheck (which is this Friday) and he assured me that the money was the only holdup. Being that it is two days away from the filing day I asked him today if he was still planning to file. Imagine the gut wrenching feeling I had when the response to my question was met with silence. Then I get a "well I'm having a hard time and I'm just not sure". What???? I feel like I'm living in a bad movie. This is not at all what I thought I would hear as I felt like we had moved beyond all of the "uncertainty". He says he doesn't know what it is that he is feeling and it may be just that he is having a hard time letting go now that the day is finally (almost) here to file. She came a few weeks ago and got the majority of her stuff that was left at his house. She also said that she wanted them to file something like a post-nuptual saying that they weren't responsible for each other's debt. I took all of this as a sign that we really were going to be able to move forward. I told him that I was done with this. I said that I just couldn't do this back and forth anymore and that I resented him greatly for leading me on. He says that he never intended to do so. I am so hurt, angry and lost right now. I don't know what the next step is for me. I ended my conversation with him today by saying that I couldn't do this anymore, that I hoped the two of them had a nice Christmas and that I didn't intend to get into all of the phone calls and long emails about our relationship like we had done in the past. I wished him well, said goodbye and hung up. I know a great deal of my ability to do that was because I am so angry and that those feeling are going to give way to me wanting to talk to him. What do I do now? Where do I go from here???? How could he not be sure about what he wants after ALL that we have been through?
peacelove Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Baileykeg, I wish you could just hold on to that anger you're feeling. That would what gets you thru this terrible time. Not that I want you to be angered forever, but that anger will enable you to put him out of your mind. But like you said, they usually give way to feelings of wanting him back. You can come here & just keep talking to us who can offer "support". Hang in there!!
noforgiveness Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I'm sorry. This has to be rough. You are not stupid. It's him. He's broken. That's why he was with 2 women. You thought it was over you thought you had a normal relationship and then you stuck to your guns and kept your self respect. He has to figure himself out. He needs a lot of time and space.
pureinheart Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hey Bailykeg... What can I say, my heart goes out to you! I really thought exMM was for real, the problem was I wasn't being real with the truth. Our relationship was founded on a lie....sure he/me may have had feelings for each other, but the fact remains the foundation was deception. I began to see the procrastination, and also began to wonder why I wanted this man at all????? They know how to play us and they know how we tick and what we want out of life. If they really wanted us they would have made plans in the beginning....actually we don't know how lucky we are...for me, I would have inherited all of his mess.....I feel grateful for my outcome, and know God has sparred me from the biggest mistake of my life to date.... GBU!!!!!!!
kymberann Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hi Baily, I do remember following yor story. I am glad you came back and gave us an update. There is no stupidity on your part. You knew you limit and you stuck to it. you had to do what you needed to do to protect yourself. NF is right, he is the broken one. The one that strung you along. Now it is up to you to remain constant and do what you say you are going to do. Plus you will be filled with tons of different emotions as you heal and recover. Just remember you are the stronger one for doing what you did! We are here for you! Best
NearlyThere Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 about what has happened. I first started to read your threads when I first started to come on here so no you are not stupid at all. Like Peacelove has said try and use that anger to get over these first few days/weeks and use its momentum to move you on and over this horrible and upsetting time for you. I am currently using mine to try and move me forward as well possibly with a different goal in mind. I have been writing a letter for the past week to the MM i've been seeing, amending it and adding to it every day, how I feel, what I think etc, not that i've got any intention of sending it. Ive just found it therapeutic. I cant tell you what your MM was thinking and why he has suddenly got cold feet, only he really knows, however it sounds like he's not too sure either. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do as only you can know what you feel you are up to doing at this moment in time. The only thing I would say is he sounds like he needs some time to think and clarify his thoughts, you should use this time to decided what YOU want to do as well. I seem to remember you did really well with your NC before your deadline so I know you can hang on in there when neccessary. I've come on here whinged as well as being mardy and stroppy, (see thread about OW and spelling about these words, might make you smile a bit). People have said kind things, things to make me laugh, things to make me smile, words to songs that make me cry but this is from people who are in some ways strangers, who have helped me more than people I know. So come on here and has been said, share if you want and we will listen, shout and we will hear, cry and we will comfort, if you say you want tough talk then that can be done. I seem to remember a post on here saying "I need Old Europe to slap me around". I was surprised when I saw that as I had only just started coming on here but its funny cos you know when you need that kind of talk. Whatever you want there are people on here for YOU. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can be strong.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 He says that he never intended to do so. Believe that then. He just isn't capable of making a choice, and for him the easier choice IS to stay with his wife instead of starting all over again. I am sorry that you're in pain. Put yourself first, and heal. Surround yourself with friends and family, get support from therapy too if need be.
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 What do I do now? Where do I go from here???? I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling.. You start by keep your focus.. Make sure that you put him into your recycle bin and file him under your past history that you learned a great deal from. Keep posting..and keep coming back...
merrygoround Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I have been reading these forums for a month now. I just registered so that I could reply to your posting. My situation, as well, seemed like it was going to be the fairy tale ending. After several YEARS of seeing a MM, mine got so far as giving me an engagement ring and FILING for a divorce. Yes, I have file-stamped copies of a petition for divorce. But, alas, the latest is that he does not want to push the W into a settlement and he needs time to prepare the house to be sold, AND the W has asked him to wait until she becomes a naturalized citizen. And when I push, he says that he just doesn't know now if he wants to "jump from one marriage to another." So... I'm collecting my Christmas present, having my stand-in date for the holiday parties and generally keeping the peace until after the new year. I figure its my turn to be selfish. In the mean time, I'm lining up a counselor and stocking my arsenal to go NC after the new year (which includes a daily reality check on this site). All I can say, is that it DOES happen. You get SO close you can taste it. I have been up and down so many times, and this time, I was at the highest I could have been when he kicked the stool from underneath me. I'm just hoping the rope around my neck is long enough that I land on my feet. Try to STAY angry for a while. Then you will become indifferent. You definitely deserve better!! Good luck to you. Every OW's success in NC on here gives me hope!
Freedom Now Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I am sorry for your pain Bailey, but now you need to go NC, NC, NC. Enough is enough. Stop the nonsense and the pain. You will grieve, but use that anger to propel you out of this mess. He will come find you if he ever makes up his mind. Until then, go on with your life. Don't waste any more time with this mess. Cry, pray, meditate. Do whatever to get through, but know that there are those who have walked in your shoes who made it to the other side. Hold on to that hope. You WILL make it but you need to stop the pain. Hang in there. The best is yet to come for you.
Catharsis Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Baileykeg and others - don't put your life on hold anymore for "broken men" (I like that term). Don't let them hold you back from meeting a REAL MAN, not some wishy-washy indecisive whimp. Once you realize how weak these guys really are, I would lose all respect for them. You can do it! There are bigger and better things out there for you! Stay strong, and I wish everybody the best!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 BK: I'm not sure what to say, so I'll just say that I'm sorry...GEL
PoshPrincess Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Baileykeg and others - don't put your life on hold anymore for "broken men" (I like that term). Don't let them hold you back from meeting a REAL MAN, not some wishy-washy indecisive whimp. Once you realize how weak these guys really are, I would lose all respect for them. You can do it! There are bigger and better things out there for you! So true! They ARE weak and pathetic. Probably how they got involved in EMAs in the first place! Unfortunately it appears to be rare that despite proclaiming their undying love for us (and all the BS that comes with it) they just don't have the courage of their convictions! Bailey, I can't believe this has happened to you. Everything sounded so positive before. I can't imagine how much you are hurting and it only makes me more grateful that my R ended with MM when it did. Not that that is any comfort to you, of course! It makes me SO mad thinking about the way your MM is treating you now! I have moved on myself and now have a lovely BF with no baggage. Yes, I still think of MM a lot and still have feelings for him but I know they are wasted. I have spoken to him on occasions but it's pointless and getting us both nowhere. I at least have got to the stage where I don't see that us staying friends is going to achieve ANYTHING, other than for me to hang on to the past and for it all to f**k with my head and get in the way of my new R which I don't want. I really hope you can do NC this time and stay strong. It is SO hard I know, in fact, as others have said, we ALL us OW at LS know that, so you can come here, shout, scream, cry, whatever, and we will all understand your pain and be here for you 100%. Thinking of you.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks to all of you who have replied with your words of support. I'm still just numb about all of this. I'm angry, confused, embarassed and just feel completely at a loss right now. He didn't call last night which I'm not sure that I even expected him to. I know this isn't about him wanting to go back to the W. He said yesterday that he knows when he realistically looks at the two relationships that "hands down, I win". Well...la de friggin da!!! I missed the part where this was a contest!! I wanted to tell him right there where to stick it. I've never been so angry at him. When we got back together after our NC and deadline for him to decide where he was going to end his marriage he spent hours telling me how much he wanted our relationship, that he knew it was what was going to make him happy and that the time he had spent with me had been the happiest he had ever been in his life with anyone. All along....HE is the one that brought up a future. HE is the one that asked where I would like to get married and when next year we should do it. HE is the one that asked how I felt about having more children and if I was going to be ok with the fact that we wouldn't be married for long before we started to try. I never initiated any of these conversations. Yes, it's all what I wanted to hear but I guess what I'm trying to show you is that HE is the one that kept bringing all of this stuff up. We even had a conversation recently that I thought he was getting a little ahead of himself with our future plans and he agreed. He said that he was just so happy and excited about our future. I am at such a loss here. I feel like someone said earlier "that the stool has been kicked out from under me". I haven't cried yet because I really don't know what I have to cry about. Is it over? I don't know. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern and I don't know how long that is going to last...an hour...a week? I don't even know. What is he thinking? What will he do? Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to file. I'll be in a class all day tomorrow and will have no access to email or phone. Perhaps that is a good thing. What happens if I don't hear from him by 5:00 when the courts close tomorrow? Then what? Is that when reality will hit and I will fall apart? Is he going to call me again? Surely after everything we have been through and the way we feel about each other that this isn't really the end??? What am I supposed to say to our families and our friends? I can only hold off with an explanation for a few more days. What do I say...umm...yes, yes, I know we broke up again...just like we were in high school. I feel like now that we have been through this cycle so many times that I just can't go to my friends and family being upset again because they are just tired of hearing it and I'm sure they think that we'll just be back together in a few days so the tears aren't worth consoling. I'm so sad.
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I am so very sorry about your situation--it seems very cruel and I understand how hard this must be for you to bear. I It is very brave of you to come back and let everyone know about this happening. I hope you continue to post so you have some support especially over the holidays. I wish you peace in your heart! ~This is just a comment--something I've been thinking about and NOT about any judgement of or directed to your particular situation: it seems w/ men being men; that once they decide that their marriage is truly over (and even w/ someone who has been by their side providing emotional support, physical comfort, adoring love etc.) that they may decide that their sudden "freedom" is advantageous. They may see themselves as a SINGLE guy once more and want to embrace the single lifestyle. It would seem that might be exciting to someone having been in a difficult marriage and having so much drama connected. He may want things to be simple again and just have un-fettered fun...w/o emotional attachment. ~
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 OK, after reading all of the posts here, it looks like I'm about to go completely against the grain. I agree completely that this isn't about the wife. It is however about and ending of an important part of his life. I cannot imagine what he might be feeling right now. I had a discussion with a friend just yesterday about identity and how being a BS was not only about lost love and all of the feelings that came with that, I also lost my identity, what motivated me. My WH's identity mostly comes from his job and status in the community. This man is greiving the loss of what he has worked for. I believe that if you love him that this is your chance to show understanding and unconditional love. At this point, what do you have to loose. I'm sorry for what you are going for, but it seems to me that the two of you are in very different places. You are/were attaining what you have so desparately wanted which is cause for celebration, he unfortunately needs to greive and close before he can celebrate. You are getting your first real chance to show "real love". If you truly believe in everthing he has told you- then you have a chance to seal the deal, with compassion. Good Luck and I'm sorry for your hurt.
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 "OK, after reading all of the posts here, it looks like I'm about to go completely against the grain." I think it's great that you did this because every side should be considered and it should be appreciated that folks are so kind as to consider things for us in an objective manner.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 I appreciate that he is going through something difficult in ending a chapter of his life. I have been above and beyond supportive and understanding for him throughout this entire process. We've had our ups and downs and done the best we could to maintain our relationship while he dealt with his feelings of loss, failure, etc. in ending his marriage. Throughout all of the ups and downs we have both said that our love is very special and that we have been given a truly special gift that has had the ability to endure through such a difficult time. Most relationships wouldn't have lasted. My problem and where my anger comes in is in the fact that after our last period of time when we took time apart for him to be CERTAIN about whether or not he wanted to end his marriage and move on with his life. We took that time apart not with the understanding that once it was over that we would just get back together and move forward. We both agreed that he needed to do what was going to be best for him...whether that was going back to W, coming back to me or moving on with his life by himself. He came back to me after that time and said I was who he wanted to spend his life with. I was the one who made him happy and that he knew we could build something really special together. I understand what the last poster was trying to say in that I should be sympathetic to the fact that he is going through an emotionally difficult time. I've tried to do that. When we got back together he assured me that there were going to be no more of these "spells" of uncertainty for him and that he was ready to end his marriage. Now, I am slapped in the face again with yet another one of these "spells". How much more understanding am I supposed to be here? Am I supposed to continue to be understanding to the point that it's going to be ok for him to leave me standing at the alter because he was having another "spell"??? How much more am I supposed to take? I have put (and allowed) my feeling to be put third in this relationship for a very long time. Behind hers and then his. Now it's time for me to step up and put an end to this bulls**t. I am hurt that he would do this to me again after assuring me that those times were behind us. Don't get me wrong here. I still love him very much and want a future with him but at this point it has got to be without her in the picture anymore. If I make him so flippin happy and if he is certain that his relationship with W is dead then what are the cold feet about???
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 BK, As a BS I'm in a much different situation but what I wanted to convey to you was that even after constant lying, A's, abuse, when I went to file for D, even though its what I wanted more than anything in this world, it emotionally put me over the edge. I walked in feeling empowered when I went to sign the papers I fainted and they called the paramedics. I understand your frustration and pain, it's just that everything you have written, and I have read most everyones previous posts just to get their stories, yours doesn't add up to what some others obviously do. He seems to, other than the wavering issue, put his actions with his words. I just don't think that the wavering is about you or her, I believe its grieving. Anyone who has been there knows that that isn't a oneway street, it's more like a circle and just when you think your over one phase it comes back and bites you in the ass, over and over. I wish you luck, and I certainly don't believe you should be used as a door mat but it seems that you've come such a long way to give up now. One other thing that struck me is that you mentioned her collecting the rest of her things. Probably most everyone here has experienced feeling that even when YOU are trying leave it - when someone walks away from you it still hurts. One more thought is that - he may have personal guilt over his decision - and leaving FOR you may be more difficult than he thought. I just know that as hard as the deciding may be, that actually pulling the plug is even more difficult. You talked about enduring alot of hardship for the sake of love and a life together - well, the actuation will be twice as difficult as theororizing about it. How much sympathy/empathy would you give him if he had lost a child - I believe the difference may be that you would have no fear or concerns about how it would affect you so you could give quite freely of yourself. I truly don't know, it's just that when I read your post - I thought - Whoa, I've been where he is (kind of - I had no reason to feel guilty) and no matter how badly you want to end it putting the life YOU worked to build is kind of like killing (part of) yourself. I know you must be so frustrated with back and forth and back and forth, I just believe that that is the nature of the beast. Wishing you the best. IWWH
Author Baileykeg Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 He sent me an email today that said this: [COLOR=black]"I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT A [/COLOR][COLOR=black]LOT[/COLOR][COLOR=black] OF BACK AND FORTH ON THIS, BUT I DO THINK THERE ARE SOME THINGS I NEED YOU TO KNOW. I STARTED RITING YOU YESTERDAY AND THEN DIDN'T SEND IT. I STARTED TO CALL YOU LAST NIGHT, BUT I WANTED TO RESPECT YOUR RIGHT NOT TO TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. I SAT UP UNTIL [/COLOR][COLOR=black]1:00[/COLOR][COLOR=black] WITH YOUR NUMBER DEBATING WHETHER I SHOULD CALL OR NOT. A PART OF ME WANTS TO LET YOU GO BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE, AND I UNDERSTANT THAT YOU CANNOT CONTINUE DOING THIS ANYMORE. BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO KNW WHERE I AM AND WHAT I FEEL, SO HERE IT IS.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I LOVE YOU AND (****). I KNOW HOW INCREDIBLE WE ARE TOGETHER AND CAN BE TOGETHER. WHEN I THINK OF LIFE WITH YOU, I SEE HOW EASY IT COLD BE AND HOW RICH IT COULD BE. THE THOUGHT OF NOT HAVING YOU BOTH IN MY LIFE MAKES ME VERY SAD. IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT IN SO MANY WAYS. THE THOUGHT OF NOT BEING WITH YOU OVER THE HOLIDAYS MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]BUT, I DO HAVE FEELING FOR (THE W) AND THE THOUGHT OF ENDING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FOREVER IS ALSO SAD, AND IT SEEMS EVERY TIME I GET TO THE POINT OF TAKING THE STEPS TO FINALIZE IT I PANIC. IT BECOMES OVERWHELMING. IT IS NOT THAT I FORGOT HOW BAD THINGS GOT OR FORGOT HOW HARD THINGS WOULD BE WITH HER. IT'S NOT THAT I GO RUNNING BACK TO HER BEGGING HER TO COME BACK TO ME. I JUST FEEL LIKE A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. A VERY SAD ONE. FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN SEEING HER AND I HAVEN'T HAD ANY CONVERSATIONS WITH HER THAT ENDED IN I WANT YOU BACK OR I THINK WE CAN WORK THIS OUT. BECAUSE I DON'T, BUT I AM NOT OVER HER.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE HANDLE DIVORCE. I DEFINITELY HAVE DONE A BAD JOB AT IT. I KNOW I HAVE HURT YOU OVER AND OVER, AND I AM SO SORRY FOR DOING THAT. I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU AND YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU. I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DID NOT MEAN TO MISLEAD YOU IN ANY WAY. I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND MOVE US FORWARD TO GET PAST ALL OF THIS PAIN. I THOGHT IF I JUST IGNORED IT AND KEPT PUSHING FORWARD IT WOULD GO AWAY. LOOKING BACK, IT WAS WRONG FOR ME NOT TO TELL YOU WHEN I WAS FEELING UNSURE. I'M SORRY FOR THAT AS WELL.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]YOU HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE. I DO NOT THINK THAT MY FEELINGS ARE DUE TO WHAT YOU'RE NOT OR WHAT WE DON'T HAVE. I REALLY BELIEVE IT WOULD NOT MATTER WHO I WAS WITH, I WOULD BE FEELING THE SAME WAY. FOR ME THIS IS WHAT DIVORCE IS.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]SO WHERE DOES ALL THAT LEAVE [/COLOR][COLOR=black]US[/COLOR][COLOR=black]? I UNDERSTAND YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS AND NEED TO GIVE UP ON US FOR YOUR OWN SANITY. I THINK I NEED SOME TIME ALONE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT DIRECTION I REALLY WANT MY LIFE TO GO IN. I HAVEN'T BEEN VERY PROUD OF THE PERSON I HAVE BEEN LATELY. I HAVEN'T TAKEN GOOD CARE OF MYSELF PHYSICALLY, I HAVE GOTTEN MYSELF IN A REALLY BAD FINANCIAL POSITION AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST THE PERSON I AM ALONG THE WAY. NOT TO MENTION HOW CARELESS I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS. I NEED TO [/COLOR][COLOR=black]FIND A WAY[/COLOR][COLOR=black] TO PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON. I KNOW YOU CAN'T SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR ME TO GET IT TOGETHER. I DON'T EXPECT THAT. I WISH WE WERE AT A PONT WHRE THINGS WERE NOT SO SERIOUS AND WE COULD BE TOGETHER AND NOT APART. I DON'T WANT TO BE AWAY FROM YOU. I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BUT I KNOW THAT YOU NEED MORE AT THIS POINT THAN WHAT I AM OFFERING YOU. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DO, I AM NOT GIVING UP ON US. I STILL BELIEVE I CAN PULL THIS TOGETHER AND COME BACK TO YOU AND LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE. I BELIEVE WE HAVE STUCK TOGETHER THROUGH THIS YEAR, NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS GOT, BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL. ALTHOUGH, I KNOW THAT I AM NOT PULLING MY WEIGHT RIGHT NOW.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. I HOPE YOUR HAPPINESS IS EVENTUALLY WITH ME, BUT IF YOU FIND THAT HAPPINESS WITH SOMEONE ELSE I WILL BE SAD AND DISAPPOINTED, BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WILL BE HAPPY FOR YOU.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I MISS YOU."[/COLOR] So, after I was able to breathe again after reading it my feelings are mixed. Part of me wonders why he even bothered to send me an email. None of the things he said here are any different than the things he's said 10 times before when we've had these spells. I guess the difference comes in how I have reacted in the past. I always ran to him saying we'd find a way to work it out, that I loved him and we'd find a way to get through this together. This time I'm just so tired of hearing all about how he is hurting. I hurt dammit! So what does he expect me to do here? I can't help but here the violins playing when I read the part about I want you to be happy and if it's not with me I'll be happy...bla, bla bla. Is that just a game? What do I do now?
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 My problem and where my anger comes in is in the fact that after our last period of time when we took time apart for him to be CERTAIN about whether or not he wanted to end his marriage and move on with his life. How much more understanding am I supposed to be here? I am in agreement w/ you on this one. How long can a person continue to use the excuse of being emotionally enept? How long can one expect to be doctored by another? Fact is: he may not be ready for another LTR at this time. Perhaps it's time for some tough love by bowing out and requiring him to stand on his own two feet since you can no longer tolerate how YOU feel. One should not be required to continually "prove" love and support when there is no reciprocation. Period. The detail of the situation becomes less important than its affect. I do agree that grieving is a factor and enabling one who is not facing this or dealing may not be the best choice for either party's well-being. Even in the midst of tragedy one must at some point "get a grip"! Unconditional love may require that one back off and require the other to OWN/ take care of their own feelings. What I would wish would be that BK's partner understand how long SHE has grieved about the all ups and downs as it is HIGH time he did so! He should be the one who is also supporting HER--not just her supporting HIM!!! He has made promises and introduced her to a life he was to give her. He is not proving to be a man of his word and has once again locked her out of his emotional life. Anyone would wonder if such a person would be able to love unconditionally since it takes both partners on a solid ground.
norajane Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 What do I do now? You keep doing what you were doing - getting on with your grieving and mourning, waiting for the worst of the pain to pass, and then getting on with your life. He's being honest and saying he's not ready to move forward with you because he is still dealing with the dissolution of his marriage. He can't be with you in the way you want - emotionally and mentally - and he understands that you can't be with him under those circumstances. He accepts that you need to be away from him, he gets it that's the best thing for you. He needs to do his own grieving, mourning, and healing, and he envisions at that point that he would want you in his life, but he doesn't expect you to wait for him, even though he hopes you'll be available when he's ready.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 The only thing that I know for sure is that this thread should be required reading for anyone considering an affair, no matter how sure they are of the undying love of the OP. I truly feel for both of you. He sounds quite sincere to me. Where he will end up is anyones guess. He is honest that he doesn't know. I also had to catch my breath.
Freedom Now Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Alot of what he has written is stuff my xMM wrote to me. Except for the feelings he has for his wife. The fact is: you need to let him go. He needs time alone and so do you. He IS hurting you with his indecision so you need to take care of yourself. If you are meant to be, you will be. Now is just not the time. Grieve. But, then, pick up the pieces and move on. You OWE that to yourself. He is just too messed up right now to be good for you. And he is being honest. As painful as it is: he is being honest. Take care of you. Hugs to you, my friend FN
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 It is a very emotional letter but if he has said those things before, it just sounds like a broken record... how long can this go on? can he be singing the same tune week after week and then year after year? I still don't understand why he feels like a deer in the headlights if he is truly in love with you? I understand maybe he can grieve for the past and for the future he will never have with his W. But this is absolutely unfair to be leading someone on or stringing someone along while he is *undecided* or *decided but cannot let go for whatever reasons*. You deserve better than someone who is dragging their feet.
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