Wife is cheating...and pregant

[deek]

I would do exactly the same.

 

What I've said we're just my opinions based on what you've written thus far.

 

I don't know the whole situation, (obviously), however, I can tell from what you've said that it's eating at your very soul.

It does pain me deeply...last night, after she left, I was still holding things in...but through the course of today, my emotions overwhelmed me...

 

She is your wife, and you did make a lifetime commitment to her. This only matters to men with high values in my opinion.

And I thought she did the same...which is why I suppose I am questioning everything right now...

 

The attempts of pro-creating together wasn't working between the two of you. Instead of exploring other alternatives, your wife might of decided to explore other avenues.

I'd like to think that, but honestly, I do believe what she said to me...that her getting pregnant was an accident. Granted, she knew that sex with another man, unprotected at that, could lead to this...but I think as time went on, she worried less and less about everything...she had very little fear of getting caught, and she actually talked to her sister a few weeks back about thinking that she miscarriaged. She obviously didn't go into any detail...but I think that scared her...but, when the time came, as she sat in a clinic, seeing a healthy ultrasound, I think she chose the pregnancy over everything else in the world...it didn't help that the OM said he wanted to raise it with her.

 

So, she gets what she wants most in life, for what apparently was of little value to her at this time...our marriage, life and frankly, me. And maybe that is me being naive, but I still believe that she did not intend to just go out and get pregnant...that's still no excuse for anything that she did nor does it help matters in the present.

 

This could be partially your fault, but again, based on what you wrote, it's not easy to tell.

I do take blame...initially. I mean, I was not there for her emotionally, when dealing with our miscarriages. Seeing they were all before the 5th week...I decided to cope with it and move on, whereas she wanted to focus on the loss...and I had trouble emotionally attaching myself to a loss. And after the first, I went into every appointment skeptical and feeling like we would always have bad luck...and we did, even though all tests showed they were "normal" and were recommended to just try again.

 

But, that lack of emotional support is what first pushed her to find it elsewhere...unfortunately, she didn't find it with her family, or with her girlfriends...she took comfort in another man and the emotional bond grew...she knew it was wrong, but she needed it and then let it progress...

 

But during the affair, I did try and initiate rebuilding...but it was always met with pushback...I suppose I shouldn't have been pushed back so easily...

 

I personally, (again, only an opinion), would say that perhaps a trial seperation, with individual/group counceling would be in order.

 

If that's not possible, don't hold yourself accountable in God's or men's eyes for your decision.

Those are my thoughts as well...but, I can't be the only one feeling that way and right now, it seems that she is content with not working on anything and just trying a new life, leaving all the old behind. The problem I have with that, is that I don't think she knows that she could be making an even bigger mistake...something she can't move past...she can't continue to ignore problems until they are out of control and then just redo a new life...

 

But that is me analyzing her and right now, I can't worry about trying to fix her...

 

I have a feeling that you're in the clergy or close to it for some reason.....'deek'?

Heh...no, deek is just a nickname, that's all. I was raised Catholic, but don't practice it. I did go through a phase of finding my spirituality about 10 years ago, zen meditiation mainly...but I ended up being more interested in the intellectual and philosophy of religion, moreso than a practitioner.

[D-Lish]

Deek,

 

Getting a divorce doesn't make someone a failure.

My ex husband "accidentally" got a woman pregnant while we were on a trial seperation. I saw no reason to stay with him after that happened and immediately filed for divorce. Falling out of love or having trouble doesn't make you a failure- it just makes you human.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out, there's no shame in that.

 

 

It sounds like you two were pulling away from one another and had your share of difficulties long before the affair. She went seeking comfort elsewhere, and you just kept hoping that things would get better. That indicates that things were falling apart quite some time ago.... and neither of you chose to make any real effort to change that.

 

The miscarriages probably did some psychological damage. A situation like that can either bring couples closer together or rip them apart.

 

She had no right to have an affair, that's the bottom line.

I think that kind of betrayal is pretty much unforgivable.

[climbergirl]

climb girl how did u find out your sister was not biologicaly his? what did that mean to u?

 

Deek all I got to say is you may not have been the perfect husband but she had no right to cheat on you. I think your to hard on yourself man. I would let her go the mariage ended when she cheated on you. its not like your leaving your wife who has cancer. What ever you do just make sure you see a counsler by yourself for your own well being in these tough times.

 

KMT-

6/2002-a few days after fathers day, my mom got into an argument with my dad and told him. She had restarted the affair with this guy (high school boyfriend) and asked for a divorce. My dad met with all of us (not my mom-she wouldn't show her face) and told us. My sister knew two days before my dad. She (mom) even told my dad's sister before telling my dad.

 

And what it meant to me was this (at the time)..my dad was hurting, and I've always been close to him. It fricken killed me to see him so hurt. But the revelation explained a lot. She doesn't look like any of us in an exteme sense. It turned what I thought to be a normal family into some Jerry Springer show. It sucked, but my dad is happy now--

 

Thanks for asking, KMT.

 

 

 

Deek-the only thing good I can say about your wife is that she told you, and in doing so gives you control in what direction you want to take it(given this info).

 

I wish you the best...you sound like a great guy and deserve a much better situation.

 

And just an FYI-and I reiterate....my dad is in an awesome relationship now, and I believe my mom to be in a very regretful place.

[Krytellan]

What could possibly keep you in this situation. Good lord she is married to you and has to "think" about keeping another man's baby? Seriously?

 

If this is only two years, it is going to get much worse before it gets better. She says the OM has the right to father this child... do you realize how pathetic of a statement that is??? Apparently you dont have the right to fidelity, but the OM had the right to get your wife pregnant and father the child.

 

Dude, get the hell out of there... as far away from her as you possibly can. I have never heard of anything so cruel, selfish, and hurtful in my life. She is a real work of art.

[Krying]

I'm very sorry and sad to hear your tale deek. I know this must be insanely hard for you right now to figure out what to do. If you still love your wife, then you will no doubt be going through hell. However it was her fault. You have to know that. She pushed you away. She did not want to be intimate or have sex with you. She chose to look for that elsewhere and still kept up the charade with you that she didn't want to be intimate.

 

You are not a failure and by ending the marriage, for which I truly believe you should do, you lose no honor in that my friend.

 

The selfishness your wife displayed is simply mind boggling. Yes you can forgive her and carry on, but she has broken the very foundation of marriage itself. She's broken your trust and gotten pregnant by someone else other than her husband. Even if you decide to stay with her, the OM will NEVER be out of the picture ever unless he's the type of person to simply disappear for the rest of your life. So not only would you be raising a child that is not your own, and dealing with your wife who has lied & cheated to you, you also have to deal with the fact your wife at anytime, could leave you for the OM.

 

There is nothing wrong in ending the marriage. You have not failed her, God or yourself.

[Green]

I would definetly leave this marriage. Deek you seem like to nice a guy the way you tell this story, I dont know how you do it. I would be like mye evil wife who I wish breast and vaginal cancer upon as well as the biblical plagues of egypt has cheated on me and gotten pregnant after a year of telling me she didnt want to have sex, and now she says she wants the other man to be the father. cmon man leave this woman before she does something even worse and drives you insane. In the good old days when people didnt get divorced death would probably be doing a woman like this the till death do as part. Your a strong man if I fell in love with a woman married her and in the second year of marriage she didnt give me sex for a year and then told me she had been cheating on me and was pregnant with another mans baby I would probably do some horrible things. Just leave her she was never your wife get the marriage anulled if u can what ever just stop putting urself through this hell there is nothing worse then going after a woman who likes another guy I can imagine...

 

As for climbgirl thanks for sharing and thanks for caring

[HeadlessZebra]

You know, I know your emotions are complicated right now, but the matter is really so simple. There are 1000 reasons to leave and zero reasons to stay. It's just so cut-and-dried. Unlike most relationship situations, this one is dead obvious.

 

Leave her.

 

1) She's a cheat. And only two years into your relationship.

 

2) If you stay, you'll be fathering a baby who isn't yours. The child should not be your responsibility, firstly, and secondly every time you look at him/her you will be reminded of your wife's affair. For the rest of your life. It will make it extremely difficult, if at all possible, to forgive and forget.

 

3) If the child's father stays in your lives, which he should, he's gonna be a piece of bait dangling from a hook in front of your wife for the next eighteen years. He'll be an omnipresence and I won't be surprised at all if she continues to think about him, see him behind your back, or worse yet, one day decides to leave you and form a "real" family with him.

 

There's just no winning here. You either leave or you suffer the long-term repercussions. Just be thankful it happened sooner rather than later, so you can go on with your life after having wasted relatively little time.

 

I am truly sorry for everything you are going through. I can only imagine what it must feel like. But I know your only choice is to nip this in the bud and walk - no, RUN - away.

 

Stop analyzing it to death. For the love of God, do try to shut off your emotions. It's extremely hard, I know, but they're not going to let you think clearly during this difficult time. They will just complicate a simple matter. She does not deserve the emotional chaos you're putting yourself through anyway.

[blind_otter]

Stop analyzing it to death. For the love of God, do try to shut off your emotions. It's extremely hard, I know, but they're not going to let you think clearly during this difficult time. They will just complicate a simple matter. She does not deserve the emotional chaos you're putting yourself through anyway.

 

I'm going to disagree with this advice. After I lost my two babies I tried to shut off my emotions and ended up hurting myself more than I could ever make up for in the process. It was easier in the short term, and harder in the long term.

 

It's better to go through it and deal with the emotions as they come. That leads to a lot more positive consequences in the long term.

 

OP -

I kind of know what your W is going through, I felt similar feelings when I lost my children. I was out of control for a long time.

 

But IMO, because of my experience, I would say a trial separation would be a good idea. You both get time to think and you can sort through your emotions as best you can. In her current state things will just be painful between the two of you.

 

I wish you luck and I will say a prayer - for all of you.

[oyster]

What could possibly keep you in this situation. Good lord she is married to you and has to "think" about keeping another man's baby? Seriously?

 

If this is only two years, it is going to get much worse before it gets better. She says the OM has the right to father this child... do you realize how pathetic of a statement that is??? Apparently you dont have the right to fidelity, but the OM had the right to get your wife pregnant and father the child.

 

Dude, get the hell out of there... as far away from her as you possibly can. I have never heard of anything so cruel, selfish, and hurtful in my life. She is a real work of art.

 

I second this comment, could had not said it better

[che_jesse]

I say to leave her.

 

Yes you love her, but, shes does not love you, she does not want to build a family with you, she wants to get knocked up by the first guy that comes along.

 

Its not like she "slipped up" one drunken night, she has spend literally half your marriage in a lie.

 

Leave her now, let her raise this kid on her own.

[ddnnee]

i can't help but say: PWNT noob!

 

but seriously, leave her... she chose the other guy to carry his seed.

[JaneInVegas]

Okay, I'm probably going to start a big debate here, but I read through most of the posts, and I have some food for thought for ya, Deek.

 

I'm thinking there is a possibility she is not pregnant at all, and is just using this as an excuse. Why?, you ask? Well first of all, obviously it's just a theory. She could be 4 months pregnant with triplets for all I know. But I know how a lot of women operate. It's hard for some to just say, "I want to leave you," ... and then leave. Some women want an excuse to be able to make the cut clean and easy and not up for debate. Do you think it's possible she may have wanted out for awhile now, and avoids confrontations with you like the plague? If this sounds like her, you might want to see if you can find out for sure if she's really pregnant or not.

 

But then again, if my hunch is correct, it must mean she's really wanting out to go to such extremes. Like a lot of other posters have said, it's a no win situation. I think you owe it to yourself to be able to make an *informed* decision before allowing your relationship to end, find out if she really is pregnant. If she's not, perhaps you could pursue trying to work things out.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[deek]

Okay, I'm probably going to start a big debate here, but I read through most of the posts, and I have some food for thought for ya, Deek.

 

I'm thinking there is a possibility she is not pregnant at all, and is just using this as an excuse. Why?, you ask? Well first of all, obviously it's just a theory. She could be 4 months pregnant with triplets for all I know. But I know how a lot of women operate. It's hard for some to just say, "I want to leave you," ... and then leave. Some women want an excuse to be able to make the cut clean and easy and not up for debate. Do you think it's possible she may have wanted out for awhile now, and avoids confrontations with you like the plague? If this sounds like her, you might want to see if you can find out for sure if she's really pregnant or not.

 

But then again, if my hunch is correct, it must mean she's really wanting out to go to such extremes. Like a lot of other posters have said, it's a no win situation. I think you owe it to yourself to be able to make an *informed* decision before allowing your relationship to end, find out if she really is pregnant. If she's not, perhaps you could pursue trying to work things out.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

Wow...that is food for thought. I do agree though, that I do owe myself an informed decision...right now I am just letting my emotions pour through me, as that seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better...at least in a physical sense...otherwise I am just nauseous all the time.

 

And that's the thing...she has been lying for quite some time...and not just to me, but to her family...its definitely worth finding out for sure...that changes the scenario a bit, but it is still an extreme way to deal with anything...

[oyster]

Wow...that is food for thought. I do agree though, that I do owe myself an informed decision...right now I am just letting my emotions pour through me, as that seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better...at least in a physical sense...otherwise I am just nauseous all the time.

 

And that's the thing...she has been lying for quite some time...and not just to me, but to her family...its definitely worth finding out for sure...that changes the scenario a bit, but it is still an extreme way to deal with anything...

the end result is the same, if JaneinVegas theory is accurate, then time will tell.

 

Either way mate, she wants out. Now why hang on?

[moman]

Deek,

 

I don't know what state you are in, but there are a number of states (my home state included) with laws that state (and I paraphrase) "any baby born in a marriage is assumed to be the husbands". Thus, this other prick could run off and leave you saddled with not only raising a child that is not yours and was conceived behind your back, but also with you being legally required to support the child even in the event that your wife leaves you after 1 month and hooks up with some other dude.

 

So just be careful, check the laws, and protect yourself. Your wife sounds selfish to not consider your feelings and has thus given you free reign to not consider hers.

[Ladyjane14]

You're boxing with shadows, Deek.

 

Your marriage hasn't been intimate in over a year. Your wife hasn't been your wife in over a year. Your marriage was over... a year ago. You're only just now finding out about it.

 

While I think it IS important to do the post mortem, so that you have a full understanding of everything that happened... I don't think it's necessary for you to feel guilty like you caused all this.

 

Dude, you didn't even have all the facts. How could you have made better choices when you didn't have all the pertinent data?

 

Please don't beat yourself up and put yourself through all the turmoil of indecision. This thing was already over. Your wife made a unilateral decision on that.

 

You sound like a nice guy.

Why not give yourself some credit for that? Who knows, maybe you'll decide to give yourself the freedom to find somebody who's a little more into you.... somebody who would treat you better.

[CaliGuy]

Not border line at all. It's perfectly fine, (in God's eyes), if the husband decides to go ahead end this matrimony.

 

And that's exactly what I'd do in this situation.......

 

I agree 100%.

[MOMMIE]

I Am So So Sorry For You...i Just Can't Believe That A Person Could Be So Cruel...and To Someone That They Are Married To...i Just Can't Imagine...it Does Not Matter How Emotionally Distant You Were From Her...that's No Excuse...she Had To Know This About You Before She Married You...and Even Still, She Could Of Just Told You About The Affair, Because Obviously She's Not Interested In Sparring Anybody's Feelings...i'm Just Curious...what Is Good About Your Relationship With Your Wife???? How Is It That You Never Had A Clue What Was Going On?

[che_jesse]

For the love of god MOMMIE... please stop capitalizing every word... please...

[Sup]

KMT-

6/2002-a few days after fathers day, my mom got into an argument with my dad and told him. She had restarted the affair with this guy (high school boyfriend) and asked for a divorce. My dad met with all of us (not my mom-she wouldn't show her face) and told us. My sister knew two days before my dad. She (mom) even told my dad's sister before telling my dad.

 

And what it meant to me was this (at the time)..my dad was hurting, and I've always been close to him. It fricken killed me to see him so hurt. But the revelation explained a lot. She doesn't look like any of us in an exteme sense. It turned what I thought to be a normal family into some Jerry Springer show. It sucked, but my dad is happy now--

 

Thanks for asking, KMT.

 

 

 

Deek-the only thing good I can say about your wife is that she told you, and in doing so gives you control in what direction you want to take it(given this info).

 

I wish you the best...you sound like a great guy and deserve a much better situation.

 

And just an FYI-and I reiterate....my dad is in an awesome relationship now, and I believe my mom to be in a very regretful place.

 

 

So your Dad divorced your Mom? You know, your dad could've sued your mom over this, for fraud.

[Sup]

Ok, Deek,I'm gonna tell ya to contact a Lawyer and protect your assets, see about getting the house, get rid of ANY credit cards, (she can, or WILL max them out) change your Will, protect 401k investments, get a private separate account to protect your paychecks. Protect any property that you own. She didn't sleep with this guy in your home did she? By her telling you that she wants OM to father her child tells you that she's NOT going to end her affair. Even if she did end it, for a marriage to heal from this that means NO contact with OM FOREVER! I highly suggest that you drop this woman like a BAD habit, DEMAND a DNA test to prove it's not your child, with your lawyers help. I'm not sure of the laws where you are at, some state 1 year, then they consider the child yours. I mean why pay for HER mistake for what she did? What would she do if the roles were reversed? I garranty you that she would have left you, you could even ask her this yourself, how would she feel if you did this? NONE of this is your fault, it's ALL hers, you tried to do things right early on BEFORE the affair as you posted, she pushed you away. You are NOT A FAILER, SHE IS. Stop looking over the issue, Divorce this stupid woman, and find someone much BETTER than her. This WILL catch up with her one day, then it's too late for her.

[mizzsmiley]

If you stay with her and she keeps this baby, your family and friends will think you are a fool and will definely not respect your judgement anymore. And everytime you look at this baby you will always have some sort of resentment towards it, unless you truly try to love it as your own. This is a very bad situation to be in, i think you should really think about going to marraige counseling if you want to make the marraige work.

[Sup]

It CAN'T work if the OM is still in the picture, PERIOD! She did good in admitting the affair and pregnancy, and wanting to keep the baby, but, She knows that you would have found out about her pregnancy while you two weren't having sex, now that's a dead give away!

[michelangelo]

Get her to go get the pregnancy terminated if possible.

 

And once you get that done divorce her.

 

You are under no obligation to help her be a breeder.

 

I'm sorry you got yourself such a stinker as a wife.

[deek]

Just to give those of you that have been in this thread an update.

 

At this point, I still have not closed off any options. I have been seeing a therapist. She told her parents this a week or so ago and they told her that she needed to see a therapist, and she started with one last week. Her parents went to see a therapist, as they have a lot of questions and also have problems dealing with this. I've been in contact with her sister, and she too is working with her therapist on how to handle all this. So, the positive thing right now is we are all getting help.

 

I will agree with a previous poster, that if there is any hope of working any of this out and getting back together, the OM can't be a part of any of this. That is probably the only condition that I can firmly say. And that is not to say that after we start working things out that we don't eventually decide to get a divorce, but it won't be because it is only her decision or mine...it would be both and I would assume that both our families would be involved in that decision as well, at least to some small extent.

 

As impossible as it may sound, I still love my wife. We were very happy together in our marriage and we obviously weren't able to handle the three miscarriages the way we did. I am not blaming everything on those though, as we both have issues that we haven't been able to deal with, both individually, as well as in our marriage. Its just that with the miscarriages on top of that, neither of us were equipped to handle what was coming. And we handled everything different and were on different pages over the time.

 

We both identified problems that we had, but neither of us in a way that the other understood...and neither of us knew what to do about it. And therefore, neither of us did anything about it. There were obvious signs, as I look back on it, but at the time, they honestly weren't so obvious, and maybe because we weren't talking to the right people. I mean, a lot of things previous posters have said, make sense now, and if I had really talked about how our marriage was back then, it would have been a lot clearer to ask for help or say/do something more. And that is where we both failed, because we tried to deal with it separately...obviously in different ways, but also separately.

 

For me, I have a lot of emotional issues to deal with and right now, that is what I am working on. I suppress a lot of stuff and have a hard time showing my emotions...whether it is for my wife or someone else down the road, that is something I have to work on regardless.

 

On her behalf, she is an emotional and mental mess right now...and I doubt that the hormones are doing her any good either. There is a lot of work she has to do to get herself back to any rational frame of mind...she made mistakes...a lot of them and some big ones...but they were under somewhat extreme circumstances...not that any of them will be forgotten or simply overlooked, but there is a lot of stuff underneath that she has to deal with and learn from.

 

I talked to her parents last night...they are pretty much in the same boat as I am. They have no control over any of this...and they believe that she has a long road before she can be somewhat stable.

 

At this point, following her therapist's advice, she is trying to stay healthy and minimize stress...and all the rest of us can do is be available when she needs it and wait for her to work through a lot of these issues...based on their conversation with my wife, the OM is not part of her future plans, just the one who ended up being there. Granted, no one likes the OM, just based on the circumstances...but right now, she seems to still think the world of this guy...

 

Its certainly a place where I never thought I would be, circumstances I never thought I would be dealing with, but here I am. And I am not going to say we will ever get back together, but I can't honestly sit here and make any major decisions when everything is such a mess. I have work to do, she has work to do, and maybe when those issues are resolved or at least manageable, together we have some work to do. And I realize this may not make much sense, but until you are the one in those shoes, its tough to really know exactly how you would react...

 

My first priority is learning and getting myself in a better place...second would be working through everything with my wife...anything past that is something we will just have to work through when we get to it...all I know is that there is enough support around us to help us through it...and I don't see an end to anything before we can at least be on the same page emotionally...

 

So at this point, the easier thing to say is we are separated...that will suffice for most encounters, but obviously, there are problems that we have that go much deeper and wider than what that word implies...